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UPDATE: children of alcoholics; going to first al-anon meeting
Topic Started: Feb 4 2008, 02:56 PM (1,047 Views)
Uh Nony Moose
Weanling
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hello everyone i'm posting under an alter.

are there children of alcoholics on here?

how do you handle it?

have you confronted your parent? if so, what did you say? how did you say it? did your approaching the subject help?

my father is an alcoholic. while i was growing up he wasn't and i don't even know when it started - i guess it was just a gradual thing. but i would say now he's an alcoholic. he can't not drink. he won't not drink. even when he's sick he'll drink. he has health problems and has been told by his doctor not to drink (he's on heart medication) but he doesn't listen and he still drinks.

i don't know if he thinks he's invincible, or if he's trying to kill himself.

the past two times i've visited with my family, i've ended up in tears because of the way he acts when he's drunk. actually he's a very happy drunk. he just makes a big fool of himself.

i haven't directly brought this subject up with him before. i have mentioned that i think he drinks too much and i have told him when i think enough is enough, but he doesn't seem to care. i'm at the point where i want to sit down and write him a letter (i don't think i'm at the point where i could handle a face to face or even phone chat with him).

i've talked with my so about it and his advice is to tell him how i feel and lay down my plans and what i will or will not do with regards to my father's drinking. ie if i'm visiting you and you start drinking i will leave or something like that. or also i will go to therapy with you and support you if you will go get help. as far as controlling my father, it is up to him. he is either willing to change his life or he isn't.

i'm wondering if there's anything i can say that will really make a difference.

:sigh:
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snaffle
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Is the meadow on fire?
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moose, I have no words of advice. Just big hugs. I can't imagine what a difficult time you must be going through. You are brave to reach out for help. I'm sure some folks on this board will be able to give you good advice. :hug:
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Buryinghill1
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You're BANNED!
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No advice here, sorry...except...

A friend I've known since 2nd grade (early 60s) has an alcoholic mom and sibling. Al-Anon made a huge difference in her life. She started going during college and loved the experience. She married a nice man, finished college (BSN with geriatric specialty) and made a wonderful life. She says without Al-Anon (she still goes sometimes) she doesn't think her life would be so good. Try it. :hug:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html
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Uh Nony Moose
Weanling
[ * ]
thank you bh1. it looks like there are meetings in my town. i will look into it.

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OpticalIllusion
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You're BANNED!
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Not my parents, but my ex finance did. He continuously told me he would quit, it would last about a week, then I would come home and he would be drunk. Thing that made it worse was he was not a happy drunk.... at all. It destroyed everything we had, no matter how great he was when he was sober, which was hardly ever. I was completely drained from it and dreaded going home. It took me two years to finally muster the courage to tell him it was me or the alcohol. Guess who won..... I came home one day, he was completely trashed, I grabbed what I could and left. Never went back, havent spoke to him sense. Unfortunately people will usually only change once they hit rock bottom. To do this, you have to not only tell him its you or the drinking, but you have to follow through if he doesnt stop, and not speak to him. You have to realize though that it may take a while for him to quit still. He will probably cuss you and tell you he hates you and all that, but you have to be strong.

Big giant hugs to you, dealing with an alcoholic may be one of the hardest things a person ever has to go through. Please feel free to pm me if you need to talk.
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Fenway
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Guiding your way to Candy Mountain, since 1873.
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Moose, I don't have any advice on this, but it looks like some other people do. Big hugs to you that you can get this all worked out. I'll say a special prayer for you and your family tonight. :hug:
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Phoebe
Schooling
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I'll second the suggestion on Al-Anon and you might also see if there are any Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings in your area - AA itself, usually keeps track of all of these -- you don't have to talk or say anything beyond an introduction but meetings are great places to find people in similiar situations and hear their stories and how they handle it.

I went to meetings of both for years, did therapy and read lots of self help in order to understand that it was my Dad's problem - not mine - and I couldn't really help him - luckily for me he got involved with AA and has over 20 years of soberity - but it was tough growing up and he wasn't abusive or anything like that - as my mother used to say - he was a happy drunk -- but it took its toll - interestingly enough - I don't drink but did suffer from eating disorders that a therapist indicated might be partially due to some some of genetic addictive deal - like alcohol

Please take good care of yourself and keep looking for help -- its out there for you
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gracetw22
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Off visiting Candy Cave, be right back.
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Dealing with that now- You have to come to grips with the fact that is really is a mental DISEASE and you can't reason someone out of it. Just like telling someone who is depressed to cheer up or telling someone who is skitzophrenic that there aren't any voices won't do anything. Your job is to keep yourself healthy and make sure he knows you're there if he needs you. An alcoholic has to hit rock bottom before they'll really commit to change, and until they decide to do it for themselves, no amount of worrying on your part will do anything.
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bensmom
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I Visited Candy Mountain and All I Got Was This Lousy Incision
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Yes!

