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| Should I just be happy?; Really need some TOC advice! | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Mar 2 2008, 05:02 AM (1,474 Views) | |
| mareseatoats | Mar 4 2008, 05:30 AM Post #31 |
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Thomas H. Cruise!
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Sannois, you already know where you both stand in your relationship. Co-existing and barely tolerating each other. Go re-apply for the old job you loved. The worst that can happen is they say no. Then at least you know where you stand there. But if you get the old job back, you can pay someone to do some of the heavy lifting around your house, and free youself to start preparing for the big changes to come. Hopefully some day the snow will melt and spring will be here again. Boy do I know how you feel there... |
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| 3Bays | Mar 4 2008, 07:06 AM Post #32 |
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You're BANNED!
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FWIW, Maresy has a very good suggestion! It's a great step "forward" for you and may help your confidence as well as be supportive in a practical sense!
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| LostFarmer | Mar 4 2008, 08:49 AM Post #33 |
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Magical Leopluridon
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I can't say that I feel your pain as I have never been around that type of relationship. I can say that a good relationship is a huge effort on both sides. I am a firm believer that any 2 people that both want to make a relationship work can. And be very happy in the process. Work is the key. My wifes sisters have been through several hubbys each. Th one that is on husband 3 told my wife that she is lucky. My wife responded with we generally make our luck through effort. That is not always the case but in general hard work WITH the spouse can make both parties feel lucky. A wise man once told me when I was 16 the following. I can be happy, I can be sad, I can be good, I can be bad, for it's completely up to me I am my self fulfilling prophecy. I am not sure if he was the author or exactly where that came from but it has been something that I live by. You can't wait others make you happy or allow them to make you unhappy. Off the soap box and back to my corner. LF |
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| Won for Me | Mar 4 2008, 10:35 AM Post #34 |
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Is the meadow on fire?
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Here is my oh so eloquent advice: "Inch by inch, it's a cinch. Yard by yard, it's kind of hard." Make a list of what you want and the steps it will take to get there. Break it out into tiny details. Accomplish the tiny details and before you know it, life will look a little different. The light is there at the end of the tunnel, but you have to go towards it. |
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| Sannois | Mar 4 2008, 02:20 PM Post #35 |
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You're BANNED!
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MORE HEARTFELT THANKS TO YOU ALL. I think you are right Lost Farmer, however both parties have to want to work it out. Mine does not seem to think there is ever anything to talk about. Won, thanks for that. This week I am going back to apply for my old job, even if I can get my foot back in the door part time it will be a start. |
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| stephjm | Mar 4 2008, 05:30 PM Post #36 |
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It'll be an adventure! We're going on an adventure!
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That's a great idea, to apply for your old job. The awful manager is gone, and even working part-time will get you out of the house and able to be around other people. It will give you your "own thing" again. Good luck and keep us posted! |
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| gunnar | Mar 4 2008, 06:14 PM Post #37 |
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You're BANNED!
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Kim, after reading all the posts I do not understand what there is that makes you want to stay in this relationship for? It appears you are independent and ok with being alone. I need to know why you appear to be so hesitant to end it all. If there was never a good relationship what are you holding on to? If it was a marriage of convenience then end it now that it is no longer convenient? Come on and think about it. Sorry to be so harsh but your words echo in my mind and I believe you need to find a permanent solution?! Please, please call a Lawyer. Who cares if he knows them? You will be entitled to some kind if payments for the years, at least from the home you both own. Did you buy it together? If not that may be a problem. But at least find out what your options are. Many years ago I considered the big D! I called a Lawyer and met with them. I found out my options. Do that at least!! I love you and am tired of hearing out unhappy you are. Definitely apply for that job but also see a lawyer and work it out!
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| stephjm | Mar 5 2008, 06:44 AM Post #38 |
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It'll be an adventure! We're going on an adventure!
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I think also if you are going to make up your mind to leave, talk to a lawyer first and find out your options so you can make an informed decision. And remember, even if he knows them "all," (and I'm sure you could find one he doesn't know), they cannot talk to him about you because of attorney-client privilege. They technically can't even tell him that you are a client. So don't let that stop you. |
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| 3Bays | Mar 5 2008, 06:55 AM Post #39 |
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You're BANNED!
