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SI's Nonsense; Random things
Topic Started: Aug 10 2009, 01:29 AM (212 Views)
Spanish Inquisition
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Killer Queen
My works (some in progress) from the other graveyard. I've separated each work by quote tags. I welcome feedback.


Quote:
 
Dreams
Awaken, to a world of forgotten realities. A land of divulging promises, mirrored realities and lavish wishes. The thoughts of those who once created an existence that increased their own. Living in a dream state of wishful thinking and broken promises. They engorge themselves in the mind’s desires, not forsaken within their own reality, but existing only in that which they believe to be the soul of what one’s heart truly wants.

Occasionally these dreams take on a harsher reality. One skewed by the terrors of the outside world. Plagued by the deepest darkest memoirs of a fiction writer’s essence, a producer of nightmares, and the sweet convergence of pain. It tears at your heart and attempts to snap you into a reality of fear. Your fate is no more than what you make of yourself within these dark incarnations.

The time passes quickly, as if time itself is merely a figment of what separates us from the real world. Pawns we all are, to our mind’s deepest trenches, tormenting our very core. Fight if you must, but win. You are your own writer, your own fate. You are your own story.

Dream…lose yourself in your thoughts and drift away to a world where you can be whatever you desire. Reality is sometimes too real, even for the strong.


Quote:
 
Standing on the edge of reason
Taunted by the pull of the suspenseful bliss
Whispers of laughter now a haunting memory
Encircling the swirling flecks of the life once known.
I pause and reflect, scorned by my own harsh reality.
Accepting the way things should be are not
Always the way they will, I move on.


Quote:
 
His heartbeat thumps, the gentleman jumps
a moments rest now resumes
the present score, he screams once more
his pride it now consumes


Quote:
 
I know you they say to me
I look around but cannot see
The voices that are calling for
The man that I can be no more

The street is empty, late it be
Only the sewer smoke and me
The voices laugh at my disgrace
A crazy man now in this place

I run to hide, but quick they follow
Mocking, screaming, taunting, sorrow
Poisoning my tortured soul
I try to regain some self-control

The voices though, they win once more
I cannot take what they have in store
The pistol cold upon my skin
Quickly ends the pain within


Quote:
 
Thoughts agitate my deepest desires, taunting them to no end
Freeing my being to find what was lost amidst the raging tides of time
Like a river, flowing outwards through ridicule and disdain
Calming itself amongst the greenest shores of creation, I arrive
Not absent from myself, but a different self, a new self
Emerging from the cocoon changed…better, a new beginning
Things will never be the same


Quote:
 
Blink. For it is there.
Not what you see but what you don’t.
The veil of shadows, the perfect shield.
The truth of existence hidden. Proliferated.
Illuminate your presence.
Deviate your mind.
Imminent disaster awaits thee.


Quote:
 
impossible to forget, gentle sobs on the pillow
time goes by without a second glance
teary eyes replaced with deceit and burning inside
the world continues on without a thought about you
the heart shatters, broken
sometimes that’s just the way it is


Quote:
 
the darkness surrounds
engulfing you in caressing waves of fear
summon your inner demons
surrender to your thoughts
I have arrived.


Quote:
 
Crazy is as crazy do,
    Crazy I or crazy you,
    Voices calling deep inside,
    Without a place to go and hide,
    They surface each and every day,
    To taunt and tease, lead me astray
    The voices they all belong to me
    So sayeth the Queen of insanity.


Quote:
 
Madness stretches from the realms of my inner sanctum, pulling at the woes of times long past. It evokes feelings that were thought to be buried and forgotten, pushing my thoughts to the edge of insanity. Laughter erupts, not a jaunty laugh, but the type of laugh that causes goosebumps to form on exposed skin and leaves you wondering why you remain there listening. It is loose, no longer contained by social filters, by morals, by the binding effects of what others believe to be normal behavior. I am free, it is free. We are legion.


Quote:
 
Whispers in the tainted wind, the sun shines far away,
Crying tears and fate begins, to she who chooses to stay,
A wandering smile of pure denial, the victim of her pain,
A masterful guise of pure demise, lies within the blood of the slain.

She cries in pain, her heart grows dim; the beats fade down to none
She gives in to the darkness now, admitting they had won
She curls under the willow tree, to escape the one she fears
Blood seeps down into the dirt, swirling in with the painful tears

Her life was taken short it seems, the purity it shows,
The bloodless victim lying there, in death she now knows,
The creature she has now become, from darkness’s deepest realm,
Along the path of immortal few, the emotions overwhelm.

