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The Promise; Chapter 1: The Funeral
Topic Started: Jul 10 2006, 05:30 PM (302 Views)
cloudnine
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C'est La Vie
Note: I couldn't find my original post for this story ^^;;;

I've revised this story a lot, the first chapter is still less than 1000 words, but oh well.
The whole story is now called 'The Promise'. ^_^ So without furthur ado, here's the revised chapter:

The Promise: Chpt 1.
The Funeral


The sun shone through the tree branches onto a crystal clear lake. The water sparkled and glistened as if it were made out of tiny jewels set out in rows. It was a peaceful and sacred place, it still is. From the doors of a nearby, ancient structure stood a man. He looked to be in his early twenties. He was a tall man, with short, blonde, spiked hair and icy blue eyes that held a glow. The glow only Shinra soldiers had. They were mako eyes. In his arms he held a woman, a young woman also in her early twenties. Her long, light brown hair was tied back with a pink ribbon arranged into a bow. This ribbon matched perfectly with the other garments she wore; a long, pink, button up dress and a short sleeved, red jacket. No one could see the colour of her eyes, except him. He knew her eyes well and could see them clearly in his mind’s eye. This was because he had previously stared into those eyes many times. Those green eyes, which were always so full of life, were now closed, never to open again. For this woman, he held so gently in his arms, was dead. She was stabbed in the back by a power hungry man, plagued by insanity, while she prayed.

The man stepped out of the doorway and into the warmth which the rays of sunlight provided. A cool breeze swept across his figure and hers. It whipped through his hair, forcing it into odd angles, but he didn’t care. As long as she was in his arms, he was okay, he would be alright. Each step he took towards the water’s edge left him winded and weak. This was the biggest struggle of his life. His mind told him it was necessary, his heart told him otherwise. The on-going battle between his heart and mind was tedious, yet he needed it. He had come this far and he was not going to give up now, no matter how much he wanted to take his own life and join her in the heavenly bliss he hoped she had found her way to. She always used to talk about the ‘Promised Land’. This was peaceful place that only the Cetra (or Ancients) knew about. No one knew where it was, no one had cared. That was, until, the same man, no monster, who took her life, threatened the ‘Promised Land’ with his plague like touch. And ever since, it had been up to them and many others, to stop him.

His mind had won and he found himself at the edge of the lake. He steadied his breathing and fought back the unwanted tears that threatened to fall. It wasn’t supposed to end like this, not for her. She deserved so much better, she deserved her life, a life, any life, and that was the very least. He needed her to live, to breathe, to laugh smile, cry and be angry. He needed her to look at him and make his heart stop and pound uncontrollably in his chest, in only the way that she could. Never again would he be able to feel that sensation. Never again would he love another, in the way that he loved her.

The first few steps into the lake were agonising. Everything was happening too quickly. Everybody he knew was in some kind of hurry. He was already knee deep and the water had seeped through his clothes, soaking them thoroughly. If the water was cold, he could not feel. This was not because he was numb, but because he didn’t want to feel it. He didn’t want to because he didn’t want to accept what had happened and what was about to happen. What he had to do. He continued wading to the centre of the lake, where he knew there was a ledge over the deepest part of the lake itself. That was where he had to leave her, just over the edge, left to sink into the darkness. When he reached the ledge, his eyes were so full of unshed tears, his vision was blurred. He looked down at her face – so peaceful, she looked like she was sleeping. After several moments, the tears finally fell. They rolled down his cheeks and fell into the lake. He felt his shoulders shaking and he let out a strangled sob. He didn’t want to cry. Crying showed weakness and he refused to be weak. Yet, here he was, crying over a dead girl. He pulled her close and tried to compose himself. It wasn’t working and he had to let her go now, or else he never would. He held her body over the right spot, and then, slowly let her go. He watched sadly as her body sunk into the darkness. He watched, until he could no longer see her.

He was walked back towards the others who were waiting silently for him to return. He did not know whether they were silent because they didn’t know what to say, or whether they were silent due to respect for the Cetra. The more he thought about it, the more he didn’t care. He stopped half way there, and looked over his shoulder to where he let go of her body. The wind picked up again as he whispered,

“I’ll seek revenge for you Aeris, and I’ll bring you back, somehow. I promise.”

