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-=BTN=-; Sweet dreams are made of this.
Topic Started: Apr 26 2008, 04:32 PM (321 Views)
Liveman Ieb
Member Avatar
Something bad happened in Paxia? I did it.
Unlimited Stupid Works by Giltia.

*Once upon a time, I was falling in love, but now I-*

Giltia: Shut up Darkshine.

*The scene opens to a long, oval table, surrounded by reporters. A meeting of sorts.*

Moonsaves: Somebody get the trainee out of hereÖ
Giltia: Shut up traiDAMNIT MOON! Stop being a reporter so I can abuse you again!
Goro: Everyone, please, weíre here to discuss a very important matter.
Rotten: Right, everyone shut up.

*Everyone shuts up.*

Goro: Alright, so, this months budget.

*Everyone groans loudly.*

Goro: Weíre spending far too much money on pastries. Look at you, youíre all getting fat! Pastries are removed from the lunch menu.
Jin: Objection! Iím not fat!

*To emphasize his point, Goro pokes Jin in the bellybutton, causing him to giggle like the Pillsbury Doughboy.*

Jin: Kay, maybe just a little fat.
Rotten: Next item we want to be spending less money on is cameramen. You all disregard their safety, and we go through about twenty to thirty a week. While most are drifters and donít cost us a cent, some actually had families. Compensation for losses tends to be costly.
Giltia: I suggest more powerful cameramen. Laser vision, super strength, built in surround sound stereo system, soda dispenserÖ
Rotten: Too expensive. Denied.
Phandiw: We could take a technological approach and buy floating robotic cameras with forcefields and laser vision and soda dispensers.
Rotten: Too expensive. Denied.
DG: So itís settled then, youíll all be filming your own exploits from now on. Next item?
R-019: Hold on, everyone! We receive signal!
Goro: Main screen turn on!

*The large projector screen turns on, a mysterious shadowy figure stares down at the gathering of BTN.*

Mysterious Reporter X: Hello gentlemen, you may call me Mysterious Reporter X. I will be your dungeon-master for this evening.
Giltia: Ass, we had a perfectly good ďmove every zigĒ going on there.
Reporter X: Yes, yes. Very good. But Iím not here to provide you with comedy. You are here to provide ME with comedy. Itís your job.
Giltia: Your point is valid, but I am still very angry.
Reporter X: BTN, hear me. I have taken full control of the BTN Tower. I have also captured your trainees. In exactly one hour, I will kill them. Unless you find a way to stop me that isÖ

*A long silence ensues. Obviously the reporters are contemplating how to placate this madman.*

Rotten: Alright, next order of business. Next Friday is Pizza Day. Suggestions for topping?
Giltia: Anchovies!
Moonsaves: I want bacon and pineapple.
Taz: Oreos and good Irish whiskey!

*Or not.*

Reporter X: ErrÖ hello? Iím threatening your trainees here. I have them all. Really, I will kill them.
Goro: Well actually, thatís not really a reason for us. You see, our hierarchy doesnít allow us to care.
Darkshine: Ahah! But you are incorrect Mysterious Reporter X! You donít have all the trainees. Youíre missing SZO!
SZO: Iím a reporter.
Darkshine: Or so he says.
Giltia: Isnít Darkshine a trainee now?
Rotten: Yes, he is.
Jin: We have only one hour to get Darkshine into the clutches of the mad Reporter X! Letís move people!
Everyone: AYE AYE!
Reporter X: Not what I had in mind butÖ I guess it works. Evil laugh time. FUFUFUFUFUFU!
R-019: Worst evil laugh ever.
Reporter X: Shut up, Iím new at this.

*The reporters swarm DS, hit him several times, then tie him up in a sack and head for the door.*

Giltia: A sacrifice to appease the wicked god!

*The door out of the room is suddenly blocked by twelve inches of some ridiculous indestructible metal that defies the laws of science.*

Tower Announcement System: Lockdown! Lockdown! OH SNAP COLUMBINE! Lockdown!
SZO: Well, that certainly puts a damper on our Mayan rampage. I was really looking forward to eating Darkshineís heart.
Reporter X: Did I mention that I have full control of the tower and plan on making it difficult for you to reach me?
Giltia: No, you didnít.
Reporter X: ErrÖ yes, I did.
Giltia: Nope. I never heard it.
Reporter X: I remember saying it.
Giltia: Not buyin' it.
Reporter X: Iím telling you, thatís what I said!
Giltia: Pics or it didnít happen.
Reporter X: Of course it happened! Why would I lie?
Giltia: To serve your own nefarious schemes?
Giltia: You stop trying to confuse ME!
Reporter X: Iím not trying to confuse you! Iím the one confused!
Giltia: What if youíre just saying that to make me think Iím confusing you?
Reporter X: BUT IíM NOT!
Giltia: What if you are?
Reporter X: Shut up! Down the hatch with you!

*Suddenly, beneath the BTNers feet, the floor opens up into numerous different holes, dropping the reporters down into the abyss.*

Reporter X: FUFUFUFUFU! WaitÖ fufu? Is thatÖ my evil laugh really does need some work. Seriously, fufuÖ

*We join Giltia in the dungeons.*

Giltia: We donít have dungeons.

*The catacombs?*

Giltia: No.


Giltia: There we go!

*Giltia searches around for a short time, eventually grabbing a shovel for use as a weapon.*

Giltia: Ultimate weapon, this early in the game? Talk about broken.
???: Psst, hey kid!

*From the shadows, a stereotypically Asian man emerges, wearing a trench coat and a hat.*

Giltia: Ömaybe not. First boss monster, the dreaded Yellow Flash!
Mr. Chin: No, I am not flasher! I am information dealer. Mistah Chin. You give me money, I give you information!
Giltia: And what if I just beat you with this here shovel until you reveal your information?
Mr. Chin: Because then I reveal more than you bargain for! Ohoho!
Giltia: Point made. Now, what is this information you offer?
Mr. Chin: I will give you secret information! Locations to hidden areas and special upgrades!
Giltia: Mister Chin has information that borders on illegality!
Mr. Chin: Very illegal, yes! Ohoho! You pay top dollar for finest secrets in game!
Giltia: Unfortunately, I donít have any money.
Mr. Chin: ÖBEGONE! I have no time for beggars!
Giltia: Can I start a tab?
Mr. Chin: Ohoho, no! Pay up front or no deal!

*With that, the strange Mr. Chin fades back into the darkness, leaving Giltia trapped in the basement all alone.*

Giltia: Actually, I can still see him. My eyes have already adjusted.
Mr. Chin: No you cannot! Do not follow me through secret passageway! I am already gone!

*Disregarding the Asian mans demands, Giltia follows Mr. Chin behind the boiler, where a hidden door is located. Entering, Giltia finds Mr. Chin waiting for him.*

Mr. Chin: I warn you foolish white boy! Now you die!

*Mr. Chin opens his trench coat. Giltia blocks by closing his eyes.*

Mr. Chin: What? You canít do that! That cheating! Unfair!

*Giltia hurls his shovel down the hallways, with his eyes still closed.*

Mr. Chin: Agh! That hurt! You havenít seen the last of me! Iíll be baaaaaaaaaackÖ

*Giltia does a victory dance as a little box informs him of the gold and experience he received, as well as the items he obtained. ďCool Asian HatĒ. Giltia equips it. +5 to Chicken Flied Lice.*

Giltia: Alright, letís go sacrifice Darkshine!

*Giltia makes his way through the secret passageway, and comes out beneath the deep fryer in the kitchen.*

Giltia: Öwe have a deep fryer? HELL YES!

*Giltia deep fries his hat. Aquired, Deep Fried Cool Asian Hat, >9000 to Frigging Delicious.*

Reporter X: Ah, I see you have escaped the confines of the dungeon.
Giltia: Basement.
Reporter X: Right, right. Basement. Anyways, if you want to know where I am, Iím at the very top of the tower.
Giltia: Dude, hold your horses. I have to find Darkshine first.
Reporter X: Listen, I know you were all really excited by the idea of killing off one of your own, but that was all a sham. I donít want your damn trainees, I just want a good old fashioned duel to the death.
Giltia: Boring. Change the channel! What are the sports scores?

*Giltia throws his shoe at the loudspeaker.*

Reporter X: Mets won.
Giltia: DAMNIT!
Reporter X: Anyway I can convince you to fight me over a vat of acid?
Giltia: Do it for $20 bucks.
Reporter: Iíll make it $30.

*Giltia hurls his mighty shovel, Gaiabreaker, at the ceiling, smashing a massive hole that leads to the next floor up. Climbing up the rubble, he hops through the hole and repeats the process all the way to the top of the tower. In short order, he comes face to face with Mysterious Reporter X.*

Giltia: No way! That was totally fair.
Reporter X: Come on! You didnít even traverse the Hall of Lost Souls.
Giltia: I didnít know we had a library.
Reporter X: I refuse to acknowledge this. Go back down and do it right this time!
Giltia: No.
Reporter X: Please?
Giltia: No.
Reporter X: Why the hell not?
Giltia: I donít wanna chance running into that Chin guy again.
Reporter X: Ö
Giltia: Ö
Reporter X: I guess that is a pretty good reason. Fine, final battle it is then. But firstÖ
Giltia: Great, here it comes.

*Giltia sighs, pulls up a chair, and begins reading a book.*

Reporter X: It all began back in my hometown. A little place, off in the hills somewhere. I lived with my mother and father, milking goats. It was a happy life, until the Storm came. Ten thousand strong, they razed the countryside. A bizarre band of creatures crafted from stone and lightning. They destroyed everyt-

*Two and a half hours later, Giltia is leaned back in his chair, the book over his eyes, snoring loudly.*

Reporter X: -the one name that stood out, BTN. It was easy to find out who you were, a newsgroup, or so you claim. But I know the truth. Devious, bloodthirsty criminals, all of you! An intelligence beyond that of mere mortals, and you hide it behind a stupid grin and comical references to Sesame Street. And so, I came to get my revenge! With these hands, I will destroy this ridiculous sitcom you call BTN!

*Giltia sits bolt upright at this, launching the book across the room.*

Giltia: Sitcom? BTN isnít like a sitcom at all. Itís more of a soap opera.

*Welcome to another exciting episode of BTN Center*

Goro: Taz, you know I love you with all my heart.
Taz: Oh Goro, I love you too!
Goro: But, alas, our love can never be.
Taz: Why? Why canít we be together forever!?
Goro: BecauseÖ Iím pregnant.
Taz: No! It canít be true!
Goro: With TRLís child.
Taz: GASP!

*Suddenly, the door slams open. DG rushes in.*

DG: Goro, Taz, you must come quickly! Darkshine is dead!
Taz & Goro: GASP!
DG: And I have cancer!

*Meanwhile. At the hospital, Darkshine is indeed dead, and ToC cries at his bedside.*

ToC: Darkshine, you good for nothingÖ we were going to get married!
Doctor Rotten: Iím sorry, but heís gone. Thereís nothing more we can do.
Giltia: He was a good friend. He lived a short, dirty life in squalor. May he achieve his Harem End in the next world.
ToC: Itís unfair! Unfair!

*The door to the room opens, and Moonsaves steps in.*

Moonsaves: There she is officers, thereís the suspect!

*Two police officers enter the room.*

Officer R-019: You are hereby under arrest for the murder of Darkshine!
Doctor Rotten: GASP!
Officer Jin: You have the right to remain silent. I have the right to hit you with my billy club if you donít. You also have the right to an attorney. Not a real attorney, but he did read a book on weird laws once.
ToC: But Iím innocent!
Moonsaves: Tell it to the judge.

*A month later, at the trial.*

Black Television Judge Phandiw: Order in the court, order in the court. I will now commence doling out the harshness.

*The courtroom goes silent.*

BTVJ Phandiw: ToC, for the first degree murder of Darkshine, I sentence you to twenty-four hours of community service. Thatís roughly equivalent to what his life was worth.
ToC: Iím innocent! Why wonít anyone believe me?
BTVJ Phandiw: Gorobei, for being both pregnant, and a male, at the same time, you are hereby sentenced to death by circus cannon.
Goro: Iíll go out doing what I loved! Entertaining a crowd of people I donít know!
BTVJ Phandiw: Doctor Rotten, for the crime of being the handsome doctor of this stupid joke, I sentence you to three weeks paid vacation in the Bahamas.
Doctor Rotten: Only three weeks? Outrageous! Iíll sue!
BTVJ Phandiw: Giltia, for the crime of dragging out this parody, I hereby announce to the entire world, that you really suck.
Giltia: Your mom sucks.
BTVJ Phandiw: Be that as it may, this trial is not about my mother. It is about DGís cancer.

*Giltiaís thought bubble is annihilated by a pin, bringing us back to the original plot.*

Reporter X: Enough of this, itís time!
Giltia: Now we kung fu fight!

