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| Cheating on a partner; I don't understand | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: May 7 2010, 07:00 AM (869 Views) | |
| Fish Cheeks | May 7 2010, 07:00 AM Post #1 |
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Last night I was in the barn feeding the horses. Mr. Fishy came up to visit me, sat down on the bales of shavings an announced that our friend had just called. Her husband (also our friend) had an affair and is leaving her. They have two kids under 5 and she's a stay at home mom. Part of me is just shocked and I feel like this came out of the blue. They always seemed to get along, be really good friends and share common goals and ideals. On the other hand, this doesn't surprise me. With his profession, it would be easy to have a "God complex" and have willing ladies in the workplace to feed his ego and look up to him and give him an opportunity to cheat. The mistress is also married with children. ![]() He told his wife that he's not meant for monogamy and he can't live his life that way and he needs danger and adventure in his life and she does not provide that for him. I'm so disappointed. I don't understand cheating - I suppose if he wanted danger and excitement in his life then cheating supplied that. But couldn't he have found something dangerous to do after he left his wife? At any time I'm sure both Mr. Fishy and I could find opportunities to cheat, but it is not in our nature. Even when I was married to my ex-husband and hated him so much, I still never considered it even though I easily could have done it. Any have experience with cheating and understanding it (either because you were the cheater or you have been cheated on and got some inside perspective)? It would be easy to say "men are assholes" and that's what they do, but plenty of women cheat, too. We're going to see our friend on Sunday night to talk to her and see if there's anything we can do to help. She's being very open and honest about the situation, which I think is good. |
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| Little Diva | May 7 2010, 07:19 AM Post #2 |
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Fishy, I have been both the cheater and the cheated upon. I dont know why I cheated other than I was trying to FORCE the end of a really bad relationship that was not giving me what I wanted. And I know I was really really wrong -- not to end the marriage, cause that was right. They way I did it was wrong. The father of my children was a notorious cheater and that has shaped every relationship I have had subsequently and I dont know why he cheated. And he does not either. I asked him many many times and never got any kind of an answer, not that there is a good one. And now, with all of the crap in the diva household, I do find myself considering cheating from time to time. I dont know if I would ever act on it -- not for any other reason than I just do not have the energy to do all of that cloak and dagger stuff anymore and I would like to think that I am beyond that now and have matured a bit more. I don't know why people cheat. I know in my case, it was ME, not my ex who had the problem when I cheated. I was a mess and it showed up in so many ways and the affairs were just symptoms of my messiness. I don't know if I am making any sense or being any help, but if you are going to tell your friend any one thing, tell her that this is NOT a failing on her part whatsoever. She has done nothing wrong other than to make a home for someone. He is the one with the problems and the issues and he needs to sort it out before he can move on. And she needs a good lawyer. |
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| OpticalIllusion | May 7 2010, 07:20 AM Post #3 |
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Hes going to quickly realize its not as much 'fun' when he isnt cheating. There is no rationalizing cheating. Some people dont have the desire to be in a committed relationship, not that that gives anyone an excuse to be a cheater. |
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| Witchy | May 7 2010, 07:28 AM Post #4 |
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It all comes down to the fact that this man is a selfish ass and if she looks at all the other aspects of their life together she will see all the compromises she made to keep him happy and the selfish things he demanded that she just did without really giving thought to it, because she was trying to have a happy home. I know that it's not at all what she waned for her life or for her children, but in the end it will be for the best that he left and didn't try to patch things up just to cheat on her again down the road. If he's not sorry about what he did, he's not a good person. It wouldn't be any easier if he left before cheating, it would hurt just as much, although we do like to try and rationalize that it would be better. The hardest part of the whole thing is that she will feel that she isn't pretty enough, smart enough, good enough, but none of that is true. I saw on an Oprah show that most men cheat with women who aren't nearly as good as their wives, because the good ones don't fool around with married men. Simple as that. It wouldn't matter if she was the most beautiful girl in the world and if she was the most exciting thing in the world, the glow eventually wears off all relationsips and what's left is the day to day stuff. He's too selfish to realize that the day to day stuff is where the real magic is found. It's when the kids climb into bed and everyone is sunggled together on a Sunday morning chatting and being silly. Please tell her that none of this was her fault and that he will be cheating on the next woman as soon as the excitement wears off. Some men are just like that and she is so much better off without him, even though it will take her about a year to feel that way. It will get better. Tell her to get all of the money from thier accounts into her bank account, she can give him an allowance. Get a lawyer now. Infact, tell her to meet with all the good lawyers in town, all of them, so that he can't use them. Put all of their paperwork in a safe deposit box. Tell her to cover her butt and do everything in her power to protect herself and the kids, so that they are taken care of. He may say that he will be fair with the money, but she needs to be in the drivers seat here, not him. If he is this selfish, he will be selfish when it comes to the money too. There is nothing wrong with being hard ass about this stuff and if he doesn't like it, too bad. She doesn't have to be petty, but she does have to be very strong. |
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| kady05 | May 7 2010, 08:19 AM Post #5 |
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Wow, what a jerk! 2 kids.. so sad. Anyway. I've been cheated on by my current BF. It happened like on New Years Even in.. well I guess it'd be 2008. BF & I had been together since '05, and weren't really having any issues that I knew of. He was at a party (and I don't go to parties, so he was by himself) and made out with some girl (who I also knew, nice!). Did I mention that I had just put my kitten to sleep the day after Christmas? It was lovely timing. He came clean the next day and said he thought I was about to break up with him and he didn't know what to do So that was his reason. Stupid, but that's what he said. Seeing as he never had a history of cheating, and I didn't want to throw away almost 3yrs., I decided to deal and stay with him, and we're still together now. Talking about it makes me angry, so that's all I'll say on that topic LOL. Edited by kady05, May 7 2010, 08:20 AM.
