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My Tank is Fight, by Zack Parsons
Topic Started: Feb 7 2008, 09:18 PM (603 Views)
Hercule Pyro
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You've done some terrible things, Mister Harry
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So, Zack Parsons of SomethingAwful fame released a book on the batshit insane weapons of World War 2. The Germans, being mad enough to think National Socialism was in any way positive, seem to have taken the lead in crazy, crazy weapon design. Including an artillery piece designed to fire from Calais to London, an early form of guided missle and the biggest fucking tanks ever designed by man.

Posted Image

The Ratte. Essentially a naval cruiser on treads. Oh, and it had a brother called the Monster. Which was essentially a Ratte with a Dora (A railway gun that fired shells bigger than a T34) stuck on it.
Both were never built, because Albert Speer was a complete bastard (Mostly because, he was, you know, a fucking Nazi) and told Ze Fuhrer that such a project was a complete waste, as opposed to being awesome and win.

I really wish they'd built at least one. Mostly because it'd have sucked up tons of resources and provided no real benefit. Being a slow moving box.
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HunteRS
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So that's where the plans for the Mammoth tank came from.

I loved this book. Good to see German engineering at it's finest.
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Lothar Hex
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Illogical
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Zack Parsons, of SomethingAwful.com, published this book in 2006, and if you're a fan of History and what appears to be Comic Book science in some respects, it is an enjoyable read.

The book basically details some of the "wackier" weapon developments of World War II, not all of them Nazi, but the vast majority are. Parsons details the weapons in a fun and informative manner, with illustrations included. The book also has 4 different characters (A German tank trooper, A German Luftwaffe pilot one Russian sniper and American war reporter) and their expriences of these largely unmanufactured weapons (though some made it ot the Prototype stage and some of V3 facilities were built and used).

Parsons goes into some detail with the weapons, but not so much as to become boring and he does insert some humour into them, but it's laregely informativew, even going as far to include hypothetical deployments for the weapons (including a failed attempt to assasinate Winston Churchill by delivering trooper via VTOL aircraft). The main bulk of the book is great read and educational, so he's somehow managed to do something kids programmes and schools have failed to do for decades. Reading about such weapons as the LandKreuzer P. 1500 Monster mobile artillery piece, essentially a version of the famous Dora and Schwerer Gustav that wasn;t confied to the rails., just shows how Hitler loved his massive weapons despite their limited or nonexistant uses. Not that the Brits or Americans had all sane ideas (an Aircraft Carrier made out of Pykrete, essentially ice and wood, or a flying tank?).

The only small failing I have exprienced are the story sections, where Parsons has his four previously mentioned characters encounter the weapons. One line told from the perspective of Russian sniper, Avdotya Donetskov, springs to mind particular. As she pepares to attack a line of trenches in Germany.

Quote:
 
Now you know how it feels to fight for your homes, Avdotya though. I have no pity for you.
She pitied them anyway.


A contradiction within striking distance of the two sentences. I can understand what Parson's was doing, trying to show that despite the characters thoughts, she was conflicted (at least thats what I think he was trying to do), but the writing os a little clumsy. Then again this isn't a fictional book (as all of the weapons existed, even if it was just on paper) and they do their job for the most part. There are a couple of clumsy sections in them, but their not really detrimental enough to cause anything but a momentary pause and they serve their purpose.

Overall an enjoyable read and anyone with an interest in WWII should get it, the price on the bank says $14.95 US or $20.95 in Canada. I got it for £5.96 here in the UK and even considering I'm not even half way through(been reading it at work as it just arrived this morning) it is definitely worth it.

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Hercule Pyro
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You've done some terrible things, Mister Harry
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HunteRS,Feb 7 2008
09:22 PM
So that's where the plans for the Mammoth tank came from.

I thought that was based on the Maus, a "smaller" tank, "only" 188 tons (For comparison, the Tiger II was 69), whilst the Ratte was over a thousand.

What with you being capable of fighting a medium-sized battle on the back of a Ratte.
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Jeffk38uk
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Everything's great at your Junes.
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HunteRS,Feb 7 2008
09:22 PM
So that's where the plans for the Mammoth tank came from.

I loved this book. Good to see German engineering at it's finest.

Glad I wasn't the only one who saw the similarities there. The moment I see anything resembling a prisim tower I'm going to request C&C as possible alternate reality.

I'll have to look for this book somewhere.
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Taytyn
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Dont forget to add the salimander to your list, a jet fighter, MADE OF BLOODY WOOD, oh, and the natter, for that matter. Also, the ratte would have, in theory, wieghed 1000 tons, and the monster 1500 tons.
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Hercule Pyro
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You've done some terrible things, Mister Harry
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Beat you by four minutes, old boy.

As for the fiction, well, it's not brilliant but gets the idea across.
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Lothar Hex
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Illogical
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DAMMIT EAST!

*merges topics*
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Hercule Pyro
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Not including ammunition, fuel and crew. The Monster was 2500 tons, and then you had to factor in the entourage.

Might have been easier just to shut one and keep the other open.

