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| Mobian Inquision Stories; The Iron Lords Operation | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: May 25 2007, 12:07 AM (1,031 Views) | |
| Blue_Fox | May 25 2007, 12:07 AM Post #1 |
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Scum
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Alright, I'm studying Professional Writing in University, so i couldn't resist writing a short story for these guys. This story introduces my own Warhammer 40K kill team with Eastwoods team on a very dangerous inquisition plot. There is abit of comedy, but i prefer writing serious stories. Many people who plaid W40K will know of some of the aliens, weapons, and other characters mentioned, but I'm trying to keep it a bit closer to EN's Universe, which i will define as pre-pre Imperium development, in other words, the baby stages of the Imperial Army. There are still starships, but weapon wise i choose to keep it W40K style, so heavy Bolters, hellguns, and other weapons from that game will be mostly use along side Ak-47's M-16's and SAW's. DISCLAIMER!!! All EN characters property of Virus, Eastwood, Lothar, Silversword All Kill team Characters "707 Kill team" Property of Gunfox Studios (ME) So without any futher ado, enjoy Note: Chapters will be broken up and posted separately, don't be afriad to comment (NO FLAMING) Please note, the EN team dosent arrive fully until the 4th chapter, most of this is simple character development for my team ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Chapter 1: Arrival into new Arms “Commander, arrival at the Mobian Inquisition in 10 minutes” The pilot spoke through the com. The commander sat up from his rest as the Aquila Lander soared low over the capital city, taking in the dawning view of the urban sprawl through the windows. For 5 days, he had been called with his squad to aid in a very devious plot the inquisition was trifling with. It had seemed one cult had become more powerful then many others, and has been a bane to the Ordo Malleus, thus, had requested help form various regiments to provide forces to aid the Inquisition. The commander fidgeted, his ears twitched as he scratched them, the fox was not use to flying in the Aquila, it may be for important personnel, but flying in general was never his string point. He felt a hand on his shoulder, turning he saw it was that of his sniper, Tanya, a red fur fennec. She bared similar armor to him, but it was modified for a female use. She smiled “Air sickness?” she said her voice like a spring breeze, soothing and calm. Her smile could touch even the darkest souls and her beauty was a sight for sore eyes, a well built yet delicate structure covered in crimson red fur with white chest fur and deep green eyes. “Yeah…not use to this” the commander replied. “Neither am I…just grin and bear it” Tanya replied with a giggle. The commander grinned a bit; Tanya had a very carefree attitude and always was positive towards everything. What was interesting was her attitude during missions, so serious and alert; it almost was if she were 2 people in one body. Turning about, he set his eyes on the rest of his squad. The second closest to him was a big timber wolf; dark Grey fur color covered his entire body aside from the common white coloration on the chest and face. Silver as his code name was, the heavy weapon expert of the team. Being the biggest (a 7ft tall beast) and strongest, he carried the heavy gear into action. Sitting there, he was the quiet one, never talking much but offering solid advice to most problems. Some say he was more of a philosophic then a combatant, bearing purity seals and parchment on his left shoulder, which was cybernetic along with the rest of his arm, and Heavy Bolter. To him, it was to confine the darkness within himself, but no one was sure what he meant, even Librarians had a hard time deciphering his mind; he was a puzzle in a wolf body, and was thus left to his own wishes. In any case he was the backbone of the Squad, laying down the fire when needed. The last elite member was a feline, a Tigress warrior by the name of Natalia Strong built and second tallest, her body was more of an amazonian they of a normal female. An ex-CALLIDUS Assassin; she had been re-assigned to the Commando team for reasons unknown, in any case, she was the stealth hand of the kill team. With the ability to alter her figure within a second, she was the primary set of eyes and ears on the inside of any objective. Cold and solid as steel, she was able to get any task done. Though she too kept to herself, her views towards the others of the team seemed companionate, then again, she rarely spoke to anyone but the commander in charge. “ETA 7 seconds” the pilot said as the airship slowly touched down on the roof of the Main inquisition building. Laid set in the center of the primary city, the two guards quickly saluted as the door drooped down. Outside the main entrance a weasel with a pair of dog Imperial Guardsmen stood waiting as the 4 exited. He tilted his glasses downward to avoid the light shining off the steel of the craft. “Commander Mitchell, it’s good to see you” he said with an expressionless stare. The fox who was still clad in the armor was now easier to see, no fur was visible from the suit, aside from the basic Kasrkin outfit, the sections of the tail and ears were covered by thinner plates of carapace armor, this was one trait many commanders found…odd, but never questioned. Tanya was by his side, pushing back her red bangs she sighed as she looked around, Nat and Silver