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| FlashGordon | May 7 2010, 08:36 AM Post #6 |
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Interesting topic and one I've pondered myself as well. My dad claims he did not cheat on my mom but we all wonder about the validity of that claim. I had a friend approach me in college and tell me my dad was having an affair but I was so angry my friend would even suggest it that I refused to listen to any details including how this friend had gotten such information. My dad and mom were married 25 years. He left her high and dry on his 50th birthday. Quickly married a woman with 4 school aged kids. Moved out of state. Bought a huge house. And a boat. And joined 2 country clubs. And has spent many days/hours trying to figure out how to fill the emptiness that is WITHIN HIMSELF. And I think sometimes that is part of it... people are not happy in their relationships because they are not happy within themselves, and so they go looking for something they think is missing. When really they need to take a look in the mirror and figure out what it is inside them that is not satisfied and WHY. I could never, ever cheat on my husband.... I think about all we've been through together and I can't imagine destroying that with a silly indiscretion. He would absolutely NEVER cheat on me-- I can say that with 100% certainty-- he is the most loyal man and that is a lot of what attracted me to him. |
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| SnackPack | May 7 2010, 08:58 AM Post #7 |
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This. This is kind of silly - but one of my favorites band is my favorite because of how the songwriter feels about his wife/family, among other things. He's in his early 30s but he seems to have that part figured out. He has so many opportunities to cheat and I don't get the feeling from him that he ever would. I don't understand the cheating either. If things are bad enough that your eye is wandering, man up and get out or figure thigns out. I think as LD mentioned that sometimes cheating becomes 'the easy way' to end things instead of dealing with the issues. |
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| Onelanerode | May 7 2010, 10:04 AM Post #8 |
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Off visiting Candy Cave, be right back.
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I think there are a lot of reasons people cheat. Some are looking for a way out of a current bad relationship they aren't brave enough to end honestly. Some are bored with the current relationship and want to add some excitement. Some need ego stroking. Like FG, I am certain my husband wouldn't cheat on me. It is just not in him. I trust him completely on that, and it's one of the things I love best about him. I think far too often we look outward when life sucks and try to find reasons unrelated to ourselves for why it sucks. But so often we are a big part of the problem ... looking to other people (outside the relationship) or other things to fix what's going on just doesn't work. I've often wondered if people just don't think before they cheat ... is the couple of hours of fun worth all the misery that comes later? It's so incredibly rare for an affair to turn into happily ever after, and it never does without a lot of grief and hurt first. It seems like a very self-centered thing to do, IMHO. It is about making you feel better, even fleetingly, without enough care for others who will be hurt because of your actions. Edited by Onelanerode, May 7 2010, 10:05 AM.
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| Buryinghill1 | May 7 2010, 10:09 AM Post #9 |
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Cheating isn't just a man thing. It's an ethical issue. You either have respect for yourself and your partner, or you don't. Period. I can't imagine lying. Selfish. Nowdays your partner could bring home something that could kill you. How's that for disrespect? ("Here's a nice juicy Hep-C kiss, honey!") A dear friend, after many years (27) of low self-esteem, finally kicked out her serial cheater. He's reaaally famous in the horse world. When she tossed him out he sobbed in the driveway, and blamed her girlfriends for telling lies. She promptly got on the phone and said she knew definitely he was still cheating (after years of denying) because - as she said - "your girlfriends will never lie." So I told her if she wanted to know just how bad he had been (makes Tiger, Jesse, and the others look like virgins) I would tell her, but she wisely said it wouldn't do any good. He married a carbon-copy, and lives spitting distance away And of course, has yet to remain faithful. I hope he gets syphyllis and something falls off
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| Won for Me | May 7 2010, 11:11 AM Post #10 |
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Is the meadow on fire?
