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| Dealing with infidelity; in friends | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Sep 25 2010, 07:27 PM (963 Views) | |
| Trialbyfire | Sep 25 2010, 07:27 PM Post #1 |
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You're BANNED!
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I have a friend who slept with another friend's husband. Both are people we see often, both have kids (lots of kids involved)....and families devastated on both sides....kids all in therapy. My kids don't know the details and we're trying to keep it that way, but so difficult and awkward for everyone. I'm trying not to take sides, even though clearly one party was totally innocent and the other...obviously not so much. I'm sure there really aren't any "tips" you can give me for dealing with this situation....I think I'm just looking for sympathy right now. Have you ever dealt with something like this? Is there any "grey area?" I mean, I don't condone cheating, but do you dump a friend who cheated? Or do you allow for "mistakes in judgement"? Our circle of friends is fracturing - people taking sides. I'm trying to stay neutral....but this is really hard. I'm hoping we can stay neutral and *disinterested* but I'm not sure what will happen if my kids find out the details..... I've never had any desire to cheat on my spouse but seeing how things go afterwards...I think I'm pretty sure I'll never consider it.
Edited by Trialbyfire, Sep 25 2010, 07:27 PM.
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| RHowell | Sep 25 2010, 07:42 PM Post #2 |
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You're BANNED!
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Big Hugs to you! I don't really have too much advice to give, but I know in High School a boyfriend's mother was having an affair and her children were "in on it" and I had the "pleasure" of going to a party where she was there with her lover. The father was not the boys biological father, but he had adopted her children (father deceased) and, anyway, to make a short story longer, I couldn't handle being at that party and the deceit being carried out against the man who had raised these boys and paid for their lives unflinchingly for all those years. I'm not very good at handling infidelity and the nagging discomfort would probably make it very hard for me to be around the people involved. I would probably still see them as friends, but distance myself a bit so that I wasn't sucked into their vortex. There are too many good people who don't do selfish things that I don't have time to be with/waste too much time on people who do things that upset me and are hurtful to others. Edited by RHowell, Sep 26 2010, 05:36 AM.
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| Buryinghill1 | Sep 26 2010, 04:38 AM Post #3 |
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You're BANNED!
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Do you dump friends for other reasons? I'll bet you could get a lot of different answers to your questions. I probably would not 'dump' a friend for being unfaithful. I would be honest, and disappointed, and be brutally honest. I would be very supportive of all the kids. I think my response would also involve whether the guilty parties continued with the relationship. How selfish to have a fling, and not think how it would affect your spouse, and your kids. Not even a night with Mike Rowe is worth a lifetime of your kid's anger. |
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| JumpTheMoon | Sep 26 2010, 05:05 AM Post #4 |
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Off visiting Candy Cave, be right back.
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If both parties involved have families and kids, I am failing to see how one party could be totally innocent? I'm new to the whole "being married and being friends with married people" scene, but if it were me, and if these friends were good enough friends, I would probably distance myself enough until the storm passes so as to not get stuck in the middle or forced to choose a side, and then reassess after things have somewhat died down. After all is said and done, these people may change into someone you don't want to be friends with anymore anyways. But I personally wouldn't dump a GOOD friend for this reason, though the parameters of the friendship might change a bit. |
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| Trialbyfire | Sep 26 2010, 05:26 AM Post #5 |
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You're BANNED!
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I'm primarily friends with the wives, so one wife and one husband are clearly guilty. The other wife and husband, absolutely shocked and devastated....this was apparently completely unexpected [at least as far as the "innocent" wife has said, not sure what the husband of the other wife has to say because we really don't see each other and doubtful he'd confide in me anyway.] Worst of all was that these two women were very close friends (and I'm actually one of the "new" friends in the group). So the kids have grown up together but now those friendships are probably ruined because they are so embarrassed, so traumatized. They don't want to see each other even though, of course, they know that it's not about the kids. Interesting question "do you dump friends for other reasons?" Well, I've never *had* to dump a friend, but it would seem that yeah, there could be times when you have to -- if they are abusive to their spouse or kids, become involved with illegal drugs, conduct unethical business practices....I could see certain big issues that would make it impossible to still be someone's friend. Just not sure infidelity is one of them....or maybe it is. Well, we're trying to weather the storm for now. Our kids were all in the same cooperative program but some members have now left....we're trying to keep our distance but yikes. It's really hard. I've tried really hard not to take sides but there really isn't any way to excuse the married individuals who did this....their kids lives are just really, permanently changed and not sure you can ever make up for that.
Edited by Trialbyfire, Sep 26 2010, 05:27 AM.
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| JumpTheMoon | Sep 26 2010, 05:41 AM Post #6 |
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Off visiting Candy Cave, be right back.
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Gotcha! I thought you meant that of the two cheating parties, one was totally innocent. That's a really tough situation Those poor kids.
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| smorse | Sep 26 2010, 06:08 AM Post #7 |
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Shunnnnn the unbeliever. Shunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
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The older I get the more "blurred' the lines get (and I'm not talking about reading). I used to be pretty much a 'black and white' person, and in my younger days would probably cut ties with the woman. However, as I go thru life, I tend to put myself in other's place and things just aren't that cut and dried. If you are good friends with the couples, stay friendly; if you are just casual acquaintences, you'll probably just not have as many reasons to get together and the friendship will end quietly. I'm not condoning cheating and if I were married and my husband cheated on me, well, he'd be out the door (what happened to seeing things from the other person's side??). I might take him back, I don't know, that's something that can't be really answered until you actually get in that situation. People make mistakes, people do some things deliberately, it's all a life process. I hate sounding so cliche, but everyone will learn something from this and what you learn will be of use later in your lifetime. |
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| MayaTy02 | Sep 26 2010, 07:40 AM Post #8 |
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You're BANNED!
