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Ryu Hayabusa is a Rubbish Ninja; A rant
Topic Started: Feb 28 2005, 11:14 AM (395 Views)
Exu
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Der-Der-Der-DERRRP!
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I'm bored, and so have decided to do an eventually lengthy rant about why there is something wrong with Ryu Hayabusa. Please note that this is all intended in jest, I am (currently) really, REALLY bored! I'll begin by posting (from Word) the start now. WARNING: Ninja Gaiden spoilers a-plenty!

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You may have heard of self-proclaimed ninja Ryu Hayabusa. He is the modern-day descendant of the Dragon lineage, wielder of the Dragon Sword, and former protector of the Dark Dragon Blade. He’s also starred in seven games, four as the main character of the Ninja Gaiden series, and three as a fighter in the Dead or Alive series.

Our rant begins with the highly rated Xbox game Ninja Gaiden. We find our hero at the base of a mountain, standing (in the open) in a tributary. He is wearing some dark, yet vibrant, blue pyjamas. I understand that ninja garb and pyjamas are not the same thing (Though I must admit, a ninja outfit must be quite comfortable to sleep in, unless it’s one like Ryu’s other one, which I will be getting to later…) Now the general environment is bright and grey, light bounces off the rock face, and the gentle flow of water below him. He already sticks out like a sore thumb! Yes, it does get worse. He now begins to run forwards. You may think that is completely normal, even for a ninja, but please just remember he is standing in water. When impacted, water likes to splash. Splashes like to make noise; do you get the idea yet?

Soon enough, he is spotted by two other weak (Yet ultimately better at hiding) ninjas, clothed in brown. Brown may be disputed as not being a good ninja colour, and dark blue may well be argued as, at least, better. In the daytime however, a ninja wearing brown could easily hide behind a tree, or something. Also, jumping out into the open isn’t very ‘ninja’, but since they are fighting Ryu Hayabusa, I’ll let that go. Here is where Mr. Hayabusa kills them with his legendary “Dragon Sword”. Another point, if that weapon is so “legendary”, why the fuck was he entrusted with it? How he does not manage to “mislay” it is beyond me.

So he manages to make it up the mountain, and is faced with a ninja fortress. He fights some equally good-at-hiding ninjas, killing them. Then he finds a statue. This statue incidentally is missing its mouth, and in its hand rests a key to a locked door. Why not just rip the key from the hand? Ryu has to take the long way round and find the “Fangs of the Samurai”, to open the hand. Moron. He must have dropped school for his ninja training classes (Twice a week, £3.50 on entry, £2.50 for Adolescents, kids go free! This week’s classes: Ninpo, and how to use The Art of the Fire Wheels without getting first degree burns!). Personally, I’d want my money back

During all this, he will have fought ninjas dressed in white. Yes, WHITE. Why the fuck would a ninja even contemplate wearing white? It’s just morally wrong, and stupid. The argument “But the environment is light grey and they could hide” could be made here, but even then, a white ninja is still extremely visible. After seeing these guys, you may begin to think that Ryu isn’t THAT bad after all. Trust me, it gets worse still. Once he has got to the top and defeated his old “Friend”, Murai, he is told by Ayane (Cameo’d!) that his village is under attack. The Dark Dragon Blade is there. And he isn’t. Don’t you just hate it when that happens? Say “Duuuuuh.” gently slap forehead, run to village, too late, everyone dead, blade gone blahblahblahblahblah.

The game goes on to see Hayabusa getting "Killed" (With the very same Dark Dragon Blade, no less, held by someone with fire for a face.), and then somehow reappearing in a new suit. Yes, his pyjamas are in the wash, and he’s trying a new suit on. This new suit… is leather. A ninja suit has been made of leather. There are straps everywhere, and it is quite… lumpy. Even just tightening his gloves makes quite the prominent noise. It looks hot and sweaty, surely it chafes… he is wearing a fucking COW (Now that’s ninja)! Ryu, leather is made for two things, trench-coats and seat covers. Not ninja outfits! Ninjas have never, and will never, go out wearing what is essentially the main by-product of a Sunday roast.
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Probably more later (As this is unfinished), but do you have any ideas, or "Issues" you would like me to address in this rant?

