
Long live Paxia!
| You have entered the Dynami Hive, intentionally or not, welcome. Just don't mess up anything and take off those shoes. |
| Mark's Sanctuary; Free admission. For friends only. | |
|---|---|
| Tweet Topic Started: Aug 27 2009, 06:00 AM (326 Views) | |
| Mark Chung | Aug 27 2009, 06:00 AM Post #1 |
|
ULTIMATE DOOM MOGLINMASTER!
|
Here's my work. There's some unfinished, though. Enjoy.
|
| Let it spin, let it spin, let it spin... | |
![]() |
|
| Mark Chung | Aug 31 2009, 12:59 PM Post #2 |
|
ULTIMATE DOOM MOGLINMASTER!
|
A poem for Malaysia's Independence Day:
|
| Let it spin, let it spin, let it spin... | |
![]() |
|
| DigDog | Aug 31 2009, 02:10 PM Post #3 |
![]()
Pantsman
|
I don't understand that part. |
![]() |
|
| Lord Crepe | Sep 1 2009, 02:12 AM Post #4 |
![]()
Ain't I a cool cat?
|
I gave my word I would come here and so here I am for a REAL MAN is a man of his word. I'm no expert at anything so don't take my opinion too seriously. For starters I'll tell you the same I told SI, titles are your friends, especially since you have quite large chunks of text there. In my humble opinion short poems can work without titles, long poems cannot. Since you haven't put titles you should have numbered them so it's easy to follow or just to comment on one at random. I'll do it in order then. --------------------------- I and II were fun. I liked those and have nothing special to say. I has quite the unorthodox rhyme structure but it's not a problem. ---------------------------- III is good to but some details bear comment: "Weary am I of the tumult, sick of the staring crowd, Pining for wild sea places where the soul may think aloud. Fled is the glamour of cities, dead as the ghost of a dream, While I pine anew for the tint of blue on the breast of the old Gulf Stream." Pining and then later on pine = not good. It's nowhere near enough to ruins things but in poems word repetition in such a short span is to be avoided like the plague unless the repetition is an integral part of the poems structure (for example when you start one of every two verses with the same word) so keep that in mind in the future. Also "the soul may think aloud" ? Meh, I'd go with something of a more lyrical verb to go with the soul but that's just me. No big. "I have had my dance with Folly, nor do I shirk the blame; I have sipped the so-called Wine of Life and paid the price of shame; But I know that I shall find surcease, the rest my spirit craves, Where the rainbows play in the flying spray, 'Mid the keen salt kiss of the waves." Nice, except "nor do I shirk the blame" ? Where's the first negative that leads to that "nor"? The rest is good, don't see any problems with it. ---------------------------- IV. I'M NOT READING THAT ONE RIGHT NOW THAT THING LASTS FOREVER MAYBE SOME OTHER DAY WHEN I HAVE MORE TIME. Even without reading it it's clear that one poem that long needs a title immediately. ----------------------------------- V. Pretty good this one. And I'm sincere when I say that. No further comment necessary. Huzzah. ------------------------------------ VI. "And the soup he took was Elephant Soup and fish he took was Whale," Here it would need to be "THE fish he took" otherwise it's bad grammar so correct that. "But they all were small to the cellar he took when he set out to sail," Do you mean "the cellar he took THEM TO"? Or it's just an absurd detail and he's actually taking a cellar around? Also, the correct form would be "all were small FOR the cellar". This sentence confuses me, can't say for sure if it's bad grammar or surrealism. Think on it yourself and correct it, or not, depending on what your true meaning is. "The cataract of the cliff of heaven fell blinding off the brink" If my opinion this would sound much better if it said "heaven's cliff" "And you can't get wine at a P.S.A., or chapel, or Eisteddfod," What's a PSA? In my mind it's Public Service Announcement but I doubt it's that here. "For the Curse of Water has come again because of the wrath of God," Don'like that "because of" it's....inelegant. Can't think what could replace it though, especially since you must not modify the rest of the line. Hmmmm. This was again really good. I dig the "I don't care where the water goes if it doesn't get into the wine" thing. Good contrast of grave circumstances and slightly comedic element. Dig the curse of water too. At first the food thing seems misleading in the sense that it lures you to think it will be a poem about funny animals and foods and then it shifts into an apparently completely different gear wih the flood's description and water and so on. Actually it's a setup for the overarching subject is " Noah only cares about his meal in the face of disaster" or something of the sort. The first part and second parts are just variants of the theme depending on specific moment of Noah's story. First part embarkment: he eats animals. Second part: Flood, he drinks wine which contrasts with the water. Plus it's a nice touch for as you must know since you wrote this wine and watered wine have biblical connotations. Blahblah, but you must know all this since I you wrote it, DUH! My do I ramble. Other than the part I mentioned with the weird possible grammar error this was excellent. Nice job. ----------------------- And that will be all for today. You're really good, power to you, kudos . Huzzah and so on. I'll be checking ou the rest some other time. |
![]()
| |
![]() |
|
| DigDog | Sep 1 2009, 08:10 AM Post #5 |
![]()
Pantsman
|
While I admire your commitment LC, I have to add that Mark is unfamiliar with the term "plagiarism". I dare to say that none of these poems were made by him. Because I'm bored I will list the original authors: #1 is a mathematical limeric you can find on 5k sites via Google #2 was made by Robert Frost #3 was made by Eugene O'Neill #4 by Lord Byron #5 by Emily Brontë #6 by Gilbert Keith Chesterton #7 by Rudyard Kipling #8 by William Butler Yeats #9 Oh look, he even forgot to remove the name, it's also by William Butler Yeats I wouldn't have a problem with quoting poems, but writing "Here's my work. There's some unfinished, though. Enjoy." is pretty impudent. |
![]() |
|
| Mark Chung | Sep 1 2009, 03:09 PM Post #6 |
|
ULTIMATE DOOM MOGLINMASTER!