*Giltia enters Swooping Chinchilla Stance.*

Reporter X: NoÖ now we move to a better location for the fight.
Giltia: Öwut?
Reporter X: This tiny room doesnít offer anything. I mean, kung fu movies always end in abandoned factories, or ancient temples. Always full of terrain for performing cool stunts. Like backflips off stone pillars, or fights on conveyor belts. Or epic fantasy movies that end in huge wars fought randomly in huge fields.
Giltia: Öis it really that important?
Reporter X: YES!
Giltia: Youíre new to this villainy thing, arenít you? Look, I know how you feel. Youíre thinking ďIím new at this, so Iíve got to show the heroes that Iím really serious, and not just some comic relief villain.Ē But this is BTN. Everyone is comic relief.
Reporter X: NO! Youíre wrong! Only you are BTN! Iím a perfectly realistic villain! I have the tragic past and everything! There is nothing hilarious about me! Iím fearsome! You hear me!? FEARSOME!
Giltia: Okay, okay, donít blow a fuse. Youíre scary. Ooh, Iím shaking in my boots. Totally serious villain.
Reporter X: Then let us go, Giltia Zero, to your doom!

*Reporter X snaps his fingers, and the two are instantly transported to a wide valley encircled by mountains.*

Giltia: How did youÖ
Reporter X: Mysterious villain power. Explaining it would ruin the effect.
Giltia: RightÖ so, what? Do we just start hitting each other, or do we have to wait for the announcer to shout something?
Reporter X: What are you talking about? This is a serious conflict, thereís n-
Announcer: Round 1, FIGHT!
Reporter X: The he-
Giltia: HAAAAAA!

*Giltia charges Mysterious Reporter X, and spams the leg sweep.*

Announcer: Giltia Zero, wins.
Giltia: Yeah, thatís right, you want summa this? I bring the rain!
Reporter X: Cheap! I call cheap!
Giltia: Yo momma called cheap, when she hired my services for the night. OH!
Reporter X: No more games. Now we finish this.
Giltia: Iíll finish YOU homeboy!
Reporter X: Stop talking like thatÖ
Giltia: Canít touch this.

*Giltia drops to the ground and does The Worm. Thus ensuring the lameness of any further replies by his opponent.*

Announcer: Heaven or Hell, letís rock!

*Giltia raises his weapon, Gaiabreaker, and stabs the planet. The Earth, reacting in pain, lashes out. A tendril of stone a thousand miles long rips itself from the ground and slams into Mysterious Reporter X.*

Giltia: Mess with the best, die like the rest.
Reporter X: Is that all youíve got?

*Mysterious Reporter X climbs out of the rubble, brushing chunks of stone from his shoulders.*

Giltia: Whoís being cheap now? Fighting Game Boss Mode is unfair!
Reporter X: You scared?
Giltia: Only of what Iím going to do to you.

*Giltia lunges at Mysterious Reporter X, swinging down his Gaiabreaker with the force of a giant, only to be stopped by a single hand. The earth shudders as the shovel stops dead, caught between Mysterious Reporter Xís fingers.*

Giltia: WhoÖ who are you?
Reporter X: You havenít figured it out yet? Giltia, I am your brother!
Giltia: So when I said that Iíd hired myself out to your motherÖ
Reporter X: Yes.
Giltia: Eww.
Reporter X: Itís over, my brother.

*Mysterious Reporter X delivers a Lightning Right Straight directly into Giltiaís face. Our hero is launched across the valley. Eventually he slows, and stops. Attempting to climb to his feet, his legs give way and he falls face down into the dust. ONE HIT KO!*

Reporter X: You were too weak. Or was I just too strong? No matter. This fight is pointless now.

ďI am the prow of my galleon.Ē

Mysterious Reporter X stares at the fallen body of his brother, and laughs mockingly. ďYouíre finished. Die with dignity.Ē He raises his hand to his mouth to stifle the laughter.

The sound of the announcer echoes across the landscape. ďFinal round, FIGHT!Ē The score is one to one, the final bout begins. The true battle starts now.

Mysterious Reporter X cracks his knuckles and glares at his hated brother. The one who lived the happy life he was denied. ďYouíre stubborn, you know? Iíll make sure you canít get up againĒ he declares, stepping forward.

ďWood is my body, and water is my blood.Ē

Giltia pushes himself to his feet, blood dripping down his chin. He smiles. Of all things, he smiles. A happy, carefree smile as he stares into nothing. His eyes are already glazed over with death, but he refuses to die. This man, this King of Zeroes, will never lose.

ďMy face has launched over a thousand ships.Ē

ďEh, what are you babbling about? What ships?Ē Mysterious Reporter X advances still further, kicking up clouds of dust with each step. His aura crackling around him. ďDid I hit you too hard?Ē Every step brings him closer.

ďUnknown to storms.Ē

ďHey, answer me!Ē he shouts, enraged by the simple fact that he is ignored. That he is less important than something. This fact kindles the flames inside him. Anger builds like a forest fire, raging quickly out of control. ďDonít you dare ignore me!Ē His pace quickens.

ďNor known to waves.Ē

He breaks into a run. Like a mad bull, he sees the color red, and it only serves to increase his fury. ďIíll kill you!Ē

ďI have withstood pain to craft many vessels.Ē

Blood drips to the cracked stone, and is swallowed by the earth. Giltiaís face, the face of a dead man. All save his smile. A mirthful, toothy grin that speaks of rising laughter. A simple happiness, with no rhyme nor reason. Merely pleasure for the sake of pleasure.

ďYet, those hands will never sail anywhere.Ē

Reporter X screams to keep from exploding, as he launches himself into the air, to come down from above and crush Giltia into nothing with a single punch.

ďSo as I pray,Ē

Giltiaís eyes regain life, reflecting the simple joy of his smile. He cheerfully faces the fist of his foe. Stares into the face of his end, and speaks his last words. ďUnlimited Boat Works.Ē

A sphere of salt water erupts from Giltia, expanding across the landscape, consuming everything. Reality itself is bent and reshaped into the ideal form. A reflection of Giltiaís heart. His truest self.

An endless, calm ocean, stretches as far as the eye can see, and farther. On into infinity. This empty sea. The sky is clear and blue, and the sun stands high above the world, casting its light over everything. The water shimmers beneath the two foes. Giltia stands on the very surface of the water, not a ripple forming beneath his feet. Reporter X stands up to his knees in this world of blue. A wasteland of sky and sea.

ďWhat is this?Ē The astonished shouts of Reporter X go unanswered, as they are drowned out by the roar of thunder. He stares to the clear sky, and then back to Giltia. The ever smiling Giltia.

The ocean beneath Giltiaís feet bulges, and a massive form raises up, lifting Giltia into the clear, clear blue sky. But as he goes higher, that sky darkens. Black clouds appear from nothing and cast their shadows over the eternal ocean. The higher Giltia ascends, the darker the clouds. Water falls off the object raising Giltia in waves, revealing its true form. A ship of epic proportions. The mightiest vessel to have ever sailed the seas. The unsinkable queen of the waves. Titanic.

All around, other shapes erupt from the ocean, churning it white with waves. Lightning snakes across the sky, and sometimes strikes down at the rising shapes. An unlimited number of boats. The final resting place of all ships. An ancient graveyard.

Giltia stands on the tip of the tilted Titanic, high above all the other ships, backdropped by lightning. He raises his arm, and countless ships right themselves in the water. He swings his arm, and they explode forward. Wood and steel, bone and skin. Ships of all shapes and sizes, all eras and nationalities, hurtle across the angry waves,to crush their target beneath their bows.

Reporter X shatters a Viking longboat to splinters with his fist, and barely dodges to the side as a pirate ship goes by. As his guard drops, a steel cannonball catches him in the side of the head, taking him down into the water.

Giltia raises his arm once more, pointing to the sky. Several ships launch upwards, into the heavens. Piercing the clouds, they vanish from sight. Yet more ships lurch forward to trample their target into the depths.

Reporter X flings a vessel off of himself, throwing it directly into an oncoming tugboat. He thrusts his leg in a knife kick, causing a battleship to collapse in on itself. He laughs insanely to himself as he destroys ship after ship. Tearing them apart with his bare hands.

His laughter is cut short as the sky opens up, and drops a nuclear powered Russian submarine on him. It erupts, and poisons the sky with radiation. Massive waves retreat from the impact site, crushing ships in their wake. Giltia stands on the upended tip of the Titanic and smiles serenely at the scene. Waiting for the dust to settle.

Reporter X struggles to remain standing. His skin burnt and his flesh torn, blood gushes from every pore. But still he stands. He hurls his head back and roars his bloodlust to the gods. And the final thing he sees in this world, is the Naval Carrier descending from space. Glowing white hot, and wreathed in flame as it re-enters the atmosphere. It crashes point first into the man who called himself Mysterious Reporter X. Several thousand tons of metal crushing itself, and everything beneath it without mercy. An endless wave of molten steel.

*We find Giltia back at the tower kitchen, deep frying everything within arms reach.*

Giltia: So, thatís how I saved the day and found out we had a deep fryer.
Bill: Quack quackÖ
Giltia: What? No, Iím not making it up!
Bill: Quack?
Giltia: I have no idea where the other BTNers are.
Bill: Quack! Quack quack.
Giltia: Well I suppose they COULD still be trapped in the basement somewhere. But my options are to either go look for them, or deep fry things to make them more delicious.
Bill: QuackÖ
Giltia: Obvious answer is obvious. Bill, fetch me that celery!

*Meanwhile, deep in the basement, we find the reporters all clad in dark, ceremonial robes, surrounding Darkshine who is tied to a pentagram drawn onto the floor with blue sidewalk chalk.*

Goro: Hear us, oh dark god, Mysterious Reporter X! We offer up this sacrifice to you, in hopes that you will bless us with rain for our crops, and the number of a good exterminator!
Everyone: Yum yum, thanks for the grub. Amen.
Darkshine: May you all die of dysentery.

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Liveman Ieb
Member Avatar
Something bad happened in Paxia? I did it.
Christmas special by Giltia.
In the middle of Summer.


*The camera fades in to what appears to be the BTN tower, sliding through the icy wastelands of the north, on a giant sled. A giant sled pulled by none other than the trainees*

Moonsaves: I'm cold!
Omega Shadow: I'm hungry!
SZO11: My nose is runny!
Himo: I have very bad frostbite all over my body!
Deadklaw: This tower is too heavy!
Besthedesar: The other trainees are too loud!
Mars: Are we there yet?
Seriyu: I'm cold!
Max: I have to go pee!
Jinwoopang: I've had two heart attacks since we started and I think I'm dehydrated!
Josh: I'm not even a trainee!

*Yep, those are the trainees*

Josh: I'm a cameraman!

*Close enough*

Lazarus: Mush trainees! Mush! At this pace we'll never make it before Christmas!

*Meanwhile, inside the mobile tower*

Giltia: Welcome everyone, to the preparations for the second BTN Christmas special! Wherein there will be much cameo hogging and cliche jokes! If you're wondering, we're on route to the north pole! Santa coaled us all last year, so some of us are moderatly angry. And now we're going to ruin Christmas!
Bill: Quack quack.
Giltia: Yes Bill, we're ruining everybody elses Christmas, we'll still be having a party. And possibly a small scale war with the elves. And by war, I mean "throw Goro and Darkshine out the window into the raging sea of short folk and hope they win".
Bill: Quack? Quack quack.
Giltia: Of course we had to take the whole tower. It's warmer in here.
Hatman: So, we're going to ruin Christmas. You'd think, that as a superhero, I'd have a problem with that. But I don't.
Giltia: That's the spirit!
Hatman: Though, for the sake of throwing a wrench in your well oiled machine, you're not going to drag this tower within siege distance of Santa's workshop without him knowing. What if he sets up some form of defence system?
Giltia: Oh, that. Don't worry, we're prepared for that! I've already sent in a spy!

*At Santa's workshop, we find Gorefiend! Dressed in bright green tights, stretched over his armor, standing along an assembly line next to elves who don't even reach up to his knee*

Gorefiend... hurt... from happy...
Santa: Who are you? You're not an elf! You're huge!
Gorefiend: Gorefiend hit puberty early.
Santa: Puberty my jolly round stomach! And what kind of elf is named Gorefiend? It just screams demonic murderer!
Gorefiend: Gorefiend hit growth spurt! Gorefiend not spy!
Santa: Oh? Then why do you have that two way radio in your hand?
Gorefiend: Err... Gorefiend misses his mommy?
Santa: And the axe hanging from your waist?
Gorefiend: Gorefiend uses it to make toy.
Santa: Really? Show me?

*Gorefiend picks a doll up off the assembly line, lays it down, and promtly hacks its head off*

Gorefiend: See! Fat man insult Gorefiend! Gorefiend valued member of society!
Santa: ...
Gorefiend: Gorefiend costume itches. Can Gorefiend get bigger size? Not iso bright?
Santa: Get out of my workshop.
Gorefiend: Err...
Santa: Come on! Hurry it up! I have elf slaves to oversee.
Gorefiend: Gorefiend have problem.
Santa: Yes, I would classify dressing up like an elf as a problem.
Gorefiend: No, Gorefiend have orders...
Santa: Really. Is that so? Well I don't really care.
Gorefiend: Gorefiend go to plan B.
Santa: Plan B? What's plan B?
Gorefiend: Plan B very easy. Plan B is GOREFIEND SMASH!
Santa: Oh darn...