He returned to his friends and nodded at them. It was going to be a long night, seeing as he probably wouldn’t fall asleep. Cloud Strife, ex-SOLDIER, was about to embark on the second half of his quest. It was going to be the most difficult part of his journey yet. And this, he wouldn’t even give a thought to giving up, he would keep going, just for her.

~~~~~~

So there you have it =P
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Sadhana
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capitalism is dead
A very sweet, rueful take on the funeral scene. This actually distracted me, and made me forget about a pot of water I had boiling on the stove (this is why I shouldn't be allowed within ten feet of anything that involves flames). Luckily, I didn't burn the house down. >_<

Back to your fanfic, I liked it a lot. I listened to it along with the piano version of Aerith's theme, and found that it was very emotionally moving. It was nice how you had Cloud conflicted about leaving her there, wanting to hold on to the girl he loves but unwillingly aware of the fact that she's gone. I await Chapter 2. It'd be interesting to see where you take this fic... a retelling of the second half of the game?

I would offer constructive criticism, but I know some writers are sensitive about those kind of things (myself included, even though I try to be tough and ask for it anyways). I'm not a good writer so I'm not the best when it comes to giving advice on the subject, but if you are interested, let me know, and I'll PM you. There's really not much I have to say; mostly, I have a few questions I want to ask.

Overall, nice writing. It epitomized the very emotional core of what Cloud and Aerith's relationship is: romantic but somber. Keep writing. ^_^
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cloudnine
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C'est La Vie
Thanks for replying ^^ Sorry my story distracted you o.o it's a good thing you didn't burn the house down ^^;;

I don't think I will retell the second half of the game because I might say something that would cause a heated debate over what actually happened o_o *doesn't want that*

I wanted to focus on not only what happened at her funeral, but what I thought Cloud's feelings would be on the matter after observing his reaction when she was actually killed.

Glad you liked it =)
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Nightmare
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Mrs. George Harrison D:
Kudos! i always leave a critical review when i am @ fanfiction.net, but i couldn't find something wrong with the story! I love how you describe Cloud's feelings here btw, and imo, there is no doubt that SE made Cloud feel that way. XD please continue. ^^
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cloudnine
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Cynel
Jul 10 2006, 09:44 PM
Kudos! i always leave a critical review when i am @ fanfiction.net, but i couldn't find something wrong with the story! I love how you describe Cloud's feelings here btw, and imo, there is no doubt that SE made Cloud feel that way. XD please continue. ^^

Nothing wrong? =O nothing at all? I'm not that good :blush:

Thank you for the comments, I appreciate them ^_^ I'll keep writing :P
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Sadhana
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capitalism is dead
cloudnine
Jul 12 2006, 09:00 AM
Cynel
Jul 10 2006, 09:44 PM
Kudos! i always leave a critical review when i am @ fanfiction.net, but i couldn't find something wrong with the story! I love how you describe Cloud's feelings here btw, and imo, there is no doubt that SE made Cloud feel that way. XD please continue. ^^

Nothing wrong? =O nothing at all? I'm not that good :blush:

Thank you for the comments, I appreciate them ^_^ I'll keep writing :P

You better keep writing. I want the next chapter already! :fist:

Don't mind the late responce by the way. :whistle:
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Nightmare
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Mrs. George Harrison D:
msz aeris strife
Jul 22 2006, 09:59 PM
cloudnine
Jul 12 2006, 09:00 AM
Cynel
Jul 10 2006, 09:44 PM
Kudos! i always leave a critical review when i am @ fanfiction.net, but i couldn't find something wrong with the story! I love how you describe Cloud's feelings here btw, and imo, there is no doubt that SE made Cloud feel that way. XD please continue. ^^

Nothing wrong? =O nothing at all? I'm not that good :blush:

Thank you for the comments, I appreciate them ^_^ I'll keep writing :P

You better keep writing. I want the next chapter already! :fist:

Don't mind the late responce by the way. :whistle:

Have to agree with you. :huggle: msz aeris strife and I want you to continue this please!!! Right, msz strife? ^_^
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