|
Oh yeah Diggy. For your information, poem #9 has the name of the poet, not because I forgot to remove it, but to honour the poet whose poem has been used liberally in Malaysian textbook. And "here's my work" refers to the compilation, not the poem itself. Don't get it wrong. I just love to see what's Lord Crepe's comment on these poems. I'm just plain busy to go through all the poems or make new ones. Thanks for caring though. Ah, I just noticed that the second poem for Malaysia's Independence Day is not even the tiniest definition of "plagiarism". That's the one special, I guess. |
| Let it spin, let it spin, let it spin... | |
![]() |
|
| DigDog | Sep 1 2009, 03:33 PM Post #7 |
![]()
Pantsman
|
Oh, so your "work" consists of copypasting the poems from the internet into this forum? |
![]() |
|
| Mark Chung | Sep 1 2009, 10:23 PM Post #8 |
|
ULTIMATE DOOM MOGLINMASTER!
|
Yes, except for one. I'll try to make original ones in near future, though. |
| Let it spin, let it spin, let it spin... | |
![]() |
|
| Spanish Inquisition | Sep 2 2009, 01:08 AM Post #9 |
|
Killer Queen
|
Atleast now I don't feel bad about LC thinking your poetry was excellent and mine okay. Poetry isn't right or wrong. It's art, a painting with words if you will. Some people will like it, others won't. There's no right or wrong really. I forgot to add: Mark, if you post someone else's work, it is customary to give THEM credit for it by stating so (adding their name as the writer). |
![]() |
|
| Lord Crepe | Sep 2 2009, 04:03 AM Post #10 |
![]()
Ain't I a cool cat?
|
Great....what a shameful gaffe of me...*sigh* this is what I get for being nice. |
![]()
| |
![]() |
|
| DigDog | Sep 2 2009, 07:55 AM Post #11 |
![]()
Pantsman
|
Welcome to life. Heh, funny. I just found out this forum even has a forum rule against plagiarism. I didn't knew that. |
![]() |
|
| Mark Chung | Sep 2 2009, 12:08 PM Post #12 |
|
ULTIMATE DOOM MOGLINMASTER!
|
I'm so glad I didn't say "poems made by me". And I don't think I will, though. |
| Let it spin, let it spin, let it spin... | |
![]() |
|
| DigDog | Sep 2 2009, 12:33 PM Post #13 |
![]()
Pantsman
|
But you do realize that everyone except you thought that you actually made these poems? |
![]() |
|
| Liveman Ieb | Sep 2 2009, 12:35 PM Post #14 |
![]()
Something bad happened in Paxia? I did it.
|
When you start a thread with "here's my work", it usually is taken as "here is material that I made myself". |
| |
![]() |
|
| Mark Chung | Sep 3 2009, 03:04 PM Post #15 |
|
ULTIMATE DOOM MOGLINMASTER!
|
I guess I've learnt something: Vagueness is DANGEROUS. |
| Let it spin, let it spin, let it spin... | |
![]() |
|
| DigDog | Sep 3 2009, 03:38 PM Post #16 |
![]()
Pantsman
|
|
![]() |
|
| CC | Sep 13 2009, 09:29 PM Post #17 |
![]()
Advanced Member
|
No, it's the fact you copy and pasted a bunch of poems and called them your work. |
![]() |
|
| Spanish Inquisition | Sep 14 2009, 02:30 AM Post #18 |
|
Killer Queen
|
Thank you Mr. Two weeks later. |
![]() |
|
| DigDog | Sep 14 2009, 08:42 AM Post #19 |
![]()
Pantsman
|
Don't make fun of him because he's slow. No, I don't mean his physical speed. |
![]() |
|
| Mark Chung | Oct 14 2009, 09:08 AM Post #20 |
|
ULTIMATE DOOM MOGLINMASTER!
|
Meanie. |
| Let it spin, let it spin, let it spin... | |
![]() |
|
| Liveman Ieb | Oct 15 2009, 07:11 AM Post #21 |
![]()
Something bad happened in Paxia? I did it.
|
But 2 weeks is rather fast in Hive-frequency. 2 months is a tad slow. A year is slow. Two years, "what". |
| |
![]() |
|
| DigDog | Oct 15 2009, 07:44 AM Post #22 |
![]()
Pantsman
|
That means Mark was pretty fast with his "Meanie" reply one month later. |
![]() |
|
| Liveman Ieb | Oct 15 2009, 07:55 AM Post #23 |
![]()
Something bad happened in Paxia? I did it.
|
Debatably so. |
| |
![]() |
|
| 1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous) | |
|
|
| « Previous Topic · Poems · Next Topic » |
| Theme: Haunted Robo | Track Topic · E-mail Topic | 12:34 AM Jul 11 |