*Back to the tower*

Hatman: Gorefiend? You sent Gorefiend? And as an elf no less. You do realize that he's massive.
Giltia: Exactly! Santa would never expect someone so obviously out of place to be a spy! He'd probably think he's retarded or something and keep away from him.
Hatman: As much as this may surprise you, not everyone is as stupid as you.
Giltia: What about the other BTNers?
Hatman: Damnit, now I have to forget they exist all over again.
Bill: Quack quack?
Giltia: Bill is right, we should go hog some cameos. Hatman, you go up a floor, we'll scan the ground floor for cameos!
Hatman: Does this mean I'm free of your stupid antics for a while? Oh happy day!
Giltia: No. Take Steve with you.
Rent-a-sidekick Steve: I get a large part? Does this mean I'll actually be paid enough to buy myself a card for Christmas?
Giltia: No. We're still paying you in immigrant money.
Rent-a-sidekick Steve: Well... can I at least have a share of the spoils when we invade Santa's workshop?
Giltia: No. But if you die, we'll send a nice card to your wife with five bucks inside.
Rent-a-sidekick Steve: My wife divorced me five years ago, took all my money, killed herself, my son and my dog, and left everything to the guy who beat me up in high school in her will.
Giltia: Sucks to be you then. Come on Bill! We have people to BTNers to find! It's like playing where's Waldo!

*Giltia and Bill run off*

Hatman: You are the most pitiful creature I have ever met.
Rent-a-sidekick Steve: I'm sorry.
Hatman: Shut up. Let's go.

*We find Giltia on a balcony with Darkshine, who's sitting next to a massive harpoon gun*

Giltia: So, Darkshine, what'cha doin?
Darkshine: Quiet! You'll scare em!
Giltia: Scare what?
Darkshine: The icebergs!
Giltia: The what?
Darkshine: The icebergs! Massive frozen mountains of death! They killed the Titanic! We must be ever vigilant!
Giltia: So, you're sitting out her in the cold for i-
Darkshine: THAR SHE BLOWS!
Giltia: Where?
Darkshine: The great white iceberg! It took my leg!
Giltia: But you still have your le-

*Darkshine fires the massive harpoon into the middle of the icy wasteland. Hitting what appears to be a small hill of snow dead-on*

Giltia: ...now what?
Darkshine: We reel her in.
Giltia: Indeed. But with what?
Darkshine: With the rope that's attached to... I forgot to attach the rope to the harpoon. Curse you white iceberg! CURSE YOU!
Giltia: Guess this is the one that got away.
Darkshine: Nah, it'll bleed to death sooner or later.

*Lets go check on Hatman and Steve!*

Rent-a-sidekick Steve: She called it small and then slapped me for even suggesting that she attracted wimps like me.
Hatman: You know, I almost enjoy hanging out with you. Your constant pain makes me feel so much better.
Rent-a-sidekick Steve: I feel so loved.
Madolyn: Did I hear someone say boy/boy action?
Madolyn: OMG, A CLOWN! Juggle some chainsaws for me!
Hatman: You keep away from my throat she-demon! I prefer to keep my neck intact!
Rent-a-sidekick Steve: I fear I may be in the way of an orgy of pain.
Madolyn: Chainsaws, chainsaws, chainsaws!
Hatman: Oh my god, she's already chosen the weapon with which to murder me!
Madolyn: Darnit! Juggles some chainsaws now, or I'll hit you with this here sharp sword!
Hatman: Screw it! You're on your own kid! FLEE FOR YOUR LIFE!

*Hatman runs off down the hall, leaving Steve with Madolyn*

Rent-a-decoy Steve: I'm going to die aren't I...
Madolyn: Can you juggle chainsaws?
Rent-a-decoy Steve: No...
Madolyn: Then yes, you're going to die.

*Well wasn't that great? Back to Giltia*

Giltia: Finally! This feels like a Christmas special.

*The room in which Giltia's standing, is filled with decoration, a massive tree, and Goro is singing Christmas carols*

Dark Google: No no no, you're doing it wrong Goro!
Gorobei: What, am I off key?
Dark Google: No. Here, we'll show you. Hit it Taz!
Taz: What's in it for me?
Dark Google: Pineapples.

*Several speakers begin to pump out the sound of a familiar song. When suddenly, BAM! You're caught in the middle of the Macarena. It's all good until Taz begins singing in a really annoying voice. I mean seriously, it's like nails on a chalkboard!*

Taz: When I dance they call me macarena and the boys they say that Iīm buena they all want me, they canīt have me, so they all come and dance beside me. Move with me jam with me!

*Everyone stands in perfect formation, facing the same direction, and in perfect unision, MACARENA!*

Everyone: A la tuhuelpa legria macarena. Que tuhuelce paralla legria cosabuena. A la tuhuelpa legria macarena Eeeh, macarena. A-HAI!

*Everyone pelvic thrusts, turns 90 degrees, and continues dancing... and Taz sings some more*

*Meanwhile, back upstairs*

Hatman: It seems I'm all alone, in BTN tower. I've lost my meatshield, and have essentially been left defenseless.
Cameraman: Uhmm... I'm still here.
Hatman: You don't count.
Cameraman: Whatever.
Rotten: HEY! You, in the stupid hat! Have we reached the north pole yet?
Hatman: Uh, no. Not yet.

*Rotten puts a gun to Hatmans head*

Rotten: Perhaps you didn't quite understand me. I asked you, are we there yet?
Hatman: What is it with this place? Do all the murderers hang out upstairs?
Rotten: Answer the question!
Hatman: Yes. We're there.
Rotten: Don't lie to me!
Hatman: Gah! What do you want from me? Money? I'm a superhero! They don't even pay us!
Rotten: I want you to answer my question! Are we there yet?
Hatman: No! We're not there yet!
Rotten: You might want to rethink your answer.
Hatman: Why! Why did I leave Steve behind!?

*Meanwhile, back downstairs, with Giltia and Bill*

Giltia: My ears may be bleeding, but there is nothing more awesome than randomly breaking out into song and dance.
Bill: Quack. Quack quack. Quack quack?
Giltia: Ah, indeed, there is someone over there! YOU! OVER THERE!
AppleJordan: I'm a new trainee.
Giltia: A trainee? But you're not outside pulling the tower, and your lower jaw isn't constantly being eaten away by corrosive saliva acid.
AppleJordan: What?
Giltia: ON IT!

*Giltia tackles AppleJordan to the ground, restraining him while Bill removes a rather large needle filled with green gloop from his feathers.*

AppleJordan: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!
Giltia: Teaching you that it is not okay to be a trainee! Quickly Bill! Infect him with the trainee mouth virus!

*Bill stabs AppleJordan with the needle and injects the goo, shortly after, the trainee is released*

AppleJordan: Ow, what was the point of that! And why does my jaw feel funnyAAAAAGH!
Giltia: There it is. This is trainee mouth. A horrible infection that causes a trainees saliva to become acidic. We'll give you the antidote when you become a reporter.
Giltia: Yeah, it tends to do that. Now this was your Christmas present. Do not expect anything else from me.
Giltia: Fine. Here, have a candy cane.

*Back to Hatman... damn. He's still alive*

Hatman: I managed to escape, and duck into this room.
Zenngah: Hi.
Zenngah: Nah, I'm not gonna kill you.
Hatman: You're not?
Zenngah: Of course not. But Binky might.

*A massive throne turns to reveal it's occupant. A small blue fuzzball. A trobble. Binky the trobble to be precise. One of the most powerful creatures in existance, a genius on par with Bill the duck, and possibly even more evil. Hatman is very, very doomed*

Hatman: Thank you oh wise and great Mr. Narrator. I feel SO much more calm now.

*So much doom it hurts*

Zenngah: It's true. I should know, it happens to me every day. See this bruise here? I got that from-
Binky: GRAMPL!
Zenngah: Err... falling down the stairs?
Binky: Mrfp.
Zenngah: No! Anything but that!

*The large orc nurse, Brunheia, grabs Zen and drags him off into another room*

Binky: Flmpr.
Hatman: Oh sweet mother of pearl...

*Lets leave this scene again shall we?*

Giltia: Hmm... it appears I have found the reporters lounge. How come they never told me of this before?
Samiskl: Somebody finally came for us? WE'RE FREE! FREE AT LAST! Wait, NO! DON'T CLOSE THE-

*The door closes, a slight click is heard*

Samiskl: Door... great, now we're locked in again.
Giltia: How long have you guys been in here?
Konichi: We lost count. I think Shadow's losing it.
Shadow: Trapped! TRAPPED LIKE A RAT! Rat in a cage, rat in a cage! Maybe we can play the maze again! Find some cheese at the end! HAHAH! Maybe they'll give me some gouda this time! Not that filthy cheddar. Who knows where it's been. Ooh I hope we can play the maze again!
Giltia: So, are we trapped in here or something?
Samiskl: Yes. Very trapped.
Giltia: Even though all that's keeping us in here is that flimsy wooden door?
Konichi: Oh, it looks flimsy! But it's actually made of five inches of titanium!

*Giltia knocks on the door*

Giltia: Feels like wood.

*Giltia licks the door*

Giltia: Tastes like wood.

*Giltia sniffs the door*

Giltia: Smells like Shadow.
Konichi: He got desperate and started clawing at the door. Did it for a week before he finally fell asleep.
Giltia: Must be five inches of titanium. It'd be too obvious if it was wood.
Samiskl: Of course.
Giltia: Anyways, I have more reporting to do. Merry Christmas!

*Giltia pulls a key out of his pocket, opens the door, and closes it behind him*

Samiskl: ...he had a key.
Konichi: Apparently so.

*Back to Hatman, who has once more escaped the clutches of death*

Hatman: This place is a death trap!

*A door opens nearby in the hallway*

Hatman: Why does this place look familiar?

*Phandiw walks out, Santa hat adorning his lower regions*

Phandiw: I'm just gonna get some eggnog. Don't go anywhere.



*Aaaaaaand.... SCENE JUMP!*

Giltia: And entering the cafeteria, we see that there is actually someone in here. Miroku! No wonder we havn't seen you in so long!

*Seconds pass*

Giltia: Miroku? Hey, Mirooookuuuuu. You asleep or something?

*More seconds pass*

Giltia: Ahah! A half eaten hot dog on the table! Pedro, did you kill somebody again?

*Pedro stares at Miroku from the other side of the cafeteria table, shouts something in his native language, and dashes into the kitchen*

Giltia: Shall we give him a proper burial?
Bill: Quack quack. Quack.
Giltia: Yeah, too time consuming. Hey, what about Aria?
Bill: QUACK! Quack quack! Quack quack!
Giltia: She scares me too little buddy, she scares me too. We're likely to die if we're the ones to relay the news. Luckily, nobody ever comes in here. It'll be like he never existed.
Bill: Quack quack! Quack?
Giltia: My lips are sealed.

*Back to Hatman, who has managed to stop the bleeding, though he's now blind in his right eye*

Hatman: I miss my depth perception. Ah! The roof! I can get some air!

*Hatman climbs through a hatch, onto the roof, where he meets none other than BTN's own little ball of random. OWIE!*

Hatman: Who are you, and what are you doing up here?
OWIE!: Shh... I'm the great stork, sitting upon my roost, from which I shall swoop down and eat all the little boys and girls like small painted turtles!
Hatman: You what?
OWIE!: You oppose my holy mission? FIRING SQUAD MELON BALL!

*OWIE! Curls himself up into a ball and bowls Hatman over. I can assure you, it's probably more painful than it sounds*


*Giltia, what have you got to say for yourself*

Giltia: Looks like the BTN Christmas plans are coming along smoothly. Santa won't know what hit him!

*Back at the north pole, on the balcony of Santa's workshop, Gorefiend is bound to a wall. His once green elf suit, stained red with the blood of many a halfling*

Gorefiend: Gorefiend never know candy canes hurt so much.
Santa: So, they want a war? Let them come. All troops, prepare for battle!

*The camera flys out over the balcony and across the frozen wasteland. A sea of green suits and shining steel blocks out the white snow. A great cheer rises up over hordes. This... this was war*

*To be continued, Christmas day... or maybe Boxing day. Day of boxes.*
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Liveman Ieb
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Something bad happened in Paxia? I did it.
^Continuing from above.

*The scene opens to the sight of BTN tower, sliding across the fields of snow on it's great sled. The scene cuts to several reporters standing on Darkshines iceberg hunting baclony*

Gorobei: This is it everyone! We're almost to Hawaii!
Dark Google: I think you mean Santa's workshop.
Goro: Hmm?

*Goro puts on a pair of small, half moon glasses and stares down at a large map in his hands*

Goro: The map clearly states that this is hawaii.
Dark Google: Let me see that!

*DG grabs the map from Goro*

Dark Google: Damnit Goro. We're not in Hawaii. We're in Cuba!
Goro: Does that say Cuba? I swear, the letter H looks just like the letter Q.
Darkshine: Captain, thanks to me you've reached your destination safely. No iceberg could defeat this mighty vessel with me aboard. But now that I have guided you safely over the frozen tundra, I bid you farewell. There are still other icebergs out there that I must attend to. Other vessels that need my expertise. Goodbye my friends. Goodbye!

*With that, Darkshine grabbed his hunting spear, and leapt over the balcony. Falling twenty feet into a pile of soft snow, and getting quite stuck*

Darkshine: I forgot my snowshoes! Can somebody toss down my snowshoes?
Goro: Where are they?
Darkshine: They're right... damn. I didn't make any snowshoes. Nevermind.
Goro: Kay.

