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| Weird job issue advice; Why are women so weird? | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Oct 12 2012, 09:18 PM (542 Views) | |
| Kassandra | Oct 12 2012, 09:18 PM Post #1 |
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Is the meadow on fire?
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So I recently took a new job which has really turned into a dream job. Great company, great position, great pay, great boss. I am on an architecture team, so all our roles are very specific, so none of us "compete". The team consists of 4 men and two women (including me). The other woman I work with is 10+ years older than me (in her 50s) and has had jobs much more senior than me. She is a business analyst, and I am more on the technical side, our jobs in absolutely no way overlap. The problem is she judges me personally ALL THE TIME. She rolls her eyes, has scolded me for things I have said, and I have caught her saying things to team mates behind my back about my personal behavior. She is kind of a stuffy lady who is always trying to be "professional", wears suits, and takes everything really seriously. I am...well...NOT that way, lol. I get along really well with my co-workers and especially my manager. He jokes that I remind him of his wife, he has called me a breath of fresh air, and when I have frankly talked to him about my behavior in my one on one meetings (I have asked for coaching, and brought up that I know I need to work on my professionalism) he has told me that he appreciates my personality. So, all that said, I don't know how to deal with this co-worker. Do I confront her? It's seriously become a daily occurrence. Tonight during an on-site happy hour I was looking at the manager's photos on his iphone and teased him about a picture, she again rolled her eyes and made this big sigh just a couple feet away. I am trying to not offend her, I even invited her to go get burritos today with our manager for lunch, I have invited her to other lunches, I invite her to meetings...I just don't know what the hell else to do! I have always tried to get along with other women I work with (there are so damn few), but I am totally at a loss of how to deal with all the judgement! Help? She's like a flipping hall monitor!
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| MayaTy02 | Oct 13 2012, 05:03 AM Post #2 |
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You're BANNED!
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How long have you been at this job? I would say she just needs to get to know you, and that takes time. Who gives a rats you know what what she thinks, it's her issue to get over, not yours. I like that you invite her to lunch, but don't go out of your way. jobs are funny, you can't pick your co-workers. I would just stay out of her way and let her deal with it. |
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| Trialbyfire | Oct 13 2012, 05:38 AM Post #3 |
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You're BANNED!
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Sorry but I laughed. I was just explaining the definition of the word "prim" to my younger daughter and this woman sounds like she exemplifies it!If you are sure that your manager is satisfied with your performance and "professionalism", then I wouldn't care what she thinks. She sounds like she is a little jealous, actually. Especially if the manager likes your less "stuffy" personality. If she "scolds" you for behavior that is appropriate (just not like hers), I might say something. The first thing that came to my mind was (with a teenage-esque eyeroll) "soooorrry Mom..." but that might not go over very well. Maybe something like "Mary, I appreciate that you're trying to give me some career coaching, but I have a different style than you do. Joe (manager) is happy with my work and my behavior, and that is what really matters." And if that doesn't work, ignore her!
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| naters | Oct 13 2012, 06:40 AM Post #4 |
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It'll be an adventure! We're going on an adventure!
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Maybe its perceived that you are being flirty with the boss? I don't look through my bosses phone pictures, and tease him. Sometimes when you are a woman in a male dominated field (I am one, in one) , you just have to be a little more careful with the laughing, joking so you aren't perceived the wrong way. |
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| Fish Cheeks | Oct 13 2012, 08:18 AM Post #5 |
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You're BANNED!
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Well, you could always ask her about her behavior. She obviously wants you to know she disapproves of you for some reason, so you could straight out ask her. I was in a similar situation once when I worked as an EA for my old boss. It was right when I started working for him, so like you I had only been there a couple of months. There was another EA there whom I didn't like (nobody did, really, but I didn't know it at the time), but could get along with without any problems . . . except I had the same sort of thing - she was always picking on me, letting out big sighs after something I'd say, rolling her eyes, etc. We weren't really in competition because we each had our own bosses, but my boss was head of the office and hers was two steps below him so I suppose I would have been more senior than she. I got fed up with it one day and called her aside into a conference room and basically asked her what her problem with me was. She back-pedaled really fast, offered a lame apology . . . but she changed her tune around me and it gave me confidence to have stood up for myself (because I HATE confrontation). We never did like each other, but I think she gave me the respect that I deserved as someone who did my job well. I found that the bosses didn't really care about who got along with whom, so if you are on the peer level, I might keep him out of it (not that you were going to involve him) and just talk with her directly. Depending on what she says, you may listen and take it to heart and make some changes (like swearing in the office - I'm not saying you are, but that is just an example), or you may not (dressing more casually than she). But until you know what the problem is, you're just getting stressed by speculation. |
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| Kassandra | Oct 13 2012, 08:41 AM Post #6 |
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Is the meadow on fire?
