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Should I just be happy?; Really need some TOC advice!
Topic Started: Mar 2 2008, 05:02 AM (1,475 Views)
pony4me
We're on a bridge, Chaaaaaaaaarlie!
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As you and your spouse grow older, different aspects of the relationship become more important. I believe that a relationship between people "of a certain age" needs to based on affection and tolerance. We ain't got the good looks anymore, and the guys are lousy in bed. We're at the barn. They're home eating, sleeping and messing up the house. Whatever attracted you to each other is probably a long-ago memory. It's tough to go back in time, and recall the good things, but perhaps a trip down memory lane would help you. If you don't think you can make it work, get out.
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ElonGrad1997
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Magical Leopluridon
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I'm too inexperienced to give real good, honest advice. But from the sounds of it, this dilemma is weighing you down, and if you think divorce is the way to go, maybe try a trial separation for a while? Have you tried therapy together? I think you know the answer in your heart, and you should do what your heart is telling you to do. I know a lot of people who have been down this road, and they're happier now that they've separated. It won't be easy, but from the sound of it, it isn't easy now.

I wish you all of the happiness in the world, and hope you can find peace with yourself soon. Hppy early birthday too! :hug:
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naters
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It'll be an adventure! We're going on an adventure!
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OH my gosh, I am really hurting for you.

I also don't have a ton of advice to give, and am struggling with some of the same issues, but I really hope that you can sit down and figure out what you want to do..... it doesn't sound like you are getting what anyone needs out of a marraige.....
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Fish Cheeks
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You're BANNED!
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I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time. I remember you talking about this before and it doesn't sound like anything has gotten better.

I agree with the others who suggest to get your finances in order.

Do you have a bank account of your own? If not, time to start one. Start putting away money now, even if you're not ready to make a decision yet.

Do you own a house? What is it's value? What do you owe on it? If you get divorced, you can sell the house and split the money, then you'll have a cushion to get started with.

Do you work? Do you do any volunteer work? If not, maybe it is time to start looking and to take some classes or volunteer so you can make some contacts.

I took the divorce plunge from my ex in 2003. It took me YEARS to work up the courage to leave him. YEARS. He would not go to counseling with me. I tried to muddle through, but was miserable. The day I told him I was leaving was one of the happiest days of my life. It was hard, I struggled for a little while. But I met Mr. Fishy and have a love and a life that I could have only dreamed about in the past.

You can do it. We are behind you.

Hugs and jingles.
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Brydelle Farm
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Off visiting Candy Cave, be right back.
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Fishy has some great suggestions about getting your affairs/finances in order, so that if u want out, you can do it.

Other than repeating her comments, I have no advice but to say, hugs, hugs, hugs to you!!!!!
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DairyQueen2049
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DRAGON BREATH. DRAGGIN' BUTT
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The only thing I can add Sanny is that once you do decide (and doing nothing and hanging there IS a decision you made too, btw!!) to take the plunge you will experience fear, and joy. There will be a weight lifted.

You already know what makes you UNHAPPY - how about giving yourself the chance, making the decision, to make yourself HAPPY.

Yep, it'll be scarey. Money issues. Oh yes, they will be there.

But you will learn to rely on yourself and your self esteem will soar. right now, with your current decision of inertia no wonder you are not happy - you have not decided, have not given yourself permission to be.

Things that do not kill us make us strong, Scarlett O'Hara - hunger will make your will strong. Money worries will make your decision processes have fire and passion.

:hug: :hug: I have been in your shoes - please take on chance on some new ones. :hug: :hug:
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MissBri
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But, I don't care - it's 5:00 somewhere
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AH Sanny honey!

YOU are the master of your destiny.........take charge.

Start a nursing course now. Find out what needs to be done for YOU.

50 is not old - but old enough to know that you are nott happy.

Leaving is very scary - especially BEFORE you take that first step.

BUT - oh my Tom in heaven - the new life is just that - a new life - something you can star in!