*Darkshine begins backstroking through the snow*

Giltia: Good evening viewers, and welcome to the BTN Christmas special! We're just now arriving at Santa's workshop. He appears to be busy making the final preparations for his trip around the world. Little does he know what awaits outside his warm, cozy walls.
Bill: Quack quack? Quack...
Giltia: Yes Bill. A whole lot of Christmas pudding.
Bill: Quack...
Giltia: You know what strikes me as odd? They call it pudding, but it's more like cake.

*The tower slows to a halt suddenly*

Zenggah: It appears we've lost the trainees!
Madolyn: And Josh.
Zenggah: And Josh.
Madolyn: Doesn't matter, I have a new boyfriend now ^_^

*Madolyn bearhugs her new boyfriend... Steve? Didn't she kill him?*

Madolyn: I tried, but he didn't die. So now he's my new boyfriend.
Rent-a-boyfriend Steve: I feel so loved! Best... Christmas... EVER!

*I keep forgetting you people can break the fourth wall...*

Giltia: How many trainees where down there?
Zenggah: All of them.

*OWIE! flies by on a large kite*

Zenggah: All of them except him.
Giltia: Wait, what got the trainees anyways?

*Giltia stares over the edge into a sea of green elves wielding sharpened candy canes and various other deadly holiday weapons*

Giltia: Well, that answers that question.

*A large portion of the elf army explodes revealing what appears to be BTN's very own android reporter who doesn't report. R-019... or Laz... or LUKE USE THE FORCE! Whatever his name is. Needless to say, androids seem to come equipped with needless weapons of mass destruction*

Zenggah: All of them and Laz.
Giltia: Now that we know the damage. PREPARE THE ARTILLERY!
Goro: What artillery?

*Giltia runs over to Goro and tosses him over the edge of the balcony, into the raging sea of elves*

Giltia: Artillery fired. I'm hungry, to the place where we get all our food!

*Lets go laugh at Goro shall we?*


*Goro kills an elf*

Goro: Well, this is easy.

*Thousands of elves swarm Goro*

Goro: I regret nothing! Well... except that ti-

*Goro is most likely eaten. Back to the tower*

Bill: Quack quack. Quack?
Giltia: No Bill, the front door is camoflauged. They'll never find it.
Bill: Quack quack quack...
Giltia: Of course it is! See?

*Giltia points to the front door of BTN tower, which has been painted bright red*

Bill: Quack...

*The door explodes as elves swarm into the tower*

Giltia: BTNers! To arms!

*Dark Google swings into the fray via a chandelier. Everyone else runs away*

Dark Google: This would have been so much cooler with a big feather in my hat.

*Dark Google is carried off. Meanwhile, inside a barricaded room*

Giltia: Okay, I think we lost them. And this door should hold them off.
Madolyn: Who's still alive?
Rent-a-boyfriend Steve: I'm not dead yet!
Zenggah: Same here.
Jinwoopang: This is my first line in this report!
Giltia: Wait, didn't we stick you outside with the trainees?
Jinwoopang: I got cold and came inside.
Giltia: Who else?
Itty: Uhmm.. what are you doing in my room?
Giltia: Itty? Good. So that leaves... TCN, Rotten, Trilroy... and Phandiw.
Bill: Quack quack... quack...
Giltia: I pity whichever elf finds him too... because you know... it's a running gag now. Which means I'm going to use over and over again.

*Lets watch shall we?*

Phandiw: Well you wouldn't be having this problem if you'd just knocked.
Phandiw: Well I hope you've learned your lesson.
Ecchibus: Maybe he'd like to join us?
Phandiw: Do I have to share?
Elizabeth: I agree.
Phandiw: Fine...

*Okay, getting a little too freaky there. Back to the fun*

Jinwoopang: I've devised a plan!
Zenggah: Live?
Jinwoopang: Better. Okay, first, we have Madolyn strip. Then, while she distracts the elves, we kill them all, and loot their corpses.
Giltia: Idunno, I don't think that would work...
Itty: How are we supposed to keep from being distracted too?
Jinwoopang: That's the brilliant part! We stuff cotton into our eyes.
Giltia: Oooh, like a siren or something. It's brilliant!
Zenggah: Anyone got any cotton?

*Long akward silence*

Giltia: Guess not. Next plan! We use Steve as bait!

*Madolyn slams Giltia's face off the ground*

Madolyn: MY STEVE!
Rent-a-boyfriend Steve: For once in my life, nobody can pick on me! This is the happiest moment of my life!
Bill: Quack quack. Quack quack quack! Quack quack!
Zenggah: What?
Giltia: Bill has a plan! What's your plan?
Bill: Quack.
Giltia: His plan is "slaughter a bloody path to Santa Clause, and then have him call off the elves". BRILLIANT!
Madolyn: Didn't they already kill Goro?
Giltia: Yes, but we have Bill on our side!
Bill: Quack quack.
Giltia: Okay everybody, charge!

*Giltia kicks open the door and the surviving BTNers rush out into the hallway, weapons swinging about in random directions, but still killing elves*

Giltia: Push them back to the entrance!
Madolyn: We can't! They just keep coming through!

*Bill fires a massive energy cannon straight through the open doorway. I don't know how many elves died right there, but I think he just beat the combined kill count of every dictator on the planet*

Zenggah: The door is clear! Everyone, outside! Santa's worskhop isn't far!

*The group rushes out through the open door, only to see what appears to be Binky, killing elves. Okay, so maybe one dictator has a higher kill count than Bill...*

Bill: Quack quack. Quack!
Giltia: I understand Bill, you can't let Binky outdo you. We'll be fine.
Bill: Quack.

*Bill nods to Giltia dramatically, and teleports off. Seconds later, A large anthromorphic duck mech drops from the sky and begins destroying the tundra with more lasers than any mech should be allowed to have. Immediatly after Bill leaves the group, Itty and Zenggah are swarmed and dragged off.*

Jinwoopang: I think we did need him.

*Lets go back inside for a second shall we*

Elf underling: She's in here sir! We havn't been able to get close enough to grab here.
Elf overlord: And why not?
Elf underling: She bites sir...
Elf overlord: RIDICULOUS! I'll grab her.

*The elf overlord walks over to what appears to be a pile of breadsticks. He reaches inside as if to grab something*

Elf overlord: You sure she's in heOHCRAPITSGOTMYARM!

*The elf overlord is dragged into the pile of breadsticks. He screams for a few seconds... and then silence. The other elves stare at the pile in terror*

Elf underling: We can afford to miss a few of them right?
Elf underling 2: No objections.

*Back outside... err... Giltia, Jinwoopang, Madolyn, and oddly enough Steve, have made it INSIDE of Santa's workshop*

Giltia: Okay, we're in. Madolyn, you and Ji-

*Madolyn grabs Giltia's face and slams it off a wall*

Giltia: Hey, where'd you clones come from? Doesn't matter. Madolyns, you take the Steves and go free the prisoners. Jins, you're with me! We're gonna go see the fat man himself. Lets go!

*Giltia turns to walk away and slams into another wall*

Giltia: Who keeps putting these walls in front of me!?

*Madolyn drags Steve off in the opposite direction. Lets check on TCN shall we? Aha, outside, just as I predicted*


*Being an overpowered mage... riiiight... back to Madolyn and Steve*

Elf: Please don't hurt me! I'm too young to die! I'm only two hundred and fifty six!
Madolyn: Then tell me where the prisoners are!
Elf: They're in the dungeon! It's down that hall there!
Madolyn: Thank you. Merry Christmas ^_^
Elf: Err... merry ChristmaAHHHH!

*The elf is tossed out the window as Madolyn drags Steve towards the dungeon. Upon arriving, they find a Gorefiend, attached to the wall by Nerds rope*

Madolyn: Hiya! Who are you?
Gorefiend: Gorefiend is spy! Like Bond James!
Madolyn: You're a really big elf.
Gorefiend: Gorefiend not elf. Fat man say so.
Madolyn: Kay, bye! We're looking for the prisoners ^_^
Gorefiend: Can Gorefiend come too?
Rent-a-boyfriend Steve: He's going to kill us.
Gorefiend: Gorefiend promise not to kill whiny man.
Madolyn: He promised, you heard him! Come on ^_^
Gorefiend: Gorefiend is very happy. Happyness makes Gorefiend sad. But then sad makes Gorefiend happy! Vicious cycle.
Madolyn: Lets go!

*Madolyn walks away, forgetting to remove the Nerds rope that binds him to the wall*

Gorefiend: Gorefiend is forgotten again...
Rent-a-boyfriend Steve: Actually, I think she just assumed you'd be able to break those ropes yourself... they're made of candy afterall.
Gorefiend: Very gummy candy!
Rent-a-boyfriend Steve: How does that make a difference?
Gorefiend: It too chewy. Candy rope make Gorefiends jaw hurt.
Rent-a-boyfriend Steve: Might I suggest just ripping it?
Gorefiend: Whiney man is genius! Gorefiend try ripping candy!

*Gorefiend pulls on the rope. And ends up ripping large chunks out of the wall*

Gorefiend: GOREFIEND IS FREE! Gorefiend thank whiney man!
Rent-a-boyfriend Steve: That's not neccesaAHURK!


Gorefiend: Gorefiend go help hero lady now.
Rent-a-boyfriend Steve: Bones... broken... lungs... punctured... so much pain.
Gorefiend: Whiney man come too!

*Gorefiend grabs Steve's broken body and drags him along. And by "drags" I mean "scrapes his shattered bones across the ground". And you thought I was being too nice to him, didn't you. So, captives anyone?*

Goro: Thirty nine bottles of beer on the wall, thirty nine bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, thirty eight bottles of beer on the wall!
Himo: Shut up! Shut up! You've been singing all the way from ninety nine! We get the picture!

*Goro is silent*

Moonsaves: I liked it.
Max: So did I actually. Took my mind off the pain.
Mars: What pain?
Max: Bladder.
Mars: You still havn't gone?
Max: They wouldn't let us back inside, remember?
SZO11: I wrote my name in the snow. Now future generations will know where I've been!
Max: Why didn't I think of that?
Moonsaves: Horrible pain in your bladder?
Max: Ah, right.

*Several armed elf guards come in, dragging Zenggah, Itty, and TCN with them. They're quickly chained to the wall with the others*

Omega Shadow: How'd you guys get caught?
Zenggah: One second I was standing there, killing short people, and the next, BAM! I was caught.
Itty: Same here. I don't think they got Giltia, Madolyn, and that whiney guy.
Josh: Madolyn's still safe?
Itty: Probably not. There where alot of elves. They where everywhere!
Josh: She'll probably be coming to save me any moment now.
Itty: She's dead! Dead I tell you! Like a doornail! Though technically, doornails are inanimate objects and can be neither alive nor dead.
Josh: ...
Itty: DEAD!
Moonsaves: How'd you get caught TCN, aren't you always bragging about being an ubermage?
TCN: I ran out of MP...
Mars: Don't you also have extremely powerful weapons as well?
TCN: ...yes.
Mars: Then why didn't you use them?
TCN: I never run out of MP... battles don't last that long.
Mars: Aaaaand.
TCN: I FORGOT! Damnit, I forgot I had weapons.

*Everyone laughs at TCN*

TCN: Shut up ;_;

*Silence ensues*

Goro: Thirty eight bottles of beer on the wall, thirty eight bottles of beer-

*Dark Google, who is the only one hanging upside down from the ceiling, joins in*

Goro and DG: Take one down, pass it around, thirty seven bottles of beer on the wall!

*The door slams open, silence ensues! Madolyn stands in the open doorway, all heroic and stuff*

Josh: Told you so.

*The wall next to Madolyn crumbles as Gorefiend busts through, dragging Steve*

Josh: Wasn't expecting that though. Madolyn! You came to rescue me!
Madolyn: Actually, I have a new boyfriend now.
Josh: Wait, what?

*Madolyn rushes over and picks up Steve's crippled body, hugging it. Likely causing excrutiating pain to Steve... maybe I am just an ass*

Josh: Who's that?
Madolyn: This is Steve ^_^
Rent-a-boyfriend Steve: My everything hurts...
Josh: Who?
Madolyn: He's friends with that clown.
Josh: Clown? The one who made fun of me?
Madolyn: Yeah, that one.

*Akward silence ensues*

Goro and DG: Thirty seven bottles of beer on the wall, thirty seven bottles of beer!
Madolyn: Aww, I can't stay mad at you Josh.
Josh: You where mad at me?
Madolyn: Sorry Steve, it's just not gonna work out between us.
Rent-a-reject Steve: Fate plays cruel games with my life!
Josh: I'm still confused as to whats going on.
Gorefiend: Whiney man can be Gorefiends new friend! And we'll be best friends forever!

*Gorefiend bearhugs Steve again, laugh at his pain. LAUGH I SAY! Well, now that I've put more time into characters that aren't even mine, than Giltia himself, lets go back to him shall we?*

Giltia: So, where the hell is Santa supposed to be?
Jinwoopang: I'd guess... somewhere.
Giltia: That's why we havn't found him yet. We've been heading nowhere. Not somewhere.
Jinwoopang: I've been trying to tell you that for the past twenty minutes!
Giltia: To somwehere!

