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Sweet Tammy : Poem; Inspired by Dani ~_^
Topic Started: Jun 13 2005, 08:55 PM (64 Views)
Aislynne
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All those poems I've already posted were done during a spark of creativity. It was a two-day thing, and how I wish that creativity was still with me. Anyway, this was written just after and I know it sucks. *whisper* Read Dani's "Maybe She Learned", it's so much better XP */whisper*

Sweet Tammy:


Take a minute,
And meet Tammy,
The perfect model kid,
Someone everyone wants to be.
Class valedictorian,
Heading off to Harvard,
Most popular senior,
And captain of the cheer squad.
Of course, she's also the prettiest,
The most fun,
The smartest,
And her life is planned for her.
See her boyfriend over there,
Football captain,
A body Nelly would envy,
And 100% all around.
Tammy had the invitations,
To all the get-togethers and block parties,
But one went wrong,
Sweet Tammy should have been thinking.
The pressure to be perfect,
From her classmates, media and family,
Made her long to be relaxed,
Like all the others seemed to be.
She held the blunt in her hand,
No one knows what was in it,
And took a long drag,
Too bad she'd still be alive if she didn't.
Her body convulsed,
Her brain screamed for air,
But she wasn't drowning,
She was floating on air.
That one hit left her hooked,
And too far into this drain to crawl out,
She tried ecstasy and heroin,
Amazing she still survived.
Mom didn't know what was going on,
But her perfect daughter wasn't right,
So she sat her down,
And that was the dreadful night.
Tammy stuck the needle in her arm,
Needing to relax and kick back,
Needing to be calm,
But the fluid killed her in the night so black.
So smash that mirror,
With your fist,
And with this razor,
Graze your wrist,
Calm your nerves,
With a hit,
And hope that you live,
For a little bit.



Yes, I know the flow's all out of whack and only half of it rhymes. I didn't try to make it rhyme in the first place, and just some it came to be. Ah well.
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Genie
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O.oo
Lets start with you saying it ..

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only half of it rhymes


Well then thats means it has "half rhymes" which is a poetic device, thats a bonus point you know!

Quote:
 
I know the flow's all out of whack


Poetry never needs to flow, its opinion based if you think it sounds better flowing then make it flow if not, or if you think you cant do it, leave it, its not as if your losing out on anything!

Now for my part, Love the title! Love the last line! Love the first line very powerful! I like it all, but sorry I am a critic ;) I really dont like cutting poems maybe you could have changed the lines before the last to something more original like another form of self abuse or something else :)
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Aislynne
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Oh, don't worry about being a critic. Reviews from critics are some of the most valuable. I know what you mean about the last few lines. It's a lot like "Riot" which isn't great in my opinion. Thanks for your review, though, it helps!
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Genie
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Aislynne,Jun 14 2005
12:07 PM
Oh, don't worry about being a critic. Reviews from critics are some of the most valuable. I know what you mean about the last few lines. It's a lot like "Riot" which isn't great in my opinion. Thanks for your review, though, it helps!

My pleasure
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~*Dani*~
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You are very good. I like how it reads like a story. And i like how the girl seems perfect at first, but then goes through all the things that other kids do that arent. If that makes any sense. Plus, I love the title, and how the poem ends in suspense. It makes you think like, wow, i want to turn my life back around and get on the right track. Overall, a very good job!
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Aislynne
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Thanks for the review! It's kind of about one of my friends, though she never died or anything. Yours is still better XD
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~*Dani*~
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I really like yours. You convey that, although someone may appear perfect, that she can still suffer the pain that imperfect people do. This could be a wake-up call to many. I can hardly believe that I have been an inspiration! It's not every day I inspire somebody. I rarely do it at all. But this is a very good poem and conveys a very powerful message- even seemingly perfect people can suffer imperfect pain, physically or mentally. And each of the things that sweet Tammy does or feels, could be the feelings or actions of anybody else. It speaks to all personalities, no matter how perfect someone thinks that they may be.
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Aislynne
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Quote:
 
I really like yours. You convey that, although someone may appear perfect, that she can still suffer the pain that imperfect people do. This could be a wake-up call to many.


Thanks ^_^; And tell me about it. Some people try so hard to be what Tammy appears to be, but they still have their problems no matter what. Yeah, extra money will make things more convenient and sometimes easier, but stress won't go away.

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can hardly believe that I have been an inspiration! It's not every day I inspire somebody. I rarely do it at all.


Ah, but you do! People don't always know whether they inspire someone or not. I just found out I was someone's inspirations for some of her poems. *is shocked*

Quote:
 
But this is a very good poem and conveys a very powerful message- even seemingly perfect people can suffer imperfect pain, physically or mentally. And each of the things that sweet Tammy does or feels, could be the feelings or actions of anybody else. It speaks to all personalities, no matter how perfect someone thinks that they may be.


Exactly. I'm so glad you get the whole message, I don't always know if someone does or not. And again, I'm so glad for the review. As a writer yourself, you most likely know what it means. I'm so happy you like it.
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~*Dani*~
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You shouldnt be shocked that you are a source of inspiration. Im not suprised. :)
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Aislynne
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Aww, that's so nice. ^_^ Thank you.
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~*Dani*~
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QUOTES(Aislynne)
"All those poems I've already posted were done during a spark of creativity. It was a two-day thing, and how I wish that creativity was still with me."

Im in the same kind of situation, and believe me, you are(were?) dealing with it well.

"Anyway, this was written just after and I know it sucks."

It does not. I love it! You are a great poet. :)




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