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Should I just be happy?; Really need some TOC advice!
Topic Started: Mar 2 2008, 05:02 AM (1,473 Views)
Sannois
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I have been putting off posting this cause I feel like such a whiner. Maybe part of it is cause I wil be 50 in 16 days, sure thats not helping. but I have felt this way for some time.
As many of you know I have been married to a man that is far from my soulmate, In fact sometimes I hate him. truth be told. I have stayed in this marriage cause ITs been so long since I was on my own and independant. There is nothing that I want for, I have a cute house, My horse, can pretty much buy whatever I want and do what I want. The thing is, we are so totally not even remotely connected. He likes none of the things I do. He is an angry person, yes even though he has mellowed thanks to the better living through chemistry. I dont like being around him. He can be nice, But he is also impossible to talk to, it would take forever to try and give examples. There is no conversations on why he acts the way he does, or what he feels, Most times if I try to figure out why hes mad he tells me to leave him the F alone.
When hes not around I love it. But so many times I imagine not being here. The rub is, I dont think I can make it alone anymore. Lost my independance. The word Divorce has been thrown around so many times ITs funny,If I say I want out he says get the F out. That has not happened for a while. We just go along day to day, I am pretty sure he just forgets anything that has been said. And I just exist. He had grand plans to do more improvements on this place last fall, I cant even get excited about any of that, first off, cause I dont think spending all that money is necessary, other than a few things, I am happy with the place. I have said I could live in a trailer if I was happy, no matter how nice the home is it does not improve a relationship.
I know its my move, I have moments where I think, Well I should just make the best of it.
Some people have it far worse. I dont need someone, but I often wonder if having a person who loved what I do and was more sensative would be nice.
I am rambling. Then I look in the Mirror. I ain't young anymore, and while I was never gorgeous, I was attractive. And OMT when did I start looking old. You know the mind thinks you are still young until you take a good hard look in the mirror.
I have nothing to show for my life, no kids, no great accomplishments. I have always been a fairly simple person, I really enjoy and appreciate the simple life.
There are times when his mere pressence makes me want to just scream. I dont like him.
But what am I doing about it? Rolling it all around in my head, and basically living from day to day. Not brave enough to take the steps it takes to leave, or maybe fearing that if I do, life could be alot worse. Sometimes I stop and think, 50? wow how many more years do I have?
And the part that scares me is sometimes I dont really care! Some words of wisdom from my friends is much needed. Oh and BTW You are about my only friends. :unsure:
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railmom
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Big birthdays have a way of making you take stock, don't they? :hug: Even the best of marriages are hard work. I guess you really need to decide if you can make it on your own. Divorce is a really big and expensive step. :sigh: You know we are all here to support you whatever your decision. :hug:
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MayaTy02
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I can't advise you either way, though I can offer :hug:

I do think that 50 is young and you have lots of years left to be happy...and unhappy. I wouldn't be able to stay with someone like that for the rest of my life. You only get one life, I believe you shoudl enjoy it to the fullest that you can... :hug:
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buryinghill2
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It'll be an adventure! We're going on an adventure!
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Get out of it. Life is too short. 'Nuff said.
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Melliebay
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As scary as it is to get out, I think you would be SO much happier. You deserve to be happy for the next 50 years!!!! Would your hubby consider counseling, or are you too far past that to consider it? I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, but you are right, we are all here for you! :hug:
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3Bays
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Oh, Sannois, may I give you a huge :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: ?

I am unsure your 50th truly has much to do with your mindset except that the "big" birthdays are just signposts we notice on the road of life, and this signpost is letting you know how long you've been on the road, and that you've been unhappy now for quite a period of that time on the road.

While I understand that some of your husband's problems were made better by "living through chemistry" and that in those areas it's not his fault to have needed help and he has apparently stepped up to the plate to help himself by seeing a doc and getting this medication, he seems to have dropped the ball in some other crucial aspects.