SO my dear SannyWah - time to go honey - strap on those boots, look your self in the eye - and decide that YOU ARE GOING TO BE HAPPY DAMMIT!

Good luck, keep close to us, but be true to yourself. LIVE YOUR LIFE, don't just let it happen.

Time to join the parade instead of just watching it pass by..


We love you and care about you - but we can't make decisions for you.

In my own case - it took me a long time to realize that I couldn't help this person and that he was draining all life, happiness, friendships, and finances from me. But, I finally found the courage (and yes you will need a bit of backbone) to eliminate him from my life, and it was scary and messy and just downright not nice - but dammit girl - the first week he was finally gone, I felt like the sun was shining just for me - and you know what? it was. Cause I had decided to take back my life and my destiny. I did it last year, at 50.

Come on Kim - take back your life and make of it what YOU WILL....
LOVE yourself enough to be happy
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buryinghill2
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It'll be an adventure! We're going on an adventure!
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I would highly recommend something in healthcare for a career. You can get a two year degree and find a well paying and secure job with that. There are several programs that will pay for your education for a two year commitment at the teaching hospital that you attend. Many teaching hospitals offer this for RN and RT programs.
Plus, the three 12 hour shift schedule rocks! :lol:
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jetjocky
Shunnnnn the unbeliever. Shunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
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Lots of good advice here. But...the decision is up to you. It's a tough one, but get the numbers together and do some research into a healthcare career and see where that leads. You deserve to be happy and you only have one life in which to be happy, so now's the time. :yes:
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Bearhunter
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Magical Leopluridon
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Change is scary. As we age, many of us will do whatever we can to prevent it from happening. I am sure this is terrifying for you Sanny. However I do believe that it sounds like things will not get better. It may or may not get worse. But if it hasn't gotten better by now, chances are it won't.

You have choice. A choice to move on with you life and start living again or not. You DO deserve it.

:hug: :hug:
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macmtn
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Owned by an Arabian ghost
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:jingles: Ok-sounds like survival time here. I thought I heard a vague threat in his attitude....I may be mistaken. Could he become a danger? You will do in the end what is right for you. Know we all are pulling for you-and will be here when you need those shoulders to lean on. Divorce-sucks. Useless men-suck. The pain will stop when you quit picking that scab..and let the wound heal. Been there ...done that...bought the Tshirt.
I do have to add----
THERE ARE A A HELL OF A LOT OF STRONG WOMEN HERE!!! I bow deeply to each and every one of you. :rose:

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snaffle
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Is the meadow on fire?
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I agree with the others that it's time to make a concrete plan about how you could make it on your own. Definitely talk to a lawyer to find out what your rights would be in a divorce. Life is too darn short to be that unhappy. I know change can be really scary, but it can be incredibly liberating and empowering too.

Once you've got the finances figured out, perhaps you could have a realistic conversation with your husband about ending your marriage...not a fight, but a conversation. Have you two ever had a serious conversation about it? How did it go?
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Lawndart
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Slave to Horses, Beagles, and Kids
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No marital advice from me, I've been married too long to the same guy to give advice on marriage vs divorce.

But, it sounds to me like you are depressed, and in a rut. Not sure which came first, but the best free cure for both is exercise. This time of year is tough, cold, grey, no where to walk. Go to a mall (leave your money at home) and walk. Slow or fast, window shopping, or power walking. Anything will help.

Then join something. Big sisters. A soup kitchen. Free clinic. Or best yet, a trail riding group. Truman likes to trail ride, right? Not everyone in a group owns a trailer, they buddy up, usually paying for the fuel in return for a ride to a trailhead. A lot of the groups do overnights, sometimes all weekend. Some also hold fun shows, or work nights. All great ways to meet like minded people (and I don't mean other men). Perhaps DQ can point you to one in your area.

