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The Twilight Of My Ass; Anti-Stephenie Meyer
Topic Started: May 9 2008, 04:13 AM (12,757 Views)
Miss Yukari
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Fabulously Lazy
Like Sefie, I'm loving this thread because it brings so many lulz. :lmao: I followed an LJ link and found an awesome post on the book by Otahyoni, including a parody that made me giggle even though I've only read the excerpts here and in that review. So I thought I'd share!


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Edward leaned toward me, his perfect face inches from mine. His sweet, delicious breath ghosted over my face. His golden eyes glowed with love.

“How do you like it?” he whispered, his velvet voice purring in my ear.

I couldn’t respond, so dazzled was I by his sparkling skin. He shone like a diamond in the sun, a godlike creature before me.

He smirked at my befuddlement, but then his face darkened and he thundered, “Don’t be difficult, Bella!”

I cringed, but he instantly softened, chuckled his bell-like laugh, and leaned toward me again. His cold, pale fingers brushed my cheek. I stopped breathing.

“Come here,” he said, bounding up in one of those blindingly-fast movements I’d grown accustomed to. “I want to show you something.”

He led me to a small creek and sank gracefully into the grass at its edge. I tripped over a pebble and landed on my face in the mud. Edward laughed. How could he love me? He was so beautiful, gorgeous, and perfect. Like the statue of David come alive. Like Adonis, a god, an angel.

Edward removed his shoes and rolled up the cuffs of his jeans, and I gasped at the sight of his white, smooth ankles. Sunlight reflected off his toenails, each an ivory glint of perfection. I’d never seen Edward’s feet before. I hadn’t realized he could be more beautiful than he was, but there seemed no end to his beauty.

My heart beat madly in my chest, bounced up into my throat, ricocheted off half a dozen ribs, and finally settled somewhere in the vicinity of my kneecap. I collapsed.

Faster than a speeding bullet, Edward had lifted me in his marble arms and cradled me to his granite chest. “Bella? Bella!” he screamed. “No!”

The sight of his perfect, glorious face so twisted in anguish sent waves of torture through my body. “Edward!” I gasped.

His cold, unyielding lips pressed to mine, but I dared not move for fear of breaking his control, so irresistible did he find the scent of my blood. I could not bear knowing I had caused Edward pain by forcing him to eat me. My heart fluttered around my kneecap.

The kiss done, Edward set me on my feet. Without moving, I tripped over a stick and would have fallen in the stream had Edward not caught me in his iron embrace.

“Will you answer a question?” I asked.

“Of course, my love, my life, my forever,” Edward said, casually tearing boulders apart with his toes. I watched, spellbound for a moment, before remembering myself.

“I once asked if you could turn into a bat, and you just laughed.”

Edward smirked. “Because it was a stupid question. We don’t turn into bats. Why would we want to turn into bats?”

“But can you turn into something?”

“Of course.” He stood, stretched, and his shirt rose enough for me to catch a glimpse of his sculpted abs above his waistband. I hyperventilated and passed out.

When I awoke, Edward was speaking.

“—for disguise.”

“What?” I asked breathlessly.

“I said, we turn into fruit. It’s great for disguising yourself.” He watched me carefully, to see if this revelation would finally be the one that convinced me he was a monster, that sent me screaming from him.

“Oh.” I said. “What kind of fruit?”

He looked frustrated, annoyed, euphoric, scared, nervous, grumpy, amused, sleepy, and sad. Like an archangel come down from heaven to bless me with his presence. “An apple.”

“Oh. Can I see?”

Rage colored his features. “No! Why can’t you understand? I’m a danger to you! I could kill you! I should leave you forever!” He threw himself forward and wrapped his arms around me. “I should go – right now! It’s the only way to keep you safe!”

Despair settled over me, so thick and heavy I could hardly see. “No, Edward! Don’t leave me! I know we’ve only been together for three hours, but I want to spend forever with you! Please!”

He pulled back and looked at me, thousands of emotions roiling in his liquid topaz eyes. “Do you mean that, Bella?”

“Yes.”

“Very well.”

His perfect, glorious, heavenly face dipped toward me, and he touched his cold lips to my neck. He growled deep in his throat, a sound that traveled up and down my spine like lightning.