From your description here, he's still very much in a "closed down" psychological state since all he tends to do is tell you to F off or go the F away or just not talk. All systems are not "go" here. When someone just shuts you out, it's dern hard to care much after a while, and it makes you very lonely. He's (for whatever reasons) operating in a passive-aggressive manner...unfortunately, the problem with being the recipient of passive-aggressive behavior is that you rarely can solve anything...people use passive-aggressive because it works...it shuts down communication and shuts out the other person. In time, there is no relationship at all if it goes on long enough.

You didn't say, but I'm sure you've probably suggested counseling (that you both attend?)...if he has refused this, perhaps you can go for some individual counseling? If NOTHING else, a third party might help you organize your feelings and thoughts and step through some internal concerns YOU have, ie, that you feel like you've lost your independence.

Divorce at midlife is a big deal (well it is at any age, but the older you are the stakes increase)...but many gals are divorced at this age and make it just fine. I suspect part of why you feel "loss of independence" is mostly due to the fact you feel so beat down inside due to the continuous battle in the marriage. As for "practical" reasons to worry about independence (ie, money, job, long range thoughts of "being alone") perhaps a counselor can help you sort those issues out and help give you practical steps to take and things to investigate for yourself on that should you make the decision to go.

If you are where you can't find a decent counselor, then see if you can't find some good books on the subject, get a notebook and make notes, do the work of organizing your thoughts, etc, privately. There are some good sites online in regards to starting over in mid-life for women and they can give you ideas, food for thought, etc.

If you feel you've got a chance to re-ignite things with him, then wait a bit more and see if he'll open up. I don't know exactly how long you've been married...was there any time you truly felt was good between you? Can you think back and figure out what was working then?

All this being said: yeah, you're turning 50. BIG DEAL...anymore? That is NOT 'old'...I turned 55 last summer and though the number looked impossible to me and I just DO NOT "feel 55" at all inside me, I know I'm 55. But, it's just a number!

Here's what woke me up: as you know, I have a nasty, chonic disease. I was told I'd be lucky to live to 50. Having never had a birthday party in my life, I had one on my 50th, you can bet! Though I've had some really tough times since then, imagine my surprise last summer when I hit the double-nickel! IN that 5 years, I lost...count them...19 friends/colleagues from my past career to death! Yes...some were younger than me, some only slightly older than me. I'll tell you, I was SO surprised to be 55 and alive and they were gone!

What did that mean? It meant to me (which I FINALLY GOT on my 55th birthday) that life is to be lived every day...NO ONE knows how long they have. If you have been very miserable for a number of years and it is weighing you down and causing pain in your soul, you'll "age" very quickly, maybe even die relatively young. Certain kinds of pain are fairly deadly. If you come to the point where you have done all you absolutely can and the marriage is not going to improve and be a healthy part of your life, getting out may actually make you feel better, younger and help you live longer in a healthier manner. So, you're 50 now...what if you actually left and became totally independent by 51? Say it helps you, makes you happier, healthier? You could live another 30+ years...happily! Eighty is not old for women these days...average age for a female lifespan is 86...and 86 is a long way from where you are now.

I have always been of the mindset that it is better to be happy alone than miserable and tied. If you feel "finished" with this situation and want out of the pain and can figure out in a practical sense how to get out and set yourself up, you may open doors, have energies you don't even realize you have inside you right now and be MUCH happier...even alone! Being single has its good points also...a major one is that you can make decisions for your own happieness and have the freedom to try to do them.

Alllll of this diatribe aside, I will be married for 29 years this coming summer, and I've known my husband for 31 years total. We've had some long years in there where things were NOT good, and for a certain period, I was truly thinking of leaving and went through the same thoughts and decisions I mentioned above. I know he had a time he thought about it also. For whatever reasons, we did not do that and we stuck through it and at least at this point we're quite happy together overall. It's not perfect, but no relationship is perfect. At this point, I'm glad, in my life, that I stayed with him. But,that doesn't mean that sticking in a marriage is ALWAYS the right choice! I do, sometimes, wonder what my life would have been like had I left...but it's the road not taken. At least for me, so far, that is not my road. But I have had friends who have left in mid-life and essentially been better off for it, so I can see both sides of the coin.