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Stephjm is RIGHT...the attorney CANNOT say why you came to see him/her or what the details were...Knowledge is power, girl. Forewarned is forearmed. So enough with the platitudes and go see! Look, JUST because you go and discuss questions and options with an attorney does NOT mean you have to DO anything further...but at least it will clear up questions and give you some idea of reality should you need to leave. And, yes, you should ask yourself WHY are you staying? I mean this from both the good and the bad points...what is GOOD and that's why to stay, and what is BAD and that is why to go. Don't worry what "others" think! I made some very bad decisions when I was younger because I was SO worried about what "others" would think! And, where are they now? Long gone from my life and they had no control or true effect even at the time ANYWAY... You live your life, not other people. Whether your decision is to stay or go, it is YOUR life...when you awaken at 3 am and it's pitch dark and you are just there yourself in the night, are you happy or unhappy? When it's just YOU then, what do YOU need and want? What do YOU think is good or bad for YOU in this marriage? What do YOU assess is the potential for positive outcome? I applaud your idea to go back to work part-time...that's good for you in so many ways! But, it is not a true solution...even just waiting things out a bit to see if it might work out on its own is a decision...be careful of one thing: don't spend too long thinking, "Well, if I JUST do this, or I JUST say that, maybe it'll all smooth out"...co-dependency is not a balance in a relationship and your hubby is making it clear he is NOT interested in working things out. Stagnation is only a slow death of a marriage...and he's got his heels dug in. From your descriptions earlier in this thread, it doesn't seem like there's much to harken back to and re-ignite...but only you and he truly know if this is so or not. Just don't let your life march on tooooo long and then be in even a worse situation. Do consider just visiting a lawyer and finding out the answers to your practical "what if?" questions. It may help you decide! The NOT knowing is keeping you in just a gray area of floating along to nowhere. Many marriages comes to these crisis points...at some point, you have to choose from that fork in the road...be aware and knowledgeable of both sides of that point of choice. You're doing great! You're seriously thinking it all through, listening to a ton of opinions and experiences here, and moving along to get a part-time job...see??? STEPS FORWARD! Hang in there, my sweet Sannnnnyyy-Wahhhhh! Growth is bumpy, but you'll feel MUCH better a bit later on, no matter your final fork in the road choice! HUGS! |
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| 2bayboys | Mar 5 2008, 06:57 AM Post #40 |
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Not as bad as you think I am.
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Sanny I don't know you but I do feel for you and I know how very hard it is to feel *stuck* in a relationship that seems hopeless. And I know how impossible it seems to leave that financial security, and your subject line really hit me because how many times have I said to myself "why can't I just be happy?" Good luck with whatever you decide and let us know how you are doing. |
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| Sannois | Mar 5 2008, 05:17 PM Post #41 |
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You're BANNED!
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Yes I know I am annoying as all hell with this, alot of you Steph included are probably thinking GET DIVORCED already. There are so many variables. I wish He would be different and get help, or try and talk. I will tell you I am seeing how badly his business has affected him, he HATES it, successful or not, its a miserable thankless job dealing with alot of people who are total idiots and one can never please anyone. He is not the same person I met. HEs beaten down from this job. Hes kept it up and worked hard for this house. When hes an ass I hate him, cant stand being around him. when hes nice and decent its fine. It just seems that there are alot more times that he is not decent. I am quite sure I have alot to do with it. After reding all this I realized that not one of you said hey Sanny, ever think part of the problem is you?? Well I know it is, in my heart of hearts. There is nothing stopping me from doing anything I want, getting another horse, or a job, or travelling. So is it time to look inward?Would leaving him make my problems any better?? My problems and personal glitches would follow right along. Right?
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| gunnar | Mar 5 2008, 05:29 PM Post #42 |
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You're BANNED!
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Oh Please Kim! I do not want you to get divorced! I have been in your spot. Really, really I have. Mr. g. was so unhappy in his career/job! I can only remember the bad times that we had due to his bad mood! I should have left but I did not! Mr. G lost that $$$ paying job 4 1/2 years ago and we have never looked back. Close friends wonder how I can cope with Mr. G not working and contributing towards the family (no kids!) but my life has changed since then! Of couse, unlike you I still sell my soul to the company store each day, in fact today is day 17 in a row! Also unlike you I have 27 year invested in this marriage so it is a little easier to make sacrifices. Please, please do not give up on yourself! Do not take my words as being mean! I only care about you and know that there is a better place for you! Maybe it is with him but most likely it is not!! I just want you to be happy! He will not change unless he totally gives up that $$$ career. Hugs to you my friend! Do not be mad at me as every thing I write is from my heart! Remember we are all here for you in the end. Wait until rolex when I can personally kick your butt!! :lol: ![]() PS I voted for her too!!
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| Sannois | Mar 5 2008, 05:37 PM Post #43 |
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You're BANNED!
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I dont think your mean! I love you too. I cant wait till you can kick my Butt at Rolex. LOL Thanks for being a friend. I just meant that on paper many might think I am just a whiner. Sometimes I feel like I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up!
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| gunnar | Mar 5 2008, 05:50 PM Post #44 |
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You're BANNED!
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Kim, you are a grown up! Hence you problems. If you were in your 20s you would know what to do!!. Chin up my friend! I cannot wait until we can meet! Our 50 years old fat bodies will match!! But I am still waiting on you to go see that Lawyer at least! What harm can it do?
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| Black Tack | Mar 5 2008, 07:41 PM Post #45 |
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You're BANNED!
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Hey Kim, Just sending along my hugs and hopes that you can figure this out. I can only imagine how difficult it is to pick out which path is going to be the best for you. I can't imagine living with that much unhappiness though. Would you consider going to a Social Worker or counsellor of some sort. Sometimes they can help you look inward to understand the choices you are making (or not making). I went to one about 15 years ago and found it to be really helpfull. Good luck and know that we are right there with you
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Well I know it is, in my heart of hearts. There is nothing stopping me from doing anything I want, getting another horse, or a job, or travelling. So is it time to look inward?


12:33 PM Jul 11