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| Heavy Metal Fairy Tales | |
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| Topic Started: Dec 25 2008, 09:12 AM (228 Views) | |
| Pez201 | Dec 25 2008, 09:12 AM Post #1 |
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New and improved
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Found this on the intertubez a while ago... A princess, whose beauty is impossible to describe, is caught in a castle by a monstrous dragon. The brave knights come to rescue her. Each style has its own way to handle this situation and finish the story. POWER METAL: The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, slays the dragon with his magical sword, saves the princess and makes sweet love to her in an enchanted forest upon a bed of rose petals. SPEED METAL: The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princes and has sex with her. 70'S HEAVY METAL: The protagonist arrives on a Harley wearing his best leather jacket and tight leather pants, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and has sex with the princess. FOLK METAL: The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls sleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave.... without the princess. VIKING METAL: The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, has sex with the princess, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving. DEATH METAL: The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, has sex with the princess and kills her, then leaves. BLACK METAL: The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. has sex with the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon. DOOM METAL: The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and then the princess for dessert. PROGRESIVE METAL: The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the "70'S HEAVY METAL" protagonist. GLAM METAL: The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour. NU METAL: The protagonist arrives in a run-down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire. GRINDCORE: The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves. INDUSTRIAL METAL: The protagonist arrives wearing a greasy overcoat, makes obscene gestures towards the dragon and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards. EMOCORE: The protagonists' mother drives the protagonist and his friends to the castle. He kills the dragon with some awesome armspinning and spinkicking while his friends observing the scene with their arms crossed; then the princess laughs at the protagonists ridiculous hairstyle and the boys leave weeping. PUNK: The protagonist hitchhikes to the castle, asks the dragon for some bucks, buys some cans of beer, gets pissed, insults the princess as "monarchist bitch" and "commerce" and leaves the castle. POP METAL: The protagonist arrives in a limo. The dragon lets them in as long as they sign an autograph for his mum, who is the band's big fan. The protagonist leaves with the princess and they get married. GOTHIC METAL: The protagonist arrives along with a cold wind of winter in the middle of the night, frustrates the heck out of the dragon until it dies of fear and desolation, comes to the princess ansd discusses how to clean make- up without inflicting skin irritation. METALCORE: The protagonist swings his feet and arms about wildly, accidently knocking the dragon out. Then he storms off in anger that someone messed up his dance routine. |
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"I never said i was the first person..yesh. I admit Pez was the first one to throw a goat" - Fin Leader of the Canadian Fat Whale Party from 21/5/08 - 29/8/09 and from 1/8/09 when his 48 hour brain fuzz cleared up.
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| Omnivorous | Dec 25 2008, 05:15 PM Post #2 |
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The AntiEss
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Faults I believe in the above: Doom Metal isn't suicidey depressing. Grindcore songs are no more than one minute long ![]() Gothic Metal sounds much more like Immortal rather than Nightwish... should offer the princess a coffee
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# of points: -2Department of Immigration Member
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| disposablepuppetland | Jan 7 2009, 07:15 PM Post #3 |
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Hall of Famer
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Some improvements: BLACK METAL: The protagonist arrives. He slaughters the princess upon an altar of blood. Then has sex with the dragon. DOOM METAL: The protagonist arrives, slays the dragon, then discovers the dragon was actually his father, turned into a dragon by the princess, in a callous ploy to ensnare young protagonists. In a fit of rage he kills the princess, but this is his undoing, for despite himself, he loved her with all his heart. Like none had ever loved before. He is left to walk the earth alone. Cold. Forever. <lengthy violin solo slowly fades out> NU METAL: The protagonist was not able to come and save the princess because he was grounded. INDUSTRIAL METAL: The protagonist refused to save the princess because that would be totally fake and just following the crowd. |
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[align=center]This is what DPL is about - Also known as The Justified Ancients of West-Side - Furthermore known as the Jam Cartographer of Canada[/align] | |
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| Pez201 | Jan 7 2009, 08:54 PM Post #4 |
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New and improved
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Quoted.
