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| Deep thoughts...; and self reflections | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Oct 11 2012, 08:09 PM (581 Views) | |
| Fish Cheeks | Oct 11 2012, 08:09 PM Post #1 |
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You're BANNED!
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I don't really know where to start with this. I've just been pondering my "self" and what kind of person I am. My friend Cynthia died and at her service a common comment was made about her character: she never was one to gossip, she didn't speak badly of other people, she rarely complained, she had a big heart full of love, and she was a very kind and thoughtful person. I can't help but realize that I am the opposite. I do not like most people. I get annoyed very easily. I complain frequently. I don't have a big heart, and I don't love freely or a lot of people. I do talk badly about people who bother me. My mom is very much like Cynthia was - very kind, very thoughtful, sweet, caring, and just generally a really good person. How am I so different? I guess I'm more like my dad. I've gone through phases of trying to change and be nicer, but it doesn't last. I am a curmudgeon and a misanthrope. For the most part I'm comfortable with that. But if I think about my own funeral I wouldn't expect to have lots of people there saying what a wonderful person I was. I've often wondered about nature vs. nurture. I have to say, I do think that nature stands out more. With our dogs, for example - they are sisters; we've had them since they were wee pups; we've raised them the same way; one is a good dog and one is. . . less so. Her troubles are just part of her nature. I guess I just need to accept that I am who I am. I love the people I love and if you are my friend then I am very loyal. I guess there's a place for someone like me? I know that there must be others in the world who feel the same? Just some ramblings after a couple glasses of wine....
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| gunnar | Oct 11 2012, 08:39 PM Post #2 |
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You're BANNED!
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I love you if that means anything! I am confuzzled like you! |
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| Reynard Ridge | Oct 11 2012, 09:55 PM Post #3 |
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Drivin' The Short Bus
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FC, what interesting questions you raise. Philosophy, Religion, Psychology, Sociology: all of these branches of study have attempted to give reasons for and relevance to human behavior for millennium. It's not surprising you might be confused. I'm with you: my inner beast is an absolute curmudgeon who would LOVE to tell the world what I really think of it. And it won't be nice, I promise. The outer me is well school in human behavior and thinks sensibly and rationally before I speak. Mostly. My daughter is a Good Person. The kind of person from whom goodness just flows naturally - she is a font of sunshine who is smart, kind, funny and just an unbelievably genuine person. That I gave birth to this child rocks my world every day. Oddly enough, because I'm such a curmudgeon deep inside, I don't even appreciate her as much as I should. So, I struggle every single day. The inner me, versus the person I would *like* to be. And, hardest of all, the person my daughter needs me to be. Personally, I chose to struggle. But that doesn't mean I think YOU or anyone else should. I do think there are core human natures, and we act on them - change is difficult, and as long as you aren't hurting anybody and are happy with who you are, whoever that might be, why change? Having a small group of people around you who support and accept you is fine - they will miss you when you are gone. And if they don't say, "Aw, she was the kindest, biggest hearted person around," do you really care? If they miss you for being YOU, isn't that enough? |
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| Reynard Ridge | Oct 11 2012, 10:57 PM Post #4 |
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Drivin' The Short Bus
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And, here is an example of how hard it is for a curmudgeon to mother a happy go lucky child: Child dances into room delighted with her outfit. I thought it looked terrible (orange shirt, black skirt, orange socks), but she is clearly delighted and asks what I think of it. My first thoughts was, "No chance, kid, looks tragic, I"m not letting you out of the house like that." Thinking about this thread, though, I told her it was great, she looked great and sent her on her way with a smile. Now, if the outfit had really been inappropriate, or really didn't match at all, I would have explained to her why it was a bad idea and stopped her from wearing it. But, it was just orange, and I don't like orange. But the fact that I have to actively think about not squashing a happy little kid is really tragic. Unlike orange, which is really not tragic at all. |
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| FlashGordon | Oct 12 2012, 06:07 AM Post #5 |
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You're BANNED!
