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| Humor & Fun | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Sep 28 2005, 04:32 PM (360 Views) | |
| ritz | Sep 28 2005, 04:32 PM Post #1 |
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Gender ... You may not know this, but many non-living things have a gender. 1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. 2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed. 3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated. 4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part. 5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water. 6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on. 7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. 8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. 9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. 10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying! lol :lol: |
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| zaas | Sep 28 2005, 05:13 PM Post #2 |
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bittersweet symphony
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lain mcm je humor ko nih :D still, funny gak ar :lol: |
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| ritz | Sep 28 2005, 05:19 PM Post #3 |
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lil bit tricky :lol: just for fun guys! |
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| ritz | Sep 28 2005, 05:23 PM Post #4 |
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Types Of Women HARD-DISK: She remembers everything, FOREVER. RAM Woman: She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off. WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her. EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs. SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing but at least she is fun! INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access. SERVER Woman: Always busy when you need her. MULTIMEDIA Woman: She makes horrible things look beautiful. CD-ROM Woman: She is always faster and faster. E-MAIL Woman: Every ten things she says, Eight are nonsense. VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything email woman. LOL :D |
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| Mithrandir | Sep 30 2005, 09:42 PM Post #5 |
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Ultras Hitam Putih
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Since PMR is approaching, and the Science subjects these days are taught in English (though during PMR examinations they can choose to answer in Malay), here's some jokes dedicated to those taking the exams (including SPM).. These are examples of what happens when students forget the answers.......... When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. The three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration. The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. The body consists of three parts--the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana. The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to. A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is. Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa. Germinate: To become a naturalized German. Litre: A nest of young puppies. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away. Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky. Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops. For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration. For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor. For dog bite: Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow. |
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| ritz | Oct 2 2005, 01:40 PM Post #6 |
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few jokes for the day -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I wrote your name on sand it got washed. I wrote your name in air,it was blown away.then I wrote your name on my heart & i got Heart Attack . *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* God saw me hungry, he created pizza . He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi . He saw me in dark, he created light . He saw me without problems, he created YOU. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Twinkle Twinkle little star You should know what you are And once you know what you are Mental hospital is not so far. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* TEACHER= Name four members of the cat family? STUDENTS= Daddy cat,Mummy cat and two kittens ! *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Police man= Stop, stop, your headlights are not working. The Man= Move, move, even the brakes are not working. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Why does history keep repeating it self? Because we weren't listening the first time ! *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Roses are red, Violents are blue monkeys like u should be kept in zoo. Don't feel so angry you will find me there too not in cage but laughing at you. ************************************************************************************ A man goes to chemist : I need to busy poison Chemist : I can't sell u that... Man shows his wife photo Chemist : Sorry! I din know u had a prescription!!! enjoy all :lol: :lol: |
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| incomplex | Oct 18 2005, 11:11 PM Post #7 |
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Allievi Regionali
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People Really Said These Things In Court Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: How old is your son - the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? Q: Did he kill you? Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Q: How many times have you committed suicide? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, sir. Q: And you took your new wife? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. |
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| incomplex | Oct 18 2005, 11:18 PM Post #8 |
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Allievi Regionali
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Maybe a bit dirty for others... but its so damn funny... Once a chicken and a horse were playing together in a barn yard. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud-pit! He yells out to the chicken HELP, HELP !!! Go get the farmer, save me, save me!!! The chicken goes looking for the farmer but can't find him. So he gets the farmer's BMW and drives it over to the mud-pit, lasso's the horse, ties it to the car and pulls him out. The horse says: "Thank you! Thank you! I owe you my life, Chicken .............." A couple of days later they are playing there again. But this time the chicken falls into the mud-pit and calls out to the horse: Help me,help me!!!! Go get the farmer!!! But the horse says, There's no time!!! But I think I can reach you, hold on! The horse stretches it's 4 legs across the mud-pit and yells at the chicken, "Grab onto my d!ck !!!!!" The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back and saves the chickens life ............ So.. Whats the moral to the story???????? [Scroll Down] Give up? Scroll down again... Moral: If you have a d!ck the size of a horse's, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks |
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| incomplex | Oct 19 2005, 11:31 AM Post #9 |
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Allievi Regionali
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Helpdesk Nightmares Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "OK." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.) Tech Support: "OK, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?" Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message." Tech Support: "Did you install the update?" Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word." Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done." Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'." Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says." Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'." Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk." Customer: "What?" Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?" Customer: "No..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: "Huh...I need help unpacking my new PC." Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?" Customer: "I can't open the box." Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there." Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'." Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:/ and type 'dir'." Customer: reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'. Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again." Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'." Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place - it can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?" Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'." Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?" Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars. Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network." Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage." Customer: "What is that?" Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer." Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar ..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And the best for last!!!! Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work." Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?" Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all." Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?" Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either." Tech Support: "You did what sir?" Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit." Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?" Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broken and defective." Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?" At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in. Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?" Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out." Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?" Silence. Tech Support: "Sir?" Customer: "Yes." Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?" Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer!" Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?" Customer: "Ummmm." Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?" Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!" Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day." |
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| ritz | Nov 8 2005, 03:17 PM Post #10 |
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Little Johnny Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None", replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married? " "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you're thinking!" |
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| Mithrandir | Nov 22 2005, 10:58 PM Post #11 |
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Ultras Hitam Putih
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ja ja ja... some good ones u gave... here's some of mine... Funny Player Quotes 'I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.' - Lee Hendrie 'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.' - Ian Rush Interviewer: 'Would it be fair to describe you as a volatile player?' David Beckham: 'Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and occasionally on the left side.' 'If you're 0-0 down, there's no-one better to get you back on terms than Ian Wright.' - Robbie Earle 'Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today.' - Steve Lomas 'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.' - Barry Venison 'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.' - David Beckham 'The Brazilians were South America, and the Ukranians will be more European.' - Phil Neville 'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.' - Mitchell Thomas 'Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had.' - David Beckham 'The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it.' - Graeme Le Saux 'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.' - Alan Shearer 'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.' - Johnny Giles 'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.' - Thierry Henry 'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.' - Mark Viduka 'He's put on weight and I've lost it, and vice versa.' - Ronnie Whelan 'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.' - Neville Southall 'We lost because we didn't win.' - Ronaldo 'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable.' - Paul Gascoigne 'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.' - Alan Shearer 'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.' - Mark Draper 'You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.' - Peter Shilton 'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.' - Stan Collymore 'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George Ndah had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.' - Ade Akinbiyi 'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.' - Ian Wright 'It was a big relief off my shoulder.' - Paul Gascoigne 'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.' - Ugo Ehiogu 'It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up.' - Ian Wright 'Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough.' - Jonathan Woodgate 'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.' - Stuart Pearce 'My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.' - David Beckham 'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.' - Les Ferdinand 'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked.' - Richard Rufus 'There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between.' - Gary Lineker 'Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win.' - Vinny Jones |
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