EDIT: Added more.
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Lothar Hex
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Illogical
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And since when did games have to accurately recreate...well anything?

Its a fun (and fucking HARD) action game. So what if it dosen't portray Ninjas accurately?
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Exu
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Der-Der-Der-DERRRP!
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This is intended as a joke, Lothar. Ninja Gaiden is a fun and hard game, I'm just removing the Michael (with a petal-adorned Kunai).
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Hercule Pyro
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You've done some terrible things, Mister Harry
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Lothar Hex,Feb 28 2005
01:17 PM
Its a fun (and fucking HARD) action game. So what if it dosen't portray Ninjas accurately?

You don't have a monopoly on rants, Lothar. :P
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Exu
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Yeah, let someone else take a turn! ^_^

Come to think of it, how bad would a monopoly on rants be? You'd have to have at leasy one detailed rant on a different subject matter EVERY SINGLE DAY. More tomorrow, toodles!
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Lothar Hex
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Illogical
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I never said I have a monopoly on rants. I'm just saying this isn't a particulary good one.
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Pyro
I have a small willy :(
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He's not a rubbish ninja, he's fucking awesome! Is that game really that hard?! I know one game that's even harder! It's Devil May Cry 3!
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Lothar Hex
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Illogical
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Which isn't even OUT YET. Stop lying.
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Pyro
I have a small willy :(
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You live in the UK I live in the U.S.A. It has been realised here, I laugh at you Lother!
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Hercule Pyro
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You've done some terrible things, Mister Harry
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Pyro,Feb 28 2005
05:26 PM
You live in the UK I live in the U.S.A. It has been realised here, I laugh at you Lother!

It's out tommorow, John Q. Fuckwit.
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Lothar Hex
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Illogical
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Pyro,Feb 28 2005
05:26 PM
You live in the UK I live in the U.S.A. It has been realised here, I laugh at you Lother!

Oh it's been realised has it? People understood the concept and made sense of it? How nice.

So when is it RELEASED, then? Smartarse.

And also, you spelt my damn name wrong, for God's sake man it's right there above my avatar.
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Master Shake
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Pyro,Feb 28 2005
11:26 AM
You live in the UK I live in the U.S.A. It has been realised here, I laugh at you Lother!

You're a shitty liar, sir.

And yeah, Ryu needs to swallow a folded-up frisbee before he continues to dishonor the Ninja ways. With his level of visibility, a Samurai (hell, even a pirate) could take him down easily.
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Pyro
I have a small willy :(
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Yeah, yeah, yeah ok im a lier say it... I just read a review and thought it was realised already... fuck no need to get pissed off.
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Hercule Pyro
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You've done some terrible things, Mister Harry
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Pyro,Feb 28 2005
05:46 PM
I just read a review and thought it was realised already...

I should hope so, considering it's out tommorow.
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Pyro
I have a small willy :(
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Ok now that, the whole despuit is over let's get back to the subject shall we? Ryu i awesome but that ninja chick from Nightshade or whatever it was called, sucked.
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Reknoc
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Ryu is the more graphically impressive ninja heh. But think the closest game to a ninja sim is Tenchu now thats a sad thought.
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Blitz
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A Twat...according to lothar.
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zzzzzzzzzz


i'm (shockingly) going to agree with lothar on this one...stupid rant.


rants are meant to be common sense attacking the modern world with a series of increasingly large blunt weapons until said product/ideology/marketing/toilet admits defeat and ignores you.





the problem with this rant...Ninja Gaiden = action game.

therefore

big purple costume to identify yourself admist the mass of violence is generally a must, esp against other ninjas wearing brown.

if ninja gaiden was a sneak em up like tenchu where the focus is not cutting and blowing shit up but actually hiding in darkness...then jumping out and quietly killing someone then yes purple is a dumb colour.


while your at it why dont you have a go at shinobi?

he wears white for all the early games and then puts on a big red scarf thats 20 sizes too big for him for the latest.

even worse he's meant to be a shinobi...the ancient japan equivelent of james bond not one man army of kitchen knives he is in the game.