The important thing is to take your time, truly think it through, try to get your mind and emotions organized and focused, get counseling if you can do so, figure out the financial aspects, even go talk to a lawyer (on your own) to know what the realities might be (which may help you decide things)...never just "jump" out of a marriage...take it step by step because it's a huge thing to do. But, it CAN be a life-saving step which may help you be happier (and perhaps even live longer).

I wish you the very best in this. You know you can talk to us here anytime! (Sorry for the novel length post, gang)
:jingles: :hug: :rose: :yes: :jingles:
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stephjm
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Sannois, you know I will support you and be your friend no matter what you decide!! I know both of you, and though my "relationships" with both of you are based on very different things, I can see how you two are definitely not soulmates. But in the end, YOU have to decide what you want to do. Yes divorce is expensive and can get messy, but on the other hand, do you want to keep living your life unhappy??? 50 is NOT that old, you have many more years to be happy, whether you stay or go!!

In any case, :hug: :hug:. If you want to go, I know you can make it on your own if that will make you happier! You've done it before, and you can do it again if necessary.

And of course, I think I speak for all your TOC friends when I say you can whine, vent, yell, cry, laugh, whatever you need to do with us here and feel safe doing it! :)
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gunnar
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Oh Kim, you are breaking my heart! Please, please consider a change! I know you feel all alone but if you were truly alone you would be in better shape. Do your best to see what the $$$ and cents of the deal would be?? Could you make it on your own? What will you get out of taking the action of changing your life? You live a simple life and most likely you can do that on your own. You may have to get a job outside but isn't that better than being so unhappy?

I have parents who pretty much hate each other. They have been married for 50 some years but at this point it is too late. My Mother would beg you to make yourself happy and get a divorce. She tried many years ago when they separated but it was never official so now they are back together! My Father is in bad health but he has a pension so Mother is stuck! My Father can be a pain but I always say:

"Mother you married him, not me!"

I know it is oh so scary and I cannot imagine being on my own. I have considered Divorce a few times in my almost 27 year marriage but now I am happy that it never happened. Mr. G and I have reconciled most of our differences and get along pretty well. But to be honest we are more like room mates sometimes. Truly we are grand friends which is not so bad. When Mr. G had a high end job he was not a nice person! In the 4 and 1/2 years since he is mostly retired he is completely a different guy!! :one: :hug:
I have to go as I am at work and need to be working. My life is sad because of my job and how it rules my life. I too need to consider a change but only in my job not my relationship!

Know that I am here for you to lean on!! :hug:

Take good care my friend! :hug: :jingles:
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Sannois
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Boy you guys are so wonderful. And you have no idea how much it helps to have rational ideas and other points of view.
3 bays, you make some very true points. And while I can just imagine most of your surprise when I say we were NEVER in love. It was a marriage of convience. I did something for him, out of the goodness of my heart, When I should have cut the ties and walked away while I still had my independance. But that was over 10 years ago. We were friends once, that I fear is long gone.
I have suggested many times councelling, He laughs gets annoyed and says I dont need any of that Bullshit.
Passive agressive, OMT yes he is the poster child. Thats exactly it, he has effectivly shut me down. there is ZERo communication. I tried for the last time a few weeks ago, he said something to the effect of, When I say just go away I mean it, There is nothing tpo talk about, IF I dont want to talk about it you are only making it worse, I basically said so you dont even think its possible for you to talk about why you feel the way you do? He just says if you are wise you will just leave me the F alone. So much more. But I tell you It is a dead end. There was never any great love to get back. We used to be friends, and had alot of fun together. that has been no existant forever. I cant even warm up to him anymore, I am civil and pleasant, but mostly its a facade. Too much water under the bridge. Dont understand all his anger and never will cause he will never let me in. The really awful thing is everytime he goes away I have these evil thoughts that maybe he will just get in a wreck and die. Now how bad is that!
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buryinghill2
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WHY, WHY, WHY, do you stay in this relationship?
Independence is such a beautiful thing! :clap:
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FlashGordon
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Oh gosh. :hug:

You are a good, strong person. There is no reason you should be stuck in a situation like the on you describe.