came last, and both emotionless expressions as they stepped behind the Commander. “Mr. Simmons correct?” Mitch said as the Weasel nod “Indeed, I have been ordered to receive you, I apologies for the absent of the commander, but he has been somewhat “bed ridden” He pushed his glasses back again. “Bed ridden?” Tanya asked “An attempted assassination by a cult had caused him to be put into medical standby, Apothecary’s have order he remain there for sometime. Until then I have been given charge of this operation to attack the cult that had inserted agents among the inquisition.” Simmons had a keen eye on Nat, he seemed to know what she really was, and found it quite…pleasing…to have one of the Imperium’s best among them. “Follow me please” He says as Mitch nods, followed by the others as they proceed to the elevator to head below. - Note: Due to Lothats commentary, i plan to remove the 2 and 3rd chapters for now and work on each one to "improve it" |
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| Lothar Hex | May 25 2007, 09:56 AM Post #2 |
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Illogical
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It's quite interesting and I'd like to see more, but to be honest mate if you're studying professional writing I would have thought this would have been better written. Your descriptions tend to be just lists, and your doing some pretty basic errors in regards to punctuation. For example, everytime you close speech marks that don't end in a full stop, question mark, or exclamation mark, there must be a comma there. Example from your work:
This is wrong, it could have a comma after "seconds."
Pretty basic mistake but if you do it in assingments you'll get marked down for it. There's also a fair few spelling and capitalisation errors. For example you type "I'll" as "ill" which is completely wrong. It should have a capitalised "I" and an apostrophe. And for the love of all that is holy do NOT use "u" instead of "you," it just looks stupid and I'm surprised that if you're handing in assingements like that your tutor hasn't talked to you about it. No offence mate but did you forget basic GCSE grade english? I never studied Professional Writing at university but I'm confident I would have gotten a far higher mark than you if I did. Also, Lothar doesn't wear a straw hat, it's a fedora. |
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| Pixellated | May 25 2007, 10:13 AM Post #3 |
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Being responsible
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His American cousin from down South does =P Anyway, what Lothar said: the punctuation and spelling is pretty messy: if you've typed this out on the forum first or on Notepad, try using a program with a spellchecker to get the easy mistakes, and then pass it to someone else to read before posting a final: it's really important that this gets done right, it's what'll separate you from the other students if you don't check. If you don't have a spellchecker, go get OpenOffice (Open Source office suite, I loved it when I used to use it). Other than that, keep going, I'd also like to hear more, and I hope the characters get developed more. On another note, what happened to that other EN long running FanFic? Last I remember was that Rogue was captured, but the guys had gone to the wrong place to rescue him, and then there was no more. I'll try and find it again, see who was doing it. I'll have a lot of spare time on my hands after exams, and I may like to continue it =) |
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| Blue_Fox | May 25 2007, 01:47 PM Post #4 |
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Scum
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Ah thats what it was....thanks, always wanted that cleared up. And yeah, i didn't expect good commentary for the first draft, i wrote it at 2 am. The next few bits will be more polished, so be sure to see some improvement oh and Lothar, thanks for the commentary, but like i said before, i wrote it pretty quickly. Besides i will make this a lot better then you see it now, so don't get your dreadlocks in a knot. |
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| Webmistress L | May 25 2007, 11:59 PM Post #5 |
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The definition of maturity
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I don't have much to add on. An edit might be in order because you have missed at least full stop here;
What it should be is;
It is a good introduction though, I will say that. Just look over it again, polish it up by fixing the grammar and if you want to be certain that you've gotten all of the mistakes get someone to beta-read it for you because a computer can miss basic grammar/wrongly used words (i.e. sprinter instead of printer). I don't like seeing a promising start stay less than that way, kay? Also don't get bogged down doing physical descriptions of the characters; one or two sentences is good with an occasional addition here and there later in the story but don't dedicate a whole paragraph to what they look like otherwise the reader might be put off. You nearly did that but you just escaped it by describing the character's personalities as well. Just try not to fall into that trap again. Pixellated, Red Fox stopped doing it a while back because he didn't have enough time to do it I think. |
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| Spriggan | May 26 2007, 01:12 AM Post #6 |
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Sad, Sad Bastard