Just saying.
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HunteRS
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A lot of the designs (especially the Monster) remind me of the mecha designs of Rind of Red-the 'dirty over engineered look'. If they'd have though of giant battle mechs things might have been different.
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Lothar Hex
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Illogical
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I spent time on my bloody review and I am not letting it go to waste because of your short nonsense!

Also I don't do think the easy way, I do things...

THE LOTHAR WAY!

I've been wanting to say that for ages.
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Hercule Pyro
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You've done some terrible things, Mister Harry
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Lothar Hex,Feb 7 2008
09:38 PM
I spent time on my bloody review and I am not letting it go to waste because of your short nonsense!

Also I don't do think the easy way, I do things...

THE LOTHAR WAY!

I've been wanting to say that for ages.

Well, if you're happy.
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Lothar Hex
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Illogical
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I've never been happy.
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HunteRS
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Power is all that is needed.
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Lothar Hex,Feb 7 2008
09:38 PM
I spent time on my bloody review and I am not letting it go to waste because of your short nonsense!

Also I don't do think the easy way, I do things...

THE LOTHAR WAY!

I've been wanting to say that for ages.

Is that anything like the Max Power way? Or is it the right way just more ragey?
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Lothar Hex
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Illogical
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HunteRS,Feb 7 2008
09:22 PM
I loved this book. Good to see German engineering at it's finest.

I don't think "a waste of resources and comepletely ineffective" would be considered the finest by anybody.

Seriously, looking at the Ratte and the Monster they're not tanks, they're essentially bloody naval cruisers (indeed they were dubbed Landkreuzers) with tank treads stuck on. They couldn't even bloody go over bridges because they'd just collapse under the weight.
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Hercule Pyro
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You've done some terrible things, Mister Harry
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Lothar Hex,Feb 7 2008
09:53 PM
I don't think "a waste of resources and comepletely ineffective" would be considered the finest by anybody.

If a battle tank can be considered sexy, they are sexy tanks. Sexy, sexy tanks.
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Pixellated
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Being responsible
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How come you both decided to post topics and reviews about the book at the same time as each other, since it's been out for around a year and a half? I still haven't gotten round to reading it, however, along with the Zombie Survival Guide.
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Ed Sigma
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Science is your friend!
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Eastwood,Feb 7 2008
09:56 PM
Lothar Hex,Feb 7 2008
09:53 PM
I don't think "a waste of resources and comepletely ineffective" would be considered the finest by anybody.

If a battle tank can be considered sexy, they are sexy tanks. Sexy, sexy tanks.

Hmm, well whoever designed the Ratte was probably compensating for something.

Seriously though, this does sound interesting, to think how close WWII actually came to being Red Alert with Nazis. Have to pick up a copy of this.
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HunteRS
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Power is all that is needed.
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East and Lothar are the front guard of the new Tyranid assault. As such they are linked psychically.
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Hercule Pyro
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You've done some terrible things, Mister Harry
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Pixellated,Feb 7 2008
10:02 PM
How come you both decided to post topics and reviews about the book at the same time as each other, since it's been out for around a year and a half? I still haven't gotten round to reading it, however, along with the Zombie Survival Guide.

Lothar ordered a copy. I ordered one the day afterwards. Possibly due to my obsession with batshit insane superweapons.
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Baziron
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Linguishtick Powaz
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I think the commonly applied term - which should've also made it into English as a non-translated loanword - was (or rather: is) "Wunderwaffe".

And were it not for the enraging graphix on its hull, that tank would be so awesome. Especially with the fact that, since 9-11, tanks have become mostly obsolete at any rate, so it would make a great fashion statement. If I was chancellor, that thing would've been as good as build, even if just to show off. Who needs bloody aircraft carriers?

And the Netherlands would never again win anything at soccer that we couldn't just threaten to take back! *cough*
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Pixellated
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I was going down a country road, and a tank was coming the other way. As it rolled nearer, the top hatch opened, and out popped a -5 year old boy-. It was a slight cross between 'wtf' and 'I'm quite possibly doomed here'.
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Sabre_Justice
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Eastwood,Feb 7 2008
10:08 PM
Pixellated,Feb 7 2008
10:02 PM
How come you both decided to post topics and reviews about the book at the same time as each other, since it's been out for around a year and a half? I still haven't gotten round to reading it, however, along with the Zombie Survival Guide.

Lothar ordered a copy. I ordered one the day afterwards. Possibly due to my obsession with batshit insane superweapons.

Why am I not surprised in the least by that?
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Jeffk38uk
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Everything's great at your Junes.
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Sabre_Justice,Feb 8 2008
05:58 AM
Eastwood,Feb 7 2008
10:08 PM
Pixellated,Feb 7 2008
10:02 PM
How come you both decided to post topics and reviews about the book at the same time as each other, since it's been out for around a year and a half? I still haven't gotten round to reading it, however, along with the Zombie Survival Guide.

Lothar ordered a copy. I ordered one the day afterwards. Possibly due to my obsession with batshit insane superweapons.

Why am I not surprised in the least by that?

You would it order it for the same reasons if you found it costs only £6.59 on amazon uk.
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FackGerbil
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I wonder if I'm the only one who saw the cannon on the side sponson and straight away thought 'Baneblade with two barrels on the main gun.'

Although I think a more accurate description of that thing would be 'Ork Gargant'
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