*The screen turns all psychadelic as the word SOMEWHERE! spins on the screen*

Giltia: Santa Clause! We've come to ruin Christmas!
Santa: Who's there? Oh... it's you guys. How did you survive? I'm sure my elf army isn't dead yet.
Giltia: Elf army?

*Outside, Bill and Binky are now chasing down the few remaining elves, trying desperatly to grab the last few kills to give them the one up on one another. The elves aren't enjoying it so much*

Jinwoopang: Is that what those were? Elves? I always thought elves where taller.
Santa: Lord of the Rings is a book of lies!
Giltia: GASP! Heretic! Quickly, we must burn him before he reproduces!
Santa: You wanna play rough? Lets play rought.

*Santa reaches into his Christmas sack and pulls out a large, two handed sword*

Giltia: Hmm... unexpected.
Santa: I'm putting you on the naughty list! Permanently.
Giltia: I have a sword too you know.
Santa: You do? Damn, might have to rethink my strategy a little.
Giltia: Too late!

*Giltia and Santa begin duking it out in one on one sword combat*

Santa: Ho ho ho, someones getting coal in their stocking this year!
Giltia: You mean Michael Richards?

*Sword clash!*

Santa: No, I mean you!
Giltia: What, so you approve of racism?

*More sword fighty*

Santa: What? No! He's getting coal in his stocking too!
Giltia: So were you talking about me or him?

*Parry, thrust!*

Santa: I was talking about you!
Giltia: But he's the racist.

*Dodge, counterattack*

Santa: Yes, but I wasn't talking about him!
Giltia: But you're talking about him now.

*Santa and Giltia clash blades, Santa shoves him backwards into a wall, face to face showdown!*

Santa: Merry Christmas!
Giltia: Was that supposed to be a menacing finisher line?
Santa: Err... yes.
Giltia: That's not menacing.
Santa: Well, you know, I don't usually engage in sword duels with people.
Giltia: You have to say something more threatening, more "rawr". Like "I'll see you later, in Hell!"
Santa: But... that's not a Christmas pun.
Giltia: Christmas isn't menacing.
Santa: You sure?
Giltia: Yes. I played Carnevil. The part where you fight Evil Santa is not frightening. Hilarious is more like it.
Santa: But... I'm about to kill you, shouldn't that alone be considered pretty menacing?
Giltia: Well not really. I'm a BTNer, I die all the time. Death's not so bad.
Santa: So, I guess I have to break Christmas character to be menacing?
Giltia: Actually, you're kinda fat too.
Santa: What? Fat is menacing!
Giltia: No. No it's not.
Santa: Living lavalamp.
Giltia: Okay, so it can be scary. But not the scary you're looking for.
Santa: Oh come on, there are different kinds of scary now?
Giltia: Well duh! There's the dread you feel when you know your grandmother is going to stretch your face, there's the shock you feel when you're reminded that the members of Hanson still aren't dead... many different types of scary.
Santa: Damn. This is complicated. You know, nevermind. I'm just gonna skip the menacing finisher line this time.
Giltia: Well, suit yourself, but it loses alot of it's appeEELK!

*Santa runs Giltia through with his sword*

Giltia: And cutting someone off mid sentance with a two-handed sword through the stomach is very rude.
Santa: Well, I do have a schedule to keep. Alright you elves, back to... work...

*Santa stares at Jin who's standing amongst a bunch of mauled elves*

Jinwoopang: I got bored.
Santa: Oh no.... Christmas is ruined! I can't load all these presents onto the sleigh myself! Jin, you're going on the very naughty list! And do you know what I give to children on the very naughty list?
Jinwoopang: Bigger coal?
Santa: A great big box of death! Merry Christmas!

*Santa lunges at Jin*

Deus ex Machina: STOP!

*Santa freezes in midair. The other BTNers burst through the wall and pose dramatically*

Itty: Thats right old Saint Nick! You're outnumbered!
R-019: Resistance is futile! You will be assimilated!
TCN: I'm still out of MP...
Mars: Weapons.
TCN: Oh, right! Damn, already lost my chance for a cool entrance line.
Santa: Oh ho? You think you can all take me? Time for some SANTA COAL BLITZKRIEG!

*Santa lifts up two large sacks and begins firing chunks of coal around the workshop*

Goro: Scatter! SCATTER!

*The BTNers race in random directions as Santa begins demolishing anyone lacking cover*

Santa: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! Forever!
Giltia: Well that's a little better.

*Giltia is blasted through the wall he was nailed to by a coal barrage*

Dark Google: What do we do?
Zenggah: Throw Goro at him?
Dark Google: Brilliant!

*Zenggah and Dark Google lift Goro up and fling him out of their hiding place into the open*

Goro: This is gonna hurt.
Santa: Ho ho hoOOOOOH!

*A flying stick grabs Santa by the hat and nails him to the wall before he can shoot Goro. The stick turns out to be... a hunting spear*

Darkshine: Thought you guys might need some backup.
Madolyn: Victory is ours!

*Santa pulls the spear out of his hat*

Santa: It's not over till the fat man sings!

*The roof suddenly collapses in as two giant robots point massive cannons through at Santa. Binky and Bill apparently having run out of elves*

Santa: We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and a happy new year! Are you people happy now? You've ruined Christmas for thousands of boys and girls.
Goro: Hurrah!
Dark Google: Why are we ruining Christmas again?
Giltia: I don't remember. I think something happened last year.
Santa: Aren't you dead?
Giltia: Huh? Of course not. I have like, a thousand hitpoints. And you war bosses are pansies.

*King Frost wanders in and beats down Giltia. Literally. Giltia's face shall forever be imprinted on the floor of Santa's workshop*

Giltia: Okay, I take that back. But still. Thousand hitpoints. I'm fine. Anyways, if none of us can remember why we're ruining Christmas... then why are we doing it?
Art: Because we can?
Moonsaves: That's not a very good reason.
Giltia: You're right! Don't worry Santa! We'll help you save Christmas!
Santa: Wheren't you just seconds ago trying to kill me?
Giltia: Oh come on man! Can't you leave the past in the past? Why'd you have to go and bring that up again...
Santa: Because it was very, very recent...
Giltia: Ass...
Dark Google: Come on everyone! Lets save Christmas!
Everyone: HERE HERE!

*And so it was, that the BTNers helped save Christmas. Helping Santa pack bags of gifts onto his sleigh. Through hard work, determination, and some spiked eggnog, the sled was loaded up just in time*

Santa: Even though you just murdered thousands of innocent elves, and tried to destroy Christmas, you guys aren't so bad.
Giltia: Thanks Santa. So does that mean we get real presents?
Santa: No. You're still getting coal.
Giltia: Damn.
Santa: But if you're good, and keep up your Christmas spirit, next year you might get a deck of cards. Merry Christmas everyone! I have gifts to deliver!
Everyone: Merry Christmas Santa!

*Santa walks towards his sleigh. When suddenly, TheRottenLeprechaun pushes his way through the crowd and shoots Santa in the head*

Rotten: Jackass.

Merry Christmas! And Happy New Year!
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Liveman Ieb
Member Avatar
Something bad happened in Paxia? I did it.
^Still going strong.

And so we begin the third year of... THE BTN CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

*In the middle of the north pole, during the worst blizzard of the year, we find two oddities side by side. A huge tower, sitting on an equally massive sled, and a wooden complex. While the tower is dark, the wooden buildings windows are bright. And if not for the storm, the sounds of merriment could be heard inside. Here there be BTNers.*

Giltia: Welcome, one and all, to the third BTN Christmas special. Some of you may be wondering why we're still here. After last years fiasco, you'd think we'd be long gone by now. This is why thinking is a sin.
Bill: Quack quack. Quack. Quack.
Giltia: That's right Bill. After TRL shot Santa last year, we all felt really bad about ruining Christmas. Despite that being the whole reason we came here last year. So we tried to send Goro out on the sleigh to deliver all the presents. He made it as far south as Nunavut and dropped the entire load of presents on someones igloo. The ground beneath the small snow structure collapsed into the sea, and Nunavut no longer exists.
Bill: Quack quack? Quack.
Giltia: No Bill, I don't care for a lecture on the physics involved.
Bill: Quack! Quack quack!
Giltia: I'm sure it's very interesting, but now is not the time. Now is the time to be making Christmas! We at BTN have decided that since we ruined Christmas last year, and TCN's Zombie Santa lacks basic motor functions, that it was up to us to make this year the best Christmas ever.
Bill: Quack?
Giltia: How indeed! We've got the greatest minds in the world working in Santa's old factory. This years toys will be true masterpieces.
Bill: Quack quack?
Giltia: You're right Bill. Why tell everyone, when I can just show them? To the toy factory!

*Giltia giggles with child-like enthusiasm as he skips merrily down the hallway. Two lefts and a huge iron door later, they arrive at Santa's greatest creation! The toy factory! Thousands of conveyor belts with their cold mechanical claws and grinding gears, rumble along, screwing the heads on dolls and nailing together rocking horses with huge pneumatic staplers. Altogether, it's quite terrifying.*

Giltia: Huh, I always thought toy factories were made of bubblegum and rainbows. Goro, how are those Ninja-in-the-boxes coming along?

*And sure enough, Goro was standing in the middle of the factory with an empty box in his hands.*

Goro: Not so well. I lost the ninja.
Giltia: Isn't SZO standing right behind you?

*And of course, he was. Because Giltia is so damn perceptive.*

SZO: I'm a lamp.
Goro: That's a lamp.
Giltia: So it is. What was I thinking?
Goro: That it was SZO.
Giltia: I see, I see. It all makes perfect sense now.

*Suddenly, a small wooden boy jumps out of a cupboard and makes a dash for the door.*

Pinocchio: Iím free! Iím free!
Giltia: Oh no youíre not! Get back in the cupboard Pinocchio!
Pinocchio: No, I want to be a real boy!
Giltia: Real boys canít be wrapped in cheerful holiday paper and given away as property!

*Giltia chases Pinocchio down the hallway, and into the living room/dining room. Which happens to be huge. To fit thousands and thousands of elves. All of which are dead now. Most of the BTNers, who just happen to be slacking off in there, donít even fill a tiny fraction of the space. Pinocchio just makes it through the door before being brutally tackled to the ground by Giltia. A loud crack is heard.*

Giltia: Got you, you little punk!
Pinocchio: My arm! You broke my arm!
Giltia: Seriously? We canít give away a broken toy. Oh well.

*Giltia tosses Pinocchio into the fireplace*

Pinocchio: Gah! Iím burning! Iím not a real boy! Iím made of wood! Aaaaah!
Dark Google: Gather round everyone! Gather round! I have something to say.

*Dark Google, who has climbed up onto the table, is tapping a glass with a really tiny spoon. A spoon so tiny, there could not possibly be a real use for it.*

Besthedesar: Booo, get off the stage!
Jinwoopang: He's not on a stage! He's on a table!
Madolyn: Don't we eat our food off that?
OWIE!: This is why I eat under the carpet. Nobody ever stands under the carpet.
Jinwoopang: We have a carpet?
R-019: Yeah, by the fireplace.
Applejordan: The one that's on fire?

*The camera gets a nice shot of the carpet. Pinocchio, who has climbed out of the fireplace, is now attempting the age old ďstop, drop and rollĒ motto to save his life, by rolling around on the carpet. He has failed, and ruined a perfectly good carpet in the process.*

R-019: That's the one.
OWIE!: Now I'm a Christmas ham!

*Everyone shuts up. MISSION COMPLETE!*

Dark Google: As I was saying, I have something important to say. Everyone... I just checked the news. The blizzard isn't going to stop by Christmas. We'll... have to cancel.

*Everyone goes quiet for a moment, as the full scope of the situation sets in.*

Giltia: Wait... why don't we just use Rudolph?

*Dark Google points to the food on the table. Deer.*

Giltia: You... ate Rudolph?
Madolyn: He was delicious.
Besthedesar: I thought he could have used more salt.
Giltia: Well I suppose itís for the best. The other reindeer were really getting fed up with his damn nose keeping them awake all night. But now how are we going to get the sleigh out?
Dark Google: Didnít I just tell you? We canít. Christmas is cancelled.
Giltia: Like hell it is! Iím going out into that blizzard, and Iím going to find a NEW one in a million mutant reindeer whose nose lights up. Whoís with me!?

*A few crickets chirp.*

Giltia: Okay, so the crickets are coming along. Anyone else?
Dark Google: Itís cold outside.
Madolyn: Yeah. Itís nice and warm in here though.
R-019: You never told us weíd have to actually work to save Christmas!
AppleJordan: Itís not THAT cold outside.

*Everyone stares at the trainee.*

Dark Google: You still know so little, rookie.
Giltia: Come on AJ, we have a reindeer to find!
AppleJordan: What?

*Giltia grabs AppleJordan by the arm, and with the trainee in tow, dives out the window, into the blizzard.*

Dark Google: Great. Now thereís a draft.
Pinocchio: Oh dear god Iím still burning! If I was alive I would have died by now!

