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V-acts News You Need.; Brought to you by Mortainous.
Topic Started: 19 Jan 2009, 09:39 PM (1,465 Views)
Mortainous28
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Good evening and welcome to the first edition of V-Acts news.

In today's top story, five people were found beaten to near death in the Random Insanity section of V-Acts. Town of Blue, the boards moderator claimed the acts were probably the work of an egotisical maniac hell bent on taking over the boards. When asked about the fresh scars on his knuckles he claimed to have no further comments.

In other news, RapidNameChange is donating story's to childerens charitys. I had the opportunity to sit down with him one on one to gain some insight into his decisions on why he is performing this nobel act.

Mortainous - What was the key reason you decided to donate?

RapidNameChange - I wanted to expand my reading audience to new levels.

Mortainous - A lot of people say that giving books to childeren is a wonderful thing. This being said, what is your opinion on giving childeren books free of charge?

RapidNameChange - ....Wait a second...what the @#$% do you mean free of charge?


In the General board a fiery battle is raging between Steve-O and Elusion. The battle has had many casualties and alliances are wavering, apparently the use of nuke's has been authorized. Ladies and gentleman this just goes to show you that tyrants with nuclear weapons can and WILL use them to settle their differences, so if you are looking to be in a position of power remember that bio-organic warfare is the way of the future.

On a brighter note, Crimson has not had a problem with his posts being deleted, the right to free speech has been re-instated by the gods of a working website.

Tune in next time for V-Acts news you need.
~~History Abhors a Paradox~~
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ElusionM
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Haha, you had me nearly laughing at some points there. Good going, XD.

On a side note, you should give these a more "quoted" title, make it more unique/etc.
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Town of Blue
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Fresh scars! What the hell are you talkin' about! I have no scars! Y'know, I know what you're implying and that's libel! I'm takin' yer ass to court!
They appeared, these wicked women.
I didn't either, but apparently they made a story out of it.
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Mortainous28
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Town of Blue
Jan 20 2009, 02:33 PM
Fresh scars! What the hell are you talkin' about! I have no scars! Y'know, I know what you're implying and that's libel! I'm takin' yer ass to court!

I am only reporting what I see. =P And you can't beat your verdict out of a jury. XD
~~History Abhors a Paradox~~
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Town of Blue
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Yeah, well they haven't met Mr. Handerson and his twin brother yet.
They appeared, these wicked women.
I didn't either, but apparently they made a story out of it.
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Mortainous28
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Next edition coming very soon.
~~History Abhors a Paradox~~
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Crimson
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Yay!!! i hope I'm mentioned again
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Mortainous28
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The next one will be much longer and I am going to try and include everyone...posting that is. For the record if I poke fun at you it's all in good fun with no pun intended...kinda....sort of...well yeah, just enjoy! :lol:
~~History Abhors a Paradox~~
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Crimson
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gets ready to shoot someone Posted Image
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Mortainous28
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Is that the right topic there guy? Funny pics is that way------>
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Crimson
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Mortainous28
Jan 27 2009, 07:59 PM
For the record if I poke fun at you it's all in good fun with no pun intended

Thats why its here
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Mortainous28
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Crimson
Jan 27 2009, 03:39 AM
Mortainous28
Jan 27 2009, 07:59 PM
For the record if I poke fun at you it's all in good fun with no pun intended

Thats why its here

Oh, lol.
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missvalentine
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if im ever mentioned in one of these things, make sure my name is pink. :lol:
I LOVE GIRLS!!!!

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SithTristen
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Now Crimson,no need to get your pea shooter out just yet.Let me pick 'em of with my 30mm.Then you can clean up the scraps :D
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lolz I'm late but awesomeness Morty.
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Mortainous28
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Good evening and welcome to the second edition of V-Acts - News You Need.

Broken back in the mountians?

In today's top story two of our members, Town of Blue and Krissynz have finally come back from their snow hiking trip. After being gone for many days our fellow member Elusion took notice and placed a flyer on our main page. Not one to turn his eye to a possible story I went in to investigate. It took me awhile to find the two missing members, but when I did I was relieved to find that no harm had befallen them...or did it? As we all know it gets quite cold up in the mountains and if you go unprepared it can be a death warrant. Neither Town of Blue or Krissynz would comment on the matter, but from what my sources have gathered there was only one tent, one sleeping bag and KY-Jelly found at the site.


Where are my peeps at?

In other news one of our competitors Jillpre is not doing so great according to MissV. Most know of the events that put this site on the map, but other than that little has been said or noticed of from this site. MissV claims that she is making changes to help make the site more appealing to the eye, but only time will tell if this empire will crumble within the near future.

