My Homework.

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My Homework.; I have to write a story.
Topic Started: Mar 17 2007, 07:05 AM (123 Views)
The Stone Registeel	Mar 17 2007, 07:05 AM Post #1
New Member Posts: 25 Group: Members Member #23 Joined: January 30, 2007	Just thought I'd see what you guys think. Here's the beggining of Chapter 1: River Troubles A Dangerous Adventurers Story Chapter 1: Log Canal Chris and Crystie walked along the wooden floor of the Log Canal, a boat on the harbour of Rimini River, more known as the Rimini. The Rimini River was a hidden river, and only those brave enough to venture down it would come. The two, still annoyed with their recent loss of Ryan, had now found a new partner, though they didn’t think that he could replace the laughter and experiences they had shared with their passed away friend. The new recruit’s name was Steven. Steven Lite. He was originally a researcher in water currents and mountains, but had decided to really get out there. About two hours later, the teens sat at a bench. Chris’ light blonds hair went well with his loose T-shirt and jeans, and his hair slid to the left. It spiked at the end, the way he liked it. Crystie had aqua blue hair, which didn’t leave her head. It was spiked at each side, the spikes curving. She also wore jeans, but instead of a T-shirt she wore a light grey jumper. Steven, being quite the informal guy, wore a black suit with matching jeans, and had white-dyed hair in a similar style to Crystie’s. Chris sat there, sipping his Coke, watching the other two as they did the same (except for Steven, who had Ice Tea). He then spoke, hoping to start up a conversation. “So, who’s looking forward to tomorrow?” He asked, and the other two just stared at him. Although the crowd made noise around them, it seemed it was all blocked out by their stare. The same stare, Chris thought, suddenly noticing the similarity. The same stare… “I suppose I am.” Steven replied, finally dropping his gaze, “I suppose this is my first adventure with you guys.” He smiled, a weak smile, before getting back to his Ice Tea. Crystie looked as though she didn’t know who to stare at: The Questioner, or the odd answerer. “Same here, I guess.” She told them, before getting up. “We’ve got an early start tomorrow, remember. I guess we should be getting some sleep.” She glanced at her watch. 9:30, she thought, suppose it’s a good time to leave anyway.
	Do not click here Unless you're curious....


Anthezar	Mar 17 2007, 07:36 AM Post #2
Advanced Member Posts: 632 Group: Moderators Member #20 Joined: January 13, 2007	Ooooo, I like it. Keep it up!



Ramzam	Mar 17 2007, 07:45 AM Post #3
Everybody's Favorite DDR Posts: 832 Group: Moderators Member #4 Joined: December 16, 2006	It's good--I'm not exactly impressed, (Come to think of it, I'm hardly ever impressed by anything!) but so far it's doing good. Though, you spent the entire second paragraph, describing their hair styles. Not exactly good thing, as people tend to lose interest, when you spend an entire paragraph describing people--they usually just form their own idea of what the characters look like. You could've described one person and had that person say something, then have the next person speak and describe them afterward and so on.
	All members of PCF may click this link to find the forums that, "replaced," it.


nya_chan	Mar 19 2007, 02:43 PM Post #4
TeH g00fy admin (I wonder why no one takes me seriously...) Posts: 749 Group: Admin Member #1 Joined: December 14, 2006	As a reader, I say it's too short to provide good detail, and as an admin, I say 25 lines is not the 30 lines the rules call for. I have to agree with Ramzam on this one. It's not bad, but it could be better. I personally am not a fan of what I call "in your face descriptions" like your 2nd paragraph. It's usually a bit "smoother" when you work the description into the story.



Divinity_123	Mar 27 2007, 08:18 PM Post #5
New Member Posts: 12 Group: Members Member #43 Joined: March 27, 2007	Ramzam Mar 17 2007, 07:45 AM It's good--I'm not exactly impressed, (Come to think of it, I'm hardly ever impressed by anything!) but so far it's doing good. Though, you spent the entire second paragraph, describing their hair styles. Not exactly good thing, as people tend to lose interest, when you spend an entire paragraph describing people--they usually just form their own idea of what the characters look like. You could've described one person and had that person say something, then have the next person speak and describe them afterward and so on. Quote: It's good--I'm not exactly impressed, (Come to think of it, I'm hardly ever impressed by anything!) but so far it's doing good. Though, you spent the entire second paragraph, describing their hair styles. Not exactly good thing, as people tend to lose interest, when you spend an entire paragraph describing people--they usually just form their own idea of what the characters look like. You could've described one person and had that person say something, then have the next person speak and describe them afterward and so on. This is where I disagree. Y'see, you have to know what you're own character looks like if this is going to be an original story. It's okay, better than some of other people's stories, but nonetheless, it needs a wee bit of work. Goo' luck! Divinity_123



wyatt the arceus	Aug 2 2007, 07:37 AM Post #6
A master leek spinner, indeed. Posts: 411 Group: Members Member #59 Joined: June 10, 2007	I liked it, yet it was a sort of....small. Make it a bit longer and it would be better.



Doctor who	Jan 27 2008, 12:14 AM Post #7
Time Over Laps (ooh had this for a while) Posts: 143 Group: Members Member #75 Joined: August 22, 2007	I agree with wyatt....
	Its a computer and I see this on it... how perfect, A teleport pokemon


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