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| Lothar Hex | May 26 2007, 08:44 AM Post #7 |
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Illogical
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Excuse me but that was critique, not a rant against you. If you're going to be like this everytime you ask for someone's opinion I'd suggest not bothering. |
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| Raye | May 26 2007, 09:06 PM Post #8 |
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Y U NO REED RUELZ
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Try not to take offence to what anyone’s saying. When you ask for people’s opinion they’re going to give it, if you’re not ready to hear critique on your work you probably should mention that prior to posting your stories. Also, because you are studying Professional Writing at a University, you can expect people to be more critical of your writing. It’s expected that you show that same kind of professionalism in your own more “personal” (for lack of a better term) stories as you would for the papers you write for University. Even if you wrote this at 2am, even when you proof read it you could still miss out some errors, and people here are just helping you point it out. Speaking of which, I’d like to say a few things:
Amazonian should be capitalized. Also, Webmistress L has mentioned the part about “……Natalia Strong built…..” She managed to point that out well, but is that her last name? It is capitalized and it gives me the impression that it is her last name, but it could also be that you may have forgotten a period at the end. Maybe you could try emphasizing that part a bit. Lothar already mentioned it, but your story sounds more of a list of things rather than a story. Example:
That sounds static. It’s really just a list of what’s happening, and when it comes to writing a story it doesn’t sound right. Try to embellish it, maybe the pilot had an accent, maybe the commander was irritated at the time, maybe he had his pants down. Who knows? But maybe adding how the characters interact with their surroundings may help make it sound less static.
I missed that the first time around, but I just noticed it when I was reading more carefully. It should be “strong”. Another thing I want to point out, it sounds redundant when you use “The commander” a lot. It is established that he’s the main focus (before Tanya comes in), and it just seems that it’s unnecessary to keep referring him as “the commander” when it was established enough. I suggest that you should probably stay with “he” or introduce his name (or last name) earlier because that really takes away from the flow of the story. It’s not vital that you must say “the commander” every time you speak of him, especially if he is still the main focus. It would probably be more important after you introduce several characters at once and they are all doing something at the same and need to say “the commander” to elaborate that it’s the character you are speaking of. But if you’re still talking about him, even in later paragraphs, I really doubt it’s all that necessary to keep referring him as “The commander”. Don’t be afraid to use pronouns ;)
I feel that it should be more like “Her smile could touch even the darkest souls and her beauty was a sight for sore eyes. A well built yet delicate structure covered in crimson red fur with white chest fur and deep green eyes.” Either way is fine, but I feel that it’d be best to divide them into two sentences, since they are going about different things.
If I were you I may consider revising this. You need a comma before the quotation marks. Also, I don’t know how to put it, but it doesn’t look right to me. Maybe it’s just my preference, but I feel like it should be written more like ”Netiher am I… just grin and bear it,” she replied with a giggle. The commander grinned. She had a very carefree attitude, and was always positive about everything. Doens't have to be what I wrote, by the way, just gave an example. That’s all I’m going to point out, getting an super headache (this is not an insult towards you :P I just don’t really enjoy wearing my glasses too often when I read and usually pay the price by not wearing them with a whopping headache). But it does look very promising, and yea, I noticed a lot of the same grammatical errors everyone did. It’s very common. You’d be surprised how many published books I read that have the same mistakes here and there. I remember I pointed out a few to Garry when he got me the book of evil men :P. It’s nothing to get worked up over, they are just common errors that are easily overlooked. I suggest that you probably get someone to proof read it as well. Sometimes we can miss even the simplest mistake and someone else can pick them up. I think when you have the time you should try to revise these pages. So far the story is very, very good, but needs a little bit of fixing. Though to be honest, if you were to show this to one of your teachers at the university, I feel that you may get pretty horrid marks. It’s probably a harsh thing to say, but you are going for Professional Writing. It’d probably be best if you proof read and revise anything else before posting. To be honest, after you mentioned you were going for Professional Writing and I saw all the spelling and grammatical errors made, I was a bit baffled. Trust me, I don’t want to be mean, or sound too critical, but when you state that you are going at something “Professionally” we don’t expect to get less. So, in the future, it’d be a good idea if you polished this a bit more before sending it off. |