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Having adopted, knowing my daughter's birth mother as I do, and also having a biological child, there is no question in my mind that nature trumps nurture any day of the week. We are who we are, from the moment we are born. That is not to say that environment and nurture do not influence who we are. They do, a lot. But I think there are inherent pieces of our being that are just programmed a certain way thanks to genetics. Fishy I too have pondered this a lot lately, as my grandma was like your mom-- sweet, thoughtful, always a nice word for everyone, incredibly selfless and giving. Her entire life. She was all sweetness and light and wonderful-ness! Living up to her legacy is essentially impossible, lol. I think we are all different and we all have something to offer. We can't be perfect. We can't expect that our talents/gifts/personalities are going to be the same as someone else's, and to do so will just make us nuts. It's funny because as I have known you here over the last 4-5 years, I find you to be a very insightful, intelligent, kind person. So how you perceive yourself is probably also a little different than how others do, kwim? In fact I was just going to email you and thank you for the spontaneous tarot reading you had done for me a month or so ago, as it has given me a little peace in all the craziness lately. |
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| Kassandra | Oct 12 2012, 06:21 AM Post #6 |
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Is the meadow on fire?
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Well I am getting ready for work so can't really get too philosophical, but for me you have traits I value WAY above being sweet. And lots of sweet and nice people aren't always so sweet and nice on the inside. And fwiw, it's not just grumpy, curmudgeon me that likes you a lot, Mr K thinks your one of the greatest people on earth and he IS a nice person! I think there comes a time for our own sanity that we really do have to accept who we are at our core. And we do have to seek out people that love and appreciate us for who we are as well. I have found that through accepting myself I have learned how to better accept others. Granted I'm still not great at it but I am trying!! |
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| Fish Cheeks | Oct 12 2012, 08:23 AM Post #7 |
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You're BANNED!
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You guys are sweet, thanks for the nice words. But I didn't start this to be a Fishy love fest. I really am interested in a discussion about this. What "this" is . . . nature vs. nurture? Nice people vs. misanthropes? Where the not-so-nice people fit in? I do make nice-nice very well and I think that from the outside, most people would think I'm a nice person. I guess it is on the inside that I feel my true nature is not-so-nice. Not that it is mean, per se, it just isn't "all-loving, we are all god's creatures, sing kumbaya" type of nice. I will say, though, that the two people I spoke of who are very nice (my mom and Cynthia), both have a lot of pain an unhappiness on the inside. Although who of us doesn't? I guess I am grumpy and show my frustration more, whereas they suck it up and put on a smile. Poor Mr. Fishy, the other day when I was trying to get my new video of Mac on the computer, I stomped and pouted and was angry and frustrated and not nice to be around. So maybe I just show my dark feelings more? I don't know... I don't know where I'm going with this - I've typed out two other paragraphs that are just ramblings that I guess don't go anywhere. |
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| SnackPack | Oct 12 2012, 08:33 AM Post #8 |
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You're BANNED!
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I struggle with this often and had a big bout of self-doubt last year after losing my job. I had spent close to a year with my boss constantly telling me that none of my co-workers liked me and it did a number on me. After a lot of self reflection, I figured that, not to get to Popeye on the world, I am who I am, but there is always room for improvement. I also know that plenty of the things I do and say are perceived differently than I think I am putting them out there. Who people perceive you to be is a function of two things: 1)how you put yourself out there and 2)the receivers own background|values. While I don't feel the need to change a lot about who I am, I do try to consider the person I'm communicating with. If I can communicate with them in a manner that they receive better, not only is the message going to translate, but their perceptions of me are going to be different because "me" isn't being blocked by their filters. Does that make sense? I also try to make sure that I don't "tell" people how I think the should perceive me anymore. There is no need to say that people think I'm mean, like I'm begging that person to not believe it. They can come to their own conclusions without my help. We recently did an exercise a team-building exercise at work where we went around and wrote down on slips of paper what we appreciated about our co-workers. (it's a team of "encourages" who love this sort of thing. As a "data" person, I kind of hate it, but can see the value). At any rate, I would've loved to get hings like "sweet", "caring", "kind", etc. but that's just not me. I got dedicated, loyal, accurate, quality. That's fine because that is who I am at the core. There is sweetness and kindness, but they tend to be a little more hidden. I would imagine at my funeral that people that didn't know me very well would come up with the first list but the true friends, no matter how few would add the others in. And in the nd I'm fine with that. I am a data person who holds truth above almost all else. That can be a hard type of person to get along with. I would've had the same reaction that RR did to her daughter's outfit. And one of my many reasons for not having children is that I don't think I could be that supportive "I love you no matter what" type parent. I'd end up with kids that never felt good enough and that would be a travesty. Wow, that was long-winded.
Edited by SnackPack, Oct 12 2012, 09:09 AM.