Not only am I also an ACOA, I have a life experience graduate degree in dealing with it. (No real schooling, but I've darn sure put in the work!) The advice to seek out Alanon meetings is an excellent one -- I got involved with a children of alcoholics group in college and that was terrifice for getting me on the road to dealing with it.

Sometimes, no matter what you do, it isn't enough. My dad drank himself to death two years ago. My mom had finally left him, though they weren't divorced, but because of the situation, I had to step up and be the medical health care surrogate and make all the decisions.

Sitting in the room at the wonderful, wonderful Hospice House and watching him starve to death slowly (that is what happens in total liver failure) is, I hope, the hardest thing I have to ever go through. I take that back -- going to tell his 92 year old mother at 3 in the morning that he was gone ranks right up there.

Nothing we did -- not 8 or 10 super expensive inpatient rehabs, or the 29-30 (we lost count, eventually) court ordered detoxes did enough. We could not love him enough to make him want to get better.

I strongly suggest working with a counselor that specializes in substance abuse and develop some strategies for dealing with him and his problem that will protect *you* -- I didn't do enough of that, and I wish I had.

I said when we first put him in treatment at the Palm Beach Institute that his main problem wasn't the drinking -- we are now sure he had some other problems that he treated with the alcohol -- self medicating. If he had been diagnosed with those problems in the beginning, would it have helped? I don't think so, as he managed to abuse both the antidepressants and the alcohol together as they tried various things.

Some people NEVER hit bottom until they die. I would not wish on anyone standing in the room, holding your dead father's hand, and knowing that when someone wishes to kill themselves, there is not a damn thing you can do about it.

It is really hard now, because most of my anger has finally dissipated, and I miss him. :( I miss the dad he was when I was little, and I really regret all the special times we could have had as I grew up. My father was a good man, but hated himself for some reason and was determined to obliterate himself.

It sucks.

If you need to talk, pm me for my cell number and email address.

Many, many hugs to you -- I hope your dad will get help before it is too late.

Libby
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Uh Nony Moose
Weanling
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wow thank you for your stories.

bensmom i am in tears reading about your father and i'm sorry for your loss.

how is al-anon different from acoa?

it makes me really sad to see him like that. last time i saw him he said he wishes his health were better and that he feels like he doesn't have much time left. he's not yet 65. i told him it is all in his control but he went on to have 3 double bourbon's in about 2 hours (after having wine throughout dinner).

i understand that it is not in my power, it is his issue. but i feel like if i don't try to say or do something then i will regret it when he dies. everytime the phone rings i wonder if it is mother calling me to tell me that something terrible has happened.

his father suffered from depression later in life and underwent shock therapy treatment. i don't know if he's afraid of being like his father or afraid of getting old or afraid of not feeling important or what. i just know i don't like it.
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Won for Me
Is the meadow on fire?
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Uh, me, too. Of course, neither of my parents are aloholics because all they drink is wine. :brickwall: My father does a complete about face in personality when he drinks. He blew up at me two years ago and told me he was sorry I was born. My mother in all her "sweep it under the rug" mentality said oh he didn't mean it. She also left the scene completely when he was verbally attacking me. I remember thinking if he swings, I am going to swing harder. He and I did not speak at all for 18 months.

A year ago, I moved halfway across the country. I don't walk on egg shells anymore waiting to see if he had enough lunch so he was not too drunk.

I have realized that they can't be helped. I have accepted this is the way they will both go...mom is not as bad, but enables dad. Our family could never do rehab!!!! No one in our perfect family has a problem. Tell that to my sister who died a junkie several years ago.

I don't drink anymore and abhore being around drunks. I can count on one hand the times I have even been tipsy. I took the chicken route and just left the whole situation. Hugs to you for dealing with it...I just bugged out.
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Yaksmom
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Thomas H. Cruise!
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hello everyone i'm posting under an alter. I am not, but have broken my anonymity on numerous occaisions :psycho:

are there children of alcoholics on here?I am a recovering alcoholic

how do you handle it?One day at a time

have you confronted your parent? if so, what did you say? how did you say it? did your approaching the subject help?At one point my siblings and I all wrote letters as we were all out of the house. He dried out for a few years (all was very very good) and then he started thinking that one glass of wine would be OK with dinner - it wasn't

i don't know if he thinks he's invincible, or if he's trying to kill himself. Most likely the latter.

