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I need your counsel; Talk me out of doing something I may regret
Topic Started: May 15 2011, 03:54 PM (789 Views)
Kassandra
Member Avatar
Is the meadow on fire?
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Honestly, until all parties can really sit down and talk to each other honestly about what is bothering them there's nothing that can be "done" to fix anything.

I watched this almost exact same dynamic play out with my cousins. I was in the odd situation in that my uncle (my dad's sister's ex-husband!) was really good to me and I spent many summers at his house as well as lived with him full time for two years. I adored my uncle but he was really tough. My aunt was a very angry and bitter ex-wife that spent years poisoning my two cousins against their father. The girls were in the middle and acted out in all sorts of ways, but ultimately stuck by their mother as "protectors" even though she was batshit crazy. My uncle had a lot of anger towards my aunt and his children. Then when he married a much younger wife (who he has now spent 30 years with and is still happily married!) she was the evil bitch gold-digger and went through hell.

It got bad, my one cousin attempted suicide repeatedly, end up in an institution, had shock treatments. Her behavior got so bad and so disruptive and even threatening to her half-sister that my uncle disowned her for several years.

I only write this because it was all SO SAD. My uncle was my hero when I was younger, gave me my first horse, paid for lessons, bought a trailer and hauled me to horse shows, all for a young girl he wasn't even really related to. But he was not one to be emotional, say I love you, and he was a tough guy and didn't take any shit either. He also bought them everything and supported them in any way he could, but it was never enough. The parents hate for each other just poisoned everything :(
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JanM
Off visiting Candy Cave, be right back.
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I'm so sorry you and Mr Diva have to go through this. There is nothing you can say or do to fix this, and I doubt there's anything Mr Diva can do about it either. Some indulged, spoiled children who are the raised to be the center of the universe grow up to believe this forever, and it's a very sad thing. In my experience the children will always be users, who only show up when there is money or something they want. Everyone I know with children like this waits for them to change, but they don't. It's way too late for the children to grow up, and I believe what Mr. Diva has decided is the right thing. You can't make someone who is self-centered and spoiled rotten love you, and there is no way to change that. I predict that once the gravy train is cut off for money, and things that you won't hear from the older children at all. And the 16 year old may have learned too much from the older kids to be different either, since at 16 the attitudes and behaviors are probably pretty firmly set.
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Robin
We're on a bridge, Chaaaaaaaaarlie!
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There is one thing you can do to help your husband and might be
valued someday by his children. Focus on creating a "biography"
of grandfather. Whether a scrapbook, a video of last interviews,
a private website, whatever form makes sense to you. It is
hard for young people to really understand that someone will
not be there someday and they might (might) come to value
greatly a memory of a now-deceased relative.

I would put energy and effort into that rather than trying
to make any connection with those children now. I'd also
try to get your DH to focus on that rather than the kids
and their current behavior.
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needaneasybutton
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I Visited Candy Mountain and All I Got Was This Lousy Incision
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Kassandra
May 15 2011, 09:13 PM
Honestly, until all parties can really sit down and talk to each other honestly about what is bothering them there's nothing that can be "done" to fix anything.

I watched this almost exact same dynamic play out with my cousins. I was in the odd situation in that my uncle (my dad's sister's ex-husband!) was really good to me and I spent many summers at his house as well as lived with him full time for two years. I adored my uncle but he was really tough. My aunt was a very angry and bitter ex-wife that spent years poisoning my two cousins against their father. The girls were in the middle and acted out in all sorts of ways, but ultimately stuck by their mother as "protectors" even though she was batshit crazy. My uncle had a lot of anger towards my aunt and his children. Then when he married a much younger wife (who he has now spent 30 years with and is still happily married!) she was the evil bitch gold-digger and went through hell.

It got bad, my one cousin attempted suicide repeatedly, end up in an institution, had shock treatments. Her behavior got so bad and so disruptive and even threatening to her half-sister that my uncle disowned her for several years.

I only write this because it was all SO SAD. My uncle was my hero when I was younger, gave me my first horse, paid for lessons, bought a trailer and hauled me to horse shows, all for a young girl he wasn't even really related to. But he was not one to be emotional, say I love you, and he was a tough guy and didn't take any shit either. He also bought them everything and supported them in any way he could, but it was never enough. The parents hate for each other just poisoned everything :(
Just to pick up on Kassandra's first line here - is there any hope that they (and you) could all get together in a neutral setting?

All I can say is I am so sorry this happening to you both! I just cant imagine how they could turn their back on family :no: !
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AstonMartin
Off visiting Candy Cave, be right back.
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I was going to respond, but I think family is such a deeply emotional issue that its very hard to know what is the 'right' thing in any situation.

The only thing I would say is that I think it would be best to bite your tounge here. Its not the right thing for the kids to do - for sure. But this could all turn into a nightmare quickly.
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AstonMartin
Off visiting Candy Cave, be right back.
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K has a great point....i agree with everything she has said. I have read various Fam Law cases which are scathing to parents. You basically see how both parents are fit, but for one reason or another the influence of one parent has poisoned the children from accepting and loving the other. One parent ends up with custody because that poisoned point of view means its no longer in the best interests of the child to be placed equally with the other (innocent) parent. So sad.
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Little Diva
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You're BANNED!
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Kassandra
May 15 2011, 09:13 PM
The parents hate for each other just poisoned everything :(
That says it right there. At the end of the day, Mr. Diva and his ex have done this to their kids -- her with her total hands off, there is nothing I can do attitude towards the kids and everything they do, and Mr. Diva trying to support and love his kids anyway he can, including buying stuff for them and trying to help them out.

I was hoping that this morning his attitude may have softened a bit towards the children but it has not. He is still standing firm that he wants nothing to do with them. I told him that he has to at least speak to their mother and tell her what he is doing and why and prepare to relinquish his parental rights where the youngest is concerned otherwise she is going to come after him for child support.

Frankly, and between us, I welcome not having to deal with them any longer.
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Won for Me
Is the meadow on fire?
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

It is hard to be caught in the middle. At least here, even if he gives up Parental Rights, he still has to pay child support...

It is a really hard situation. I would also stay out of it. I think it might come back to bite. Offer support and love to your DH, listen, empathize and only nod when he talks about the kids.

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macmtn
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Owned by an Arabian ghost
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Hugs to BOTH of you.You-are in an impossible position. NOT your kids-I would just keep quiet and let him fume. He has earned that right.

I have a good friend going though the same kind of crap...adult and almost adult chillens that think their divorced parental units owe them a living with free cable, free cars, money, built in cook-laundry service and a nice warm bed.
She is the new 'stepmom' and she seeing his kids (with their mother's encouragment) rip him off blind and use/abuse him like a rented mule. 2 of these -unemployed adults-still live at home making life very hard for Dad and stepmom. She calls me in tears over the crap these supposedly adult humans pull on her when 'dad'is not around but she doesn't want to be the one to get between the father & his offspring. So mostly she just shuts up. But-they Kind of tear a hole in her dreams of a good (second) marriage

In the end DAD has to deal with-or not deal with his offspring. The offspring will find life is not good without a handy family ATM machine-and that maybe a good thing. Drop them-they will not break. (they will blame you, cry wail piss moan complain and throw a tantrum-yea) When do they finally become responsible for their own decisions??? (without daddy running to bail them out yet again..) Answer: when daddy lets them. His hurt is real-and you are the only one who can hold his hand while it fades.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
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