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Three days after the critically acclaimed film “Brokeback Mountain” won Golden Globe awards in four major categories, Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Penn) called for a constitutional amendment banning gay westerns.

“We cannot sit idly by and watch ‘Brokeback Mountain’ sashay into the mainstream of American culture,” Mr. Santorum said on the Senate floor today. “If allowed to flourish, gay westerns will destroy the sanctity of traditional westerns.”

He added that if the film continued to gain acceptance in the heartland, several western states might soon legalize marriage between gay cowboys.

The Pennsylvania senator explained that his proposal of a constitutional amendment banning gay westerns was not a rash decision on his part: “I only reached this decision after watching ‘Brokeback Mountain’ ten, maybe twelve times.”

Mr. Santorum added that it was “unconscionable” that the producers of the film had cast an actor as “hot and sexy” as Heath Ledger as one of the gay cowboys, since “he only makes the gay cowboy lifestyle seem more enticing.”

In a sign that Mr. Santorum may have more constitutional amendments to propose, he said that he was also “very concerned” that Hollywood might someday produce a remake of the film “Benji” featuring “man on dog sex.”

“I am going to be extra vigilant on this issue,” Mr. Santorum said. “If there is a remake of ‘Benji’ featuring man on dog sex, I will be waiting in line for a ticket on the very first day.”

Elsewhere, the Supreme Court voiced support for assisted suicide, and model Kate Moss voiced support for career suicide.

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“If allowed to flourish, gay westerns will destroy the sanctity of traditional westerns.”

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ATHLETE WITHOUT COMPELLING PERSONAL DRAMA EXPELLED FROM OLYMPICS Skier Concealed Adversity-Free Past From Officials, NBC A member of the U.S. Olympic ski team was disqualified from competition today when it was learned that he did not have a sufficiently compelling human storyline to exploit on the NBC telecast of the worldwide sporting event.

Tom Klujian, the expelled skier, was not raised by a single mother, never had a career-threatening injury, and did not overcome a personal tragedy of any kind before making the Olympic ski team, U.S. Olympic officials revealed today.

“Had Tom been involved in an organ donation, as either a donor or a recipient, that would have been acceptable to us,” ski team spokesman Sandy Harnofsky told reporters. “However, he was not.”

According to sources close to the ski team, Mr. Klujian had concealed the fact that he comes from an intact middle class family who never lost their home to a flood, tornado, or typhoon.

But what may have sealed Mr.Klujian’s doom, sources said, was his utter lack of a gravely ill family member to win a medal for.

“Tom did his best to hide his background from team officials,” one source said. “But when the truth came out, he was finished.”

Speaking to reporters in Salt Lake City, NBC Sports Chairman Dick Ebersol was even less charitable, terming Mr.Klujian’s actions “a reprehensible betrayal.”

“We do our best to check out all of the athletes to make sure that their backgrounds are full of compelling human drama, but we can’t catch everything,” Mr. Ebersol said. “This is a case of one really bad guy exploiting the system.”

Elsewhere, scientists discovered the earliest known ancestor of Tyrannosaurus Rex at the halftime show of Super Bowl XL.