You don't have to make a earth shattering decision today. But you must start doing something different, or you won't get out of this downward spiral. We have 'known' each other for a lot of years thru the boards, and I know you have been fighting this for a long time. Take baby steps, but take a step forward. :yes:
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Ride'emCO
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Off visiting Candy Cave, be right back.
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buryinghill2
Mar 2 2008, 07:56 AM
Get out of it. Life is too short. 'Nuff said.

Second that.

You are a smart, capable woman. You'll find your independence quickly, I am sure. Make a plan (financial, schedule, etc...) and stick with it. There is NO REASON that a woman in this day and age should live with a man just because she's scared of living without one. You can be on your own, and be happy. :yes:
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Sannois
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You're BANNED!
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Wow you guys, its incredible how a group of strangers can be so supportive! You are all wonderful, and it helps alot to hear all the ideas.
First off I want to make it clear in case I haven't. I am not afraid to be alone, in fact I am a real loner, I Love the fact that he is gone every weekend, He never stays home.
I have always loved living alone. I enjoy people one on one. But I like my space and my time.
So being afraid to be alone is not the problem.
I think the truth is I would rather be alone than to be with someone I dont share life with.
I have said before he can be nice, as long as everything is light and airy. I dont rock the boat, I agree or just shut up. which most times now I have learned to not make comments. Why so I can listen to a screaming fit?? I admit I used to try and try, But I have learned its pointless.
We have discussed Divorce many times, He has told me at those times he wants it over. I had told him at one point I wanted 100 grand, and I would be gone, He said he would give me 50 with a note for the rest when he sold the house. The house is also in my name. Sad to say last fall he refinanced it instead of paying off the 40 grand that was left. he makes alot of money in his business. When I have said before I was going to get a Lwayer he said why, They aren't going to do anything different except take your money I will give you whatever you want.
Besides he knows every lawyer around and works for some of the best. I just never acted on it. Things would quiet down and I would go about like all was good. I like my house, and my land etc. I can spend hours tinkering in the yard and garden.
I had a great job in the medical field for 10 years, I quit almost 2 years ago cause of a horrid new manager who was cleaning house in our dept and put me through hell. It was a dumb move, but she eventually was fired, everyone hated her. but I had started working for him, and get a pay check. The field I was in has alot of travelling opportunities, alot of hospitals hire Travellers theres a company that sends you to different states etc and pays your living expenses to fill the positions. I knew a few folks at one hospital that did it. Not sure if I am brave enough to do that, besides I dont want to give up my horse.
I know ultimatly it is my decision. I also wonder if it isn't as much me as him. I know we were never meant for each other. I have taken my toll on him as well. ITs always a 2 way street.
I do want to try and get my job back. I know they have a great manager there now, and everyone loves him. I never went back in last fall to apply, too chicken to be rejected, Yeah I know how dumb is that. I am going to visit my old co worker from there this morning, shes layed up for a bit, I will feel out what the status is there.
The sad thing is, I LOVED that job and the people, all except the miserable manager.
I am in a rut. And I have to drag myself out of it. You are all right, because nothing will change until I make some sort of move.
LAwn Dart, thanks for that, you are right about the exercise, And man I miss riding.
I could not even ride now , heck you can hardly walk anywhere, we got a ton of rain and all the the snow that has been walked on his like a skating rink.
Another point, We were neever in love, When I met him in 1990 he was a different person. We had a blast together. in 1992 when he had his accident I had planned to leave him after the weekend of his accident, And being the nice person I was, I did not. He once told me that originally he was going to stop seeing me after the first week. So strange. Now there is so much bitterness and anger and really lack of feeling that neither of us cares. I feel like his slave. I do all the work in the house all the yard work, all the snow removal.
Hell I was bailing out the sump from the washer drain last week. Cause the pump stopped working. He makes a joke of it, I tell him he should never admit to all the things I do to his friends it will make you look like a schmuck, Hmmm Maybe I am the schmuck.
He says he makes all the money, Yeah he does, and this is the price I pay for not having to worry about where my next dollar is coming from. :pissed: :lonely:
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