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| nevermind mods feel free to delete; when life's going bad, a disagreement with the new bf kinda sucks, but he didnt yell and we didnt beat each other up. | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Aug 30 2011, 06:53 AM (1,820 Views) | |
| jillincolorado | Aug 30 2011, 04:05 PM Post #16 |
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You're BANNED!
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DING DING DING! ...and he will NEVER ever get it!!!! I did not read all the responses, but having been down this road myself and NUMEROUS friends...he does not sound like he supports your decisions. Sorry if I was too quick to judge, but that's my opinion. Edited by jillincolorado, Aug 30 2011, 04:12 PM.
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| Sannois | Aug 30 2011, 04:42 PM Post #17 |
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You're BANNED!
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Ah Ha! I am not the only one! Of course I am jaded. 15 yr long bad marriage! But ditto Jaci and Kassandra! RUN!!!!!! |
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| JanM | Aug 30 2011, 05:09 PM Post #18 |
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Off visiting Candy Cave, be right back.
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Run away from him now! You don't need someone this controlling, and he sounds like step one on the path to hell. He will never stop criticizing how you spend money and spend your time, so go find someone else who values you as a human being with equal needs and wants. You deserve to be with someone who treats you as an adult, and not with someone who wants to control every move and resents the things that make you who you are. |
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| Onelanerode | Aug 30 2011, 05:58 PM Post #19 |
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Off visiting Candy Cave, be right back.
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My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 5. Our finances are joint, though we had for a while separate personal accounts into which a certain amount of money got put every month for each of us to do whatever we wanted with. I'm sure it goes without saying that mine went to the horse. ![]() I bought my mare in February 2008 and sold her in October 2010 for *way* less than what I paid for her. Of the roughly 2.5 years I had her, she was sound and rideable for about 9 months. We went through piss-poor farrier work that made her lame, and fixing that ended up costing not only a lot of money but was also very stressful, because fixing that for real meant basically getting a new support system, i.e., new trainer, new farrier, new vet. So ... to start using the farrier I wanted to use, I had to switch barns, which worked out well because that barn wasn't actually feeding my horse her grain. I found out about a mile into trip to new barn that mare did not trailer alone. An emergency vet call on the side of the road resulted. New barn is almost an hour away, one way, but mare's thriving, lots of turnout, unlimited forage, etc. Trainer there is absolutely fantastic, and we're finally making progress. And then mare gets a tooth root infection; we go back to ground work. A month after that tooth root infection is declared resolved, she comes up with another one on the other side. More time off. We finally get back into work and are taking lessons consistently, making great leaps and bounds (for us, anyway) ... and she gets ehrlichiosis. More time off, more vet bills, more antibiotics. Mare is finally sound and healthy, summer 2010 ... and she's decided that working for a living is really not in her life plan. She's emphatic enough about this in several different ways and I'm really not OK with her antics. She spends the summer in bootcamp with trainer, and we eventually decide that she's just not going to be the horse I want and need her to be, and we need to find her a situation with someone whose expectations of her are going to be more in line with what she can do and who she is. Not once during all of that did DH bitch about the money. He complained about how much this cost when I was getting nothing but stress, frustration and angst out of it, and I know he got tired of seeing me hang up the phone in tears, but he never once told me to get out of horses or even asked me to think about it. I don't want to think about how much we spent on that mare during the time I had her, but it was a lot. You're the only one who knows whether what you're getting out of this relationship is worth what you're putting into it. But don't ever change yourself for someone else. It is never going to be worth it, and at some point you're going to resent that person and you'll start kicking yourself for making choices that weren't a reflection of who you are and what is important to you. Asking for his input was a mature, thoughtful thing for you to do. It didn't sound to me that his response was either of those things. It's a red flag to me the amount of control he seems to want to have over your money and your time. He doesn't have to understand why the horse thing is important to you, but he does need to respect that it is. Every now and then you get into a situation with someone where he or she does a really good job of telling you clearly the kind of person he or she is, and it's usually a good idea to listen and heed that. |
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| Barn Girl | Aug 30 2011, 06:54 PM Post #20 |
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It'll be an adventure! We're going on an adventure!
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It's like that Maya Angelou quote "when someone first shows you who they are, believe them" (or something like that, I may have butchered it!) Sadly, like Corey said, people don't really change. I, too, learned this the really hard way with a BF-- and it only gets worse the longer you stay together.
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| JumpTheMoon | Aug 30 2011, 07:14 PM Post #21 |
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Off visiting Candy Cave, be right back.
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Onelandroad, that was a really, really good post. I couldn't have said it better myself. I can't even fathom my husband asking me to get out of horses because he just.....wouldn't. Ever. Leasing Skye for the last year and a half has been completely my idea because we had some big ticket items to pay for (wedding and house!) and I am admittedly not the best saver. But I think my husband is almost as excited as I am for me to have my horse back next month, even though it's going to really change our finances. Anything less supportive than that and they'd be out the door on the second date. |
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| jillincolorado | Aug 30 2011, 07:34 PM Post #22 |
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You're BANNED!
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You can never underestimate the importance of support. It doesn't have to be "his" thing, and his likes don't have to be your likes, but you have to RESPECT the person enough to support them in their pursuits. Like you said, it's not what he said, it's HOW he said it.