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| Webmistress L | May 26 2007, 09:22 PM Post #9 |
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The definition of maturity
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A FEW? Raye, you wrote a book in terms of crit! And you seem to have rewritten that chapter too! *claps anyway* You realise that now I'm going to ask you to play editor for me later right? |
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| Raye | May 26 2007, 09:28 PM Post #10 |
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Y U NO REED RUELZ
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Okay, maybe "a few" was a bit of an understatement. But play editor? Does that mean I get paid? :D |
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| Webmistress L | May 26 2007, 09:29 PM Post #11 |
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The definition of maturity
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If chocolate counts as money to you then yes, I will pay you. ;) |
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| Raye | May 26 2007, 09:30 PM Post #12 |
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Y U NO REED RUELZ
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As much as I like chocolate, I don't think I should. What about in corn miffins? |
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| Webmistress L | May 26 2007, 09:32 PM Post #13 |
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The definition of maturity
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If you want, you're the editor and to a writer an editor is a godsend. :D Wait, Miffin? TYPO'D! |
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| Raye | May 26 2007, 09:35 PM Post #14 |
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Y U NO REED RUELZ
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OH THE IRONY!!! |
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| Pixellated | May 26 2007, 09:37 PM Post #15 |
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Being responsible
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*wags finger* This board should be an Irony Free Zone,, remember? :P |
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| Kyubi | May 27 2007, 08:52 PM Post #16 |
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Troll of the Pokemon World
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In addition to what's been said so far, if you're going to type in past tense, try to make sure the entire thing is in past tense as well. Changing from past to present or vice versa, unless recalling past events, usually doesn't flow too well. |
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| Dani | May 27 2007, 10:07 PM Post #17 |
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Scum
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I thought I might add my two-cents (and a whopping two-cents it is as well…). A lot of my comments are stylistic, and some can be ignored as they deal with word choice. Some are suggestions, some can most certainly be contested, and some are just pointing out “typos” that the author most likely did not mean to place in there and I was merely acting as a guiding light. I hope this doesn’t seem too nit-picky; I’m really only trying to help, especially as I liked the concept of the story and would like to read more. For convenience, I chose not to write out the story in quote boxes (though I changed nothing). Everything that is my notes is in italics and is purple, and everything the author wrote is in plain black. The bolded word(s) and phrase(s) are simply there to add a focal point to my notes. I sincerely hope this helps! “Commander, arrival at the Mobian Inquisition in 10 minutes” The pilot spoke through the com. It is a general rule to write out completely the numbers ten and below as words, i.e. “10” would be “ten” (though often it is most visually pleasing to write out nearly all numbers, save for things such as R2-D2, etc.). The commander sat up from his rest as the Aquila Lander soared low over the capital city, taking in the dawning view of the urban sprawl through the windows. For 5 days, he had been called with his squad to aid in a very devious plot “Very devious” is a weak phrase, if only due to the “very.” Very is nearly an empty word, especially when overused (see your kindergarten cards to your mom that say “I love you very very very very very very very very (etc.) very much!”). Try to sum up the extent of the deviousness with a single pertinent word. It packs a bit more punch to it and also makes it seem a bit more thoughtful. If devious is the word you want, try some other modifier than “very.” Would “dangerously” or “highly” or “particularly” be appropriate as well? the inquisition was trifling with. “Trifling” here is a bit of a confusing word. A “trifle” is generally something insignificant, and “trifling” isn’t very strong. It seems a bit like “meddling,” and it also means that the situation is not being given much attention or respect. Are you trying to say it’s not an important matter? If so then keep it. If not, entertain the notion of replacing it with something a bit more pertinent. It had seemed one cult had become more powerful then many others, and has been a bane to the Ordo Malleus, thus, had requested help form various regiments to provide forces to aid the Inquisition. “Then” should be “than.” And you seem to have a disagreement between your tenses. Also, the sentence is a bit long, a bit ponderous, and doesn’t