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nevermind mods feel free to delete; when life's going bad, a disagreement with the new bf kinda sucks, but he didnt yell and we didnt beat each other up.
Topic Started: Aug 30 2011, 06:53 AM (1,817 Views)
naters
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It'll be an adventure! We're going on an adventure!
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.
Edited by naters, Sep 11 2011, 12:52 PM.
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Kassandra
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Is the meadow on fire?
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Run away! I don't know your history with this guy, but this is a huge red flag and I think you know what the right thing to do is in your gut.

On the horse trailer thing, I would put the money in savings and casually look for a deal of a lifetime on a replacement but don't buy one just to have one. I only say this because lately I have seen some crazy deals for people who can pounce on them. Plus prices will come down even more after the show season (at least they do around here).
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Deleted User
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Some men aren't cut out to be married to "horse owners" - I really believe it takes a special person to tolerate the dedication, both time and money.

That said, since he is not a SPOUSE, he does NOT get to tell you what to do with your money. No freaking way.
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Kassandra
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Is the meadow on fire?
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greyhunterhorse
Aug 30 2011, 07:13 AM
Some men aren't cut out to be married to "horse owners" - I really believe it takes a special person to tolerate the dedication, both time and money.
Isn't that the truth? We would have to be in some pretty serious financial trouble for my husband to ever even think of bringing up me selling the pony. If I had a mother or someplace to "store" her then it would be a non-issue. I think I stress more about the ridiculous amount of money I spend every month, he just feels like it's a necessity in life to keep me somewhat sane.

Now during times when I was spending crazy amounts on vet bills and coming home crying because of my mare who had one huge problem after another he would sometimes say "why do you do this??" The horse situation was making me miserable and depressed and it did seem like I was just pouring money down a hole and not getting any enjoyment out of it. Could that be what he was really getting at? Could he possibly be reacting to all the stress you dealt with, but not really mean he wants you to get rid of the horse?
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RHowell
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You're BANNED!
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Golfing is a sink hole, any hobby is a sink hole. You get to decide whether the benefit you receive from your hobby is worth the financial strain is causes. ANyone who doesn't understand the important role that horses play in your life now, will never understand. Only you can decide whether a partner who doesn't "understand" you is something that you can and want to live with.
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Reynard Ridge
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Drivin' The Short Bus
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greyhunterhorse
Aug 30 2011, 07:13 AM
Some men aren't cut out to be married to "horse owners" - I really believe it takes a special person to tolerate the dedication, both time and money.

That said, since he is not a SPOUSE, he does NOT get to tell you what to do with your money. No freaking way.
I don't think this sort of attitude gets better with time. If this is his position, I think you need to think long and hard about what you want long term.

If it's him, horses are going to be an issue for him when your money and his money become "joint money."

Love is a many splendor-ed thing, but real life is about being able to handle the day to day issues that come with who you are. You are a horse person, you have a horse, you expect to be able to spend money on a horse.

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I agree with what everyone else has said after me too, and what Kass said about it keeping her sane and her DH understanding that.....this is something my DH has said, time and again, even with how hard things have been for us this year. It keeps me sane, and we do what we can to make it work. The big, fat GHH is a part of the family good bad and otherwise. If your BF can't accept that yours is too, then, that will be a problem for you guys I think.
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Kassandra
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Is the meadow on fire?
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naters
Aug 30 2011, 07:58 AM
On the horse trailer: I like the above suggestion that we may find good deals in the winter. Just sucks not being able to GO anywhere (not just shows, but trails, lessons, etc).
Oh I don't know that you would have to wait that long, I just meant instead of being desperate like you HAVE to have a trailer right now, go slow and wait for a good deal.

