| Welcome to Exterminatus Now. We hope you enjoy your visit. You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free. Join our community! If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features: |
| EN fanfiction; fanfics of the EN crew on typical days | |
|---|---|
| Tweet Topic Started: May 16 2005, 04:51 PM (290 Views) | |
| Mechka | May 16 2005, 04:51 PM Post #1 |
|
Citizen
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Exterminatus Now By Yami27 These are outtakes and follow no story/plot line in general. Sorry if the characters appear to be a little OOC in this. I did write this a year ago. This one is humour based and sorry if there are any spelling mistakes in it. And sorry if the jobs they do are wrong. Hope you enjoy! :) Chapter one; Stupid Lothar It all happened one Monday morning when the house was absent of its owners when Lothar came in, when he was meant to be at work. He began to fumble around the house, trying furiously to focus. His vision was nothing but a hazy blur; whole rooms tilting on they’re sides. The echidna blamed it on something he ate, or drank. He had inevitably run home to find the pills that could ease the symptoms he was experiencing now. Still searching (having not remembered where he last put them), he held onto the table in the kitchen for support. Then the room tilted and he temporarily lost his balance and fell, taking the tablecloth with him. “Fucking ‘astards!” He grumbled, “da others ‘ust ‘ave hidden the damn tings!” He banged his head on the floor, as if he could get his brain cells to retrieve the information he vitally needed. Those pills would surely help. He picked himself up and stumbled over to the lounge. Then he saw Virus’ collection of pills and medicine scattered on the floor, (some which were hidden under the carpet, just in case cops decided to pop in for a visit). He made a mad scramble for them, began searching through the tablets. He picked up a bottle, knowing for a fact that he was gradually blacking out. With a valiant effort he tried to unscrew the lid. “Fucking ‘astard!” He couldn’t do it. He decided to smash it open. He rose it above his head, ready to bring it down to the floor when he just collapsed, and never got up again. Later in the afternoon, Eastwood returned home from another crappy day at college. He was dying for a cup of coffee. He hung his ebony coat up and kicked his boots off. He knew Lothar was normally at home before anyone else because he left work only. That meant Harold had someone to brag to when he got home. “Geez, I passed this guys earlier, Hex…” He mumbled as he waltzed into the kitchen, “he was a right wanker.” He stepped over the tablecloth on the floor and put the coffee-making machine on. He was surprised not to hear Hex’s lethal remarks and snarling comments. He was like that every other day. “Lothar? Are you listening? Lothar?” It was unusual for him to not say anything. Eastwood cursed. “I ask one thing from you! To bloody listen! And do you?” Then he wondered if he was actually in yet. Feeling like a complete fool, he looked in the lounge for him and saw the black echidna splayed out on the carpet next to a whole heap of illegal drugs. Harold mentally rolled his eyes. He must have been at Virus’ secret hoard of drugs again. “Lothar? What the fuck are you doing down there? Get up.” There was no response from the coal robot at all. “Lothar, you okay?” Eastwood, at the time, thought he was just too OD and had decided to slob it out on the floor. It wouldn’t have been the first time. “Holy mother of Tryus! How many did you take this time? Virus is gonna kill ya! Do you know how much these pills cost him?” He knelt down beside him, slapped him a few times across his muzzle. Not even a groan. He wasn’t faking, otherwise, Hex would have got up and blasted Eastwood to hell. “Lothar! If this is a joke I’m going to get Skippy to toast you alive! Or are you just doing this for attention?” He waited, and still, the cyborg did not stir. “Fuck, I know nothing on first aid. I knew I should have done but I don’t exactly want to bring such a moaning bastard back to life again.” Still nothing. Eastwood grimaced as he gingerly felt around for a pulse. Having failed on that and finding no heartbeat, he checked for breathing. Lothar’s chest was rising and falling in a steady pattern. He was out cold. Having no idea what to do and still dying for some coffee, Harold decided to call Virus for help. He was the expert on his own medicine; he knew what the pills did. Lothar had never done anything like this before. He had never taken so much, just to knock himself out. It was ludicrous, unless of course if he had got fired from his job. Virus