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To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

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Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:

1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."

The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

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How To Be Cool
An Essay By Logan Whitehurst

So--you want to be cool. And maybe, just maybe (and this is one of those little "maybes" that the cool character says, almost inaudibly, then pauses for a very, very long time before shaking his head and going, "Nahhhh") ...nahhhh. I can't help you. Only you can help you. And I'm here to help you help yourself--because God helps those who help themselves and I figure if you've got me AND God on your side, how can you lose? Then again, God might not exist, and then where would you be? You'd still have me, that's where. And you'd be cool.

What is cool? Let's break it down:

1. Cool is having a killer pickup line--one so suave, so sophisticated, so irresistable it's frightening. Try these while raising one eyebrow and smiling out of the corner of your mouth. Look around a lot, but always look at the potential date enough so that he/she knows you mean business. Go to the store. Say to the girl/guy behind the counter, "Is this the checkout counter? 'Cause I'm checking you out!" Go to a fast food place. Say, "Is this the pickup window? 'Cause I'm picking you up!" This may not be appropriate in libraries or hospitals, but you have to go with your instinct. I mean, after all, you got to be cool.

2. Cool is not doing what your parents want you to do. This can be blatant or subliminal--just as long as they think you're not doing what they want, you're cool. Disregard for parental authority has been cool since James Dean. The Fresh Prince of Bel Air helped some, too. Now you, too, can further this institution, and it's easier than you may think. When your parents say, "Be home by ten," just say, "Be tome by hen." If they say, "Eat your soup," you say, "Seat your oup." See, it's all a word game. They think you have no respect for them, and you get to have a little laugh at all the silly words you make up. Just like James Dean.

3. Cool is looking like someone cool. This is not as circular as it sounds. Go ahead. Pick someone that you think is cool, preferably someone that many other people also think is cool. Dress like them in every way. Change your hair, your eye color. Change your teeth, your social security number, your address, age, weight, height, grade point average, and telephone number. You'll be guaranteed to make that cool first impression, and you can ride on that for a long time. This also works for fictional characters like the Power Rangers and Scooby Doo, though not quite as easily since they are much smaller than people in real life, and they are flat.

4. Cool is having a nickname that everybody knows but nobody is really sure how you got it. Like a guy named "Stubs" who still has all his fingers. It's cool to let people in on the nickname, too. Say, "My name is (your name), but my firends call me (enigmatic nickname)." Here's an example: "My name is Louis, but my friends call me Dr. Chunks." Refer to yourself in the third person sometimes, too.

5. Cool is being able to quote Shakespeare. Imagine being on a street corner or in line at a roller coaster and just out of nowhere some guy starts bustin' out all like, "'Twas brillig, and the slithey toves did gyre and gimbel in the wabe; all mimsy were the borogoves, and the momeraths outgrabe!" People would be all, "What a loser!" Then you be all, "With love's light wings did I o'erperch these walls!" Then the first guy be all mewling and puking in the nurse's arms and people be thinking you be cool. Keats and Dickenson be cool, too, and come to think of it, Lewis Carroll be not that uncool hisself. Power to the Alice.

6. Cool is when you got some mutha at the end of your piece and his chick's got a bead on your badass afro and she's all screaming but you keep your head and start all shouting, "What's Fonzie like? What's Fonzie like?" And she's all, "He's cool." That's right. Fonzie is cool. Make references to Fonzie a lot. It is a universal given truth that Fonzie is cool, and you can experience coolness by association.

7. Cool is having a cool job. Being a dental assistant isn't as cool as being an archaeologist. Being a farm boy isn't as cool as being a smuggler. Basically, it's cool to have a job that other people always wanted but couldn't get. Like being God. That's the coolest job. Lots of perks, looks great on a resume, and you get the seventh day off. I would settle for working in a record store or a coffee shop, though. Those are cool places to work because you get free music and coffee, which brings me to point eight...