the past two times i've visited with my family, i've ended up in tears because of the way he acts when he's drunk. actually he's a very happy drunk. he just makes a big fool of himself. Don't visit then, set some boundaries to keep yourself safe. Have your mom meet you for lunch, or if you live far apart, stay in a hotel when you visit.

i haven't directly brought this subject up with him before. i have mentioned that i think he drinks too much and i have told him when i think enough is enough, but he doesn't seem to care. i'm at the point where i want to sit down and write him a letter (i don't think i'm at the point where i could handle a face to face or even phone chat with him). Drunks don't take hints and don't care much either what others think about their drinking. Any excuse will do!

i've talked with my so about it and his advice is to tell him how i feel and lay down my plans and what i will or will not do with regards to my father's drinking. ie if i'm visiting you and you start drinking i will leave or something like that. or also i will go to therapy with you and support you if you will go get help. as far as controlling my father, it is up to him. he is either willing to change his life or he isn't.Your SO is right - tell your dad how you feel and don't candy coat it, then set some serious boundaries to protect yourself. It is his problem and only becomes yours if you allow it to. ACOAs tend to be "fixers" and take the blame for everything - alcoholics blame everything but themselves. I don't think going to therapy with him is such a great idea until he admits he has a problem and does something for himself. When I first got sober, I needed a lot of time for just me - to figure things out and start to screw my head back on. Once he is comfortible in sobriety (if he chooses to sober up), then he will be able to mend relationships. While the thought of going to therapy together is a noble one, IME it most likely won't work. The disease is cunning and baffling, and my diseased mind tells me that he most likely will manipulate the therapy into buying him some points to be able to drink again ie. "I did all that therapy with you, I deserve just an occaisional cocktail" .

i'm wondering if there's anything i can say that will really make a difference.Nope he needs to admit to himself that there is a problem - outside suggestons just becomes nagging.

I may add more later, but I have to go close up the barns.
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Uh Nony Moose
Weanling
[ * ]
yaksmom, thank you for your honest answers.

i looked up acoa and there are no meetings in my area, so i think that al-anon would be a good place to start. i feel like i need to be prepared before i have any type of "confrontation" with him, even if it is just sending him a letter.

in al-anon do you have to commit to the "12-step" program? what if you don't believe in god or a higher power? that seems to be a big part of it...and i'm not a believer.

won for me, your parents sound a bit similar to mine, although my mom did just stop drinking and lost a lot of weight and looks and says she feels great. my dad used to just drink wine (albeit a LOT of it), but he has now graduated to starting with wine and ending with bourbon. mmmmm delish. :spew:

part of me wishes he'd just have a heart attack and get it over with and that could be his wake-up call.
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Yaksmom
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Thomas H. Cruise!
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You don't "have" to prescribe to anything as far as the higher power thing. Just going to some meetings and networking with people who have the same problems can be cathartic. Go, listen, introduce yourself to someone that sounded like their story fits yours and go out for coffee afterward. You may be able to find other resources that fit your needs through the AlAnon meetings and the people there as well. It isn't as cultish as most outsiders think. AA works, and to those who don't understand, seems like (as my husband referred to it) a brainwashing cult. My brain needed washing. ;) It is a very strong support group for those that choose to embrace sobriety.

Honestly, I can only fix myself, and I aint done with that one!!!
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varider
Shunnnnn the unbeliever. Shunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
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Another ACOA here. Dealt with the worst of it through my teenage years. Dad finally got clean when he got run over by a truck and landed in the hospital for that. We made them keep him for the 2 weeks it took to get him through the DT's and then sent him directly to a month long in patient treatment center. Followed by a year of daily AA meetings, he did go through a couple of relapses, but overall managed to stay dry until he passed away in 2005.

Of course, his early death, and the mental illness that preceeded death, were probably guaranteed from drinking 24/7 for so many years.

How did I deal with it? Al-Anon was a help, as was an ACOA group. But a lot had to come from within - I had to learn it was his problem and as much as I love him, I couldn't fix it. I tried - I was the only one at home the night he had a complete mental breakdown (I was 12 at the time), I was the one he would sit with in the evenings and cry to, I was the one who would take him places because I was scared to death he would kill himself driving, I was the one who bought food for us to eat with my own money at age 15 when my mother was out of the country. I'm the one who has spent a lot of time with a counselor to learn to deal with all of it.

My mother and sister basically looked the other way. Or left the country. Yeah - it's left some scars on the family bonding that's supposed to be lifelong.

Al-Anon was a great help - just to know that you aren't alone is a pretty hefty relief. They don't ask anything of you in meetings. You can just sit and listen, or you can participate. You don't have to subscribe to their methodology.

Please know you are in our prayers and thoughts and we'll help you anyway we can. :hug:
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