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| Friday Funnies; For giggles | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Mar 14 2008, 12:48 PM (105 Views) | |
| DairyQueen2049 | Mar 14 2008, 12:48 PM Post #1 |
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DRAGON BREATH. DRAGGIN' BUTT
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You are not stuck where you are unless you decide to be. - Dr. Wayne Dyer There is no happiness in having or in getting, but only in giving. - Henry Drummond Generosity lies less in giving much than in giving at the right moment. - Jean de la Bruyere A happy person is not a person in a certian set of circumstances but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes. - Hugh Downs "Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well armed lamb contesting the vote." - Benjamin Franklin You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bubba went to a psychiatrist. 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.' 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.' 'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.' 'I'll sleep on it,' said Bubba. Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' asked the psychiatrist. 'Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!' 'Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?' 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!' ========================================= One winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I thought about making a fitness movie, for old folks, and call it "Pumping Rust." ########################### Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. 'What's in the bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.' The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade....' ====================================== I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed." <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers. ====================================== Medical news: Bet you didn't know this: Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving People a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat? Just once I want to say "No, it's for company." *************************************************** A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life." So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. "What"s wrong?" he asks. "You gave me the wrong key!" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ How to tell if you're a high Tech Redneck You take your net connected cell phone to the outhouse to read your email. Your email address ends in ".over.yonder.com." Your computer is worth more than all of your cars combined. You ever refer to your computer as "Old Bessie." You start all of your emails with the word "Howdy." You can fix a trolling motor with a set of PC tools. You've ever used a CD-Rom as a coaster to sit your beer can on. Your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite tractor. You think re-booting is getting new soles on your boots. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, "So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days". Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive... ' The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...." MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with us. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ STUDENTS AT A LOCAL SCHOOL WERE ASSIGNED TO READ TWO BOOKS, 'TITANIC' & 'MY LIFE' BY BILL CLINTON. ONE STUDENT TURNED IN THE FOLLOWING BOOK REPORT, WITH THE PROPOSITION THAT THEY WERE NEARLY IDENTICAL STORIES! TITANIC:..... COST - $29.99 CLINTON:..... COST - $29.99 TITANIC:..... OVER 3 HOURS TO READ CLINTON :..... OVER 3 HOURS TO READ TITANIC:..... THE STORY OF JACK AND ROSE, THEIR FORBIDDEN LOVE, AND SUBSEQUENT CATASTROPHE. CLINTON:..... THE STORY OF BILL AND MONICA, THEIR FORBIDDEN LOVE, AND SUBSEQUENT CATASTROPHE. TITANIC:..... JACK IS A STARVING ARTIST. CLINTON :..... BILL IS A BULLSH*T ARTIST. TITANIC:..... IN ONE SCENE, JACK ENJOYS A GOOD CIGAR. CLINTON:..... DITTO FOR BILL. TITANIC:..... DURING THE ORDEAL, ROSE'S DRESS GETS RUINED. CLINTON:..... DITTO FOR MONICA. TITANIC:..... JACK TEACHES ROSE TO SPIT. CLINTON:..... LET'S NOT GO THERE. TITANIC:..... ROSE GETS TO KEEP HER JEWELRY. CLINTON:.... MONICA'S FORCED TO RETURN HER GIFTS. TITANIC:..... ROSE REMEMBERS JACK FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE. CLINTON:..... CLINTON DOESN'T REMEMBER JACK. TITANIC:..... ROSE GOES DOWN ON A VESSEL FULL OF SEAMEN. CLINTON:..... MONICA...OOH, LET'S NOT GO THERE, EITHER. TITAN IC:..... JACK SURRENDERS TO AN ICY DEATH. CLINTON:..... BILL GOES HOME TO HILARY - BASICALLY THE SAME THING. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. He first grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. I'm sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running all around the bar again. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and then eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks. "No what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first." +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Kids are funny....... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-8Ihsccknw http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a189xAYBRv8 |
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| bronson | Mar 14 2008, 06:20 PM Post #2 |
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Off visiting Candy Cave, be right back.
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:lol:
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| Fenway | Mar 15 2008, 05:33 AM Post #3 |
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Guiding your way to Candy Mountain, since 1873.
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Holy cow, that's a lot to read!! Each time I finished a joke, there was another behind it!! :lol: |
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| Sannois | Mar 15 2008, 06:12 AM Post #4 |
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You're BANNED!
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I liked the litterbox one the best! thats a great line! :lol: |
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12:28 PM Jul 11