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UPDATE: children of alcoholics; going to first al-anon meeting
Topic Started: Feb 4 2008, 02:56 PM (1,048 Views)
Casey1
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Magical Leopluridon
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Both my parents were alcoholics and in TOTAL denial. They pretty much just drank at home so endangered no one but themselves. I guess they were not in "total" denial because if they went to a party they dragged me along to drive them home. They didn't go out often.

My mother would start to go through detox overnight sleeping it was so bad. She would wake up her hands would be shaking and until she had her first drink (yes at breakfast) it didn't get better. My mother was worse than my father because he could not drink at work. My mother contracted cancer (she was also a smoker) the hospital confronted her about her drinking and she laughed them off. She survived her surgery, but passed away a few months later. She never ate another bite of food because she had to be fed through an NG tube. However she still had her alcohol.

My father died a year later. I was not at home at the time, I was in Florida working with the horses. He had been drinking and missed a step in our house and fell, he then passed out. When he woke, he was sore so he called the doctor complaining of chest pain. He was rushed to the hospital. Heart was fine, however my dad convinced the doctor he must have had some sort of seizure so they started testing. We tried to tell the doctor HE WAS DRUNK but my dad said "oh no I didn't have that much!". The tests went hay wire my father contracted pneumonia and died.

We couldn't intervene because they denied any problem. My parents were unhappy, due to my brothers they thought they were failures and drinking drowned their problems.

How do I cope? I miss my parents EVERYDAY!! I would love to have them back, I wasn't even 25 when they died. They don't know my husband or how I turned out. Drinking maybe didn't kill them directly, but it did speed the process along.
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DairyQueen2049
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DRAGON BREATH. DRAGGIN' BUTT
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I come from a family of alcholics and mental illness. My father's sister spent time institutionalized, my mother's brothers once shot at each other (and killed one) in drunken stupors.

My brothers, all but 1, are alcholics, and 3 of my sisters are recovering alcholics.

There is nothing you can do for your family.

There is EVERYTHING you can do for you. GO to Al-Anon. There you will discover how the alcholic manipulates YOU and how you can learn to get beyond it all.

You'll learn more about YOU at those meetings then you'll want to - but it will help you cope and realize that you can't do a thing - YOU ARE POWERLESS AGAINST ALCHOL. You are.

I'm sending you :hug: :hug: :hug: and please please go to an Al-anon meeting.
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SnackPack
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You're BANNED!
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Another child of an acoholic here. My mom has been sober for about 13 years. My bro is also an acoholic and has been sober for about 7 years.

It's interesting, because I don't really think of who I've become in relation to their acoholism, but I'm sure some of my independence issues were developed due to it. I am fiercely independent...I will not let anyone else impose on my life. Probably because of all their imposition on me when I was younger.

Luckily, my mom's alcoholish was never very apparent. Most of the time it manifested itself in her not coming home until the wee hours. I learned to take care of myself from a very young age (my dad died when I was 2, so it was just my mom and bro) and to not rely on anyone but me. I do remember one time being scared because she was driving and while I hadn't seen her drink, I knew she must've been drunk. I thought we were going to die. Thankfully, I had my license and she listened when I asked her to pull over ('course she didn't admit to being drunk).

Years later, she came to me to confess that she was an acoholic. She was surprised when I said I knew, thinking she had hidden it so well. That's what our family does...hides the unsavory. It's probably what lead to her drinking and even now causes her to hide her smoking from the family. But, since she's never admitted to unsavory-ness while it's occurring, I know that there really isn't anything I can do. She had to the be the one to change and thankfully, I pretty much always realized that I couldn't make her.
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AC & Ty
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Shunnnnn the unbeliever. Shunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
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Hopefully some more words of support here...

The only thing that was GOOD about my mother being a raging drunk, was that every time she grounded me in high school, she forgot about it the next morning... <_< So that's the funny part of my story...

My grandmother AND my mother were alcoholics. I didn't realize my grandmother was until I started going to ACOA.

Unfortunately, around age 18, I started to mimic ALOT of my mother's behaviour...I absolutely could not communicate without yelling. (My mother's SOP) I was volatile and mean. Another family member just handed me a ACOA self-help book one day. I scoffed at it, but DID read it that night alone. And found myself with a pen making notes in the margin....BECAUSE IT WAS LIKE READING MY LIFE STORY.

Long story short...went to about 1 1/2 years of private counseling, and some group stuff. I was having (creating) problems in my own relationships. I also dated one ALCOHOLIC after another! :shoot:

My mother (who smoked 2 packs a day AND had high blood pressure AND claimed she had anxiety/panic attacks) turned into a reclusive, bitter, horrible person. She looked HORRENDOUS, would not leave the house, and NEVER held ANY of her grandchildren. Because my brother refused to bring the kids over because MY MOTHER would tell my brother that "it was her house and she'll smoke with the kids in it if she wants to"... She REFUSED to go to his house, BECAUSE HE DIDN'T ALLOW HER TO DRINK AND SMOKE THERE. So she never tried to see any of the grandchildren. Of course, the last conversation I had with her before she died, she informed me that she never wanted kids, she just did it because that's what you did then.