flow correctly. Who had requested help? Ordo Malleus? Because prior “Ordo Malleus” was not the subject but the indirect object, making the transition off. The commander fidgeted, his ears twitched as he scratched them, the fox was not use to flying in the Aquila, it may be for important personnel, but flying in general was never his string point. I agree, this seems like a list, and it’s very awkward. There isn’t much agreement between the phrases separated by commas and thus makes your writing, as well as thought process, appear choppy. Break it up and apply some transitions. This also seems like it could become a nice setup for a few consecutive semi-colons. Try to avoid that. I would suggest rewriting this section instead of just trying to shove in different punctuation. He felt a hand on his shoulder, turning he saw it was that of his sniper, Tanya, a red fur fennec. This comma would be better as a semi-colon. She bared similar armor to him, “Bared” should be “bore.” but it was modified for a female use. Would this be “for a female to use” or “for female use”? She smiled “Air sickness?” she said her voice like a spring breeze, soothing and calm. You need a period after “smiled.” Asking is different than saying, and in this case she asked a question, not stated something. Also, whether you use “said,” “asked,” or something else, there should be a comma after it before you describe it. Her smile could touch even the darkest souls and her beauty was a sight for sore eyes, a well built yet delicate structure covered in crimson red fur with white chest fur and deep green eyes. “Well built” needs a hyphen between the words. “Yeah…not use to this” the commander replied. “Neither am I…just grin and bear it” Tanya replied with a giggle. ”Use” should be “used.” Also, repetition makes your writing feel a bit old and unimaginative. Try switching “replied” up with some other verb. The commander grinned a bit; Tanya had a very carefree attitude and always was positive towards everything. What was interesting was her attitude during missions, so serious and alert; it almost was if she were 2 people in one body. Take out the first semi-colon and replace it with a period. Also, write out the 2. Not typing out numbers, besides what I mentioned before, also makes you seem a bit lazy and unprofessional (the novel-writing equivalent of “lol hay can u run me thru dedmiens ur hi lvl i hav 2 kil vc.” :P) Turning about, he set his eyes on the rest of his squad. The second closest to him was a big timber wolf; dark Grey No need to capitalize color. fur color covered ”Color” is an unnecessary word here; you already said “gray” so the fact that it is a color should be understood. his entire body aside from the common white coloration on the chest and face. Silver as his code name was, the heavy weapon expert of the team. This is a sentence fragment. Being the biggest (a 7ft tall beast) and strongest, Once again, write out the number, and also the abbreviation. he carried the heavy gear into action. Sitting there, he was the quiet one, never talking much but offering solid advice to most problems. Some say he was more of a philosophic then a combatant, This might read better as “philosopher.” bearing purity seals and parchment on his left shoulder, which was cybernetic along with the rest of his arm, and Heavy Bolter. …And Heavy Bolter what? This just seems thrown in there. Maybe give it its own sentence, tell where he’s holding it or anything, really. As it is now, it comes out of the blue and seems out of place. To him, it was to confine the darkness within himself, but no one was sure what he meant, even Librarians had a hard time deciphering his mind; he was a puzzle in a wolf body, and was thus left to his own wishes. This is a way long sentence, with too many commas and too much going on. Break it up into at least another sentence. In any case he was the backbone of the Squad, laying down the fire when needed. The last elite member was a feline, a Tigress warrior by the name of Natalia Strong built and second tallest, her body was more of an amazonian they of a normal female. Basic issues stated before, with the “Natalia Strong” confusion, the needed capitalization of “Amazonian” and “they” needing to be “than.” An ex-CALLIDUS Assassin; This should be a comma, not a semi-colon. A semi-colon seperates a complete thought/sentence from another. she had been re-assigned to the Commando team for reasons unknown, in any case, she was the stealth hand of the kill team. Too much repetition. You used “in any case” in the previous paragraph. With the ability to alter her figure within a second, she was the primary set of eyes and ears on the inside of any objective. Cold and solid as steel, she was able to get any task done. Though she too kept to herself, her views towards the others of the team seemed companionate, then again, she rarely spoke to anyone but the commander in charge. A semi-colon would be better in this instance, rather than a comma after “companionate.” “ETA 7 seconds” the pilot said as the airship slowly touched down on the roof of the Main inquisition building. More to help you not miss another one than to pick at it again, this still needs to be written out. Laid set in the center of the primary city, the two guards quickly saluted as the door drooped down. Outside the main entrance a weasel with a pair of dog Imperial Guardsmen stood waiting as the 4 exited. He tilted his glasses downward to avoid the light shining off the steel of the craft. I know there haven’t been enough of happy comments, but I really like this sentence. It’s