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| SI's Nonsense; Random things | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Aug 10 2009, 01:29 AM (212 Views) | |
| Spanish Inquisition | Aug 10 2009, 01:29 AM Post #1 |
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Killer Queen
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My works (some in progress) from the other graveyard. I've separated each work by quote tags. I welcome feedback.
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| Lord Crepe | Aug 31 2009, 12:53 AM Post #2 |
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Ain't I a cool cat?
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Oookie, I'm a bit tired but I promised I would check this out before monday and I'M GOING TO DO IT. I'm surprised nobody has commented on this yet, you being the clan's now official woman one would think they would jump on the chance. Bah, once they see a real man has dared they'll just want to steal my thunder. But hey, if it increases feedback it's good for ya, hmm? Once again I have to be the greater man. But enough rambling about myself anyway. To the critique mobile! LORD CREPE'S OPPURTUNE AND INTELLIGENT CRITIQUE OF SI'S WORKS Part I. General impressions: - Next time put number tags or something, it's hard to follow. I'll be doing this in order then. -Titles are your friend. This is not Haiku and even though there are indeed times when it' best to leave a certain ambiguity and the reader to figure things out for himself , there are also times when titles help the flow, epecially in very long or very short poems. I'll point out which ones needed a title the most in my opinion. -Variety of themes: Although all these work as standalones when put together one can't help but notice certain patterns of ideas, themes and writing. You should write about completely different things if only for practice and versatility's sake. -I may be wrong with this but it would seem you are one of those writers that likes to play with words and experiment how they look together, worried more about their aesthetics than about meaning. This is actually not a flaw, it's just a choice of style and I tend to do that myself in my humble writings. It can be pulled of. On to each one then! ---------------------- I. “Awaken, to a world of forgotten realities. A land of divulging promises “ At first I was going to point out it's a contradiction but it actually works with some mental acrobatics. Whether I'm just being to kind and finding excuses or it really does work, it's clear that this one is the kind of poem only 1 % of the population will get. And no in the “wow, how should interpret the artist's vision” but “I haven't the foggiest of what she's talking about”. “Awaken, to a world of forgotten realities. A land of divulging promises, mirrored realities and lavish wishes” Realities, realites same word in two sentences adjacent to each other = not good. “The thoughts of those who once created an existence that increased their own. “ Now that's some nifty writing right there, I like that very much. Still yet again one that not much people will get. Heck even I might be interpreting it incorrectly. “Living in a dream state of wishful thinking and broken promises. “ Feels like you're paraphrasing the first two sentences in a way. In my opinion you could very well delete this one and it would work. “They engorge themselves in the mind’s desires, not forsaken within their own reality, but existing only in that which they believe to be the soul of what one’s heart truly wants. “ Again a part I like lots BUT there's the world reality again, to save me sometime I'll say right away there's wayy too much use of the word “reality”. I see where you're going with this, A tale called “dreams” with a predominance of the world reality has its flair, the problem is that you use it every other sentence. To work you would need to either spread out the word a little more, use synonyms of some kind or have a just as frequent use of the word dream as opposed to reality so there is kind of a meta-text cadence to it REality/dreams. And as for the present sentence you could have purged “reality” altogether, watch: “They engorge themselves in the mind’s desires, existing only in that which they believe to be the soul of what one’s heart truly wants. “ More streamlined and since the sentence's structure was a bit complex it simplifies it. “Occasionally these dreams take on a harsher reality. One skewed by the terrors of the outside world. Plagued by the deepest darkest memoirs of a fiction writer’s essence, a producer of nightmares, and the sweet convergence of pain. It tears at your heart and attempts to snap you into a reality of fear. Your fate is no more than what you make of yourself within these dark incarnations.” The expression “reality of fear” should be easy enough to replace. Other than that no problems here. The phrasing is a bit convoluted but again that's a choice of style. “producer” of nightmares is a bit mundane a term though, “weaver of horrors forever unamed” would be too cliched but you get the idea. Even if you keep a producer of nightmares the “a” has to go. Final verdict: Good but needs lots of work. The last too lines are perfect as is. ---------------------------------------- II. Pretty good except for “Encircling the swirling flecks of the life once known. “ The problem is the verb Encircling. Replace it with “encircled by” and all good. Here's the reasoning: "Standing on the edge of reason....life once known". Setup: Man on the receiving end of things, tempted. Even if the verbs are not always in passive form, the mood sure is. “I pause and reflect, scorned by my own harsh reality.” Transition: something is about to happen. “Accepting the way things should be are not Always the way they will, I move on. “ Conclusion: starts with a passive verb “accepting” ends with I move on. Wraps up and sums the whole things bang bang. So the point was, “encircling” is too active a verb in the supposedly “passive, martyr on the receiving end of things” section. But admittedly it's just a minuscule detail. This one's very good. Final verdict: Huzzah --------------------------------------- III This needs a title, urgently. It's good but there's no clue of what is going on.. In fact you don't need to make things any clearer with a title. You could very well name it “the apple fell from the tree of canned sorrows” and make it surreal. But it needs a title to provide some (mis)leading idea. Also, I cannot say I'm thrilled by your poetic torture of gentlemen. Final verdict: Don't torture gentlemen.... Huzzah? --------------------------------------------------- IV.I like this one and I don't see any major problems so I'll just be pointing out the especially good parts . "The street is empty, late it be Only the sewer smoke and me The voices laugh at my disgrace A crazy man now in this place" I'd replace “in this place” for “in HIS place” but maybe that just me and mayybe it doesn't work with what you want to convey. "Mocking, screaming, taunting, sorrow" I dig the abrupt introduction of “sorrow” there The AABB rhyme structure is a bit simplistic but it works. Final verdict: Nice! ------------------------------ More to come and comments on Mark Chung's work too (because we are all bro's!) |
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| Spanish Inquisition | Sep 1 2009, 12:03 AM Post #3 |
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Killer Queen
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Heh, you think I want to make it easy for you? No. :P
I'm not sure why I haven't titled anything. Granted, half of it is just ramblings, the other half is still in progress.