My mother actually died of cancer, caused by smoking. But the fact was, she WANTED to die. She was just too much of a COWARD to off herself any other way. So she ingored the giant tumor that had grown behind her palate. She drank some more. Claimed she had "horrible allergies" that caused her sinus problems. Took anti anxiety meds...drank with those. Took high blood pressure meds...drank with those. There were beer cans scattered under the bed. My stepdad found NUMEROUS bottles of liquor stashed throughout the house after she died.

She wanted to die...she was a miserable person. She treated me like SHIT most of her life. She resented me for everything I ever did. She was the most bitter, negative, unhappy person I ever knew. AND she KNEW IT. She KNEW WHY she was like that. And yet, she chose to do nothing. So I have ZERO sympathy.

I'm glad she's gone. I'm glad she can't make me miserable any more. But the fact is...she's been gone for almost 4 years now, and when I speak about it, I'M STILL ANGRY. :huh:

Don't sugar coat it...tell it to him straight up. Separate yourself. It's just not worth it when they don't want to help themselves. :sigh:

Hope your situation works out better...people change every day!!!! It can happen!!! :)

:hug: to you!
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DairyQueen2049
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DRAGON BREATH. DRAGGIN' BUTT
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AC & Ty
Feb 5 2008, 08:26 AM
I also dated one ALCOHOLIC after another! :shoot:


yup - ditto - you have to learn your way out of it.
Horrid vicious circle.
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Corey94
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Off visiting Candy Cave, be right back.
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Nothing to add personally. But just wanted to comment on the perserverance exhibited by so many ladies on this board. I am continually amazed..

Hugs to all of you guys with alcohol issues. You are really something.

:hug:

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Black Tack
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You're BANNED!
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WOW Corey, I concur. :clap: You guys are absolutely amazing. To hear what you have lived through and how you have managed to become such strong, caring and independent people. My hat is off to all of you. :yes:
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Nanelle
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I Visited Candy Mountain and All I Got Was This Lousy Incision
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Incredible how much so many of you have gone through...

It's nice to know that we have so strong ladies around that care for us, so Uh Noney Moose, feel surrounded by caring and sharing people

:hug: :hug:

:rose: to you... I had an alcoholic stepdad and still can't talk about it without being angry, mad and sad at the same time...

:sigh:
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AtLast
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Magical Leopluridon
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you have a pm
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Uh Nony Moose
Weanling
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thanks for the pm ladies, i appreciate the support (and i wrote back).

i will call about the alanon meetings i think there is one tomorrow night that i could go to - if not next monday.

i was reading a bit about children of alcoholics and what kinds of personality traits they have and it fits me a lot. i don't get attached to people, i'm a total people pleaser, i don't trust, and i suffered from an eating disorder when i was younger...to name a few of my problems! :innocent:

i'm thinking of writing a book called "i'm not ok and neither are you" :teehee: (like "i'm ok you're ok")
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stephjm
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It'll be an adventure! We're going on an adventure!
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Uh Nony Moose, I'm sorry I don't have time to read all the replies, and I'm sure you've gotten lots of good advice here. Just wanted to say YES, please take care of yourself. Alcoholism is a disease. My father was a "quiet" alcoholic, no one really realized how bad it had gotten until he was about to lose his job. Thank God he was not an angry drunk or abusive, but he was very "absent" a lot of the time. He went through a recovery program when I was in high school and it took quite a while for me to understand that he had a disease, but to also trust that he was serious about controlling his disease. Fortunately we forged a good relationship before he died at 51 (cancer that was probably at least partially caused by his drinking and smoking).

Do what YOU need to do to keep yourself mentally healthy. We are here for you. And if your parents need help, be there for them, but realize you can't solve their problems for them.
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Yaksmom
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Thomas H. Cruise!
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As an aside - there are more Al-Anons and AA's out there than you think. I have run into several horse people at meetings I have gone to while out of town at shows!

I was very careful with my drinking when I was younger, but when I lost my horse of a lifetime and soulmate, I went over the edge.

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Big Day
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Magical Leopluridon
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My daughter has a friend, he's 10 too, and his mother is a functioning alcoholic. It kills me to watch him be the adult, behave like he's her little date, taking care of her and his younger two siblings. Dad is completely overwhelmed and checked out. This kid is already so instilled as a caregiver when he should be a KID and it breaks my heart. Several of us have tried to talk to his mom, she used to be a friend, but I don't drink as often or as much as she would like.

Its bad enough for the alcoholic, but it is so much worse for the victims of their behavior.

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AC & Ty
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Shunnnnn the unbeliever. Shunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
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Yaksmom
Feb 5 2008, 06:32 PM
As far as being independent early: I started driving horse trailers (not all the time, but still) home from shows at the age of 14 because of mom's "poor night vision".

Methinks it was the scotch.

HOLY CRAP! ME TOO!!!!!

My mom used to tell me: "Let me know when I'm close to the white line, okay?" while she was driving at night......

She claimed she had "night blindness". :brickwall: :mallet: :censored:
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boosma47
We're on a bridge, Chaaaaaaaaarlie!
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My God, you all, I honor your candor and strength. :hug: :hug: I'm proud to consider you my TOC friends.
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