*The scene cuts to Giltia and AppleJordan, trudging through the snow. A wall of pure white surrounds them, making it nearly impossible to see anything more than five feet away.*

AppleJordan: I think weíre lost.
Giltia: Of course weíre not lost. Weíre exactly where we ought to be.
AppleJordan: How do you know that?
Giltia: Because Iím the main character! Everything works out for me in the end.
AppleJordan: Weíll never find the forest at this rate.

*Before he can reply with an obvious statement, Giltia slams into a tree.*

Giltia: Found it.
AppleJordan: Ö
Giltia: Oh ye of little faith. This is why youíre still a trainee.

*Upon entering the forest, our heroes find that it is dark. Because not only is the snow blotting out the sun, but now there are tree tops overhead too.*

AppleJordan: I didnít bring a flashlight. Did you?
Giltia: No, but I did bring fire.

*Giltia pulls off an oldschool move, whipping out his eye-on-a-stick and firing a laser through the forest. The trees burst into flames, providing heat, light, and a stampede of reindeer fleeing for their lives.*

Giltia: Okay now AJ, hereís the plan. We stand right here.
AppleJordan: In front of the rampaging horde of reindeer?
Giltia: Yes! Then, we shall do as the Spanish do. Run with the bulls!
AppleJordan: Those are reindeer.
Giltia: Male reindeer are called bulls.


Giltia: Anyways, get ready. When they get close, grab an antler and swing yourself up onto its back.
AppleJordan: This seems dangerous.
Giltia: But itíll look cool. Looking cool is worth dying for!

*We interrupt this important broadcast to bring you something completely different. Hatman, who is standing outside the barn in the snow with a shovel in hand.*

Hatman: Iím beginning to believe that there is no driveway.
Zombie Santa: Of course thereís a driveway! How do you think I bagged a chick like Mrs. Clause? The sleigh? You canít pick up chicks in a sleigh!
Hatman: ÖTCN, your zombie is wandering around again.
Zombie Santa: What? Hey! Donít tell him where I am?

*A nearby window opens up and TCN sticks his head out.*

TCN: Santa, there you are! Iíve been looking for you!
Zombie Santa: Now youíve done it! I will not be an experiment!
TCN: Stay right there Santa, Iíll be out in a second!

*TCN closes the window, leaving Hatman and Zombie Santa out in the snow.*

Zombie Santa: Iím getting out of here!
Hatman: HmmÖ whatís that rumbling sound?

*Zombie Santa, who has shuffled about six feet away, is suddenly reduced to meaty components by hundreds of stampeding reindeer as they all dash into the barn. Giltia and AJ are seen to be riding on top of them, waving cowboy hats.*

Hatman: Iíve been here too long. I actually saw that coming.

*TCN comes out of the main building just after the last reindeer makes it into the barn and the door closes, thus leaving him completely clueless as to why Zombie Santa is a greasy red stain on the ground.*

Hatman: Canít you just raise him again?
TCN: Öwhereís your sense of drama?
Hatman: There is enough drama around here already! My contributions are unnecessary.

*Inside the barn, AJ has finished stabling the last reindeer, Giltia has downed his third glass of eggnog, and Bill has reappeared, quacking frantically.*

Giltia: What is it Bill? Whatís going on?
Bill: Quack quack! Quack!
Giltia: Youíve come up with a way to save Christmas?
Bill: Quack.
Giltia: Then letís see it.

*Bill leads Giltia from the barn, into the toy workshop. Giltia falls behind as he stops at a large hole dug into the concrete floor. Goro is at the bottom.*

Giltia: Find SZO yet?
Goro: No. But the lamp has been giving me excellent suggestions. He reminded me that ninjas are Asian. So Iím digging to China.
SZO-lamp: Next, you might want to try clairvoyance. Psychics use it to find lost dogs and car keys sometimes.
Giltia: Keep up the good work.

*Giltia moves on, chasing after Bill, and finding himself face to face with what appears to be a small iron sphere. Bill and Binky both stand in front of it.*


*Giltia dives inside a wooden barrel in anticipation of the firefight that is about to ensue between the two bitter rivals. Nothing happens, and after about five minutes, Giltia peeks out of his hiding place to see both beaked geniuses staring at him intently.*

Bill: Quack quack. Quack.
Giltia: What do you mean you worked together?
Binky: Grmmple squark.
Giltia: I donít understand.
Binky: Merp.
Giltia: No I mean, I really donít understand you.
Binky: Ö
Bill: Quack quack, quack? Quack!
Giltia: Ah, so itís the most advanced fog light ever created?
Bill: Quack!
Giltia: Well then, fire her up!

*The two feathered masterminds adjust their eyeshields, and Binky kicks the small metal sphere. It turns into a tiny blazing sun. The light of which enters through Giltiaís corneas, and fries his brain. The only effect this has however, is blinding Giltia.*

Giltia: Iím sure it cuts through fog like butter, but I donít think I can use it because now I canít see anything.
Bill: Quack?
Giltia: No, I donít think this is the way to save Christmas after all. But thanks anyways for trying.

*Bill and Binky converse for a moment, ending with Binky whistling. Brunheia, Zenggahs orcish nurse, wanders over, cracking her huge, hairy knuckles. When at first you donít succeed, hire some muscle.*

Giltia: This advice does not bode well for Giltia.

Can Christmas be saved in time?
What the-? So few cameoís? WHAT IS THIS TOMFOOLERY!?
Did Giltia get his Mojo back?
And where are my pants?
Probably only the first question will be answere, NEXT TIME, ON CHRISTMAS BALL Z!

Coming to a thread near you Christmas day.
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Liveman Ieb
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Something bad happened in Paxia? I did it.
Part 4 of the special wuv-luv Christmas special.

*The scene opens to a scene of pure white, and the sound of jingling bells. A powerful blizzard rages. Passing through the wind and snow, the camera stares into a window, to a warm scene of holiday decorations and festivities. A large feast is spread out on the table, and a grand fire is lit in the fireplace. The party goers? A horrid lot. Half are angry and spiteful, the others are clueless and dumb. Together they form an organization of misfits and wrongdoers, the likes of which the world would be better off without. These are the people now in charge of Christmas.*

Dark Google: Well, itís Christmas eve. And the storm isnít letting up even a little bit. But thatís no reason for us not to enjoy ourselves!
Trilroy: This eggnog tastes funny.
TRL: No there isnít. Youíre imagining it.
Trilroy: No, I really think that thereís something wrong with itÖ

*TRL dunks Trilroys head into the eggnog bowl.*

TRL: Normally Iíd give you the benefit of the doubt as you may not have heard me the first time, but Iím in a particularly festive mood today. I think itís this punch.
Trilroy: BLRBL!
TRL: Donít backwash into the punch.

*Over in the doorway, Taz is on a ladder hanging mistletoe, because none of the guys would do it.*

Taz: And there! All done.

*Madolyn pushes the ladder out of the way, sending Tazí flailing form hurtling to the ground. Disregarding that, she has Josh by the arm.*

Madolyn: Josh, look! Mistletoe!
Josh: And?
Madolyn: You have to kiss me now!
Josh: Do I have to do this in front of everyone? The guys will laugh at me!
Art: We laugh at you anyways.
Jinwoopang: Who are you again?
Art: I think heís a cameraman.
Jinwoopang: What? Cameramen donít get lines!

*Regardless of nobody knowing who he is, everyone points and laughs at Josh, even Taz, from the floor, manages a guffaw.*

Josh: I told you they would!
Madolyn: Just do it!
Josh: I donít wanna!
Madolyn: You donít love me enough!
Josh: Ödamnit. Guilt trip.

*TRL, makes a drunken attempt at a whip motion and sound. It comes out more like a karate chop however.*

Dark Google: Hey, whereís Giltia anyways?

*Goro bursts into the room.*

Goro: Giltia is packing up the sleigh and heading out!
Art: What?
Dark Google: No!
Jinwoopang: It canít be!
Taz: I canít believe itís not butter!
Trilroy: Itís not.
TRL: Itís punch! And itís delicious! You should have some.
Trilroy: Iíve had enough, thank you very much.
TRL: You could have a little more.
Trilroy: No, Iím good.

*TRL slams Trilroys face into the Eggnog again.*

TRL: Itís good for you! Grows hair on your chest!
Trilroy: GLRB!

*Meanwhile, in the hangar, Giltia, the trainees, and R-019 are loading up the sleigh with bags of presents. Giltiaís dressed up in a Santa suit, though heís not nearly fat enough to pull it off.*

Giltia: And the beard itches too. Robot dude! This bolt is loose! Fix it!
R-019: I got it. Go, WRENCH ARM!

*Lo and behold, R-109ís arm transformed into a giant wrench! Springing into action, he fixes the problem. Christmas is saved!*

R-019: Seriously?
Giltia: Hup to it trainees, that sleigh isnít gonna load itself!
Besthedesar: Thereís like a thousand presents in each bag! They weigh tonnes!
Giltia: Ah ah ah, no complaining.
Major Disaster: This was not in the job description!
Giltia: Silence! Trainees are to be seen and used. Not heard. YOU, whatís your name? Mars! What are you doing?
Mars: Working.
Giltia: No, youíre opening Santaís letters. Stop that. Thatís Santaís mail.
Mars: But theyíre so interesting! Listen to this one. ďDear Santa, my name is Robert and I am eight years old. Last year, you didnít come and daddy had to pretend to eat the cookies that we left for you. Christmas was very sad last year. This year, my baby brother died. He never got to celebrate his first Christmas, and I was wondering if you could bring him back to life so that he can be here. Signed, Robert.Ē
Giltia: Ökids these days are stupid. I deliver presents, I donít raise the dead!
TCN: Thatís my job!

*TCN walks into the hangar.*

TCN: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Zombie Santa mkII!

*The door behind TCN opens wide, revealing a hulking mass of meat and metal. Flesh convulses disgustingly around metal blades and sharpened spikes. A Santa hat sits on its meaty head.*

Zombie Santa mkII: PLEASE KILL ME!
TCN: Heís superior to the original Santa in every way. Heís harder, better, faster, stronger.

*Moonsaves walks by, carrying a huge bag of presents.*

Moonsaves: Hour after our work is never over.
Giltia: Thatís great! Can he drive the sleigh?
TCN: Wherenít you listening? Heís everything Santa used to be, and better!
Giltia: Awesome. Okay Zombie Santa, get up there, youíve got a Christmas to save!

*Gorefiend suddenly crashes through the ceiling, tackling Zombie Santa mkII to the ground and hacking him up with his axe.*

Giltia: Öwhat was the point of that?
Gorefiend: Pedro run out of meat for soup! Gorefiend smelled meat and came here!

*Gorefiend gathers up the pieces of Santa into a sack and walks out the door. TCN is dumbstruck.*

Giltia: Well, that didnít turn out too well. Lookís like Iím still flying the sleigh.
Bill: Quack quack quack.

*Bill waddles in.*

Giltia: What do you mean cameras? Eh? Iím on? Oh, I am!
Bill: Quack quack, quack!
Giltia: Welcome to the BTN Christmas special. Weíve been working round the clock to save Christmas! And we might be able to do it.
Bill: Quack quack, quack quack quack.
Giltia: Yes Bill, I checked all the reindeer. None of them have glowing noses.
Bill: Quack.
Giltia: Öthose are pretty bad odds for finding a mutated reindeer. But at least we replaced the ones the others ate.
Bill: Quack quackÖ quack.
Giltia: What do you mean theyíre gone?
Bill: Quack. Quack.
Giltia: Ö

*Flashback to what happened*

Rent-a-pyro Steve: Burn, BURN! HAHAHhAhahahAHhAhahaHAHAhahHAH!

*The reindeer stable is up in flames, reindeer can be heard cooking.*

Rent-a-pyro Steve: Take that Santa! This is for every single Christmas of my life!

*Back to the present.*

Giltia: Steve is getting coal this year.
Bill: Quack?
Giltia: What are we going to do? What we do whenever something ruins our plans! Improvise!
Bill: Quack quack quackÖ
Giltia: Youíre right, improve was never my strong point.
Bill: Quack, quack.
Giltia: Right, time to call in a professional.

*A skinny, bald Canadian walks in from offscreen and smiles at the camera.*

Colin Mochrie: Hi.
Giltia: The ultimate cameo now complete, Colin! What do you suggest we do?
Colin Mochrie: You see this giant tube sock?
Giltia: Yeah.
Colin Mochrie: Now itís a gun! Stick em up!

*Colin points the tube sock at Giltia like a gun.*

Giltia: Öthis isnít helpful at all.
R-019: Giltia, itís time. The sleigh is loaded up.
Giltia: Damnit, what am I going to do for reindeer?
Apple Jordan: No idea, but my work is done so Iím gonna go get some eggnog.

*Everyone stares at AJ.*

TCN: Stupid, stupid traineeÖ

*Within minutes, Giltia has eight trainees strapped to the front of the sleigh. OWIE!, the ninth, is tied to the back.*

Giltia: This was a brilliant idea.
Omega Shadow: I disagree, and would like to register a complaint.
Max: I too, would like to register a complaint.
Giltia: Thatís nice. You can put them in the box when we get back.

*Meanwhile, at the Christmas eve party.*

Art: Hey, shouldnít we stop Giltia from flying out into the blizzard and killing himself?
Goro: But itís cold outside.
TRL: And thereís no punch!