Because I care.

Last week a man was found dead, reports tell us that he was dressed in crappy cloths, had a bad haircut and a 2 inch penis. Fearing the worst I immediately called RapidNameChange and told him what had happened. The following is our phone conversation:

Mortainous28 - Hey man are you ok?

RapidNameChange - Yes, why?

Mortainous28 - I turned the radio on in my car and they said that a poorly dressed male with a bad haircut and a 2 inch penis was found dead this morning.

RapidNameChange - So why the @#$% are you calling me?!?!?!?

Mortainous28 - Because I care. I just wanted to make sure you were ok.

RapidNameChange - Where are you at?

Mortainous28 - I'm on my way to work.

RapidNameChange - Well I hope you enjoy driving home on four flat tires @#$%^&*!!

Stay tuned for more V-acts - News you need.
~~History Abhors a Paradox~~
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novatrigger777
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It just keeps getting better doesn't it?
~reggirt Avon~

I'm glad I'm not a kitten, otherwise I'd have to mop around listlessly all day and whine endlessly all night, huh?
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Mortainous28
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Next edition will have conspiracys and more silly humor.
~~History Abhors a Paradox~~
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Hey my walmart/kohl's goth clothes arent crappy... lol
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missvalentine
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:lol: that was great morty, i can't wait for more of it.
I LOVE GIRLS!!!!

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ElusionM
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Holy ****. I just.....feel bad for your love partner RNC. I hope she doesn't mind it being only 2 inches. God bless the souls.

*sniffle*
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Mortainous28
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He took it like a champ. I didn't know which member to aim that one towards (didn't want to unintentionally provke someone) I figured Rapid would take it as a joke and nothing more. It will be someone elses turn next time though.
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ElusionM
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Yo, Kohl's is....awesome. After Macy's that is.
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Mortainous28
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Any place that sells Unionbay jeans = win. I love thier jeans. :wub:
~~History Abhors a Paradox~~
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Lol it's penis and boob size isn't everything in my opinion. I mean hey as long as it gets the job done than thats all that counts right? lolz but anyways I thought it was funny and yeah I'm probably the best target for taking a joke because its a joke and no real reason to get upset about it.
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ElusionM
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Anyone who takes a harmless joke serious=seriously messed up person.
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Welllllll it depends. Everyone is different and there is no real set standard for funny and/or offensive. Just because you think it's a harmless joke, doesn't mean someone else thinks the same.
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ElusionM
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I know; but I was talking general.
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Well yeah I suppose so
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Mortainous28
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I have an African-American friend. One time I slipped and accidently said ******-rigged while he was in the car with us. I felt like an ass, but then he countered with on of the funniest black jokes I have ever heard of.
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Town of Blue
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There's an idea about libel involving the small penis. The idea is that you can mock a man as much as you want, as long as you also include that he has a small penis simply because they would never come out to the public going "That's me me, I'm that guy with the small penis!"

I think Micheal Crichton did it.
They appeared, these wicked women.
I didn't either, but apparently they made a story out of it.
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Town of Blue
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Go on, do it. Although there is the risk that said persona may not give a damn about what people think of their penis, it sounds like it could work.
They appeared, these wicked women.
I didn't either, but apparently they made a story out of it.
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Mortainous28
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Stay tuned for the next report coming soon. Highlights will be:

Conspiracy's
Pepsi Vs. Coke Vs. ALL
Trophy's

The top story will be a take on the RE site war page.
~~History Abhors a Paradox~~
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In the next issue can I save a cat or something from a burning building resulting in getting lots o munnies cause I save some rich chicks precious cat... and if she's hawt can I get some poon outta the deal?

lolz it was a joke...
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Mortainous28
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An idea is forming......but not like you want it too. Thanks BRO!!
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oh god... what have I done!?!
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Mortainous28
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LOL It's a great idea. My thanks to you and George Carlin for this bit.
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ElusionM
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Where's ma' next issue dammit!?
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Falcon-X
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Oh, are these like news updates on what's currently happening on this site?

That's a nice feature, bravo! I look forward to the next issue.
A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic.

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Mortainous28
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Heh, they are kinda news updates..I guess you could say I get my idea's from what people have posted. But 95% is just humor.
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Falcon Update?
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Mortainous28
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OK new line up, with all the new peeps here I have plenty to work with, I had hoped to get it in this morning but go figure I actually had work to do at work...who knew? xD This one should be the biggest one yet.
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Mortainous28
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Holy pig-shit in a handbasket, I though this board was toast! Glad to see all of the previous news updates still here. Working on it now.
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Mortainous28
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Good evening and welcome to the third edition of V-Acts News you Need.

