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Friend Advice; Friend going through breakup
Topic Started: Oct 4 2012, 09:34 AM (492 Views)
Won for Me
Is the meadow on fire?
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An old friend is going through a breakup. We used to work together and I was around when she met this man. 10 years later, he breaks up with her. He was always in the relationship part time. He would never say he loved her and they never lived together.

He is not a player...just a country type, never married, no kids. Very limited life experience and completely happy with his solitary life. Friend has three children all with their own challenges and really wants the white picket fence. They were never on the same page as far as the future.

He broke up with her around Memorial Day. I get emails constantly that she is having bad days, thinking about reaching out to him, crying, calling me...etc. Did I mention before this all we did was text Happy Birthday to each other now as I have not seen her for years.

I am at a loss. I feel so bad when I don't answer the phone, but it is draining to constantly say the same things over and over. I am about to switch my point of view and tell her to call him, crying and saying she wants him back. Should I just not respond anymore? Tell her that I have given her all the advice I can give?

I don't want to be an awful friend, but I feel used/used up.
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vxf111
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You're BANNED!
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How about just listening and not giving advice? Listening is still being a good friend.
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Bearhunter
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Magical Leopluridon
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I had a friend who would call me on a daily basis and complain. She was so negative but I listened and listened. I tried helping her and giving her advice but she could never hear me. Rarely, did she ask how I or my family was. I found that I would cringe when I saw she was calling. An event occurred which made me realize how self absorbed and selfish she was and we stopped talking. I truly don't miss her at all.

Some people don't know or understand the boundaries of friendship. You are not obligated to do anything. I suggest (if it makes you feel better) to let her know that you feel bad for her but it is apparent to you that your advice isn't helping her and that a therapist is what she needs. Good luck.
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Reynard Ridge
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Drivin' The Short Bus
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Sadly, what Bearhunter said.

She sounds awfully needy. Are you getting anything out of the relationship? It sounds so horrible to type that out loud, but let's face it, relationships are supposed to be two way streets.

I'd be inclined to give her the "Suck it up, cupcake" speech and move along.
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rhubarbpie
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I have a friend like that... she cannot let go when someone breaks up with her, nor can she ever pull the plug herself when it is obvious they are not long-term material. She and I are much closer than you and your friend, but it gets to the point where I won't answer the phone when she calls for the millionth time to ask why she can't call him and ask for another chance.

I finally told her that I can't keep having the same conversation with her, and that she needed to see a therapist because of her inability to have perspective on the situation. She didn't take it personally, and she is seeing a therapist. So far so good.
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FlashGordon
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rhubarbpie
Oct 4 2012, 01:02 PM
I finally told her that I can't keep having the same conversation with her, and that she needed to see a therapist because of her inability to have perspective on the situation. She didn't take it personally, and she is seeing a therapist. So far so good.
This.....

I am going through this with my sister.... times 2!!!! She is in the middle of a divorce, which has been taking 3+ years, and now she is also breaking up with her boyfriend of a year. I get phone calls/texts multiple times a day, about both men, it is craziness! If she were not my sister, I would not be able to tolerate it...

I finally (gently) told her the other day that maybe she should see a counselor, to help her sort through some of the emotions.

Therapy is a good thing!! ;)
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gunnar
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Btdt! I say try to listen. Being in a bad way I understand but I don't bother folks about it. I just grin and tear it!
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Jersey Fresh
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Ive been on the other end of this kind of situation. In fact, I'm pretty sure I still am. Granted the friends I am leaning on are my best friends that I have a strong relationship with to start. But after the rollarcoaster of this year that just doesnt seem to be improving, I dont even know why my friends are still my friends.

Its hard. I'm sure she is well aware of how much of burden she is on you. I know I am. But I'm not sure what else to do. I thought counseling helped me and maybe in some ways it did, but in a lot of ways it did a lot of damage that I still hold on to. Sometimes just talking to someone makes you feel even just a little bit better. For me, it keeps me from crying myself to sleep at night some nights. But its totally onesided, I know this, she probably knows this.

I dont really have anything constructive to add other than to say you are a good friend to even sit and listen to this person. Even if it goes in one ear and out the other, it helps to just be able to talk to someone when you are so unhappy.
Edited by Jersey Fresh, Oct 5 2012, 05:17 AM.
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WhySoSerious
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I, too have been on the other end of this. Several times. I've always been the type of person who thinks my life is ending, even when it's really just a small issue. I've lost a few friendships over being so negative and the friends essentially getting tired of me. Which I'm sure it was a huge inconvenience to those people, but in the end I did find out who my true friends were. Everybody goes through rough times, but as the person who's been the one with issues, I've really had to sit and think about how much these people meant to me by just having been there. It hurts when someone tells you that they're tired of hearing about your issues, but sometimes it does need to be said.

A lot of time for me, I was so depressed and down about life that I couldn't see how my actions were affecting other people, nor could I really take a break from the issues that were consuming me to reciprocate the friendship. That sounds completely terrible, but when you're really down on yourself, it can be really hard to see anything or anyone else. I've never been able to realize any of this at the time of the incident, but later I've realized how crappy of a friend I was and how much I need to thank my friends for being there for me.

Last year, in a somewhat related incident, I had a friend who I had some issues with in the past, where we'd stop talking for a while, start talking again and then we'd have an issue. With her, I was always intimidated by her and I felt like I was always walking on eggshells. She was very judgemental and pretty rude a lot of time. But she was very generous and if I needed something, she'd be there. However, it got to a point where I wasn't speaking to her unless I needed something because I was legitimately afraid of her. I had a lot of anxiety issues there for a while and it just got out of hand. Anyway, to not write a novel, we had a major falling out and have not spoken since. I miss her for what she was, but I don't miss how rude she was a lot of the time. She did a lot for me and I do appreciate it, but sometimes I feel like I wasn't quite appreciative enough. Though she'd do something nice, but then sometimes hold it over my head like I owed her. So I have a lot of mixed emotions about that deal.

So in the end, always tell your friends how much you appreciate them because the good ones are worth their weight in gold. :hug: :hug: :rose: :rose:
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Kassandra
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Is the meadow on fire?
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That's tough. I have a really hard time picking friends, although I feel like I am doing better lately (both reconnecting with old friends that are good friends, and with some of my more recent friendships that are healthy). I am a real "fix-it" type of person and have been through so much shit in my own life, that I really want to help people. But I found I keep attracting people into my life that just use me as a sounding board for their problems, but are never there for me....

I say just decide if this is REALLY someone you want to have as a friend? If so, resolve yourself to only engage as much as you can and try not to get invested in their issues and the outcome. Try to keep the friendship on the level you want it on, and when you just cant deal, just don't engage.
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