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-=Big Bad Evil Clan Story thread=-; Contest Story submission thread.
Topic Started: Aug 9 2009, 09:20 AM (194 Views)
Liveman Ieb
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Something bad happened in Paxia? I did it.
This thread is for submitting written stories, poems or songs(or anything of the written form of art) for the Big Bad Evil Clan contest. The contest runs from the 9th of this month to the 9th of September.
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Spanish Inquisition
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Killer Queen
Better late than never, I say. I got lazy at the end, but in actuality, it is probably what would have happened. Let me know what you think.

Quote:
 
Smoke fills the air and sets an ominous scene on the blood drenched battlefield. The only audible noise is some light groaning from defeated Aerodians and the sound of his boots hitting the bloody puddles as he walks. Tuss is stopped by distant yells coming in his direction. He throws his head back and rests his hands on his stomach as he lets out a jaunty laugh.

"These children think they can defeat the Indignation? I am a Manly man. I have a thick hairy chest and muscles to spare. I am strongerer!" he yells out as he props his left foot on the broken body of UltraPowerPie which causes Pie to whimper in pain.


"Moogles, ha." Tuss says as he wipes his dirt laced face across his sleeve awaiting the next battle. He flexes his right arm and watches the bicep pop beneath the tightened skin. The battle cries grow closer.



He looks to the East to see the rainbow battle flag peek over the horizon with Lucius the Unicorn gracing the center. “Lucian? Why not just send a bunch of furry white kittens? This will be a quick fight. On your guard Dynami…the furries are here. On second thought, just grab some yarn balls.”



The Lucian clan runs down the Eastern hill with Drummy in the lead, his face painted with pink stripes. Drummy turns his head back to address the clan, “Let’s go Lucian! We can…ooh a squirrel!” He walks off to try and catch a squirrel that runs in fear to a nearby tree.


Tuss can barely stand up from the laughter bouts. "That Drummy is a funny boy. Men aren't supposed to act like that! Let's see if I can help him out a bit." Tuss reaches deep into his manly toolbelt and pulls out a potion named Essence of Man. The directions state one drop will achieve desired results. An idea forms in his head, causing a smile to crease his tightened face. Menacingly, he sneaks over to another squirrel he sees and sprinkles the potions onto the squirrel's back.

"Hey Drummy, here's another one over here. I bet you can even catch this one." Drummy peers his head from around the great oak tree and locks eyes on the squirrel. Like a magnet, he darts to the intended target snatching the squirrel's tail before the furry rat knew what was happening. Drummy squeezes the squirrel tight and rubs it against his face while speaking about all the grand things they can do together.

Tuss looks on, anxious to see what this manly essence was. He must have dumped nearly half the bottle on that squirrel, surely it will do something grandiose. Drummy suddenly stops and opens his eyes wide, almost as if he's seen a ghost. He drops the squirrel and reaches his hands to his face which is now growing a thick curly beard and a mustache that even ZZ Top would be jealous of. Drummy lets out a girlish scream and runs away, the entire time yelling, "Now I'll never be a teen model! I can't be the most beautiful girl ever with a thick beard and mustache!" He pulls his pink iPhone out of his pocket and dials a number. Tuss overhears him say, "Mom, do you have some Nair? What about dad's razor? Tell you what, grab both and a pair of shears. I'm on my way. This is a beauty emergency!"

This is too much for Tuss who can barely catch his breath from the laughter. "Even better than expected. I'll have to remember that one. Welcome to the Gentleman's Club Drummy. We're glad you finally decided to join us. Two down, five more to go."

Tuss is interrupted by the screams of children. "Sounds like Igneus is here. I have just the thing for them." He reaches into the bag he carried with him and pulls out a Gatling gun...but this one is special. He reaches into the bag again and pulls out a huge bag of chocolate chip cookies, then another, and another. Each bag is dumped into the ammunition hold.

"Hey Igneus...I heard you like cookies. How about a few thousand of them?" He fires upon the clan, hitting some key characters with 300 mile per hour bits of chocolate goodness. His face can only be described by this animated gif. Posted Image

His shots hit Dragon Queen, Sacchi, DarkEternal, ShadowSypher, Poetic Melody (aka jominomer), The_Other_Guy_27, bballman23 and Sarriya as well as a slew of lesser known "legends" of the mountains. He watches as each shot is more precise than the last, each shot hitting knocking these wannabes off their feet. He walks over to the pile of bodies and yells out, "Hey bballman23, could I be any more manly and evil?"

