Quote:

 

By IAN SHANLEY

   

 
My computer (serial number 666) is surely from hell (as if yours works properly when you really need it to).

I have proof of this, too.

I'm telling you, it taunts me. Error boxes pop up, scaring me with such statements as "An unrecoverable error has occurred. Either a file stream error has taken place, or a file has failed a CRC-2 check. You are screwed."

Thanks a lot, Bill Gates!

Or there's this gem: "Windows has detected that you have attempted to save your work. You must now restart your system. All unsaved work will be lost." There's more: "Windows has completed updating your computer. No, we did not bother asking you if you wanted this, we just did it. If you complain, windows will make your life a living hell."

Ever see this one? "Your mouse has moved. Windows must now be re-started," or "Windows has not had an error for 12 minutes. We really don't have anything else to say, except that we're really proud of ourselves right now."

I hate it. "Your System Administrator has determined that your current activity is providing an enjoyment level beyond what is deemed acceptable on company time. Your enjoyment will now be disabled."

Here's a good one: "Windows has detected a user error. Please replace the user to continue."

It gets worse. "Windows has reset the clock on your system to reflect the change in Daylight Saving Time. Also, it has deleted some files at random. Ha, ha."

On some error boxes you have options to respond to. For instance, when you get an error box claiming "Nice one, you really screwed up this time," you can click your mouse on either "I know, gimme a break," "Oh (bad word)," or "It's my first day."

Then comes the gloating. "I am Internet Explorer! I think, therefore I am! Death to Firefox! I will prevail, trust me earthling! You will worship me and bow before me. I am aliv mdir78409poiut098e;lmcl[lr7lo;"

This is immediately followed by:

"A general exception error has occurred. Press any key to restart your piece of (bad word) computer now. All data -- saved or not -- will be lost. Deal with it."

Random error boxes will occasionally pop up.

"Windows has encountered an unrecoverable error. The error is unknown, because the guy who wrote the program quit and he was, like, really really smart and stuff, and we don't know his phone number. Um, if you happen to be that guy, please call us ASAP."

One of my least faves is "you must now call the help desk, who will summon an expert to come to your office, and point ... laugh ... repeat, you complete moron. He may tell you that it is PEBMAC related. PEBMAC is an I.T. acronym meaning Problem Exists Between Monitor And Chair."

Yes, my computer is surely from hell. If I could only get it to go back there.