Today's top story: Ding dong.....DOH!!

Our good neighbor RapidNameChange showed his true colors last weekend when he ran into a burning building to save a womans cat. Once again Rapid was more than eager to share his story with me via telephone, the following is our conversation:

RapidNameChange It was like any regular Saturday afternoon, I was taking my weekly walk playing pocket pool.............wait will you please edit that last part out?

Mortainous28 What was the scor...err...I mean absolutely!

RapidNameChange Awesome! As I was walking I noticed sirens zeroing in on my position, not one to be taken easily I quickly jumped into the nearest garbage can, pfft she said she was 18.......wait edit that too......huh? WHY ARE YOU WRITTING THAT DOWN?!??!?

Mortainous28 OH!...heh no I was just addlibing to make you sound more like a hero when this hits the nightly news....

RapidNameChange Oh, sweet! Well after the emergency vehicles passed I thought I would see what the all the commotion was about. I quickly hid my stash in my er.....yeah.. .... I quickly ran to the scene and found a building on fire and a VERY attractive girl crying on the curb saying that a cat was trapped inside. Seeing that none of the firefighters were taking notice to her plea's I thought I could capitalize on the situation and get some.......gratitude ....YEAH GRATITUDE out of this.

Mortainous28 Note to self for next interview, Rapids uncontrolable animal driven instincts......CNN here I come!

RapidNameChange My hopes skyrocketed when she said compensation would be made in personal ways, and before I knew it I was jumping through flamming hoops to find this cat. One would think this is an easy task, but it isn't. There was a woman choking on smoke from the fire who got in my way, after I told her that i was not with the fire department and it was not my job to rescue her she passed out. After explaining this a few more times to other people who wanted my help I finally found my ticket to a good nigh....accomplishment... To my luck and surprise the cat was alive and unscathed. I grabbed it and made my way to the nearest window. The girl was greatfull and soon we were off to put footprints on the ceili.....of the fire behind us. She said her grandmother would be so happy that her cat was OK and i was thinking "man this girl must really love her grandmother to grieve over her cat like that." We reahed her grandmothers office which was oddly called the kitty kat cafe. Her desk was the oddest I have ever seen, I mean seriously how many desks have a pole in the center of them? She was so thrilled at the fact that her cat was ok she nudged her grandaughter and asked if compensation was in order. The girl blushed and said "of course" ....with one eyebrow arched I shrugged it off and waited for the grandmother to leave us. But to my surprise it was the girl who left. Outraged I demanded my compensation ........and the rest I would prefer to just forget.....

Mortainous28........You didn't.....did you?

RapidNameChange WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO JUDGE!!!!!


In other news: The Housing Crisis

It seems that even V-acts is not immune to the current housing epidemic. After falling behind on it's payments the IRS and debt collectors finally started moving in on us....but the joke was on them. If they were expecting for us to come out quietly then they deserved the slaughter they walked into. All be warned when trying to move a bunch of Resident Evil nutjobs without their consent. After the government learned of the situation they decided to drop all charges and give us a new home. The following are the charges that were droped:

Elusion Chrages: Manslaughter, Assault, Use of a weapon with intent to injure. Seriouly man was waiving the chainsaw really necissary?

RapidNameChange Charges: Manslaughter, Assault, Indecent exposure. C'mon man, was teabagging that dead debt collector really that gratifing?

Crimson Charges: Manslaughter, Assault, Grand Theift Auto. The police car was last spotted tearing through a nursing home. Crimson just because the elderly walk like zombies doesn't mean they ARE zombies.

Steve-O Charges: Manslaughter, Assault, Arson. Just because the agents were in our neighbors yard does not mean the neighbors were in on getting us kicked out.

HenryCole Charges: Manslaughter, Assualt, Indecent exposure. Ok we get it...you are buff, now for the love of god put your clothes back on!

TownofBlue Charges: Manslaughter, Assualt, Public Intoxication. Come on man why were you already drunk? This happened at 9am, though I must say that was some good aiming for being completely blitzed.

UncleWesker Manslaughter, Assault, Disturbing the Peace. Good shooting bro! But the megaphone speech about how you were going to control the world afterwards was a little too much IMO.

Mortainous28 Charges: Manslaughter, Assault, indecent Exposure. ........WHAT!?!?!? SO WHAT IF I LIKE TO KILL WHILE I AM FREEBALLING!!!! PFFT SHOOT ME!!!.............PUT YOUR GUN DOWN ELUSION, I WASN"T SERIOUS!

All charges on the other members have been droped as well.