He blows of the smoke off the top of the gun and begins to put it away when he hears three very annoying voices taunting him. "Who dares taunt the Indignation?" He turns with a raised eyebrow as the a vein in the center of his forehead bulges out and throbs. He glances upon The Random Warrior, Mark Chung, and jaketheweirdo. After a visible facepalm, he lifts his weapon once again, hitting The Random Warrior in the eye, causing him to fall while crying like a little girl; hitting Mark Chung right in his open mouth finally silencing the fool; and jaketheweirdo...he looks at while pondering why this person is even there. Deciding it wasn't worth thinking about he tosses the gun over his shoulder and roundhouse kicks Jake so hard, he flies across the battlefield and lands on Lord Asrius, who somehow manages a faint "quindeed" out of his scarred lungs.

Tuss glances around to ensure he has no other opposition approaching, and carefully places his Gatling back into its protective case. His attention is once again interrupted by a small group of voices, he turns and sees brianspenceni, 137ben, Archmagus Baron, Arctic Ninja, Chugg, and Cryogenesis. "Wait...that's all you have? Really? Come here for a second, I want to tell you something." The Indignation's face lights up with anticipation as he watches the steps of the chilly penguins of Glacius near the trap he has already set. Yes, closer...closer....

A series of screams fill the air as the ground beneath the Glacians disappears. Tuss walks over the the hole, and glances at the Glacians now entombed within the gigantic blender. "Who wants ice cream?" he laughs into the open blender as he presses a button to close the lid. With the press of another button, the blender dances to life, causing the ground within a 10 foot radius to shake from the sheer power. Tuss stops the power for a moment, looks in at the pureed iciness, and adds some large blocks of salt and a few large barrels of cream, humming as he does. Pressing the button again, they mix together making a thick mixture and finally forming into ice cream. Tuss stops the blender and glances in at the pink cream. "We'll just call it Exotic Strawberry and sell it at twice the price of regular Strawberry."

"Let's see...that makes 4 down, 3 to go. Who's next to challenge the greatest clan in existence? Bring it on!"

As if to answer Tuss' question, the battle flag of Geoto appears, as Erason, Lord Crepe, Oliver Bell, Bilu, Manga Maniac Archie8300 and tjd07 march behind in unison, each foot hitting the ground in sync with the person in front of them. Tuss says to no one in particular, "Oh look, people hungry for some ice cream. I shouldn't leave my customers waiting."

He runs to the edge of the battlefield and drags a gigantic catapult behind him. Pushing the button to open the lid of the blender, he scoops out a large amount of Geotian...I mean "Exotic Strawberry" and plops it onto the catapult, taking aim at the soldiers. With a pull of the lever, the Geotians receive the wrong end of an "ice cream treat".

The cream is thick, pink, and chunky. Tuss yells out, "Those chunks aren't strawberries by the way." Tuss loads the catapult again, winding it down to give ultimate propulsion before pulling the lever once more. He yells out, "You said two scoops, right?" while laughing at the sight before his eyes. The Geotians halt their push and decide the Indignation wasn't worth the fight, turning to go home and wash the "Exotic Strawberry" off themselves.

Tuss can't believe the clan chickened out that quickly. "Seriously people, people seriously. You're leaving? Meh, I understand, you are stunned by the gun show. The are rather intimidating." he yells out as he flexes both arms and kisses the biceps popping out from beneath taut skin. "Alright, that one was short and sweet...I need a challenge!"

Tuss waits, knowing that neither Nocturu or Nautica have arrived. After waiting for a week, he gives up on waiting, proclaims them all too chicken **** to show up and declares Dynami and the Indignation the Biggest Baddest Evil Clan.


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DigDog
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Pantsman
Hahaha, perfect. Even though I already knew the first half I still laughed a lot while reading it again. Just awesome.
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Liveman Ieb
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Something bad happened in Paxia? I did it.
I sort of laughed.
Have an usergroup as prize, you earned it even when the contest is over already.
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Spanish Inquisition
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Killer Queen
Thanks.

Only sort of laughed? I'm slipping apparently.
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