*Back at the sleigh.*

Giltia: Alright, itís time to set out! Letís save Christmas!
???: WAIT!

*Everyone turns their head, to see the source of the voice. In the door stands Darkshine.*

Darkshine: You canít go out just like that, without protection! In the middle of winter, the icebergs are especially active.
Giltia: Well we will be flying in the skyÖ
Mars: I canít fly!
Max: I donít think any of us can.
Darkshine: Never fear, for I have decided to offer my services. Iíll man the harpoon!
Giltia: We donít have a harpoon.
Darkshine: of course you do, right there.

*A massive harpoon gun is bolted to the back of the sled, right next to the toys.*

Giltia: How did I miss that?
Darkshine: Selective vision.
Giltia: ÖI wonder how Hatman is doing with that runway.

*The hangar door opens to reveal a half mile of shovelled runway, in the process of being snowed over again by the blizzard. Hatman stands triumphantly, with a shovel over his shoulder, and a Santa cap atop his head.*

Hatman: Thought I couldnít do it, eh? Iím a superhero. Good always triumphs over evil. For the children, I have shovelled snow to make Christmas possibleÖ which is odd because I hate kids.
Giltia: Yeah yeah, good job. What do you want? A medal?
Hatman: Now that you mention it, yes. And a bowl of Wheaties. Breakfast of champions.
Giltia: Öthe Wheaties I can do.
Hatman: Half-success!
Giltia: Now, letís get going. Elf AJ, get up here!
Apple Jordan: Right away.

*AJ, who is dressed in a green elf suit, climbs up into the seat next to Giltia.*

Major Disaster: Why isnít he pulling the sleigh?
Giltia: Because we only need nine reindeer, and OWIE! Is the only one of us ďspecialĒ enough to qualify as Rudolph.
Major Disaster: This was all his fault!
Giltia: Yes, AJ did come up with the idea that saved Christmas. Good job AJ, have a Christmas cookie!

*Giltia hands AJ a colourful cookie.*

Major Disaster: This is a clear case of favouritism!
Giltia: Of course. AJ is better than you.
Besthedesar: I feel like this should hurt my feelings, but oddly, it does not. Perhaps the fact that I have to pull a sleigh all the way around the world is overshadowing your questionable love of AJ.
Deadklaw: I think I have plenty of room to be annoyed by both.
Himo: Eh, itís not so bad. The pay is good.
Giltia: Pay? Anyway, not important. We have a holiday to save! On Betsy, on Major, on Mars and Omega! Now Moonsaves, now Max, now Himo and Deadklaw! And you too OWIE!
OWIE!: Iím pushing a sleigh!
Giltia: Yes OWIE!, youíre pushing.
OWIE!: My mother was a bulldozer, pushing is in my creamy chocolate blood!

*The trainees begin pulling, moving the sleigh out the hangar door and down the runway.*

Giltia: Giddyup!

*Giltia whips the trainees with his whip. And somewhere, someone is missing a whip.*

Phandiw: I know I had it around here somewhereÖ

*The sleigh is slowly running out of road, remaining firmly on the ground.*

Giltia: Up trainees, UP! Into the sky!
Omega Shadow: This is impossible! We donít have wings!
Giltia: Evolve them!
Mars: I donít believe in evolution!

*After much whipping, the sleigh finally takes off, much to the surprise of the trainees who kick their legs futilely at the air beneath them.*

Giltia: One problem down, now onto the next. Which direction is south?
AJ: I canít see anything in this blizzard.
Giltia: Brilliant deduction Watson. Now keep quiet and enjoy your cookie.
Darkshine: Captain, thereís no telling where the icebergs could be! They could come from any direction in this blizzard!
Giltia: Well, you just keep on it then, harpoonmaster Darkshine.
Darkshine: Aye sir! Iíll pierce their Heavens should they show their ugly faces.

*Suddenly the sleigh bursts up over the clouds, revealing that there is no snow up there.*

Giltia: Ösnow comes from clouds?

*Later, Giltia finds himself sliding down a chimney with a sack that weighs more than him sitting over his shoulder.*


*Shouting is heard from the upstairs area of the house, and the sound of footsteps thundering down the stairs.*

Guy: I have a bat! Donít even think of taking anything buddy!
Giltia: What? Iím Santa! Iím here to bring gifts and happiness.
Guy: Yeah? Well you best be goin right back up that chimney!
Giltia: Kay.

*Giltia places a finger to the side of his nose, and flies up the chimney.*

Guy: Öhe actually did itÖ

*We find Giltia in the skies above the ocean.*

Giltia: Well, thatís North and South America done, on to the next continent!
???: Iím afraid your reign of terror is over! REVENGE!
Giltia: What?

*A glass Christmas ornament shatters on Giltiaís face. The blackened, burned body of Pinocchio stands on a sack, holding a sharpened wooden arm. The arm Giltia had broken off.*

Pinocchio: You lit me on fire! You tossed me away like some piece of trash! Like an object!
Giltia: You are an object.
Pinocchio: No Iím not! Iím a real boy! Iím real!
Giltia: Youíre a puppet.
Pinocchio: RAH!

*Pinocchio leaps at Giltia, brandishing his arm spear. AJ, being the faithful helper elf he is, jumps in front of Giltia. In dramatic slow motion, AJ is stabbed.*

Giltia: That looks bad. Might give you splinters.
AJ: I feel cold.
Giltia: Well, it IS winter.
AJ: Everything is getting dark sir.
Giltia: Youíre probably dying.

*AJ tumbles over the side of the sleigh, falling hundreds of feet into the ocean.*

Giltia: Straighten out AJ! Dive, dive! If you land on your stomach, itíll really sting!
Pinocchio: Ahem.
Giltia: Shush, Iím watching AJ die. This is interesting.
Pinocchio: Iím trying to kill you!
Giltia: Go play with Darkshine.
Darkshine: Sorry captain, my specialty is icebergs. Youíre on your own.
Giltia: FineÖ

*Pinocchio tackles Giltia, and initiates an epic struggle. Rolling around on the sleigh, hanging over the edge. After several minutes of combat, Giltia pulls one of those ďkick your opponent over you headĒ things that happen in the movies, thus flinging Pinocchio over the edge.*

Pinocchio: Curse you Giltiaaaaaaaa!
Giltia: Yeah yeah, get in line. Next destinationÖ Iraq? Oh fudgeÖ

*Christmas morning, the children rush down for their presents. Little Billy picks up a box under his tree. It has a lever on the side for turning. As he turns the wheel, a cute tunes plays. The song winds down, coming to a halt. The lid of the box opens, and a black clothed leg rockets out, kicking Billy in the jaw, and snapping his head back, killing him instantly.*

Parents: Ö

*SZO climbs out of the tiny box.*

SZO: Merry Christmas, everyone!

*Back at Santaís workshop, the front door flies open, kicked by Giltia. His Santa suit blackened and charred. Darkshine follows him, similarly burned. Only three of the trainees come in after them. Omega Shadow, Betsy, and Moonsaves.*

Dark Google: SoÖ heard you saved Christmas.
Giltia: Yes. Thank you so much for your help.
Goro: Where are the trainees?
Giltia: AJ fell into the ocean, and most of the rest were used to escape from people with guns. OWIE! is a hostage now.

*Somewhere in Iraq.*

Terrorist: Okay, so this is all very simple. Weíre just going to film you reading your lines. You just speak them and pretend youíre scared. Cry a little if you can. The infidels will hopefully give us what we want, and youíll get to go free. Aaaaaand, action!
OWIE!: Hi mom! Iím on TV! You know how you always told me Iíd never amount to anything? Look whoís laughing now!

*Back at the workshop.*

Giltia: So yeah. I got blown out of the sky, and shot five times. I had to deliver the rest of the presents by hand.
TRL: Suck it up you little girl. Letís open presents.
Everyone: HUZZAH!
Giltia: Öyay.

*Shortly, the BTNers are enjoying the festive morning and forcing Giltia to hand out presents to everyone.*

Giltia: And this one isÖ to Taz, from TRLÖ

*Giltia hands Taz the gift. After savagely removing the paper, she finds a pair of frilly womens underwear inside.*

Taz: Ooh, a hat!
TRL: I immediately thought of you when I saw it.

*Giltia pushes a huge gift box over to TRL. Upon its unwrapping, the box reveals a flatscreen television of epic size.*

Giltia: Thatís from me.
TRL: Looks cheap. You donít value my friendship?
Giltia: No, of course I value your friendship!

*TRL shoots Giltia in the leg, sending him down to the ground, clutching his kneecap.*

TRL: Thatís not what this gifts price tag tells me!

*Everyone stares at Giltia, waiting for him to hand out the next present. However, he doesnít get up.*

Darkshine: Ö
Moonsaves: I donít think heís getting back upÖ

*Several awkward seconds pass.*

Giltia: Gah, bleeding, hurts. No way in hell am I doing this again next year.
Colin Mochrie: Now you see, this TV is not a TV, but an gladiator shield! Hoowah!
Dark Google: WellÖ Merry Christmas everyone.
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Liveman Ieb
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Something bad happened in Paxia? I did it.
Twas the night before Christmas.
Not a soul was up, save for this lot.
A merry group of nuts, insane and wackos,
not necessarily related to anyone named Jacko.

Goro: God, I'm freezing up here.
DG: My pina colada is getting frosty. It's not right! AJ!
AJ: What.
DG: Hold this and direct all your body heat to my drink.
AJ: ...no way, that is impossible.
AJ: Forget it.
DG: ...I might make you a Reporter for it.
AJ: ...how warm do you want it?
DG: Just right.
AJ: But-
Goro: Seriously, what are we doing up here?
SZO: I thought this was a fire drill.
DS: Wouldn't it be better to be outside the building instead of on top of it?
DG: I just went with the crowd. Everywhere needs more DG.
Goro: So we are up on the roof, freezing, and no one knows why.
MD: Okay, I got them!
DS: Something is coming back to me...
MD: Sorry about that, had to find some matches.
Goro: Yeah, me too. It was... I almost have it...
DG: We came up on the roof for...
MD: ...stop that. I told you already!
Goro: Now I rem- no that's not it.
DG: Fireworks!
DS: Yeah, that was it!
DG: Hurry up MD, shoot the damn things already so we can go.
Goro: I thought fireworks were usually used around New Years.
DG: Shut up with your Finn ways. Real worlds celebrates whenever it wants to!
Goro: Well sorry that we tend to focus our joy to a single point of the year.
SZO: And you wonder why your suicide rates are so high.
MD: ...no, not yet! Twelve seconds more!
DG: Why.
MD: Because, you guys, I want... to make this perfect, for you!
Goro: You're still not getting promoted.
MD: Scre- NOW!

With glee, moved MD.
Litting the fireworks one at a time,
and shooting them towards the sky.

Goro: Where did you get those anyway?
DS:They look a bit... much.
MD: I uh, found them. In the Lost and Found.
DG: I think I saw the Drakels use those once.
Goro: Huh. You been to a Drakel festival or something?
DG: No, it was a war. And they shot them from shoulder-carried tubes, or something like that.
Goro: Oh.

Red, blue and yellow,
was the sky lit with a bellow.
But out of nowhere,
came something which stole their stare.

A fire that went through the sky,
and losing its ability to fly.
It came down sharp and fast,
silencing some with aghast.

Now a burning wreck in the ground,
it soon gathered a group around.
Silent, and in disbelief,
there was no relief.

Goro: Dude.

From the top of their house,
they had shot down Santa Claus.

Presenting... another report with no jokes...

The story of how BTN ruined Christmas.

From the dead rider and the deer,
it could not be made a lie even by beer.
So obvious was it,
who they had hit.

Goro: You shot down Santa Claus.
MD: How was I supposed to know he would be there!
DG: All these years, I thought he was just stuff that my parents made up.
SZO: Does this count as a merit? Killing Santa Claus, and ruining Christmas for everyone?
DG: I doubt it. Unless you work for insane people.
SZO: I wonder if Artix is hiring.
Goro: ...we got to tell about this to the others. And come to some sort of idea what to do.

And so inside they went,
with a disgusting truth to vent.
There was only one thing they had,
and that was Santa's red hat.

Gathered around a table,
started a conversation almost out of a fable.
They needed a some sort of lie,
to stray everyone of how did Santa Claus die.

Dark Google suggested a bear,
MD asked if anyone would even care.
AJ with a pina colada in his hands,
asked if it could be blamed on thief bands.

With a "Shut up Trainee",
the Reporters went silently "maybe".
Needless to say it was a scare,
when the hat spoke with words of its own to share.

Hat: I can't believe you people! First you kill Santa, now you are trying to think of how to cover it up!
DG: And I haven't even finished my drink yet.
Hat: Shut up, all of you! Since you are responsible, you will also have to fix this mess you caused!

The hat told that someone had to step up for the cause,
and become the next Santa Claus.
Some yelled and others hid,
no one had the desire for it.

With no end in sight,
Gorobei suggested for everyone to rest over the night.
And by tomorrow morning should they think,
how to deal with this without a kink.

And so everyone went to rest,
thinking that it was for the best.
The hat was left alone to shout,
anything that it said would not amount.

Not a soul was up that night,
save for one person with a soul full of fright.
Gorobei watched out a window with a stare,
at a world which had not a single care.