Realization settles in, her heartless corpse now weeps,
Her mind it wanders far from here, pure vanity for keeps,
She asked of him to make her this way, her feelings now have changed
The heartless killer she has become, demented, soulless, deranged.

The hunger growls from deep inside, to silence its lasting roar,
She knows that she must kill again, to feed the pain once more.
Hunting on a moonless night, she prowls along the trees,
In darkness she can pounce on him before he even sees,

The victim walks alone tonight, a deadly choice for him,
She crouches down into the night, his chances looking grim,
Flying death from darkness’s pain, the victim never saw,
The slashing down of evil’s grip, the gruesome devil’s maw.

She sinks her teeth into his neck, the veins they call her name,
The blood drips down from crimson lips, the taste that feeds the flame,
The burning deep inside her soul, it lights up once again,
The huntress must go find another, to kill the pain within.

The broken smile forms upon her pale forgotten face,
The jokers laugh inside her head, the darkness takes its place
She lurks amongst the shadows now, hidden from spying eyes,
Who will be the next to go and meet their early demise?

A familiar smell it purses her lips, the smell of blissful release,
A woman this time greets her eye, she hears her heartbeat increase,
The poor soul has such senseless hopes, her failed attempts to flee
She cries out loud in pleading faith, “Please…don’t take me!”

The pleading it does nothing now, a curious little thing,
She smiles at her feebleness, her tragedy to bring
She bites into the fleshy soft of heavens promising bliss,
Into the dark she takes her now, sealed with a deadly kiss.

The meals they suffice a bit, but quiet her they don’t
Her wicked taunting lust for blood, to disappear it won’t
The pull it draws her further in, hidden from the light
The insanity it takes over her, the mistress of the night. 

The souls of those she killed tonight now ravage her insides,
Her body dead though it would seem her conscience still resides.
"Woe is me" the maiden cries, into the empty night,
A lost soul now, forgotten how to kill with pure delight.

Her bloody hands now stained with sinful, vampirical disdains,
The woman she was now cowers at the beast that here remains,
To give it up and take it back, to live her life again,
To become the one she was before, the person who is within.

A tear of sorrow falls down her cheek and puddles on the ground,
The silent night is dead as she, nothing stirs or makes a sound.
To truly die would be to live, insane as it may seem.
The task is clear, the future dear, if only but a dream.

The song of injustice rings again, upon her deafened ears,
Resounding all the scornful thoughts, grasping at her fears.
A call from deep inside herself to feed her true desire,
A tasty victim, fresh with blood, that is what she will require.

She wipes the tears upon her face and races through the night,
To find the one that she knows, who can help her through this plight,
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Lord Crepe
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Oookie, I'm a bit tired but I promised I would check this out before monday and I'M GOING TO DO IT.
I'm surprised nobody has commented on this yet, you being the clan's now official woman one would think they would jump on the chance. Bah, once they see a real man has dared they'll just want to steal my thunder. But hey, if it increases feedback it's good for ya, hmm? Once again I have to be the greater man. But enough rambling about myself anyway. To the critique mobile!

LORD CREPE'S OPPURTUNE AND INTELLIGENT CRITIQUE OF SI'S WORKS
Part I.

General impressions:
- Next time put number tags or something, it's hard to follow. I'll be doing this in order then.

-Titles are your friend. This is not Haiku and even though there are indeed times when it' best to leave a certain ambiguity and the reader to figure things out for himself , there are also times when titles help the flow, epecially in very long or very short poems. I'll point out which ones needed a title the most in my opinion.

-Variety of themes: Although all these work as standalones when put together one can't help but notice certain patterns of ideas, themes and writing. You should write about completely different things if only for practice and versatility's sake.

-I may be wrong with this but it would seem you are one of those writers that likes to play with words and experiment how they look together, worried more about their aesthetics than about meaning. This is actually not a flaw, it's just a choice of style and I tend to do that myself in my humble writings. It can be pulled of.

On to each one then!

----------------------

I. “Awaken, to a world of forgotten realities. A land of divulging promises “ At first I was going to point out it's a contradiction but it actually works with some mental acrobatics. Whether I'm just being to kind and finding excuses or it really does work, it's clear that this one is the kind of poem only 1 % of the population will get. And no in the “wow, how should interpret the artist's vision” but “I haven't the foggiest of what she's talking about”.

“Awaken, to a world of forgotten realities. A land of divulging promises, mirrored realities and lavish wishes” Realities, realites same word in two sentences adjacent to each other = not good.

“The thoughts of those who once created an existence that increased their own. “ Now that's some nifty writing right there, I like that very much. Still yet again one that not much people will get. Heck even I might be interpreting it incorrectly.