I only say that because I am considering selling my 2 horse and getting a small gooseneck for camping/weekends. Every once in a while I see some really amazing deal come along from someone wanting to unload a nice trailer fast. But like you I dread being without a trailer.
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DairyQueen2049
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DRAGON BREATH. DRAGGIN' BUTT
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Reynard Ridge
Aug 30 2011, 07:53 AM
greyhunterhorse
Aug 30 2011, 07:13 AM
Some men aren't cut out to be married to "horse owners" - I really believe it takes a special person to tolerate the dedication, both time and money.

That said, since he is not a SPOUSE, he does NOT get to tell you what to do with your money. No freaking way.
I don't think this sort of attitude gets better with time. If this is his position, I think you need to think long and hard about what you want long term.

If it's him, horses are going to be an issue for him when your money and his money become "joint money."

Love is a many splendor-ed thing, but real life is about being able to handle the day to day issues that come with who you are. You are a horse person, you have a horse, you expect to be able to spend money on a horse.

You TOCers are so wise.

THIS SO MUCH.

It is your money, he gets no say in how you spend it.

And the big red warning signs all went off in my head the way you describe this discussion turned lecture.

Horses are a sink hole - one that we love and makes us happy - therefore they are a GOOD sink hole: unlike drugs, alcohol, - you get the drift.

I hope he was just having a bad day, selfish moment, whatever. Cuz it sounds pretty controlling to me.
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Barn Girl
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It'll be an adventure! We're going on an adventure!
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naters, is this the same guy that you had the issue with lying about his porn stash? (Or have I lost my mind and that wasn't naters but another poster? :huh: ) If it's the same dude, my advice would be to cut and run.

Either way, I agree that no bf would get ANY input into my financial matters-- you need to be a spouse for that to happen. If you foresee ending up getting married to this guy, you need to hash out this horse thing (and family thing) now, or else it will bite you big time later on.
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Deleted User
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DQ mentioned the controlling thing. I wasn't going to infer my experience onto you...BUT, I will share.

I had a BF who started with telling me I couldn't spend my own money. It started on shoes. A pair of sneakers, actually. This was during a horseless period.

It continued with his 6'5 self screaming me into corners about every day issues that he needed to control, because he could.

It ended, the day he went to hit me for asking him to get his dog off MY couch so I could sit down.

Not saying the control ever will escalate. Or that its even remotely similar. I just had a little shiver of similarity. I offer hugs and sympathy and hope its not ever remotely the same!!!!! I'm sure you have better taste in men than I did!!!
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doubledare
Shunnnnn the unbeliever. Shunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
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I think that a person you want to be with long term wants you to be happy and you want the same for your spouse/partner. If having a horse makes you happy, then your partner should understand this and try to help you achieve this goal. (I am not saying you burden yourself financially to the point of breaking, but you work something out.)

Beyond the controlling aspect of his comments, what scares me is that he is not thinking of your happiness. He is thinking only of the money and how it affects him. That to me is a deal breaker. I want to be with someone who wants me to have the things that are important to me. In turn, I want my partner to have the things that make him happy. Everyone is a relationship has to be willing to compromise on issues and a level of fairness is involved, but in the end, you should both want the best for each other.
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Jersey Fresh
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Off visiting Candy Cave, be right back.
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Is this the same BF you've posted multiple times before about being an a-hole? If so, why not solve this problem by getting rid of him?
Edited by Jersey Fresh, Aug 30 2011, 01:57 PM.
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Corey94
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Off visiting Candy Cave, be right back.
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I think he's showing and telling you how he feels. and I think you need to listen....

It could be worse, he could be telling you what you want to hear, and feeling otherwise. Then you get more serious, and then the truth will come out.

It's sort of a gift really. Now you can decide what you want to do with all the cards on the table. People don't change much really...

Thinking of you, naters. Finding 'holes' in your boyfriend is tough.... :hug: :hug:
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Sannois
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You're BANNED!
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He has no right to tell you what to do, you are not married.
He can voice his opinion, if asked, but that is all.
I agree with Kassandra! Ditch him! A calm conversation is one thing, getting into a big fight about something that is not his business or money, is not good.
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