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Thanks guys. If we didn't report to the same manager I would say something, but I am hesitant because I just don't want to make it worse. I have weekly one on ones with my manager and I do talk about my career, professionalism, etc. I like this job because I can be myself and feel appreciated because of it. I work with a real cast of crazy characters and I love it. Another co-worker feels able to freely, joking tell me to fluff-off and I LIKE that. People tease each other, laugh with each other, and like each other. Personally I wonder if she just doesn't feel part of it no matter how much we try to include her. And I do think it ends up being directed towards me because the behavior is often thought more "inappropriate" for a woman culturally. But I think that's BS. |
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| JanM | Oct 13 2012, 01:41 PM Post #7 |
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Off visiting Candy Cave, be right back.
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I wonder if it isn't a form of jealousy? You seem to fit in better than she does, and she never will have the relationship that you have with the others. |
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| gunnar | Oct 13 2012, 06:58 PM Post #8 |
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You're BANNED!
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Sorry about this K! I agree on the jealousy part! Keep your chin up and try to ignore her! |
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| Reynard Ridge | Oct 14 2012, 10:24 PM Post #9 |
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Drivin' The Short Bus
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Not knowing the players, would it be appropriate to ask the manager you share about her behavior? It's not your job to manage the careers of your peers, but, it is your manager's job to mange his staff. And if I were her manager, I'd call her aside and mention that her behavior was not coming across as professional (although, given your description of the office, I might use a different word ). But maybe your joint manager hasn't noticed it? Or is so inured to her behavior he ignores it? If you call it out to him, casually, or under the guise of a question, "Hey, I've noticed Ms X has some odd reactions to me, do you think there is a problem?" if he is a good manager, he will address it. Really, it's weird to be treated that way by another adult. Offices and having to work together and making sure you keep your job create all kinds of barriers, but I do think it's something that should be addressed. For one, because it impacts you negatively, and for two, because she needs to be reminded of proper adult behavior. |
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| JanM | Oct 15 2012, 03:29 AM Post #10 |
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Off visiting Candy Cave, be right back.
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I've run into this sort of person before. They are very judgmental, and their way of controling their world is to try to control everyone else's life. I have found that the people seem to have a very out of control personal life, but there's nothing you can do about that, and they let their lack of control in one area bleed over into the area they think they can control, and that's work. They seem to think they're everyone's mommy, and get to set the rules. Unfortunately, my last job had one of these, and the boss liked her because she was a big time ass kisser, but in other situations where they aren't protected telling them to lay off worked better. I think deep down she's jealous of you and your relationship with the others, and she'll try for a long time to put you down if you let her. Angry control freaks like this are a total pain, but they can be ignored, or make comments back about the fact that you aren't her subordinate, and she's not in charge of anyone. |
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| Kassandra | Oct 15 2012, 06:26 AM Post #11 |
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Is the meadow on fire?
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Jan, what a good point! You know, I didn't look at it like that at all, but I think you are right. She has actually been married 4 times, and at one time held a much higher position at another financial company. She is very VERY smart, but to me takes work and the office way too seriously. You just gave me a bit of a light-bulb moment! RR, my boss is very non-confrontational and very hands-off as a manager. Since I have been there so little time I don't want to be a complainer. He really treats us like adults, which of course means we are expected to deal with our own stuff. I think I am going to try killing her with kindness a little longer, realizing that it's really HER issue. I kinda feel bad for her after Jan's post, if it comes from fear or feeling a lack of control, what a horrible place to be. |
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| rhubarbpie | Oct 15 2012, 08:20 AM Post #12 |
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Weanling
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I think you are on the right track- killing with kindness is the only way to go. I feel for you... I always worked with a lot of men, and now work in an office full of women. It has been an adjustment, and seems to take them a LOT longer to really warm up and be welcoming than it ever did with the men. I just try to be super nice to everyone. In my first review recently, I was commended for being so likeable, which I found somewhat surprising, as I didn't think I was all that well-liked. Go figure. I, too, suspect that she is threatened by your easy and personable relationship with the boss. Good luck! Edited by rhubarbpie, Oct 15 2012, 08:21 AM.
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| naters | Oct 15 2012, 05:18 PM Post #13 |
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It'll be an adventure! We're going on an adventure!
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The auto-reason a woman doesn't like another woman is that she is jealous? Men can come up with that stuff on their own, we dont need to be perpetuating some stereotype. Work is a professional environment, even if it is a casual workplace. Just be professional, and either she will or she won't. If she won't, it will show up eventually. |
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| Kassandra | Oct 17 2012, 10:25 AM Post #14 |
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Is the meadow on fire?
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Yeah, I dont think she's jealous, just a bitter old hag.... |
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Help? She's like a flipping hall monitor!



I was just explaining the definition of the word "prim" to my younger daughter and this woman sounds like she exemplifies it!

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7:24 AM Jul 11