My mom turns 60 in a month. Her and my dad separated four years ago and just divorced last year. It was a total shock, sure, but in the end I think everyone is better off. My parent's marriage was far from ideal and I saw it suck the life out of my mom.... but at the same time I didn't know how she'd survive when they separated.

But the truth is, she has really blossomed. Instead of being enveloped in this sadness that was their marriage, she is taking better care of herself and enjoying life. She did have to go back to work after a 20 year hiatus, but I see her confidence growing. She's a totally different person now than she was when they were married. Happier, for sure.

It can be a hard thing to face with no support system, that I will say. But we are all here for you. And I bet you have more friends in real life than you imagine.

I'd be taking a look at the financial end of things and seeing where you'd stand. You might be surprised.

Hugs to you, not an easy position to be in.
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2hsmommy
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Do what ever makes you happy :hug:
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Ann
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Like many of us, you are probably afraid of the unknown. You don't know how you'll make it on your own. So, do like Gunnar said -- figure out the dollars and cents of it all. Would you stay where you are? Would you have to move? What will your monthly costs be? What can you cut out? What can you afford? I've read your other posts about this -- you have not been happy for a long time. You DESERVE to be happy. You already know you'll be happier without him -- you just need to figure out how to make that happen. Good luck to you. :hug: :hug: :hug:
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3Bays
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Dearest Sannnnyyyy-wwwahhh...now that I've read your next post, I would urge you to go find out what it would be in the dollars and cents like the others have said...talk to a lawyer, talk to an accountant, too, if you need it. Figure out what, where, when and how you would re-do a new life for yourself...it sounds like this has been a very negative situation for a looonnng time...and that he has absolutely shut down. If he means "go away" so strongly, then do just that...go away and go into your OWN life.

The others make good points on something else, too: staying together but hating it (and each other) isn't a goal to pursue! My parents also stayed together...nearly divorced when they were in their early 70's, too! SHOULD HAVE DONE SO. It was just uglier and uglier after that. I was aware even as a young kid they were mismatched and even WANTED them to part then...it might have been better all around.

I think another good point made here has been this: you may find yourself blossoming and having life experiences and meeting people and doing activities which will make you SO MUCH happier you'll never regret it!

And, as I said before: you are ONLY fifty!!!

BUT, whatever you decide: we here LOFFFFF you and are SUPPORTIVE!!!!

:hug: :hug: :hug:
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mareseatoats
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Sannois, sometimes I find when I've been too close my life, it helps restore perspective if I take a day and go someplace totally different, like a mini-vacation. I lose a lot of my fears and anxieties that way, and get a new appreciation for where I'm at as well as where I want to be and what I need to do to get there.

It's up to you whether you want to spend the next 20 or 30 or 40 years in the same way you've spent the last 18 or so. Unless you believe in reincarnation, you have one life. Do you really want to spend it tied to somebody you actively dislike?

It's not too late to re-discover independence or get back onto your own 2 feet. And it's not too late to nurture and follow a dream. Life won't necessarily be easier, but it won't ever be boring. It may require making some changes to your thinking, though.

You've written in the past that you'd like to be a nurse. That would be a job that would support you pretty comfortably. You are NOT TOO OLD to go back to school! If I can do it at 54, you can do it at 50. Plenty of my classmates are about my age. I only wish they'd offered the MLT program 4 years ago -- I'd be "re-careered" already!

As far as paying for it, there are programs that would pay your tuition. I know you don't believe in "big government," but think of it this way. There is a serious shortage of nurses. Governments fund nursing tuition to make it possible for people to become nurses who couldn't otherwise afford to -- and by doing so they fill a serious community need. There are also programs where I think most all your expenses are paid if you work in a needy community for a specified period of time. You could have the adventure of exploring a new region, get away from your former life.

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