Then came a sharp pain. His grip tightened. I gasped his name. My sight dimmed until all I could see was the sparkle of his skin, calling me to paradise.

Then nothing.

****

Edward looked down at the body of Bella Swan, pale and lifeless in his pale and lifeless arms.

“Oops.”

His sobs shook the forest for six long seconds, and then he stood, wiping a drop of blood from the corner of his mouth.

“Yum.”

He sprinted for the edge of the forest, moving faster than any living creature, and wondered if that Angela girl would be his new lab partner.



The entire entry is over here. I still seriously can't believe Bella's heart stops when Edward kisses her. :rolleyes:

Otahyoni also posted a bunch of quotes from it, and the one that stuck out for me was this:

"He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare."

LOL. I know 'incandescent' and 'scintillating' can both mean 'sparkly', but I see incandescent and think 'angry', and see scintillating and think 'clever'. So when I read it, I thought Edward's chest was angry at his arms for being clever.
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Kusari Yarou
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:lmao: :lmao: :o That's a PARODY? NO, RLY??? Because that's exactly how SM writes!
Well, maybe not the kneecap thing, but the rest is DEAD-ON. SRSLY.
(I abuse the caps-lock waay too much on this thread XD)

More wisdom of twoo wuv from Stephenie Meyer!:
From here
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“You have to look at it this way: To Edward, Bella is like a delicious cheesecake - and no one can resist a delicious cheesecake. It’s why he noticed her the first time. But he truly loves her the way she is. It’s not about the smell, because it’s like they are soulmates.”


Who the hell says "cheesecake" and "soulmates" all in one breath??? :veto:
AGH, SHE'S RUINING CHEESECAKE FOR ME. Dammit, that's one of my favorite desserts!
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Materia Thief
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yet again, today I loved you
If you cut out the part about soulmates, I actually kinda like that description! :lol: "Edward first notices Bella 'cause "mmmm, is that human!cheesecake I smell?"

Plus, I mean, all of the puns you can make about things being cheesy. P:
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Kusari Yarou
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My soulmate is a cheesecake, OH YESH :cat:

Crayola could team up with SM and MTV and release a line of crayons called "Edward's Eyes". Featuring the colors: golden, dark gold, burnt-gold, blazing-gold, toffee, tawny, ocher, topaz, butterscotch...
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Rikkulicious
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Homg I didn't realize that was a parody until I read the part about him turning into an apple. :lmao: SO SAD.

:blush: You guys, I have to tell you a secret.... :blush: To me, you're like a delicious cheesecake. My soulmate. My love.
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Kaldea
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fantôme
O:

BUT I'M ALLERGIC TO CHEESECAKE. DHJGDLJGDLG
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Rikkulicious
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Kaldea
May 31 2008, 04:59 PM
O:

BUT I'M ALLERGIC TO CHEESECAKE. DHJGDLJGDLG

:sad: Such a tragedy! A love that was never meant to be! :sad: ~heart stops beating because of the amazing scent of your breath~
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Tacofoolio
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We are number one. All others are number two, or lower.
xD Haven't read the books, but from what I've heard, I'll hate em. Sign me up.
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Kusari Yarou
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Ye know, "Maybe you'll like it more than I did" is my motto when talking about books that just weren't my thing.

But then I revisit these dubious metaphors...
-"His hair was dripping wet, disheveled — even so, he looked like he'd just finished shooting a commercial for hair gel."
-"But outside the door to our Spanish class, leaning against the wall — looking more like a Greek god than anyone had a right to — Edward was waiting for me."
-"I was in danger of being distracted by his livid, glorious face. It was like trying to stare down a destroying angel."
-"I laughed with him, hiding a secret twinge of regret — why did he have to look like a runway model when I couldn't?"
-"Edward stood in the halo of the porch light, looking like a male model in an advertisement for raincoats."

...ARGH, why is Orson Scott Card kissing this woman's butt again??? :headbang:
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Kaldea
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fantôme
I notice two things. There is an apparent obsession with ads and models.

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Edward stood in the halo of the porch light, looking like a male model in an advertisement for raincoats.