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| incentive | Aug 30 2011, 09:10 PM Post #23 |
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Magical Leopluridon
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Lots of warning bells clanging loudly!! A tiger may try to obscure its stripes. but they are still there. Is this what you want to deal/live with forever? From the replies you have gotten, it sounds as though lots of us have been down this road in one form or another. I hope you can go to school on their/our experience and save yourself much heartache. from one who was not willing to see and accept what was so obvious to everyone else
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| naters | Sep 1 2011, 12:58 PM Post #24 |
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It'll be an adventure! We're going on an adventure!
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Interestingly enough this has turned out ok and was a big fight over separate issues. It has given me an insight into his personality, and its not what I expected, but not necessarily bad. I'm having to type on my phone so bear with me...(Firefox isn't working for me on TOC). Turns out the insight to his personality is this: he is very literal and hates contradictions. So when I said a few months back "I'd like to really start looking at saving and investing now that I have my new job and they have a good matching plan" he took that very (too) seriously. So apparently when I started saying that I was trying to decide what kind of trailer to buy with the $$ from the burned trailer, he was like "wtf". Also interestingly enough - he thinks that if I love horses so much that I should quit engineering and do horses full time because I love it. (Uh, what?) Unfortunately I'm not rich and can't really do that. Also - it shows me he really has no clue how expensive this hobby REALLY is. So he was frustrated that I work 12 hour days to pay for the horse but don't get to ride much because I'm working because I'm paying for the horse. So this has turned out really weird, but better than I thought. |
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| naters | Sep 1 2011, 01:16 PM Post #25 |
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It'll be an adventure! We're going on an adventure!
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Also - on the trailer, he thinks if I'm going to buy another one, I need to do and and go in "whole hog" and be showing and trail riding, etc and not just have it for emergencies. Ummm. Ok! |
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| AstonMartin | Sep 2 2011, 05:54 AM Post #26 |
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Off visiting Candy Cave, be right back.
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I will not entertain a man that fights or yells ever again. A few of you know of the person I was with as my last Long-term man, and he was awesome at first. Unfortunately around the year and a half mark, when I graduated and started into a pretty sweet job, he became agressive and rude. Yelled at me for no reason - in public; infront of my mom or sister; infront of his family. No one at the time could understand why I kept putting up with it. When I think about it now my blood just boils. I'm a very strong personality and I cannot understand how i was so tangled. The problem is that when you're in love you do and accept things you might not with the brilliance of hindsight. I don't wish that you break up, but I do wish that he would learn to respect you and treat you better. I don't think anyone deserves abuse- verbal or otherwise. There are amazing people out there, and I feel that a good guy would try to talk through your love of horses not just explode. He would understand but still be free to air his concerns. Obviously if it is costing a lot of money he should have a say. However, he either accepts it and you try to compromise/ make it work or you don't. Like JTM said, sometimes you make changes to the recepie but you can't be expected to just get out of baking altogether. haha. Furthermore, it sounds like there are issues with your mother. I need my man or anyone close to me to love my family. I couldn't imagine that type of tension on a permanent level....perhaps that should be a red flag of sorts? Everyone deserves to be happy and treated like a princess. Onelaneroad - loved what you said....... |
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| naters | Sep 2 2011, 06:48 AM Post #27 |
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It'll be an adventure! We're going on an adventure!
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Oh, never said he yelled. I don't like yellers. A$$hole of 2010 was a yeller. That was short lived. Funny thing is, my mom did one of those things last night that drives me nuts all of the time, and his points on my mothers behavior are valid, believe me. Something I forgot to mention, the bat shit crazy thing was about horse shows. Not me going, or paying for them, but that he "doesn't want to go to horse shows, and doesn't want to spend his weekends at horse shows". Someone must have been talking to him about being at their wife's horse show or something. LOL. He was completely freaked out about having to groom for me at shows.... But - I have never even invited him to a show.... Still trying to figure out how to take advantage of that suggestion to quit my job and ride all day. LOL Yesterday he went looking for the horse park after work, and he scheduled his office party around my lesson schedule. |
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| smorse | Sep 2 2011, 07:11 AM Post #28 |
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Shunnnnn the unbeliever. Shunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
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Dr. Jersey Fresh you said it |
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| smorse | Sep 2 2011, 07:24 AM Post #29 |
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Shunnnnn the unbeliever. Shunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
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naters I quoted Dr JF before getting to page 2, but, I'm not going to type a giant response and so you and everyone else might take this the wrong way, but since 2003 I have been listening to a good friend a work tell me all about life with her husband who is totally controlling and psychologically abusive to her and her daughters from her first marriage. One question/statement/observation: You are very quick to jump to his defense as in how he just wants what's best for you. Is it really what's best for you or what he thinks is best for you? And, are you so wanting to be in a relationship that you are willing to make yourself 'less' in order to stay with this person? Because it seems that you are saying 'he is so much smarter than me, so much better, I should do what he tells me'. Once again, I am not saying the above to hurt your feelings and if we were talking face to face, I'd expound much more, but I don't like spending so much time typing, so maybe I shouldn't have posted anything all, but I pretty much agree with everyone else, that you should think long and hard about staying with this guy. One other thing, I can say anything I want about my family, but not you. That's my philosophy on the mother subject. Good luck. |
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| Kassandra | Sep 2 2011, 07:44 AM Post #30 |
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Is the meadow on fire?
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ditto all that smorse said. I hate to say it, because I don't know you personally, but by your posts you sound like a typical co-dependant who is in an unhealthy and abusive relationship. Sorry. |
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I, too, learned this the really hard way with a BF-- and it only gets worse the longer you stay together.


7:51 AM Jul 11