not something I would normally consider, but it makes sense and it’s great imagery. “Commander Mitchell, it’s good to see you” he said with an expressionless stare. This quote needs some form of punctuation at the end. I would suggest a period. The fox who was still clad in the armor was now easier to see, no fur was visible from the suit, aside from the basic Kasrkin outfit, the sections of the tail and ears were covered by thinner plates of carapace armor, this was one trait many commanders found…odd, but never questioned. Once again, this is a very long sentence with a lot of ideas that should be separated, but not by commas. It makes it seem more like a list and less like a description. Tanya was by his side, pushing back her red bangs she sighed as she looked I think you are missing a period between “bangs” and “she sighed.” around, Nat and Silver The comma should be either a period or a semi-colon. came last, and both emotionless expressions as they stepped behind the Commander. I think you meant “both wore emotionless expressions” or something to that effect. Without that, the subject becomes confused and it almost seems like the expressions themselves are stepping behind the commander. “Mr. Simmons correct?” Mitch said as There needs to be a comma after “Mr. Simmons.” Also, this is once again a question, which is different than a statement, making “said” inappropriate. the Weasel nod Should be “nodded” instead of “nod.” “Indeed, I have been ordered to receive you, I apologies for the absent of the commander, but he has been somewhat “bed ridden” He pushed his glasses back again. This has a few problems. There is the over-use of commas, the mistake of “apologies” instead of “apologize,” and the use of “bed ridden” instead of “bed-ridden.” Also, when using quotes inside of quotes, the general rule is to use ‘ inside of “, or “ inside of ‘. Therefore, that part should read “…but he has been somewhat ‘bed-ridden.’” “Bed ridden?” Tanya asked The hyphen is missing. “An attempted assassination by a cult had caused him This should read “has caused.” If it is “had caused,” it would cause it to seem as though it was in the past, more distantly, anyway, and that it is no longer the case. to be put into medical standby, Apothecary’s have order he remain The plural of “Apothecary” is “Apothecaries.” It should also be “have ordered.” there for sometime. Until then I have been given charge of this operation to attack the cult that had inserted agents among the inquisition.” Simmons had a keen eye on Nat, he seemed to know what she really was, and found it quite…pleasing…to have one of the Imperium’s best among them. With the comma where it is, it causes POV confusion. Before the comma, he “seemed” to know, but after the comma the writing seemed to show his thoughts. Without separating it with the comma, the “seemed” will carry over and help POV to remain consistent. “Follow me please” He says as Mitch nods, followed by the others as they proceed to the elevator to head below. You’re missing two sets of punctuation here. The first is a comma after “Follow me.” The second is a period at the end of the quote. I hope that helps! Though it seems like I pointed out a lot, I'm sure I'm missing some things. I liked this a lot and want to see you continue it. |
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| Webmistress L | May 27 2007, 10:22 PM Post #18 |
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The definition of maturity
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Hm, I've got a nasty habit of doing that myself, using the same verbs in dialogue. If Blue_Fox ever checks back, might I recommend this link? It's got a pretty large list about verbs used with dialogue and it's been useful to me since I've found it. Or you can use a thesaurus. |
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| Blue_Fox | May 28 2007, 02:16 PM Post #19 |
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Scum
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I thank everyone for helping me, like i said i wrote this at 2 am, so I'm really glad for the help. I have already been re-writing and editing the "better copy" so ill try to post it soon enough And lothar, my apologies for writing my last post, it was only critic, not a rant, my bad. |
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| Blue_Fox | Jun 25 2007, 12:32 PM Post #20 |
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Scum
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Sorry for the DB, just wanted to post the better version of the story to show i aint exactly dead. Ive been pretty busy organizing my table top warhammer force and converting a demonette into a tigress isn't the easiest thing in the world. ------------ Chapter 1: Arrival into new Arms “Commander, arrival at the Mobian Inquisition in 10 minutes,” the pilot spoke through the intercom in the officers helmet; sitting up from his rest as the Aquila Lander soared low over the capital city, taking in the dawning view of the urban sprawl through the windows. A few days ago, he had been called with his squad to aid in a very devious plot the inquisition was trifling with. It had seemed one cult had become more powerful then many others, and has been a bane to the Ordo Malleus. In turn, they had requested help form various fighting forces to provide forces to aid the Inquisition. The commander fidgeted, his ears twitched as the craft jittered slightly from the changing winds. The fox was not use to flying in the Aquila, in any case, flying in general was never his strong point. As he tries