got the call when he was in his van, driving over to his next stop. Delivering weapons to different companies wasn’t as easy as he thought it would, especially if they were all mad psychopaths. “Virus! Something’s happened to Lothar!” Eastwood shouted down the line like he was high on weed. “Something happens to him every day. Why should I care?” Answered the annoyed rat, “and I’m not supposed to be using my cell phone when I’m driving!” “But…” “Okay, okay. What happened to him?” “Well, you could say he’s taking a time out.” “What do you mean?” “He’s out cold.” Virus rolled his eyes. “Let me guess, you found him like this. He’s been at that new pub again, hasn’t he?” “I’m not sure. I think he’s taken some of your pills. They’re all over the floor. Looks like he had a job opening them.” “Oh…” “This is serious! What the hell do I do?” The fox sounded hysterical. “Hold on, I’m on my way. I’ll tell the manager that it’s an emergency. I’ll be there as soon as possible. He’d better not be faking, cause if he is, I’m gonna kill him if he isn’t dead already.” And he hung up. He was so carried away he nearly crashed into the car in front. He sharply turned a corner and continued up the road. Back home, Eastwood got Hex sitting up, got his arms under his and dragged him closer to the sofa. “Shit, Lothar, you’re so heavy!” He decided then to just leave him there on the floor and wait until Virus would arrive, however, it would take him quite sometime to get home. “I can’t believe I end up being stuck with you all the time!” The fox muttered angrily to the unconscious echidna, but then his confused, rattled emotions turned to worry. What if he stopped breathing? “Maybe I should call Rogue.” He said, “he won’t be long coming home.” While sipping his coffee, he called the cat, who was also busy, but claimed that he could get home before the rat could. Harold didn’t do much as he waited for the others to show up. He was a little ashamed of himself at how useless he actually was. Virus knew first aid; it was one of the first things he had to do in order to get his job. Rogue, knew a little. So Eastwood sat on the sofa, television on while keeping an eye on Lothar’s chest, checking to see if it was still rising and falling. Rogue got home a little past quarter to six. Eastwood greeted him immediately and escorted him into the lounge, explaining what condition he had found Lothar in. “Drugs?” The cat said, “he would OD himself?” Harold nodded, “and he’s been unconscious for hours! Even when I got here he was on the floor, knocked out, so I don’t know how long he’s been like this for.” “Couldn’t we just call an ambulance or something?” Rogue shrugged. “No, it would cost us. Plus, they’d charge him for drug abuse.” “Maybe he wanted to commit suicide?” “Lothar would never do a thing like that!” Eastwood yelled. “All right! Calm down!” Rogue said, “for now, let’s get him on the sofa. Virus will be able to sort this out once he gets here.” “I tried that but he’s just too heavy.” The fox wearily declared. “Oh come on, he can’t be that heavy.” Rogue got a hold of Hex’s robotic legs while Eastwood supported his arms and head. “On three, we lift him and dump him on the couch.” The fox nodded. “Three.” They hauled him up, got him on the couch. SilverSword blew out a sigh. “Christ, he is heavy!” “He needs to go on a diet.” Admitted Harold. A few minutes later and Virus had arrived home. After taking off his formal wear, he went to see the others in the lounge. The sky was darkening outside. It was getting late. Eastwood showed the rat all the drugs on the floor. “It was like that before I left for work.” He said, “Lothar hasn’t touched them, ‘spect maybe for that bottle.” He pointed using his toe at a bottle containing small, white pills with the lid unscrewed from its top. “So if he didn’t take your pills, then what did he take?” Asked Harold. “Too much booze?” Rogue asked, “or he probably had some weed. We’ve been trying to get him off that stuff for months.” “Have you tried everything to wake him?” The rat wanted to know. “No, not really.” Rogue looked down at the echidna, “he might try to kill us if we did.” The rat sighed. “I’ve never met such a useless bunch of morans.” He went into the bathroom, filled a cup full of water. Then he went over to Lothar and poured the water over his face. At once, the echidna shot up to a sitting position, eyes wide in surprise. “Welcome back, Hex.” Said the rat calmly as if he were speaking to a rock. “What the fuck happened?” Lothar mumbled, rubbing his sore head, “and who threw water at me?” “I did.” Retorted Virus, “Eastwood said he found you unconscious on the carpet next to the tablets. What did you do to get you