“Living in a dream state of wishful thinking and broken promises. “ Feels like you're paraphrasing the first two sentences in a way. In my opinion you could very well delete this one and it would work.

“They engorge themselves in the mind’s desires, not forsaken within their own reality, but existing only in that which they believe to be the soul of what one’s heart truly wants. “

Again a part I like lots BUT there's the world reality again, to save me sometime I'll say right away there's wayy too much use of the word “reality”. I see where you're going with this, A tale called “dreams” with a predominance of the world reality has its flair, the problem is that you use it every other sentence. To work you would need to either spread out the word a little more, use synonyms of some kind or have a just as frequent use of the word dream as opposed to reality so there is kind of a meta-text cadence to it REality/dreams.

And as for the present sentence you could have purged “reality” altogether, watch:

“They engorge themselves in the mind’s desires, existing only in that which they believe to be the soul of what one’s heart truly wants. “

More streamlined and since the sentence's structure was a bit complex it simplifies it.


“Occasionally these dreams take on a harsher reality. One skewed by the terrors of the outside world. Plagued by the deepest darkest memoirs of a fiction writer’s essence, a producer of nightmares, and the sweet convergence of pain. It tears at your heart and attempts to snap you into a reality of fear. Your fate is no more than what you make of yourself within these dark incarnations.”

The expression “reality of fear” should be easy enough to replace.

Other than that no problems here. The phrasing is a bit convoluted but again that's a choice of style.
“producer” of nightmares is a bit mundane a term though, “weaver of horrors forever unamed” would be too cliched but you get the idea. Even if you keep a producer of nightmares the “a” has to go.


Final verdict: Good but needs lots of work.

The last too lines are perfect as is.

----------------------------------------

II.
Pretty good except for “Encircling the swirling flecks of the life once known. “ The problem is the verb Encircling. Replace it with “encircled by” and all good. Here's the reasoning:

"Standing on the edge of reason....life once known". Setup: Man on the receiving end of things, tempted. Even if the verbs are not always in passive form, the mood sure is.

“I pause and reflect, scorned by my own harsh reality.” Transition: something is about to happen.

“Accepting the way things should be are not
Always the way they will, I move on. “ Conclusion: starts with a passive verb “accepting” ends with I move on. Wraps up and sums the whole things bang bang.

So the point was, “encircling” is too active a verb in the supposedly “passive, martyr on the receiving end of things” section. But admittedly it's just a minuscule detail. This one's very good.

Final verdict: Huzzah

---------------------------------------

III This needs a title, urgently. It's good but there's no clue of what is going on.. In fact you don't need to make things any clearer with a title. You could very well name it “the apple fell from the tree of canned sorrows” and make it surreal. But it needs a title to provide some (mis)leading idea.

Also, I cannot say I'm thrilled by your poetic torture of gentlemen.

Final verdict: Don't torture gentlemen.... Huzzah?

---------------------------------------------------

IV.I like this one and I don't see any major problems so I'll just be pointing out the especially good parts .

"The street is empty, late it be
Only the sewer smoke and me
The voices laugh at my disgrace
A crazy man now in this place"

I'd replace “in this place” for “in HIS place” but maybe that just me and mayybe it doesn't work with what you want to convey.


"Mocking, screaming, taunting, sorrow"

I dig the abrupt introduction of “sorrow” there

The AABB rhyme structure is a bit simplistic but it works.

Final verdict: Nice!

------------------------------

More to come and comments on Mark Chung's work too (because we are all bro's!)
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Spanish Inquisition
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Quote:
 
Next time put number tags or something, it's hard to follow. I'll be doing this in order then

Heh, you think I want to make it easy for you? No. :P


Quote:
 
Titles are your friend. This is not Haiku and even though there are indeed times when it' best to leave a certain ambiguity and the reader to figure things out for himself , there are also times when titles help the flow, epecially in very long or very short poems. I'll point out which ones needed a title the most in my opinion.

I'm not sure why I haven't titled anything. Granted, half of it is just ramblings, the other half is still in progress.


Quote:
 
Variety of themes: Although all these work as standalones when put together one can't help but notice certain patterns of ideas, themes and writing. You should write about completely different things if only for practice and versatility's sake.

I've got a lot more somewhere. I just didn't post them here. Hey, I'm open to ideas though...feel free to suggest if you wish. :D

Quote:
 
I may be wrong with this but it would seem you are one of those writers that likes to play with words and experiment how they look together, worried more about their aesthetics than about meaning. This is actually not a flaw, it's just a choice of style and I tend to do that myself in my humble writings. It can be pulled of.