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wow I can't even imagine...was it a one time thing and they came clean about it? If so, I guess I could find it in my heart to be friends with them still. I guess I agree with just wanting to stay a little apart and hope it gets better with time. Don't shut the kids out though...they need their friends and support now more than ever. |
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| jillincolorado | Sep 26 2010, 07:41 AM Post #9 |
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You're BANNED!
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Thinking...thinking...thinking. Yes, BH is correct. I also agree with JTM in that neither is innocent or "more" innocent. Just re-read your post and I see what you mean now. Innocent as in the two fro different families who DIDN"T Cheat. I do not believe in cheating, but I understand we also live in a real world where people sometimes marry the wrong person or someone changes or goals change. I honestly think it's a pretty amazing feat to STAY married and happy with all the distractions, physical and otherwise, in todays environment. Fact is people make mistakes. Selfish, horrible mistakes without thinking through the consequences. I thinks it's perfectly acceptable for you to be upset and disappointed with your friend(s). It's affected you. It's affected your friendship and worst of all it's affected children and families. I say do what you have to do to keep yourself in tact. The friendship, like the marriages involved, may or may not survive. Over time you may be able to see past things and mend fences, maybe not. I think, for me, this would really depend on how the parties handle themselves. I'm betting if they were brazen enough to cheat, it's not the end of the ickyness by a long shot. I agree that th kids really need stability right now. As much as they can get. Perhaps that's where you can focus your energy?? Edited by jillincolorado, Sep 26 2010, 07:51 AM.
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| FlashGordon | Sep 26 2010, 07:47 AM Post #10 |
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You're BANNED!
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Wow TBF that is some tough stuff. Especially since there are kids involved who I'm guessing must be at least semi-aware of the situation? The betrayal is made even worse by the fact that the families were such good friends. I can see it would be very hard to stay friends with someone who, as demonstrated by their actions in this situation, may not share your moral compass. It could certainly change a friendship. I think being the "newer" friend to the group just remaining neutral and staying out of the mess as you have is best. If other friends put pressure on you to take a side just tell them you don't want to be involved. Hugs to you.... |
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| JanM | Sep 26 2010, 08:06 AM Post #11 |
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Off visiting Candy Cave, be right back.
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I think you will have to take your cues from the wronged party. If they stay together, and you have regular contact with them then you will probably have to ignore what he did for the wife and children's sake. Even though you would probably like to dump the hubby, unless there is a divorce you probably will be running into the couple about as often as you do now. I feel so sorry for the children in these cases. |
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| Trialbyfire | Sep 26 2010, 08:13 AM Post #12 |
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You're BANNED!
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Yes, this is the plan at the moment. And ironically, my opinion *might* be changed by how they handle the situation (e.g. was it a one-time thing and they regret it?) but in order to know these things it means being willing to hear the sordid details....which makes it really hard not to take sides -- and they seem to be different depending on who you are listening to. Lots of anger going around and lots of tears from everyone. So, I am really trying to step back and just try to be there for the kids. It seems that the kids (15, 13, 13, & 8) are all aware, and some of what they are hearing is VERY inappropriate for kids. Not exactly how you want your kids to learn about sex & relationships....to find out your dad had sex with your best friend's mom in her mini-van. No idea how these things are getting out there but they are...(and are apparently true).Sigh. Well, thanks for letting me vent. There is only one other person in the group that I can really talk to about this; we are both newcomers to the group so it's easier to sort of sidestep the fray, but it does affect us all.....and we're just hoping our kids don't learn the details but the reality is that if some kids know them, ultimately we can expect they will hear something. |
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| jillincolorado | Sep 26 2010, 11:51 AM Post #13 |
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ugh Why would anyone need to hear ANY details at all? The fact that cheated isn't enough? To me that speaks VOLUMES about how they are handling things.I think I would be hesitant to spend any time with any of the adults and I would focus on the kids. Edited by jillincolorado, Sep 26 2010, 11:51 AM.
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| headlesshorseman | Sep 26 2010, 12:37 PM Post #14 |
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Trail I just told my husband IF he knows of any of our friends doing this....DON'T TELL ME....If I found out, I'd have to TELL my friend and I would HATE TO BE THAT PERSON.... GOOD LUCK with this....It is going to be SO HARD for you to be "normal"..... HH
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| FlashGordon | Sep 26 2010, 05:35 PM Post #15 |
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You're BANNED!
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Ugggghhhhh. I think the hardest part of parenting is helping you kids understand/cope with things that happen OUTSIDE of the family dynamic... things you have no control over, like this. I wish sometimes there was a manual or a book that told me how to explain some of these sticky situations. Obviously Little FG is only 4 so we haven't hit on such heavy topics as infidelity but for instance right now, she is realizing that sometimes Moms & Dads don't live together... like she realizes my parents used to be married, but are not now, and it is hard for her to understand. Anyway good luck navigating this, definitely sounds like a sticky situation. And is it bad that the fact they were making out in the mini-van made me |
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Yes, BH is correct.
So, I am really trying to step back and just try to be there for the kids.
No idea how these things are getting out there but they are...(and are apparently true).

1:14 AM Jul 11