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What to do for a friend; Mom is terminal
Topic Started: Apr 1 2010, 11:04 AM (306 Views)
MyGiantPony
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Is the meadow on fire?
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A very dear friend of mine's mom was just diagnosed with terminal, untreatable, incurable cancer. They gave her about a year.

I want to be able to help her through this as much as I can.

She's up near Boston - so 8-9 hours away, so it's not like I can just pop in to do laundry or babysit.

I'm planning on going up in July for a long weekend to send her and the family off to the beach and do housework, fill the freezer with casseroles, etc.

I was thinking of sending some blank memory books and disposable cameras so the kids can take pictures and journal over the next year. Or sending a gift certificate for a nanny service so she can have child care when she needs it.

Any other ideas? is this the sort of thing that will help her through this?
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Onelanerode
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Off visiting Candy Cave, be right back.
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I think all of those are great ideas.

Speaking from the perspective of someone who just had a coworker lose his wife not long after her diagnosis, any assistance you can give her in helping her figure out what legal affairs need to be handled would probably be wonderful. I know my coworker spent so much time caring for his wife, and she became very ill so quickly, that there were a lot of "end of life" legal matters that they simply did not have time to take care of. Now coworker is having to sort through everything alone, and it's really tough, financially and otherwise, on him. He got so overwhelmed for a while that he stopped eating, and a few folks in the office started a list and brought him meals so he would have something in the house ready to go.

Hugs to you and your friend. Cancer is such a b!tch. :(
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FlashGordon
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Those are really nice ideas, MGP. The childcare thing is a great one, I'm sure your friend would love to have some options for her kids so she can care for her mom and spend a little one-on-one time with her as needed. Anything that might free up some of her time so that she can focus on her mom will probably be immensely helpful.

My best friend lost her dad to cancer when we were in college. He was such an awesome guy, always positive... I just tried to be there for her whenever she needed, so she knew she had a safe place to vent, cry, talk, laugh even if it was 3am. In the years that have followed, I always check in with her around the anniversary of his passing, and also make a point to let her know she can still talk about him and her residual sadness.

Anyway hugs to all involved, very sad!
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RHowell
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I don't have any brilliant ideas but big hugs to you for being a caring person.
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jillincolorado
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I think the things you are planning are great. Just knowing that you are there for her is the most important thing!!!
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Kikki
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I'm so sorry. I hope that she is relatively healthy for the time being and will have many good days to come. And hopefully they are dealing with the gorey parts of dying now with advanced directives, funeral plans, tying up loose legal ends, etc. Its not easy at all to think about or deal with as it makes the realities all too real but it will make the passing so much easier on everyone. She and her mom should learn all about hospice (and which in the area are better than others), nursing care, sitters, home health, everything. All of this should be decided on before hand because when you need special services it hits you very quickly and you are scrambling to try to figure out things on the fly. Making all these decisions early and being very proactive actually is oddly comforting.

As for what you can do, I'd just be there. Lots of phone calls and make yourself available to listen to her cry, bitch, ramble, anything. But calls where you two just laugh and have a good time are so healing. As time passes and things develop, needs will be more evident.
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DairyQueen2049
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DRAGON BREATH. DRAGGIN' BUTT
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RHowell
Apr 1 2010, 12:45 PM
I don't have any brilliant ideas but big hugs to you for being a caring person.
+1

Give her family a camera that does stills and movies and make the most of it.
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Buryinghill1
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All wonderful ideas offered here.
I work on a Hematology/Oncolgy unit, so we see ups and downs daily. We spend months, and years with our patients. Just being a friend is the best medicine of all. A card, a call, a text, an email. Photos, anything personal.
:hug:

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incentive
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Great suggestions! Please encourage her to take care of legal/medical matters that can be dealt with now. It will make things easier later on. Hospice is a great benefit also. She's very lucky to have you for a friend. :rose:
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