8. Cool is espresso drinks ordered well. If you go to Starbucks and say, "What's a latte? Does it have coffee in it?" you're not cool. Don't go to Starbucks. Corporate coffee isn't coffee; it's profit, and you can tell by the size of their mochas. They're really small. If you go to a LOCAL coffee house and say, "What's a mocha? Is that like mocha java ice cream flavored?" then you're halfway there. Go to the counter and say, "I'd like a double mocha with whip for here." That's what I say, so add your own twist so as not to cramp my style, but that's the jist of it. One sentence; leave no unasked question unanswered. "Single decaf latte with soy milk, no whip, to go." Voila. Or maybe just "Large house coffee for here." Then they give you a cup and you can impress the girls/guys behind the counter with how well you pour coffee. Practice at home. Don't screw up. If you don't like coffee, you can still order it--just don't drink it. Pour it down the bathroom sink and play it off legit.

9. Cool is being prepared for any situation. If zombies overrun the city and the buildings are falling down and there's a tornado headed for the orphanage, you'll be ready. That's cool.

10. Cool is being able to parallel park the first time.

11. Cool is being in a band. Music is just another universal cool, like Fonzie. If you can be in a band long enough to get popular and still hold a respectable smuggling job and have friends then you're cool. Drums are really cool. If you can play the drums really well, you're cool. Bass is cool. Guitar is probably recognized as the coolest instrument, but I think it's the hammered dulcimer that's the bomb-ass. If you can rock out on the hammered dulcimer, I've got some rock-god status for your ever-lovin' eye.

Now, here's a scene demonstrating how cool you can be in real life, remembering to apply the eleven tenets of coolness:

Scene:
(coffee shop, evening. A bunch of wanna-be cool people are sitting around debating the existence of true coolness. The door opens, and in you stride, wearing a long, ornate coat and a powdered wig.)

You:
(giving thumb's-up) 'Ehhhhhhh!

Everybody:
Hi, Dr. Chunks!

You:
(approaching girl/guy at counter) Hey, give me a triple decaf nonfat chai latte, no whip, for here. (raising eyebrow) By the way, is this the pickup counter? 'Cause I'm picking you up!

Girl/Guy:
(looking intrigued by your suaveness) Coming right up! Did I just see you parallel parking outside?

You:
First try, baby! What light through yonder window breaks?

Girl/Guy:
What's with the coat and wig?

You:
I'm Thomas Jefferson, coolest Declaration of Independence author/president/inventor in town. I invented the cotton gin and the phonograph and the General Theory of Relativiy and gravity. Word to the Fonzie.

Girl/Guy:
I couldn't help but notice the ease with which you ordered your espresso beverage just then.

You:
That's because I work at a LOCAL coffee house across town on days when I'm not God. My parents don't know I'm out right now. Fonzie's cool. (nods of approval from the wanna-bes)

Girl/Guy:
What did you tell your folks?

You:
Oh, I just said, "Did you hew your domework? Did you rean your cloom? Did you deed the fog?" Then I split. Before I came here, though, I had to go to my popular band's practice space and pick up my hammered dulcimer.

Girl/Guy:
Here's your latte.

You:
Excuse me for a moment. (go to bathroom and pour latte down the sink) I'm back--that was a killer latte. I couldn't stop drinking it even as I was using the toilet. (wink to knowing patrons) Fonzie's the man.

Man:
(bursting in through front door) Holy crap, everyone! There's a hurricane a-coming and the oranges ain't been a-harvested yet! Save the children!

You:
Dr. Chunks is ready.

Girl/Guy:
God damn you're cool.

Finale of Scene

See how easy it is? I think it was all summed up by that last line, spoken by a girl/guy in bewildered awe of your blinding coolness: "God damn you're cool." So true, so true. Oh yes, I almost forgot the most important thing you must do to be cool: don't do what anybody tells you to do. If you can do that, you'll be the coolest. You can do that, can't you?

Your friend,
Logan (but my friends call me Magic Chef)