to ease his tensions, he felt a hand on his shoulder, looking up, he saw into the eyes of his sniper, Tanya, a red fur fennec. She bared similar armor to him, but it was modified for a female use. She smiled “Air sickness?” she spoke, her voice like a spring breeze, soothing and calm. Her smile could touch even the darkest souls and her beauty was a sight for sore eyes. “Yeah…not use to this” the commander replied. “I know the feeling sir, flying in these are never easy.” Tanya replied with a giggle before sitting back down. The commander grinned a bit; Tanya had a very carefree attitude and always was positive towards everything and anything. What was interesting was her attitude during missions, so serious and alert; it almost was if she were 2 people in one body, which sometimes concerned him. Turning about, he set his eyes on the rest of his squad, though dark and dim, he could easily make out the figures before him. The second closest to him was a big timber wolf; dark grey fur color covered his entire body aside from the common white coloration on the chest and face. Silver was his code name; the heavy weapon expert of the team. Being the biggest (a 7ft tall beast) and strongest, he carried the heavy gear into action, everything from Laser Cannons to Plasma Weapons. Sitting there, he seemed to be in his own world, silent and still. He never talked much aside from offering solid advice to most problems. Some say he was more of a philosophic then a combatant; bearing purity seals and parchment on his right shoulder pad and Heavy Bolter. To him it was to confine the darkness within him, no one was sure what he meant. Librarians had a hard time deciphering his mind; he was a puzzle in a wolf body, and was thus left to his own wishes. In any case he was the backbone of the Squad, laying down the fire when needed. The last elite member was a feline, a Tigress warrior by the name of Natalia, an ex-CALLIDUS Assassin; she had been re-assigned to the Commando team for reasons even the commander didn’t know; having just been placed under his command. In any case, she was the stealth hand of the kill team. With the ability to alter her figure to whatever she saw fit, making her the primary set of eyes and ears on the inside of any objective. Cold and solid as steel, she was able to get any task done in any situation. Though she kept to herself, her views towards the others of the team seemed compassionate; making sure everyone was alright after a heavy scuffle. Then again, she rarely spoke to anyone but the commander in charge, and even then it was hard to get any emotion from her. “We have arrived commander,” the pilot said as the airship slowly touched down on the roof of the Inquisition building. Placed in the center of the primary city, the facility was massive, made up of one large tower and 3 smaller complexes, all heavily defended by Imperial Guard Shock Troops. As the jet cooled its engines, two guards and a third figure approached the drop ship as the door drooped down. Outside the main entrance a weasel with a pair of dog Imperial Guardsmen stood waiting as the four exited. He tilted his glasses downward to avoid the light shining off the steel platting of the aircraft. “Commander Mitchell, it’s good to see you” he said with an expressionless stare. The Team, now stepping into the light of the morning sun, was easier to observe, and full details could now be seen. The commander came first, clad fully in armor from head to toe. No fur was visible from the suit, aside from the basic Kasrkin carapace outfit, the sections of the tail and ears were covered by thinner plates of carapace armor. This was one trait many commanders found…odd; having the “unknown solider” as a commanding officer, but none ever questioned. Tanya was by his side, pushing back her red bangs she sighed as she looked around; her figure was slender as an ordinary female, but held the aspects of strength and agility. Being the scout, she was responsible for getting into places others couldn’t, thus her build matched the profile perfectly. Natalia came soon after with Silver in tow. The feline was better built and sturdier then Tanya, a “Amazonian” figure, but was hindered by her cybernetics. Her arms, legs and tail were solid forging replacements, painted with black stripes to add past relics of her old limbs. Silver on the other hand, had far worse scarring. His entire head was forging replacement. A solid mass of steel with his black/silver eyes, his right wrist and full left arm too were forgings, as was both legs below the knees; truly a worthy combatant with the muscle tone build and massive height. The team stood there as the weasel simple studied them. “Mr. Simmons correct?” Mitch said as the weasel nodded, his business suit somewhat “out of place” among the guards. “That is correct, I have been ordered to receive you, I apologies for the absent of the commander, but he has been somewhat busy at the moment.” Mitch tilted his head “What do you mean?” “The cult we requisitioned for you to deal with had already struck against our agents. 