But give it time,
and it would figure out the crime.
Christmas had been ruined,
no doubt everyone would be riled.

Suddenly from the vents something creeped,
and brought even him to sleep.
A sleeping gas both potent and sneaky,
made even the dead sleepy.

Many hours had passed,
before everyone stopped being gassed.
They awoke from their slumber,
and found themselves dumber.

While all of them had snoozed,
had everyone been moved.
What was this place,
who in their hands had such an ace?

From the room dark and dank,
they soon found everyone from their rank.
With all of them together,
they soon saw their trickster.

From a light above he was revealed,
a man full of charm, pose and completely relaxed.
He spoke to them of a deal,
one that would reward them well.

Man: Hello everyone. I am so sorry that it had to come to this, but you see, I am a busy man. Time is money, and in the best of our interest, we just had to have you here as soon as possible.
DG: I didn't do it. You can't prove anything!
Man: Oh please, we do not accuse you of anything. We already know of poor Santa Claus, and how he died. What we are interested however, is not the details of his death, or extortion.
Goro: Then what are you interested of?
Man: The hat.
DS: ...what, you mean this thing? *picks the hat from his pocket*
Man: Yes. We are prepared to pay you a rather large sum of money for you to hand over the hat, and agree on a few terms.
DG: ...such as?
Man: That for one, you would never talk about the details of last night to anyone, for second, for you to not certainly speak about this deal we are offering you. Should you agree, but still betray us, you would have the world soon knowing of what really happened with Santa.
SZO: So, you want us to the evidence to you, and you are making sure that we won't talk about it to anyone.
Man: That's right.
DG: How much money are we talking about?
Man: Two hundred and fifty million.
Man:Heh. I assume that you fine gentlemen agree on my terms?
DG: Yeah, sure!
DS: All yours man!
Goro: NO!
Man: ...
DG: ...what?
Goro: We can't sell the hat of Santa!
DG: Why? It's not like he needs it.
Goro: No, but the next Santa does!
DS: Pfft, who would take that job anyway, you?
Goro: Well, maybe I should! Come on guys, where is your Christmas spirit!?
DG: Our what?
Goro: It was our fault that Santa died. We can't just pass the hat to someone for money, we need to take some responsibility for once!
Hat: That's right!
Hat: This young man knows it better than any of you! For Christmas to prevail, you cannot hand me over!
Man: Hello, Spirit of Christmas. Long time no see.
Hat: If I had a body, I would so kick your ass.
DG: Okay, now I officially have no idea what is going on.
Hat: That man is no mere human.
DS: What is he then?
Hat: Commercialism.
DS: ...what.
Man: It's true. I am the new way of Christmas. Things around have changed from the past, people want to move on to the future. I merely helped them with their cause.
Hat: In the past, the two of us fought a number of times, and time after time, I held him back, and Christmas remained the ame. As it was supposed to be.
Man: However, time goes on whether you liked it or not.
Hat: I'm afraid so. A few years ago, we lost, and finally had to go back a step. Christmas was split.
Man: Half for me, half for them. But with each passing year after that, I grew stronger, while they became weaker. We both know it was only a matter of time until this would happen.
Hat: True. But strong as you may be, you never could even hope to defeat the true spirit of Christmas!
Man: Without anyone to wield it, I have by all means, already won.
Goro: Not if I can help it.

The Finn answered with a stare,
to the Commercialism's glare.

Goro: I will take the hat.
DG: What?!
DS: Don't, think of the money!
Goro: SCREW THE MONEY. Can't you even see what this has all been about?
DG: It has been about us killing Santa Claus and being offered money-
DS: A LOT of money.
DG: - for shutting up about it.
Goro: That's what I mean! This has all been going to a script!
SZO: What are you saying?
Goro: I'm saying that they, HE, had this planned. And someone sold out of us.
DG: ...you mean-
Goro: Someone managed to get a hold of a few rockets just under Christmas, and happened to fire them at the exact time that Santa was passing over BTN. And that someone, most likely, was responsible for how we were brought here. That someone, was you. MD.
Everyone else but the Man and MD: *GASP*
MD: ...bravo Mr. Gorobei, you figured it all out.
Goro: Just tell us WHY. Haven't we treated you well, let you in, took care of you?
MD: HAH! You say abusing me like a floormat was good treatment? They came to me, and offered a better deal than you could ever think of. All I had to do, was ruin Christmas.
Goro: You're mad.
MD: Mad? You say that I'm mad? I tell you what's mad, when my father came home drunk during Christmas, stabbed my mother and to make me smile after seeing it all, cut my cheecks, from one end to other.
Goro: ...well fine, your childhood and Christmas sucked, but that doesn't mean you can just go and ruin it for everyone else! Christmas should be the one time of year you just put aside all the worries of your life, and enjoy it! One single night when you can just spend some time with your family, friends, and loved ones, and... chill.

No one said a word,
but the Man suddenly went with applaud.

Man: Well Spirit, I can see how you would talk for this one. He truly seems to have understood what was the true meaning of Christmas. Just another fool who can't let go of the past and move on to the future. People don't want, they don't need a quiet night with family anymore. They need... things, gifts, presents from eachother to show that they still care about them and others. It's the way how the world is revolving now, and it can't be stopped. This is what people want.
Goro: It's what people want because you made them think so! Sure, a lot of the things that you can buy are things that can bring some pleasure to your life, but when you can only use money to buy happiness, that is the moment that this world has gone seriously wrong!
Man: ...I see that you can't change your mind. I was afraid of that. Seems that you truly believe in Christmas.

The lights went on,
and they saw the Pantheon.
Shelves full of things and goods,
not to mention the delicious foods.

Man: For the best of our interest, and the worlds, you will have to stay here.
Hat: This is-!
Man: The Maze of Consumers. Everyone who has ever participated in commercialism, is trapped here for all eternity. They cannot escape it, it is simple human nature.
DS: Oh god, look at the price on these pickles!
DG: Two pairs of socks, for the price of one!
SZO: It has a dragon on the blade! A DRAGON ON THE BLADE!
MD: Can I go now? I mean, I helped you and all.
Man: I'm afraid we can't let you go either. It would be against our best interest to have someone knowing the truth out there.
Man: And I just broke it. Here. *tosses something to MD, who catches it with both hands*
MD: ...A VIRTUAL MAGI-PET! I always wanted one of these!
Man: There are more around here somewhere.
Man: And so, it ends. This is the new Christmas, and you are a part of it no longer.

The Man walked out and closed to door,
the lights went out and everyone was trapped in the core.
Only one was with the last of his sense and that,
was the man holding Santa Claus' hat.

Child: Dad, dad! Buy that for me!
Goro: Now now son, I'm sure Santa will bring that for you in Christmas.
Child: Really?!
Goro: Really. Is there anything else you would like Santa to bring?
Child: Umm, I'll go see!
Goro:Be careful when you run!
Woman: Oh honey, I'm so glad that you can afford all this.
Goro:Yeah well, the boss gave a big bonus this year. It's going to be the best Christmas ever.
Woman: Say, I've been looking at some... accessories in the little ladies shop.
Goro: Oh really now?
Woman: Yes... Mind lending me your card real quick? Maybe "Santa" could pay me a little visit later this night.
Goro: That depends, have you been good or naughty?
Woman: That's for Santa to find out, isn't it?
Goro: Heh. Here, just don't spend all of it.

With his wife on her way,
Gorobei walked up to the counter to pay.
Taking cash from his pocket,
in the shop full of racket.

Cashier: Hello sir, and merry Christmas!
Goro: Hi.
Cashier: Let's see.. one toytrain, one robot, a modelling kit... sir, I see that you have children.
Goro: Yeah, a son.
Cashier: Well, we are having a sale on a gaming console right now. Buy it for 250, and we will throw in three, three games of your choosing, as a special Christmas gift.
Goro: ...Christmas.
Cashier: Yes, I'm sure your kid would love it. Want me to go get one for you?
Woman: Honey, I'm back!
Cashier: Oh, you are married?
Woman: We sure are!
Cashier: Could I recommend this perfume set as well then? New from Drachel, it has everything a woman could want. Perfume for social events, candlelight dinners, even romantic bedroom ones, if you know what I mean. Haha.
Goro: ...
Cashier: You want me to pack it up for you, sir?
Child: Dad, dad! I want this too!
Cashier: What you got there, champ?
Child: A Christmas calendar.
Cashier: Really? Oh, the one with one toy for every day! Excellent choice, sir, your kid has good taste. This really will spice up his Christmas.
Goro: ...no.
Cashier: I'm sorry sir, I could not catch that.
Goro: No.
Woman: Honey, what's wrong?
Child: Hey dad you got to come and see, they got this walking robot and I want one and-
Goro: This is not right. This isn't-
???: You almost have it.

Gorobei turned around, and faced an old man, so familiar, yet his identity escaped him. Red and white clothes, and a hat with the same colors, the old man had a white beard and a jolly feel to him.

???: Did you forget about it already? Just a moment ago, you knew what Christmas was all about.
Goro: ...Santa?
Santa: Yes, now you got it!
Goro: But... you're dead!
Santa: No. I'm never dead, as long as there is some spirit of Christmas in the world. It's the Magic of Christmas.
Goro: ...Commercialism, where is-
Santa: He is in the real world. He trapped you and all your friends in this maze of delusions and deception.
Goro: Then, everything, my wife, child-
Santa: They exist only in here. I feel for you, you have memories, how you first met her, how you got married, had your child. But they are not real. I will not force you, if you wish to live a life of lies, then you are free to do so. But it comes at a price. And that is-
Goro: -Christmas.
Cashier: And a merry Christmas for you as well! That will be-

Gorobei punched the cashier in the jaw, and he shattered like glass. All around him, the desks, shelves, the shop, his wife and child, shattered the same, until there was nothing left but broken shards under his feet, and a starry cold sky above.

Goro: Christmas isn't about what they, what he offered.
Santa: No. No it is not. Commercialism is only a small relief for the problem of people, not the solution.
Goro: What now.
Santa: ...through the centuries, men have stepped up to take the task of Santa Claus, to uphold the Spirit of Christmas, leaving behind everything their life once had. Are you ready to do the same?

Gorobei opened the closed fist he had punched the cashier with. Inside, was a small bell. It chimed with even the smallest move of his hand, and he threw it in the air. The red and white had of Santa materialized, and with the bell chiming, Gorobei grabbed the hat mid-air and pulled it deep in his head.

Gorobei: Let's go.

Dark Google, the famous movie star, had just escaped his fans that screamed his name, carrying posters and t-shirts with his face on it, and happened to look out a window of the house he had bought. Through the sky, went a shooting star, red and white in color.

Darkshine, dropped the glasses he was going to by for his 2D girlfriend, as he looked at the shooting star that went above him.

SZO ceased typing the code on the expensive computer that he had bought, and was working with for a successful gaming corporation when a light in the sky caught his attention.

Father: Here, son.
MD: Wow! Thanks dad!

MD tore open the package in a hurry, eager to find what was inside. Then he saw something, out the window, which caught his attention even more than the present or the Christmas tree, or his father and mother. A shooting star, and the revelation it brought.

MD: ...so, this is just a pleasant dream I'm having.

He ceased to tear open the present.

MD: I'm so going to kill that guy.

The Man walked towards his office, wondering when he should bother with cleaning the room. Maybe a month of now, that always did in even the most stubborn of people. Suddenly, there was a crash from the door behind him. He slowly turned around, and again the door was kicked from the inside, it creaked as the hinges slowly began to give in.

Man: ...impossible.

The door was knocked over, and after the dust cleared, he was faced with the people he had just locked inside. In the front, Santa's hat worn on his head, a red and white vest on his chest and matching pants, was Gorobei. His hands were crossed, and muscles hardened from years of labor, and harsh winters, bulged with anger. A beard had started to grow on him, white in color.

Man: No one could escape the Maze of Consumers after being trapped in it!
Goro: Don't give me that!
Goro: Nothing is impossible once you know the truth! And that is that Christmas isn't about what you offer! It's not about the gifts, presents or any of that! It's about family, being together, and what is BTN, if not family!?

The mall shook and broke,
as a giant figure arose.
Red and white in metal,
Christmas had stepped a full pedal.

Arms crossed in pose,
all who saw it simply froze.
With a toy sack on its back,
it was time to step up to the task.

"Merry Christmas..
..and to all..

From the ruins of the mall,
came the enemy of them all.
A figure of shadow and dark,
claws and teeth and twice the bark.


The giants stood still for now,
but it would not be long until they would prowl.
Changing their stance,
both were ready to dance.

It was a battle far above,
but it was witnessed by all who had the nerve.
A striped candycane as its sword,
Christmas let Commercialism have a bit of its chord.

One arm severed and destroyed,
Commercialism still fought to get Christmas disproved.
People looked up from the ruins of the mall which had fallen so tragic,
yet no one had been hurt, it was the work of Christmas Magic!

Commercialism: THAT IS JUST A FANTASY!

The two giants warded eachother off,
Commercialism going through full huff.

Commercialism: I, AM RIGHT!
Spirit of Christmas: THAT'S WHY YOU WON'T DO!

The two dashed at each other one last time,
this strike would make one of them pay for their crime.

It was the best Christmas ever.
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