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A writing assignment gone (hilariously) wrong...; Now THIS is good writing...
Topic Started: Jun 8 2010, 04:38 AM (353 Views)
Quillian
Writer
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Recently, I had dug up a few old mementos from high school, and among them I found... no way! A copy of this thing which was circulating among some staff which I copied for myself.

Just had to share... Allow me to transcribe it for you...

Quote:
 

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.

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"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.  The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.

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STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

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(second paragraph of Gary)
Meanwhile, advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through the ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

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(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for physically brutalizing the woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.  "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from the her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

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(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his first on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

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(rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

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(gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic ning nong whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUC**KING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."

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(rebecca)
As*shole.

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(gary)
Bit**ch.

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(rebecca)
Wan*ker.

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(gary)
sl*ut.

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(rebecca)
Get f*cked.

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(gary)
Eat sh*t.

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(rebecca)
F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

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(gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.

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(teacher)
A+ - I really liked this one.


Actually, this is just the version which I got my hands on. Turns out that there are many different versions out there. A quick Google search for "rebecca gary writing assignment" reveals some results such as this, this, and this.
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csadn
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Quillian,Jun 8 2010
04:38 AM
Actually, this is just the version which I got my hands on. Turns out that there are many different versions out there.

And they're all fakes -- anyone who's ever done a "group project" in school knows full well only one member of the "group" actually does the work; the rest sit around and gossip.

Many moons ago, I caused great chaos and strife when I handed in a "group" project with only my name on it; the others received Fs (this was the '70s, when teachers were permitted to give "underwater" grades -- Below C- Level :) ), and since this project was a large part of the final grade....

Took them most of the summer to unscrew *that* jug-fuck. (Didn't help that I pointed out all of them combined did less work than I did; most of them ended up with blotted report cards on their permanent records. I considered it a Public Service. >:) )
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Sabre_Justice
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Reminds me of the 'progressive stories' we wrote back in school. We all wrote for five minutes or so and passed the paper on.

The resulting stories were sheer insanity.
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flyboy254
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Imagine if they did this for the Bible!
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csadn
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flyboy254,Jun 8 2010
09:05 PM
Imagine if they did this for the Bible!

The LOLspeak version wasn't enough?
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Quillian
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Real or fake... you have to admit that this is still hilarious, right?
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Jeffk38uk
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Indeed, i'd pick it up if it were a novel. Gotta love that the teacher (real or not) gave it an A+
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csadn
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Quillian,Jun 9 2010
12:27 PM
Real or fake... you have to admit that this is still hilarious, right?

Wrong.

"Hilarious" was the guy who showed up to the late-night Creative Writing course I was taking in university with a *25-page* stream-of-semi-consciousness "story" about a Guy Who Is Suffering Writer's Block And Decides To Cure It By Getting Shitfaced And Typing Whatever Comes To Mind.

Anyone care to guess *how* he came up with this bit of literary genius?

It becomes hilarious when you see most of a class -- teacher included -- trying to explain the Deep Meaningful Significance of the story to a guy who is so hungover I'm expecting him to pass out any minute....
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Jeffk38uk
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Everything's great at your Junes.
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csadn,Jun 10 2010
05:25 AM
Quillian,Jun 9 2010
12:27 PM
Real or fake... you have to admit that this is still hilarious, right?

Wrong.

"Hilarious" was the guy who showed up to the late-night Creative Writing course I was taking in university with a *25-page* stream-of-semi-consciousness "story" about a Guy Who Is Suffering Writer's Block And Decides To Cure It By Getting Shitfaced And Typing Whatever Comes To Mind.

Anyone care to guess *how* he came up with this bit of literary genius?

It becomes hilarious when you see most of a class -- teacher included -- trying to explain the Deep Meaningful Significance of the story to a guy who is so hungover I'm expecting him to pass out any minute....

I can see you're alot of fun at parties huh.
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csadn
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Jeffk38uk,Jun 10 2010
03:09 PM
I can see you're alot of fun at parties huh.

Depends on the party -- around ex-military types, I'm a comedy genius. :)
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