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I have never been a cheater...I don't have the personality for it. I talk too much and everything comes out. I am also not a big flirt so when I am in a relationship, I don't see other people's gender...I treat everyone the same. This week being single again, I feel like I have to turn the flirt back on and I am rusty...anyway... That being said, I have been attached to "attached" men...One, I was very young and stupid. I thought he really did loff me. The other said he was divorced for years and years. We lived states apart so I had no way to know....Internet searches were not as popular then. Both had a need for women's love and approval. Both were serial cheaters... I think you should get out of the relationship before you get to that point. If you are spending enough time with the opposite sex that it could lead to something naughty...you are not committed to your partner. Don't put yourself in the position that it could be a possibility. |
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| jillincolorado | May 7 2010, 01:07 PM Post #11 |
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You're BANNED!
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BINGO BH!!! Fishy I feel the most sorry for the kids. How unfortunate. Lets raise a glass to Herpes...the gift that keeps on giving. Perhaps your male friend will "adventure" his way right into something her can truly share forever.
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| Fish Cheeks | May 7 2010, 02:46 PM Post #12 |
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This. They used to be our neighbors but he wanted a fancy house to match his fancy job so they bought property in a fancy neighborhood and built their fancy house and they haven't even been there a year and now this. SHE didn't want the house. SHE didn't want to move - she liked it here and felt safe and like she had friends. HE wanted to be able to bike to work so he got what he wanted. Now she's in this neighborhood where her neighbors are assholes and she doesn't have friends who could pop by and help her if she needs it (Mr. Fishy once saved the day and prevented their house from burning down!). They still own the house in our neighborhood so I wonder if she would be interested in moving back here - that would make me happy for sure. I told her last night to get a lawyer and make sure that she takes care of herself because clearly his priority is him, not her, not the kids, not his family. He may say one thing but clearly he will do another. |
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| Fish Cheeks | May 7 2010, 02:50 PM Post #13 |
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This, too. I've always thought with this person (and the husband of another couple that we're friends with) that they are trying to be or pretending to be something they aren't. Like they have this idea of "if only (fill in the blank) then my life will be better" (...or I will like myself or people will respect me or I will be worthy or whatever). He is lost. He's not satisfied with his life but he doesn't know why and he thinks if only he can change the situation around him then he'll be happy. But he needs to change himself. Geez, find a hobby...and sleeping around doesn't count as a hobby!!!!
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| Fish Cheeks | May 7 2010, 02:57 PM Post #14 |
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Oh, yeah, he admitted to her that he had unprotected sex. Nice. FG, I remember that story about your parents - I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what it would be like to be an adult and go through that - you kind of think at that age that you made it through ok. LD, thank you for being honest. I appreciate your perspective. |
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| Little Diva | May 7 2010, 07:17 PM Post #15 |
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I want to clear something up. My cheating had nothing to do with my ex husband and everything to do with me. And this was after he left ME for a 25 year old and then came back when she kicked him out. I don't for a minute feel good about what I did, and I did not lie to him. I told him straight up what I had done and that we were done and that I wanted a divorce, as soon as possible. Did I do it as a "hobby?" NO. Did I do it for fun? NO. Did I do it for revenge? NO. I did it because I WAS NOT HAPPY. I had a beautiful house, an amazing job, two new cars, 4 horses, yet I was still miserable. And I think that is at the heart of all cheaterers -- unhappiness and all of the beautiful houses, good jobs and other trappings don't make you happy. I was at my happiest when I was single, living in an apartment in a small town, with my cat and very few remaining belongings after a bitter and nasty divorce when I lost (or gave away) almost everything. If this makes me someone with no ethics or morals, then I guess that is what I am. I will always be a cheater, and it does not matter what I do because I will have to live with that in my past for the rest of my life. Until you have lived through being cheated on, you can never understand the devastation that it has on your entire being, and maybe that makes me extra lucky -- I have the perspective from both side of the fence. |
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And of course, has yet to remain faithful. I hope he gets syphyllis and something falls off


1:52 AM Jul 11