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I need your counsel; Talk me out of doing something I may regret
Topic Started: May 15 2011, 03:54 PM (788 Views)
Little Diva
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No, I am not contemplating the purchase of another horse ;) however, I do need advice.
Mr. Diva has three children -- two sons, one daughter. I am pretty sure that I have spoken of them in the past. Recently, the relationship with his daughter has been strained to say the least. I have been staying out of it because I feel I have the potential to do more harm than good where she is concerned.

His eldest son has been having trouble lately and mr. Diva has consistently been there providing money and emotional support. He was supposed to design a bathroom vanity for us but for whatever reason, it has never been done, and mr. Diva gave him money to start as well.

Now, when mr. Diva needs the three kids -- mr. Diva in law has Alzheimers and is rapidly going down hill -- they are choosing to remain with their mother rather than seeing their grandfather for one last time before this horrible disease claims what is left of his mind and personality.

Mr. Diva has been cut to the quick by this. He has told me that he never wants to hear from or see his kids again -- any of them. He said that it does not matter what he does, or how much he gives, they never give back and turn him away.

Other than providing hugs, love and support for mr. Diva, I am struggling NOT to call his kids and tell them exactly what I think of their attitude and behavior towards their dad. I know that would make matters worse, so I am asking you to help me not call, text, or write an email. And calling their mother will do no good because her answe is always the same -- there is nothing I can do, which is how we have ended up here. She let's the kids do whatever they want, with no consequences, and we are the bad cops because we have always had rules, boundaries and limitations for them.

I am just sick about this.
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jillincolorado
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Oh Diva :( As I see it there is not much you can do other than support support support. His kids are his kids and even though it would make YOU feel better to let them have it, I feel it would probably only create more of a problem for you in the long run.

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Buryinghill1
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Been there. Keep out of it.

:hug: :hug:
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Black Tack
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I think you should say something to them but only if you can do it without blaming and without anger or malice.

If you can somehow just get the point across that Mr Diva could use the support right now with what's going on with his Dad and you hope that they can at least get in touch with him and talk about it a bit or possibly go and visit with him.

Just once, not nagging, not finger pointing. Just suggesting what Mr Diva really needs right now and then walk away.

At least that way you have done what you can. They may just need a reminder/prompter. We can hope that at least one of them might do something to help out. Good Luck, it's hard for you watching all of this I'm sure :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :martini:
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gunnar
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How awful. I was so close to my Grandfather so I cannot concieve of this! I like BT's sdvice. Hugs to the DH.
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CDE Driver
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You have talked in the past about how, well, difficult they are. While I agree that it would be immensely satisfying to let them have it I would stay out of it as well.
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Plaza Suite
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Shunnnnn the unbeliever. Shunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
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No advice but just wanted to send some :hug: :hug: :hug: . Thats such a tough situation and i feel for you.
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RNB
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Guiding your way to Candy Mountain, since 1873.
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How old are these kids?
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Little Diva
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The eldest son is 27, the daughter will be 20 in July and the youngest will be 16 in another couple of weeks. The two eldest are dispicable. They have used their father relentlessly. Mr. Diva bought the eldest a truck last year -- albeit used and not overly expensive, but it is in Mr. Diva's name and we pay the insurance on the truck. He bought the daughter a new cell phone and she proceeded to call him and me and my parents every name in the book only days after he purchased the phone for her. And I did not know about that until he was in the hospital with his head injury. Of course, once she was told what her first bill was, she gave the phone back to her dad, and said she was not paying the bill, so now we are stuck with a cell phone for 3 years that we do not use, and we paid her phone bill.

Yup, there is a pattern here. I am just tired of seeing Mr. Diva try to help his kids just to get kicked in the whoo whoos by them when he wants something for himself from them.
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FlashGordon
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LD, I know how upset you must be to see Mr. LD's kids taking advantage of him like that. I kind of like BT's approach of maybe just saying something to them once, calmy, and then letting it go. Otherwise, I'd just step away. I know it is incredibly hard, I've watched a similar situation unfold and I've found that stepping in only seems to make things messier.

I'm so sorry your hubby is going through this. :( I hope the kids grow up and realize what they are putting their dad through.

PS- How is Mr. LD feeling?
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incentive
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How terrible for you and esp. for Mr. Diva! At their ages, the 2 older ones are most likely a lost cause. Possibly the youngest might at some point decide to be decent. The urge to blast all of them must be overwhelming. Other than making you feel better momentarily, speaking up will most likely not do any good. I think the most you can do is what BT suggested. And if you elect to say nothing, then Mr. Diva can't blame you for alienating his kids. :luck: :luck: :luck: :luck: :luck: and :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: to both of you!!!!!!!!
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Kassandra
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Wow, that's really sad. All I can say is giving THINGS to kids IMO doesn't help them or show them love. Obviously they have a lot of pain and hurt from their childhood dealing with what sounds like a not so nice divorce, and parents who did not parent together. I have no idea what the whole history is, but it seems like the kids have paid the price and are now a mess.

I would say for you to stay out of it, and advise your husband to not make a big ordeal about "disowning" them. Give your love and support and make it known you are there for them emotionally, but stop buying them things.
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SnackPack
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I waiver between the say something and not camps. Saying somethin will feel really good, but it usually isn't going to go over well.

Honestly, I don't know if you can change kids like this...especially at this stage. When they are older, they may realize, but maybe not. I do wonder if Mr. LD stopped givin them whatever they wanted if they'd start respecting and appreciating him more. Honestly, with behavior like the daughter's regarding the phone, I wouldn't be giving her anything else. It's sad but true saying that we can only be taken advantage of if we allow ourselves to be. These kids are obviously not grateful for Mr. LD's financial gifts/support...it doesn't surprise me that they aren't there for him emotionally either.

:hug: to you because you are in the middle. And :hug: to Mr. LD for dealing with ungrateful and unsupportive children.
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Reynard Ridge
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How heartbreaking for all concerned, LD. :no:

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Little Diva
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It's not about the things. What bothers him more than anything is that when they need something -- like when the eldest lost his job two weeks ago, mr. Diva went and picked up his tools for him and drovethem to his sons place, which is an hour from here.

He said every time I try and do something for the kids, I just get crapped on, so he has had enough.

I am still undecided as to what to do. I know what I would LIKE to do, but that would Make things worse. I am going to try very hard to take the BH1 approach and stay out of it. But it is going to be really hard.
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