I've got a lot more somewhere. I just didn't post them here. Hey, I'm open to ideas though...feel free to suggest if you wish. :D
I suppose so. I really just write whatever comes out on the paper. I know when I get an idea. I don't think about these things. I just let my fingers type and whatever comes out, is what it is. Was there a specific word (or phrase) that you thought was paired funny with something else?
I'm in my own little world of awareness. You think my poetry is confusing you should hear me (attempt to) speak. I'm a bit dyslexic in speech on occasion. You never know what I'll mix up. It's good entertainment though. As far as the use of "reality"...I suppose I could whip out a thesaurus. Is it that troubling you think?
Hmm...if I take out "a" it doesn't work with the meaning. Maybe I'm having difficulty seeing what you're seeing (that I'm seeing). LOL. I suppose I could rephrase that line. It's what popped in my head at that time, though and now I'm having trouble rethinking it. I'm good at cliches though. II. Point taken, I have a habit of changing tenses in the middle of writing. I always have to recheck my RP posts to make sure I didn't go from past to present and so forth. III. Hmm...well, that was more just a random thought that popped into my head than a poem. I'll likely add more to it as I've been known to do with my random nonsense. It could end up as long as the other one I'm working on (the last one) which also started off as a mere 4 sentences. You'll notice there are a few like that. Same goes for those gems, hehe. IV.
I can be convoluted if need be. Just say the word and I'll whip up a nice 4 page sentence to replace it, lol...okay not 4 pages...but yeah. Sorry I'm a bit feverish today. |
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| Lord Crepe | Sep 1 2009, 03:05 AM Post #4 |
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Ain't I a cool cat?
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Ehh, I don't think we have the same....thematic preferences, so to speak, still I'll try it out if I can think of something that would fit well with your style.Maybe I can even manage to make you write one of the many things I'm too lazy to write myself?
Was there something funny paired with something else? Sure. But I don't mind non-linear thinking.
I don't mind non-linear thinking, at all. Pshaw and you said there's no such thing as non-linear thinking even though you seem intent on proving me right here.
Well, it depends. A second opinion would be nice on this. The poem is good even with all the reality. IMHO it would be better to have a least one alternate term OR have a better rythm of the word, as in repeating it at regular intervals, in a certain pattern. Anyway, either option would require significant tweaking. It's not very likely you'll be inspired to do such a thing. Better to leave it as is than to mangle it with half-hearted attempts at correction. Keep in mind, it actually is a good poem. You asked for a critique and thus I point out what in my very humble opinion could be improved. Considering I don't even aspire to writing poems my opinion is far from absolute. Just take whathever helps you, if anything, and forget about the rest. Don't forget though, repetition is generally bad unless it is part of a specific plan.
Heh. I actually don't see how it wouldn't make it better removing that "a". But hey you have the last word on your work. ------------------ That's all for today then. I'll be commenting on some more of the poems sometime this week. Toodle-pip! |
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| Spanish Inquisition | Sep 2 2009, 12:58 AM Post #5 |
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Killer Queen
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Don't hurt yourself now, lol. Hell I don't even remember writing half of these if that tells you anything. ;) |
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| Lord Crepe | Sep 2 2009, 04:09 AM Post #6 |
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Ain't I a cool cat?
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I WILL NONETHELESS CONTINUE AS THE DISTANCE BETWEEN MY WORD AND REALITY IS....a few days.....BUT STILL INEVITABLE.
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