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| Fish Cheeks | Oct 12 2012, 08:54 AM Post #9 |
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Snacky, I'm glad you chimed in because I remember you talking about this before. I think you and I are a lot alike. I also remember you saying that you don't mind spending time alone and could be a hermit in your house and be perfectly happy (I think that was you?) - I am the same way. In jobs I've been called "aloof" by coworkers, and my last boss called me "prickly" - I didn't mind that because I would be prickly when she would be stupid, so there's got to be a punishment for her bad behavior! So to continue this discussion - how are these perceptions different in male/female relationships vs. female/female relationships? Both of the people who made the comments about my personality were women. I think that men tend to appreciate my more no-nonsense, no-bullshit approach. I don't suffer fools and maybe men appreciate that more? Or maybe I just get along better with men because I don't have to second-guess their motives because they tend to just say what they think?
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| Barn Girl | Oct 12 2012, 01:41 PM Post #10 |
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It'll be an adventure! We're going on an adventure!
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I'm a bit like this too. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm blunt and forthright, plus I don't really do BS or small talk well. Like SP, I'm practical to a fault. I also am perfectly happy solo most of the time and enjoy the company of my animals way more than I enjoy the company of most people. It's funny, Mr. BG and I were talking about something the other day and he told me that I often come off as snooty to newcomers, when really I'm just sort of shy and don't like small talk. I was like "whatever" and he said "so you don't care what people think about you?" and I honestly replied "nope, sure don't." Hadn't given it much thought but I really could care less. I wasn't always like that but I think in my old(er) age I'm with SP, "I yam what I yam" . Like it or lump it!FC, men do appreciate it more, and I have always had more guy friends than girl friends for that very reason, I think. I'm a caring person and a loyal friend to people who accept me and treat me well. However, I don't like people enough in general to ever be considered "sweet" I don't think. Nice to know I have company in my crochety hermit-dom.
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| JanM | Oct 12 2012, 04:46 PM Post #11 |
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Off visiting Candy Cave, be right back.
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I think you are exactly right Barn Girl. A lot of people seem to stop pretending about who they really are with age. And I've never been someone who waited on others to come up with entertainment, but can always find something to do, and I know a lot of people find it strange that I'm content to do a lot of things alone, but they always have to have some social event to go to. And I think men are more blunt and plain spoken in their own communication style, so I think the ones that don't hint about everything or expect people to figure out what they really mean tend to have more male friends than female. |
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| DairyQueen2049 | Oct 13 2012, 04:00 PM Post #12 |
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DRAGON BREATH. DRAGGIN' BUTT
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Fishy my thoughts have gone this direction often. As a civil engineer - female - I'm the oddest duck err, human there is. It amazes me that there are others here that feel the same about themselves: likes to be alone, difficulty in social situations, worry about being liked and nice enough, good enough for other people to like... Differences make the world a more interesting place, I think. And my friend Rayna helped me understand that. She of the big heart and much kindness and easy friend making ways. I think what's important is that we try. We all try. And we are not alone in our tries. Sending you love and hugs. And know that Dave and I enjoyed you and Mr. Fishy when you visited, very much! |
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| JanM | Oct 13 2012, 04:56 PM Post #13 |
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Off visiting Candy Cave, be right back.
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I may be strange in that I don't have a huge circle of friends, but the ones I have are good friends who support me, and are there when something bad happens. I don't think the people with a huge circle of friends have more than a superficial relationship with most of them, and I don't think that you can have a huge number of really close friends and confidants, because that level of friendship and intimacy takes time and effort, and I don't think the social butterfly type has anything but very superficial friends.
Edited by JanM, Oct 13 2012, 04:57 PM.
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| gunnar | Oct 13 2012, 08:41 PM Post #14 |
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You're BANNED!
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I get it! I have become a recluse! Also a numbers person I am sort of black and white! I can be blunt but I hold my tongue! My job problem was that I could not hold that tongue! I do not reflect on these things. I try not to get in my own way! |
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| jillincolorado | Oct 16 2012, 07:09 AM Post #15 |
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You're BANNED!
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I have pondered this topic a lot in the past few days. having had a houseful of peeps the past week I have been unable to respond. Interesting topic. Interesting responses. Something I have often thought about myself. Why can't I be "nicer", truly, honestly, N-I-C-E-R?? I think it takes all kinds of people and "nice" is only one way to define a "good" person. Like most of you I am totally fine on my own. I always have things to do, yet I enjoy social situations...most of the time. I find that I am very hard on people, and quick to dismiss. There are just not that many people that I will let in, REALLY let in. I also find it gets worse as I get oloder. I care a lot LESS if you like me or not. I too get upset with myself at times and wonder why I can't be more accomodating, nicer, less judgemental, but I guess it's just the charm of me and something I try to work on. |
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