I LOL'D SO HARD WHEN I READ THAT. Raincoats... Are you kidding? They call this writing? :lmao:

THE FANS ARE DELUSIONAL. THAT OR THEY HAVE ACCEPTED FANFICTION AS ACTUAL LITERATURE. I SUGGEST READING SOME BOOKS BY ACTUAL EXPERIENCED AUTHORS WHOSE BOOKS HAVE TEXT SMALLER THAN AN SUV.
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Kusari Yarou
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ZOMG, CEEGEE, DUN TALK LIKE THAT. It's REAL LITERATERRR! MOMS READ IT!@@@@@@@@@@@

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DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE whose life turned upside down when you read Twilight? Is your house a disaster with piles of piles of laundry in every corner and stacks of dirty dishes at record breaking heights? Have you imagined your husband is a vampire (or werewolf) and suddenly have the libido of newlywed again? Do you convince yourself that "cold cereal" makes a perfectly wholesome dinner? Is the pizza delivery boy now on your Christmas card list? Are your children free to run a muck as long as no one comes too you bleeding . . .(too badly)? Oh, you feel guilty, but that's not enough! You still can't tear yourself away from the book and damned be the consequences! The good new is- YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Fans of the Twilight Series in OUR STAGE of life (whether you're a mom or not) now have a place where we can gather unashamed of our irrational obsession with vampires and werewolves.

From Twilight Moms. I SHIT YOU NOT. Somewhere out there are married women imagining a cold sparkly piece of marble when they're making love to their husbands.

I even read something about a woman telling her partner not to worry if she cried out the name "Edward" in her dreams, because the guy was only fictional. Oh *gawdz*... Goodbye, faith in humanity, it was nice knowing ya!
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Loveholic
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<3
Kusari Yarou
Jun 2 2008, 12:46 AM
ZOMG, CEEGEE, DUN TALK LIKE THAT. It's REAL LITERATERRR! MOMS READ IT!@@@@@@@@@@@

Quote:
 
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE whose life turned upside down when you read Twilight? Is your house a disaster with piles of piles of laundry in every corner and stacks of dirty dishes at record breaking heights? Have you imagined your husband is a vampire (or werewolf) and suddenly have the libido of newlywed again? Do you convince yourself that "cold cereal" makes a perfectly wholesome dinner? Is the pizza delivery boy now on your Christmas card list? Are your children free to run a muck as long as no one comes too you bleeding . . .(too badly)? Oh, you feel guilty, but that's not enough! You still can't tear yourself away from the book and damned be the consequences! The good new is- YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Fans of the Twilight Series in OUR STAGE of life (whether you're a mom or not) now have a place where we can gather unashamed of our irrational obsession with vampires and werewolves.

From Twilight Moms. I SHIT YOU NOT. Somewhere out there are married women imagining a cold sparkly piece of marble when they're making love to their husbands.

I even read something about a woman telling her partner not to worry if she cried out the name "Edward" in her dreams, because the guy was only fictional. Oh *gawdz*. Goodbye, faith in humanity, it was nice knowing ya!

*shrivels up and dies*

:mellow: I did NOT need to know that. Oh God, why oh WHY did you allow Stephanie Meyers to plague humanity with such... crap?!!?!?

OMG, knowing 40+ women going all *lusty* over a book, about fantasy and vampires no less, makes me just wanna... :puke:

*bangs head against wall*
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Skelly
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a strange angel
I was laughing all the way up until Kusari's post. Then I cried. :mellow:
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Rikkulicious
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~cries~ This is so so sad. Oh my goodness. ... There are no words.

:lol: See, when crap like this gets popular, it only causes more and more people to think that writing Mary Sues and Gary Stus is alright. WHEN WILL THIS SERIES BE OVER?
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Kusari Yarou
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OMG, I found this in their forums!(Yes, I have no pity on my brain cells and am lurking):

TM=Twilight Moms, apparently.

Quote:
 
Are there any other husbands getting the shaft on Dec. 12. My wife is ditching me for the TM premiere. I have to stay home and watch our son.


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The thing is, I will let her go if that is what she wants. I was more disgruntled by the fact that there was no option for me to go. She simply informed me that she was going with the other TM's and that I would be staying home.


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I just want you to know that, she is actually one of the nicest people I know, and I love everything about her. I just find it funny how she reacts to Twilight. It is like some crazy drug to you ladies.


POOR, POOR MAN. D: D: D:
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