That's it for today's edition, stay tuned for more V-acts News You Need.
Edited by Mortainous28, 29 Mar 2009, 01:20 AM.
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Mortainous28
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Bump of Justice.
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Sticky, dawg.
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SithTristen
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Very good.
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YOU'RE GAWD DAMNED RIGHT IT WAS GRATIFYING!!!!!!! lol good work man. I love the sick bastard you envision of me.
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Town of Blue
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I like how I can drink enough alcohol to get that drunk, considering I hate the stuff.
They appeared, these wicked women.
I didn't either, but apparently they made a story out of it.
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henrycole
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Mortainous is jaleous of my triceps!!... but point taken, i lol'd
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henrycole
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i hope you update this
White Knuckles
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Mortainous28
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I will, give me a few days. I have some things to do, but it will be updated, should be plenty to work with, with all the poeple posting.
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Crimson
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What they werent zombies ^o) But they walk so damn slow ;)
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Mortainous28
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I thought you would like that. =P
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Crimson
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Mortainous28
28 Apr 2009, 03:22 AM
I thought you would like that. =P
You wrongly accused those zombies to be old people D:
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henrycole
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This was sooooo not updated.
White Knuckles
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Town of Blue
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Shut it, worm!
They appeared, these wicked women.
I didn't either, but apparently they made a story out of it.
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CallMeCthulhu
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I want an update!
What would you ask of death?
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You live with him, you could probably convince him easier lol
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novatrigger777
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Nova S'plosion.
~reggirt Avon~

I'm glad I'm not a kitten, otherwise I'd have to mop around listlessly all day and whine endlessly all night, huh?
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CallMeCthulhu
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Nah, he pretty much just does the opposite of what I want him to do, out of spite. It makes living together interesting
What would you ask of death?
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Well I'll mail you a super rapid tazer and every time he doesn't do something, taze him. I guarentee that by the next week you'll have him washing dishes, scrubbing floors, and shaving his ballz ^_^

Warning! This product may cause massive and irreversible bodily harm. Use at your own risk. RapidRNC inc. is not held responsible for the things you do with this product. The sudden death of a loved one via over usage of this product is not the responsibility of RapidRNC inc and you should be ashamed of yourself you sick little monkey.
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novatrigger777
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Who?
~reggirt Avon~

I'm glad I'm not a kitten, otherwise I'd have to mop around listlessly all day and whine endlessly all night, huh?
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Deleted User
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... the person that updates V-Acts news you need?
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novatrigger777
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Oh my gawd! CMC is a girl! Blasphemy!
~reggirt Avon~

I'm glad I'm not a kitten, otherwise I'd have to mop around listlessly all day and whine endlessly all night, huh?
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*head explodes*
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novatrigger777
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What?
~reggirt Avon~

I'm glad I'm not a kitten, otherwise I'd have to mop around listlessly all day and whine endlessly all night, huh?
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Crimson
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Tshh girls on the internet, Nova you make me laugh :cooldance:
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Mortainous28
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I am sorry guys, I am taking some online classes, working on a now side (possibly permenant) project with a fellow V-Actor, going tpo work, spending time with my wife and kid.....damn shit just gets pushed back. I don't want to let this hang, but for right now it's going to. There is only so much I can chew and swallow at one time. Please be patient. with me. =P
~~History Abhors a Paradox~~
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novatrigger777
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Can I have your job while you're gone. I'll be good.

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Please
~reggirt Avon~

I'm glad I'm not a kitten, otherwise I'd have to mop around listlessly all day and whine endlessly all night, huh?
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Mortainous28
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If by job you mean updating the phony news thread...by all means enjoy and have at it. Just keep it semi-clean and try not to completely slam someone.....but accidents CAN happen. xD
~~History Abhors a Paradox~~
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novatrigger777
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I was talking about Administrator, but that sounds fun too.
~reggirt Avon~

I'm glad I'm not a kitten, otherwise I'd have to mop around listlessly all day and whine endlessly all night, huh?
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Mortainous28
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Heh, that is not mine to hand out. =P And I am still dropping in from time to time, just not dumping an hour or so into my news thread. =P
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yay morty's alive! lol I know how you feel about the whole juggling time around.
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novatrigger777
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Good, because I don't.
~reggirt Avon~

I'm glad I'm not a kitten, otherwise I'd have to mop around listlessly all day and whine endlessly all night, huh?
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Crimson
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Trust Nova with the news this isnt good

I should go before :blackeye:
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novatrigger777
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* Prepares CPK*
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I'm glad I'm not a kitten, otherwise I'd have to mop around listlessly all day and whine endlessly all night, huh?
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