I suppose so. I really just write whatever comes out on the paper. I know when I get an idea. I don't think about these things. I just let my fingers type and whatever comes out, is what it is. Was there a specific word (or phrase) that you thought was paired funny with something else?


Quote:
 
I. “Awaken, to a world of forgotten realities. A land of divulging promises “ At first I was going to point out it's a contradiction but it actually works with some mental acrobatics. Whether I'm just being to kind and finding excuses or it really does work, it's clear that this one is the kind of poem only 1 % of the population will get. And no in the “wow, how should interpret the artist's vision” but “I haven't the foggiest of what she's talking about”.

I'm in my own little world of awareness. You think my poetry is confusing you should hear me (attempt to) speak. I'm a bit dyslexic in speech on occasion. You never know what I'll mix up. It's good entertainment though.

As far as the use of "reality"...I suppose I could whip out a thesaurus. Is it that troubling you think?

Quote:
 
“producer” of nightmares is a bit mundane a term though, “weaver of horrors forever unamed” would be too cliched but you get the idea. Even if you keep a producer of nightmares the “a” has to go.

Hmm...if I take out "a" it doesn't work with the meaning. Maybe I'm having difficulty seeing what you're seeing (that I'm seeing). LOL. I suppose I could rephrase that line. It's what popped in my head at that time, though and now I'm having trouble rethinking it. I'm good at cliches though.

II. Point taken, I have a habit of changing tenses in the middle of writing. I always have to recheck my RP posts to make sure I didn't go from past to present and so forth.

III. Hmm...well, that was more just a random thought that popped into my head than a poem. I'll likely add more to it as I've been known to do with my random nonsense. It could end up as long as the other one I'm working on (the last one) which also started off as a mere 4 sentences. You'll notice there are a few like that. Same goes for those gems, hehe.

IV.
Quote:
 
The AABB rhyme structure is a bit simplistic but it works.

I can be convoluted if need be. Just say the word and I'll whip up a nice 4 page sentence to replace it, lol...okay not 4 pages...but yeah. Sorry I'm a bit feverish today.
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Lord Crepe
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Quote:
 
I've got a lot more somewhere. I just didn't post them here. Hey, I'm open to ideas though...feel free to suggest if you wish. :D


Ehh, I don't think we have the same....thematic preferences, so to speak, still I'll try it out if I can think of something that would fit well with your style.Maybe I can even manage to make you write one of the many things I'm too lazy to write myself?

Quote:
 
I suppose so. I really just write whatever comes out on the paper. I know when I get an idea. I don't think about these things. I just let my fingers type and whatever comes out, is what it is. Was there a specific word (or phrase) that you thought was paired funny with something else?


Was there something funny paired with something else? Sure. But I don't mind non-linear thinking.

Quote:
 
I'm in my own little world of awareness. You think my poetry is confusing you should hear me (attempt to) speak. I'm a bit dyslexic in speech on occasion. You never know what I'll mix up. It's good entertainment though.


I don't mind non-linear thinking, at all. Pshaw and you said there's no such thing as non-linear thinking even though you seem intent on proving me right here. :tongue:


Quote:
 
As far as the use of "reality"...I suppose I could whip out a thesaurus. Is it that troubling you think?


Well, it depends. A second opinion would be nice on this. The poem is good even with all the reality. IMHO it would be better to have a least one alternate term OR have a better rythm of the word, as in repeating it at regular intervals, in a certain pattern. Anyway, either option would require significant tweaking. It's not very likely you'll be inspired to do such a thing. Better to leave it as is than to mangle it with half-hearted attempts at correction.

Keep in mind, it actually is a good poem. You asked for a critique and thus I point out what in my very humble opinion could be improved. Considering I don't even aspire to writing poems my opinion is far from absolute. Just take whathever helps you, if anything, and forget about the rest.

Don't forget though, repetition is generally bad unless it is part of a specific plan.

Quote:
 
Hmm...if I take out "a" it doesn't work with the meaning. Maybe I'm having difficulty seeing what you're seeing (that I'm seeing). LOL. I suppose I could rephrase that line. It's what popped in my head at that time, though and now I'm having trouble rethinking it. I'm good at cliches though.


Heh. I actually don't see how it wouldn't make it better removing that "a". But hey you have the last word on your work. :lawl:

------------------

That's all for today then. I'll be commenting on some more of the poems sometime this week. Toodle-pip!
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Spanish Inquisition
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Don't hurt yourself now, lol. Hell I don't even remember writing half of these if that tells you anything. ;)
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Lord Crepe
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I WILL NONETHELESS CONTINUE AS THE DISTANCE BETWEEN MY WORD AND REALITY IS....a few days.....BUT STILL INEVITABLE. :shades:
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