3 have been killed already, their bodies showing signs of technophile replacements” Simmons looked down “The words “Iron Lords” lay written on the wall where we found them.” This came as a shock to the kill team, never had such incidents among cultists been so vile and profound. “Servers of Fernex, the Chaos God of Machines…that is nothing hard to miss” Silver said in a low tone “We have already found that out” Simmons replied “The cultist enjoy replacing their own limbs with cybernetic ones, it’s a fetish they have…a truly revolting one” he adds “As it has been said in the Codex Astrid, these beast sacrifice the flesh of the living and replace the corps own limbs with that of steel, sometimes turning living beings fully into cybernetics as sacrifices to the machine god” Simmons nodded “True to the last word.” He said as he fixed his glasses again, “We shouldn’t waste time; Schaffer wanted me to send you to him as soon as you arrived. If you will follow me, I will take you to his quarters.” The team simply nodded as they gathered their belongings they brought with them, the sun now was rising steadily and the morning light christen the city around them before being shut by the doors of the elevator. As the elevator descended into the depths of the facility, Simmons made notes of the cults activities for the past few days. “As I have noted before, they have been kidnapping citizens right from the street and sacrificing them, our agents demise only happened 2 days ago, which has shocked the Inquisition greatly. To make matters worse, the insertion from the enemy has not only tightened the knot they have on us, but also caused great paranoia from some of the newer cadets.” Simmons spoke with somewhat of an uncertain voicing, being the second in command of the facility; he seemed pretty content about the situation. It would be an interesting experience to see how Schaffer, being the general in charge, took to this. “Without a doubt, the more experienced members of the inquisition are ready to deal with these problems.” The elevator stopped with a shunt, lying dormant for a brief moment before the doors shuttered. They opened with a hiss as they exposed a black echidna waiting on the opposite side, wearing a fedora with a black lace around the center; he tips it upwards to see the newcomers. His right arm, eye and both legs showed signs of cybernetic forging replacements. At first the team slowly went for their slung weapons but Simmons stopped them. “No need, he is one of ours, Lothar Hex, a “Mercenary” for Eastwoods team.” The weasel says whilst the team stands down. “Bout time the thing got here, now if you don’t mind I’d appreciate if you get out so I can get in.” Simmons gave a “ahem” notion as Lothar eyed him “Oh….these the new bloods? Bout time, staffs been short enough without anyone to tend to the bar, not to mention—“ “These are not those kinds of replacements Lothar, this is the Kill Team we requisitioned some time ago, and I suggest you show a bit more decency.” Simmons said, holding the same tone. Lothar just paused. “…Whatever” he walks past them and into the elevator, clearly he had more important things on his agenda then to spend time with 4 characters he didn’t want to get to know. “I hope you don’t mind him….” Simmons said as Mitch put his hand up “Not at all” the fox replied, “We’ve dealt with similar comrades before.” Before walking on, Nat growled at the elevator “Is something wrong Natalia?” Silver inquired The feline looks at him, saying nothing her eyes showed she didn’t have trust for that one. The wolf simply nods “I understand…don’t be too hesitant yet, I’m sure he isn’t a bad seed.” Nat simply growled a bit as she walked past. Silver knew her feelings toward other cybernetic beings…. a dark past burns the hatred towards them, even though she is one herself. Silver watched her walk by; he knew her past, and he knew her hatred, but he simply stayed quite. The doors to Schaffer’s office opened, massive steal reinforced behemoths shuttered as they moved aside for the team to enter. The interior lay in darkness, the faint outline of the room was made clear as the lights slowly dimmed on. “Schaffer is waiting, just through the second set.” Simmons said before leaving. The team walked toward the second doors, pictures of past Commanders of the Inquisition, dating back quite far into the creation of the Mobian Inquisition. The team took some time to study the figures, valiant images and poses for each photo. Strength and pride by every commander…. it made the fox sick. To him, strength was gained by battle harden experience, by earning it through trials. Having a picture of a superimposed figured simply disgusted him. These men had to make themselves look good, to hide any mistakes during their time. Realizing what he was thinking, the fox shook his head, hiding those heretical thoughts. Tanya walked beside him “Nice pictures” she said “Yeah…these guys spend time on fancy pictures while good men die without being known.” Tanya looks at him, Mitch looks back “You’re remembering your previous commander?” The fox nods silently, “He was a good man, a brilliant leader, he did his duty well” Tanya said softly. “But he died in vain…he gave his life so some high ranking commander got the glory…” Mitch growls in reply, “he didn’t have to…” “He made you commander…he knew you had it in you” Tanya replies, trying to coo the fox’s anger Mitch sighed “Yeah…still...” Before Mitch could finish the doors before them opened as two guards approached, with a few head nods the team walked in to see Schaffer behind a large desk. The brown bear was eyeing the ground as they entered, fingers linked before his muzzle as the team stood before him. “Commander Mitchell, 707th Vulpine Raiders, 1st company, 4th Commando Kill Team, reporting as duty sir” The bear nodded slowly, a small grin appeared on his face as he unlinked his fingers and put up him palm in a gesture of greeting. “Welcome Commander, I appreciate your prompt arrival, take a seat so we may discuss the situation. |
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6:58 PM Jul 11