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50 things to do if your an Evil Overlord
Topic Started: 17th March 2007 - 04:06 AM (285 Views)
northernwhites
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100% Leeds
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.


2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.


3. My noble half-brother, whose throne I usurped, will be killed, not kept anonimously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.


4. Shooting is NOT too good for my enemies.


5. The artifact, which is the source of my power, will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. (The same applies to the object that is my one weakness.)


6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.


7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, wil you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No," and shoot him.
No, on second thoughts, I'll shoot him first and then say "No".


8. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a big red button labeled "DANGER: DO NOT PUSH". The big red button marked "DO NOT PUSH" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not be clearly labeled as such.


9. All slain enemies will be cremated. Or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them - not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff.


10. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss. a last cigarette. or any last request.
11. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.


12. I will never utter the sentence, "Before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."


13. When I employ people as advisers, I will occasionally listen to their advice. One of my advisers will be an average 5-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.


14. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust accordingly.


15. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mindset.


16. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way, even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless, my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.


17. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery that is completely undestructible, except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.


18. I will never build only one of anything important. All-important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.


19. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidently stumble.


20. I will dress in bright and cheery colours and so throw my enemies into confusion.
21. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, talentless bards and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.


22. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.


23. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.


24. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.


25. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.


26. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact that can destroy me, I will not send my all troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else, and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.


27. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my casle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.


28. If the beautiful princess that I capture says, "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!" I will say, "Oh,well", and kill her.


29. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksman-ship. Any who cannot hit a man-sized target at ten meters will be used for target practice.


30. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
31. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.


32. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.


33. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits that could prove to be a disadvantage.


34. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup instead of quizzically peering around a corner.


35. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse instead of standing around while members break off and attack him one or two at a time.


36. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering. )


37. If I am fighting with the hero atop of a moving platform, have disarmed him and am about to finish him off, and he glances behind me and drops flat, I will too drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.


38. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of a crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.


39. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.


40. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
41. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the twelve stones of power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button".


42. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.


43. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence and then send the same group to try the task again.


44. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.


45. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that a hero is sheduled to go first.


46. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimenatl value.


47. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards so that if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.


48. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.


49. Any data of crucial importance will be padded to 1,45 MB in size.


50. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
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morley white
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100% Leeds
you really do need to roll 'em a bit thinner
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