into this mess?” The disorientated echidna rubbed his eyes, “when?” “This afternoon. Don’t you remember?” “What the fuck happened to you, Hex?” Harold cried, “did you take any of those drugs?” Lothar shook his head. “I remember now. I didn’t take any but I wanted to. Couldn’t get the damn bottle open. Must have been glued shut.” “So, if it wasn’t the pills, then what did you do?” Rogue asked. “Fuck with these questions!” Lothar sneered at them, “I’ll tell you everything I know. It’s actually, rather embarrassing.” “Go on.” Virus urged him, sitting himself next to him. “Well,” began the echidna, “it all started when I went to this pub. I bunked work. I didn’t feel like going. Anyway, I had bought this new drug and I wanted to spike somebody’s drink with it.” “Here we go.” Eastwood muttered. “So,” Hex continued, “I put it in this cider some dingo was having. I laughed. He wouldn’t know a thing! Then I started playing a card game with him and some other wannabes. Turns out I won a game and he said he would get me a drink. That bastard gave me the spiked one!” The other three burst out laughing. “Gee, Lothar, that is embarrassing!” The cat giggled. “Oh go shove a garden hose through your stomach.” Huffed Lothar, arms crossed. “I did run home. Thought I’d pass out sooner or later. Tried to take Virus’ stupid medicine. I blacked out anyway.” “Oh Gods I think I burst a gut!” Virus howled. “Man, Lothar, you really are a dumbass!” Said Eastwood with a grin. Lothar just said there, growling. |
![]() |
|
| RedFox742 | May 16 2005, 05:20 PM Post #2 |
|
Obama's got a gun...
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Hmm. It's okay, I suppose; possibly lukewarm praise in return for your enthusiastic endorsement of Dire Peril, but I think that this can be improved. For one, the grammar (while better than quite a lot of stuff you can find on the web) still falls apart quite often, making for a choppy read. For another... I just didn't find it that funny, except for a few isolated lines. Literary humor is very difficult; I don't profess to be a master of the art, but often stories that would be amusing when told to a friend don't come off so hilarious in written form. I think you managed to at least come close to the personalities, and the dialogue is fairly on-target. The descriptions are pretty good as well; you clearly know the symptoms of someone who overdosed on substances. I just didn't find it that interesting... Lothar passes out, and everyone panics for a few hours until someone has the genius idea of trying cold water. Funny, perhaps, but I wasn't sure that the fact that they waited that long for such a basic idea was used in the right way to provoke a laugh. As for their jobs, Harry and Virus are Inquisitors; Lothar is a mercenary working with the Inquisition and Rogue is a daemon hunter currently working freelance with the Inquisition. They're not really truck drivers or anything, though it's an interesting thought. I suppose if Schaefer were understaffed, Virus would be the first person he'd assign to the task. So, not bad. I think if you wrote this a year ago, you should try another one and see if it comes out a lot better. Focus on punctuation, especially around quotes; also capitalization and semicolon/period usage. Looking forward to another go! |
![]() |
|
| Silversword | May 16 2005, 05:29 PM Post #3 |
|
your soul is mine
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
ô.o |
![]() |
|
| RedFox742 | May 16 2005, 05:33 PM Post #4 |
|
Obama's got a gun...
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Oh, uh, yeah, I might also mention that Rogue and Silversword are not the same person. |
![]() |
|
| Lothar Hex | May 16 2005, 10:13 PM Post #5 |
|
Illogical
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Please use insults that at least MAKE SENSE. |
![]() |
|
| Mechka | May 17 2005, 07:59 AM Post #6 |
|
Citizen
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
Thanks so much Redfox and everyone else for the comments! Yeah, it was a one off chapter and the ending was rather pointless. Is my grammer really that bad? Yeah, and the insults were pretty lame. And sorry about Silversword's name poppinh up. Tried to get rid of all traces cuz when i did this fic a year ago (cuz i was so dense) i thought the two names consisted of the cat. But before i submitted this fic i knew the mistake and tried to eliminate all traces. I guess i must have left one or two out! Srry! So yes, i do know that Rogue and Silversword are entirely 2 different people! And thx again for the support! :D |
![]() |
|
| « Previous Topic · The Archives · Next Topic » |





![]](http://z1.ifrm.com/static/1/pip_r.png)




7:23 PM Jul 11