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Pyro
I have a small willy :(
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No, nightshade a ninja that works for the govermeant yeah right that game sucked beyond belief
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Exu
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This is all I have time for now, but here's the next part:

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I will take the time to point out here, that Ryu is still the most graphically impressive ninja of our time. Also, if you think this rant is rubbish from what you have read up to here… please stop, now.

I am sure you are now all pretty clear with my opinions on Ninja Gaiden’s representation of ninjas. Come to think of it, a ninja is all but useless, as even if he is good at hiding, he will still be found by thermal imaging… and the subsequent bullets.
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Not so much Ryu, just ninjas in general, this bit. Come to think of it, this isn't really a rant, more a... what's the correct terminology?
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CyberShadow
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Ryu is too fucking hardcore to hide. Or wear an outfit that doesn't exaggerate his package (c'mon, it's fucking HUGE!).
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Lothar Hex
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Illogical
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CyberShadow,Mar 1 2005
01:15 PM
Ryu is too fucking hardcore to hide. Or wear an outfit that doesn't exaggerate his package (c'mon, it's fucking HUGE!).

Dude, codpiece.
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Master Shake
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Lothar Hex,Mar 1 2005
09:42 AM
CyberShadow,Mar 1 2005
01:15 PM
Ryu is too fucking hardcore to hide.  Or wear an outfit that doesn't exaggerate his package  (c'mon, it's fucking HUGE!).

Dude, codpiece.

Nah, cucumber wrapped in tin foil.
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Retrogamer!
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IT'S HERESY
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Exu,Feb 28 2005
11:14 AM
It’s just morally wrong, and stupid. The argument “But the environment is light grey and they could hide” could be made here, but even then, a white ninja is still extremely visible. After seeing these guys, you may begin to think that Ryu isn’t THAT bad after all. Trust me, it gets worse still.

How on Earth could it be MORALLY wrong? That sounds like your implying its against all the good and holy for that to happen.

Besides, Ryo rocks, just not in the same way as other Ninjas.
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Exu
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Quote:
 
How on Earth could it be MORALLY wrong? That sounds like your implying its against all the good and holy for that to happen.


It is!

No, this "rant", it's just playful. And yeah, a codpiece is to stop him being kicked in the meat and two. You know what a codpiece IS, right?

Continuing on from the heat and bullets statement:
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The moral of that statement is; of course, “Don’t attack an army base if you’re a ninja”. Of course, Ryu Hayabusa already did that. Fortunately, he was invading the Army of Stupid, blocking bullets with his sword in a Phantom Menace-style (Which I have no problem with whatsoever, as games and films never have to recreate anything accurately. Plus it looks cool.), then cutting army people into ribbons.
Now, though it is a good (and fucking HARD) boss battle, how the fuck is a ninja supposed to take out two tanks and a helicopter? Explosive arrows and tank shell cores, as it happens (which gives way to one of the best in-game cut-scenes ever, that fucking heli was asking for it).

Speaking of arrows, in the manual it is described as “The perfect ninja weapon, silent and deadly” (Or words to that effect). When used however, you hear this: “Thwip, TWOING!” now correct me if I’m wrong, that’s not silent. (Still fucking deadly though, so that’s alright then.)
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More soon, got "Work" to do. I've also slightly changed the part in my first post, mentioning Murai, Ayane and Doku.

Topics to bring up:
Visibility (Again),
Codpiece,
Joe Musashi.
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Retrogamer!
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IT'S HERESY
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Exu,Mar 2 2005
09:46 AM
The moral of that statement is; of course, “Don’t attack an army base if you’re a ninja”. Of course, Ryu Hayabusa already did that.

A Ninja's work is to go into others bases, that was one of their original ideas. Albeit just in a different setting now.

Quote:
 
Now, though it is a good (and fucking HARD) boss battle, how the fuck is a ninja supposed to take out two tanks and a helicopter? Explosive arrows and tank shell cores, as it happens


Well you did just say that games dont have to be accurate.

Quote:
 
The perfect ninja weapon, silent and deadly” (Or words to that effect). When used however, you hear this: “Thwip, TWOING!” now correct me if I’m wrong, that’s not silent.


Thats cause its right beside his ear, others wouldnt hear it.

Just as a wee disclaimer, I know your just poking fun, but I just love a bit of a discussion, no offence meant eh man?
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