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"I never said i was the first person..yesh. I admit Pez was the first one to throw a goat" - Fin Leader of the Canadian Fat Whale Party from 21/5/08 - 29/8/09 and from 1/8/09 when his 48 hour brain fuzz cleared up.
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| Mirahge | Jan 7 2009, 10:16 PM Post #5 |
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And you say I have problems!
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I would personally prefer Power Metal...of course, having sex with the princess is always good in any scenario
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"Life continues on, with...or without you" ~Locust Queen, Gears of War 2 RP Charecters: James Redmen - 28 days later Pvt Damain Horton - On the Front Lance Dersan - Cops | |
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| jDELIGHT | Jan 8 2009, 10:21 AM Post #6 |
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Fun is the only noise you should hear
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:lol: :lol: |
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A 21-Skwerl Salute for the Dizzy Twirling Hippy Chick! "Your only true land based hope are aerodynamically correct goats." JT | |
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| disposablepuppetland | Jan 29 2009, 07:29 AM Post #7 |
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Hall of Famer
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Just thought of some more: EMO I can't tell which is the princess and which is the protagonist. HIP-HOP The protagonist enters the room, closely followed by his entourage of 200 homies. He announces to the room that he is an extremely wealthy individual, and that everyone should pay him a great deal of respect. He informs them that he has murdered a number of people who did not pay him respect. He doesn't regard the police very highly either. He attempts to fight the dragon, but he's unable to lift the massive amount of jewellery encrusting his fingers, so they sit down and smoke a joint. The princess jiggles around wearing a bikini and is largely irrelevant. TRANCE There's no protagonist, no princess, no dragon. Just a sea of people pilled up and dancing as the same piano sample loops over and over. AMBIENT TECHNO The protagonist and the princess think the dragon is the best acid trip they've had in ages. |
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[align=center]This is what DPL is about - Also known as The Justified Ancients of West-Side - Furthermore known as the Jam Cartographer of Canada[/align] | |
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| Pez201 | Jan 29 2009, 08:02 AM Post #8 |
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New and improved
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:lol: The princess is the one that isn't crying.
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"I never said i was the first person..yesh. I admit Pez was the first one to throw a goat" - Fin Leader of the Canadian Fat Whale Party from 21/5/08 - 29/8/09 and from 1/8/09 when his 48 hour brain fuzz cleared up.
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| Ess | Jan 29 2009, 03:01 PM Post #9 |
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twirling hippy chick
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![]() WOW Canada is a Wonderland of enchantments~Bobert Ess is the Chuck Norris of NS Canada, so anything's possible.~Redundancies The hippy chick is Canada's coolest! ~Fiddy HappinEss ~Matilda | |
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| Fin | Jan 30 2009, 02:21 PM Post #10 |
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Tilting Windmills
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DPL "TRANCE There's no protagonist, no princess, no dragon. Just a sea of people pilled up and dancing as the same piano sample loops over and over." OH NOES refer madness |
![]() ![]() ![]() A 21-Skwerl Salute for the Dizzy Twirling Hippy Chick! Canada-Fin Equinox-Hospitlar AoQ-Hero | |
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| Pez201 | Jan 30 2009, 06:02 PM Post #11 |
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New and improved
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"I never said i was the first person..yesh. I admit Pez was the first one to throw a goat" - Fin Leader of the Canadian Fat Whale Party from 21/5/08 - 29/8/09 and from 1/8/09 when his 48 hour brain fuzz cleared up.
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| Jagalloch | Nov 28 2009, 02:41 AM Post #12 |
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First Line Centre
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i like that. I smiled at some parts. nice find.
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___________________________________________________ "When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment and I told them they didn't understand life." "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move." -Douglas Adams | |
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points: -2







3:19 AM Jul 11