Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Welcome to Exterminatus Now. We hope you enjoy your visit.


You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free.


Join our community!


If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features:

Username:   Password:
Add Reply
Rather crappy fanficcy thing
Topic Started: Jun 14 2007, 04:39 AM (465 Views)
Taytyn
Member Avatar
Eastwood Fan
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
First, it might somewhat alleviate the overall crapness of this story but i was required to be in the form of three postcards, one of the paragraphs on each card, I was given free riegn and was bored as hell so based it off EN/GD. Anyway it is meant to be serious instead of comedic EN is and i realize that due to the above it is verry cluttered (especially the third part) sooo... i guess here it is. DONT HURT ME!


Flickering lights cast long shadows down the length of the concrete hall. The staccato tapping from the running of a trench coat clad raccoon echoes through the twilight. He takes a corner halting to steady his aim and fires off a series of volleys from his bullpup. The audible chink-ching of a reloading shotgun reverberated off the walls, causing a knee jerk reaction to make for the relative safety of the corner. The figure dove into cover at the last moment as a chunk of concrete was blasted from the wall. Once he recovered, he once again heard the retreat of his adversary resonate through the corridors. He quickly picked himself up and continued to sprint through the tunnels. Rounding the next corner, he fires again. The ruby colored beams pierced the flesh of his target, who then fell to the floor.

The target, a dun colored weasel, quickly cast his gaze at the shotgun that had fallen from his grasp. The hunter advises the fallen “don’t try it” as he fingers the trigger of the weapon pointed at his head. The shadowy figure enters a shaft of light, revealing his true nature. He looked to be in his thirties and was approximately 4’ 2”. He was shown to be a raccoon by the dark hair surrounding his eyes and ringed tail. His left cheek was marred by a vertical length of scar tissue. “I am Tibero Severian of the Mobian Inquisition” he stated with an emotionless voice that chilled the cultist to the bone.

“Make no mistake, you will die for you villainous ways, but should you cooperate, I promise you a merciful, painless death.” Growled the raccoon-inquisitor “Should you not” he continued “You will be handed over to our interrogators”
“One such as you cannot intimidate a follower of the dark gods” exclaimed the brown weasel, continuing to cough up a glob of blood “you cannot hope to extinguish the undivided cults”
“I am giving you a final chance” replied the armed individual
“Damn you” stated the captive with obvious anger, who punctuated this by spitting a quantity of blood speckled phlegm at the inquisitors face.
The inquisitor responded by readying his bullpup, then hesitated.
“No, that fate would be to forgiving” as he holstered his weapon in a large pocket of his trench coat, and proceeded to press the vox bead in his ear. “The target is apprehended; send black guard officers to grid location epsilon three”
As the black guard came to escort the prisoner, the inquisitor turned to leave the bunker.

Egad, its almost as bad as eye of aragon (as being worse than that would break all known laws of physics). Hopefully I didnt inspire too many suiside attempts.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Grey Wolf
Member Avatar
Wolf
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Due to the title you've given this thread i was expecting something really, really bad. But that was rather good. Nice mix of description and action. Everything flowed nicely.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Pixellated
Member Avatar
Being responsible
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Great stuff there, only a few mistakes in the 2nd and 3rd, just to do with the slow of speech. There's only one other thing I picked up on, and that was how the action flowed in the 1st: I had a feeling you wanted to make it fast-paced and action-like, but the sentences used were too long to do that: to make a scene stir the wanted emotion, the sentences should have to be shorter and less descriptive. Unless you wanted the pace to be regular of course =)
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Taytyn
Member Avatar
Eastwood Fan
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Thanks for the replies, seeing as nobodies firebombed my kitchen maybe i could start writing a full story. Anybody else got any comments and critisism?
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
ZetaBoards - Free Forum Hosting
Create your own social network with a free forum.
Learn More · Register Now
« Previous Topic · The Archives · Next Topic »
Add Reply